Archive for the ‘sacrifices’ Category

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Tough Time of Year and Survivor Guilt

October 14, 2009

This is always a tough time of year. Knowing what I do about what goes on around this time of year…well, it is really hard to just skate through it. In some ways, I am effected less. In other ways, more.

I was doing pretty well…or so I thought. I don’t know if it just crept up on me…or if the rest of life just combined with it to kind of push me over the edge a bit. I find that I have been battling some depression lately…and I am teary. There are things in my life that could certainly cause that…aside from being a ritual abuse survivor. However, I really cannot assume that the RA stuff does not also impact me.

I find it interesting that I feel almost guilty when I feel OK during this time of year…when I am able to push aside my survivor issues and just enjoy life. It almost feels as if I am betraying the ones who will die this year…the ones who will be abused and tortured…the ones who will be filmed and sold. They deserve to be remembered…to be prayed for. So…when I feel better…I almost feel as if that is a betrayal of them.

Yet…could it not actually be an honoring of them…in the sense that at least one of us got out and conquered. Well, not conquered exactly…but was able to find joy and at least be able to somewhat function? I don’t know. These are just the things I am thinking of…the things I am feeling.

I love this season…but hate this time of year. I love the colors and smells, but hate what is going on in hidden places where people do not want to see.

Survivor guilt. Why should I make it out? Why should I be able to enjoy life? Yet…it is in the enjoyment of life…in spite of my history…that, perhaps, my truest victory lies. I win when I can enjoy any aspect of life…any at all. I win when I can enjoy my freedom…instead of being bound to them…instead of being their slave. I win! So, why can’t I just enjoy the winning? Because I know others are still suffering.

Many who have broken free from the cult groups still suffer in body and soul. Many have not broken free and they definitely still suffer. My own sister never really made it out. Do I celebrate life in her honor? Yes. Still…I cannot help but feel some guilt. At least…I think it is called guilt. I just know I struggle with having too much knowledge. Ignorance, though, is not safe. *sigh*

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Thoughts on the Time of Year

October 25, 2008

What a time! I love the Autumn. It is my favorite season…on the outside. On the inside, I hate this time of year. I know what happens at the end of October and I hate it!

Most of the time I can push it to the back of my mind and heart. Yet…it always comes up. Somewhere, somehow, the thought of the children comes to mind…and I find myself fighting tears and lifting up a prayer for them.

What do I pray for? Well, I would like to think He would stop the whole hideous thing, but I know that is not realistic. It is not because God is not big enough, or strong enough, to stop it. It is because He is bound by His own rules. He gave us humans the ability to choose between good and evil, between doing what is right and doing what is wrong. Gentleman that He is, He won’t go back on His word. We were given choice and until He comes back and removes evil once and for all, we will have people committing evil acts.

So, no, I don’t really pray for Him to stop it…at least not very strongly. I do pray for Him to intervene. I pray for Him to protect the hearts and souls of those who will have to endure this time. I pray for Him to protect them from the pain and to take them quickly home. I pray for supernatural comfort to the victims.

I also pray for Him to open the eyes of the good people who are too afraid to take a real and serious look at what is going on around them. For those who are willing to see, I pray that He will open their hearts and give them courage to take a stand. Yet, I hold out little hope for that happening.

If people won’t even take a stand to stop the culture of death we can see so openly, how can I expect them to work to stop the hidden deaths? When people, including babies, are “legally” sacrificed through abortion and through starvation in the “medical” system on the altar of convenience and money…right out in the open, how can there be concern for the children and people being sacrificed in hidden rituals? They are all being sacrificed…whether openly or in secret and the temporary prince and ruler of this earth is laughing at the stupid humans who are serving him through these (and other) practices.

My heart always breaks when I think of these things. However, this time of year I am more keenly aware of it all. It is a reminder to me that this is not my true home. My true home in with God in His kingdom. What is to come after all this ugliness is a beauty so incredible that those who have seen it and come back are unable to adequately describe it. That is what I long for.

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