Archive for the ‘starting over’ Category

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A Phone Call and Uncertainty

August 10, 2008

I got a call from someone yesterday. I’m still figuring out how I feel about it. It was one of those calls that I had kind of hoped would eventually come…and yet, at the same time, was not sure if I really wanted. I guess I should explain.

I had a friend pull away from me a while back. It hurt. After getting hit with several things from some that I had considered friends, it felt like a really low blow. This was a friend that I had defended when she was being disparaged.

I believe that true friends can be open and honest with one another. That is what I tried to do, however imperfectly. I do not believe in deceitfulness or hiding or backstabbing. When I acted upon that belief, I was pulled away from. I was also told by someone else that I had hurt her, along with three others. I don’t rightly know if I hurt her or not. I do know that I apologized for hurting her and she said she forgave me. (Why two of the three would be hurt, I have no idea, as it really did not involve them directly. The third one…well, she is the one who was doing the disparaging and ducking around talking about it.)

We talked openly when she called. She told me that her pulling away had nothing to do with me, that it was all her. She had needed to pull away and try to sort through some things…my wording. She asked if she had hurt me. With her encouragement, I admitted that she had. I told her how I felt that I had been slammed for being loyal and having integrity.

She asked about the possibility of our trying to take baby steps to restore the friendship. I told her that I am very open to that…but I also told her that, as a result of several things that also happened right before she pulled away, that my walls are high and my trust level is low.

I guess I am wondering, too, about something else. I can appreciate that someone can need space for awhile. However, how am I going to know if she is going to pull away again? I guess it is a risk. But then, aren’t there always risks in friendships? How much is a friend worth?

I am known for my loyalty to friends. I have welcomed back friends who have hurt me deeply. A lot of that has to do with the motivations behind the hurts. There is a big difference between being hurt by someone who was deceived and who believed lies about me versus someone who is just plain malicious or mean. I have forgiven much, especially when I believed I saw true sorrow in the person who had hurt me.

There are some, though, who I would only offer forgiveness to. Trusting them again is a totally different matter. There is a line that a person can cross that would cause it to be impossible to earn my complete trust…outside of Yahweh really showing me that I should give it to them. This person does not fit into that category.

I am willing to receive phone calls and emails. I am willing to try and be as open as I can. That is all that I can do at this point. I am tired of complicated relationships. I can only handle so many of them at a time. I will give my energies to those who are willing to be open and honest and stick it out without running, ducking or dodging. I guess that pretty much eliminates the possibilities of some people becoming friends with me again…not unless one of us changes.

I guess only time will tell in this friendship. Yes, I still consider it to be a friendship. I am just not sure what state it is in, exactly. It was in a state of distance. Maybe, now, we can draw closer again. How close? I have no idea. As I told her…my walls are up and my trust level is low. However, the fact that I could openly tell her that and she could receive it is, I think, a very good sign. There are no real expectations on either side. What will be will be. I am guarding my heart.

I guess we are sort of starting over…and that is not a bad place to be.

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