Archive for the ‘survivors’ Category

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A time for grief?

March 8, 2021

Here I sit, the emotions churning in my gut and welling up inside of me. Why? I can only guess. But I think I am a pretty good guesser. I wrote previously asking the question, “When do we get to grieve?” So many losses, but survival came first. So, grieving was not safe.

I can live as a survivor. I’ve done it for over 60 years. I have managed, by the grace of G-D, to keep it together and not “lose it” entirely. I have cried my share of tears while usually hiding them. No one can see. It’s not allowed. I got so used to shutting it all down, it is difficult to allow myself to show that vulnerability to anyone. And, yes, that includes my hubby, even though he gives me no reason to hide it. He loves me and he cares.

I have always known the emotions from the memory recall had to eventually hit. It will be 20 years in just a few more months. Massive visuals and very little emotions. Where are the emotions? They don’t just disappear.

No, they would hide for awhile and then try to sneak out when they thought I was not looking. And they were correct. I wasn’t. That is why I used to get blindsided, slammed as the emotions seemed to flood me from out of nowhere. Except… it isn’t nowhere. It is deep inside in the depths of my soul.

But I got used to it. I learned how to sense it coming on and would try to distract myself from it. I was partially successful. But distractions only push off the inevitable. Sooner or later, the pain will come and my body will be wracked with emotions that are trying to come through the crack in the dam I have built up for my own protection. When you are surrounded by enemies, especially ones who want your child, there is no time to grieve.

Even here, where I live now, there are enemies around me. I have to trust G-D. He has sent his angels (seen by someone else) to protect me in the past. He has led me through dangers more than once. This is no different. I must keep my eyes on Him, my ears tuned to His voice. I do not want a repeat of what happened not long after we moved here.

So, is there ever a truly safe time and place to grieve? Yes! I believe so. I believe our minds are fearfully and wonderfully made and they protect us, hiding the overwhelming horror until we are safe enough to look at it. And G-D’s Spirit, I believe, guides and directs. He brings the people, the knowledge, the hints and clues to my past at just the right times when I am ready for them.

So, I await the grief. And when it comes, I will do my best to embrace the grief, knowing it will not last forever. I will fight to not shut it down. I will fight to allow myself to become vulnerable once again, as I was created to be.

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Flashbacks

March 5, 2021

Last night, I found myself lying awake… remembering. Bits and pieces, flashes peaking around the corners of my mind. There was not a big emotional hit, but some silent tears did eventually slip down my cheek. Not many… just enough to know there is something in there, something in the bits and pieces sliding in from the ragged edges. There is, once again, confirmation.

What was the trigger? I think I know, but it really does not matter. Life is full of triggers. What is important to me is how I handle them when they come. Sometimes, I try to redirect my thoughts to something else. When that does not work, or if the bits and pieces persist in floating through and grabbing my attention, I just allow my mind to look at them and see what is going to happen.

I am so successful at dissociating my emotions from the images it is automatic. It’s always been that way. The times when the emotions connect with the images, has been pretty rough. But it is rare. On the one hand, it does allow me a certain amount of freedom to “explore”. On the other hand, it tells me there is a dam holding it all back. I don’t only have traumatic amnesia regarding the memories as a whole, I also have a wall of “amnesia” when it comes to the emotions associated with the memories I do have.

Sometimes, the emotions slip out and I have no context for them. Thankfully, that is not often, just as the visual flashes are not often. There are times when it is more frequent. It could happen around dates, events or just seeing/hearing something that reminds me of my history… whether consciously or unconsciously.

At some point, I fully expect some things to come together and gel into something coherent. That coherency may rock me in the moment as it sometimes has in the past. Or I may dissociate it away. But dissociation, while helpful in the moment, only puts off the inevitable.

I am real. My history is real. I own it all… the horror, the pain, the suffering, all the actions done to me and by me, all of it. I own it, but it is not who I am. And I refuse to feel guilt for things I was forced, trained or programmed to do. The perps own the guilt for that. Sadly, in the world in which I grew up (if you can even call it “growing up”), the perps were victims, too. And their victims often become perps of some kind. And so it goes, generation after generation until someone gets the help to be strong enough to say it is the end of the line.

One of the saddest things is when children are forced to be perpetrators. Even though they are forced, whether physically or with threat of serious harm to themselves or someone they love, they grow up feeling like they are perpetrators. It takes a lot to heal from such things and I am not sure we ever completely do in this life.

So, I remind myself this is NOT my true Home. Do I long to go Home? Sure… often. Do I long to go Home now? At times. But that is not a decision for me to make. So long as I have breath, I have a reason to be here, even if I cannot see it in the moment. I know from experience, the reason will become known. I just have to wait for it.

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Human Trafficking

February 26, 2021

This is very hard to write about. If you are squeamish, you might want to pass.

This whole subject can be very triggering for me and, yet, I cannot stay away from it. People simply have NO idea how bad it really is…what is actually happening. (You still have a chance to leave this post.)

Every time I read about women and children being rescued and trafficking perpetrators being jailed, a part of me rejoices. A part of me breathes a sigh of relief for those rescued and I feel gratitude for the rescuers.

My heart also breaks as I am also reminded there are so many more still trapped. Still being tortured. Still being killed. Still being used in pornography. Still being used sexually in so many different perverted ways. Still being sacrificed in sick rituals. Still having organs and blood harvested (think adrenochrome) while they are alive. And, yes, they are even eaten. If only they were all killed first…or at least put under before these things are done to them. But they are not. These people are SICK!

So, another part of me is holding my breath, longing to see the whole cursed thing brought down around their heads. Longing to see the world rid of this horrible, demonic evil. I am walking around in anticipation.

My heart also breaks for those rescued. While the physical part is over, the rest of it is not. Those rescued are so broken. Some were bred in baby farms for just this purpose. It is all they have ever known. Born and sacrificed. Born and abused. Imagine the mothers being used as a baby factory and having every child ripped from them. The heartache never stops.

Yes, we can and do get “better”, but it will never be like it never happened. Some of these scars are faded. But it does not always take much for them to become red and inflamed once again. Even when there is trauma amnesia, it is still inside. You can get triggered and not even be sure why. You can get flashes of things from the fringes of your memory and not be sure what they even are about.

How much of this is my experience? Unknown. I have remembered enough of my family history to know it was ugly. I have remembered enough to know I don’t want to remember any more. I have experienced rituals, killing, sexual abuse, being filmed… and more. I rarely talk about it. Most people have no clue and would not even begin to understand. The parts I do not consciously remember, I know about and I react to. I am sensitive to it.

So, my heart breaks over and over again. I mean, seriously, how can it not? How can anyone who knows the truth NOT have a broken heart? I saw a video on this and it said something about, “those who know cannot sleep at night.” Those who know are driven to rescue as many as they possibly can. They cannot live a life of peace knowing what these women and children are going through. I guess I have an advantage. Having gone through so many horrific things starting as a very young child, I developed the ability to dissociate and I have trauma amnesia. I feel for the rescuers. It is not as easy for them to separate themselves from it. There is vicarious trauma.

So, I sit here writing, so aware of my brokenness, so aware of my powerlessness, with emotions just ready to come spilling out. I am thankful for this blog where I can write about things I may not have the opportunity to talk about. Try finding someone who can handle it!

If you have made it to the end of this post, I am in awe of you. I respect you in ways you cannot even begin to understand. The voiceless need a voice. I have been voiceless and, to some degree, still am. But I am fighting now to speak my story to anyone who will listen with an open mind and heart. It starts here with this blog. But it is also starting to happen, in little bits, outside of this blog.

You also have a challenge. You now know the truth. Do a search on human trafficking and you will find more than you ever wanted to know. The real question is…what will you do with it? If you turn a blind eye and are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem. This is a scourge and there are many things you can do.

First, if someone honors you with a little bit of their story, LISTEN to them and BELIEVE them. Check your skepticism at the door. Whether you can accept the reality of the events shared or not, know this. It is real to them. Honor their trust in you by trusting them. Try and be a support for them in whatever way you can. Oftentimes, the most powerful form of support is to simply listen and accept them as they are. Help them to know you do not think they are “weird”. They aren’t. Whatever hangups they have, they are normal for what they have experienced. Encourage them in their journey to find some kind of healing.

Second, learn what you can about human trafficking. If you can donate to the rescuers, do so. Even if you can’t, you can pray for them. Maybe even write some encouraging words to them.

Third, educate others about what you have learned. Help wake people up. This whole evil system IS coming down and the survivors are going to need a LOT of support. The more people who can be aware of it all, the more the rescued can, hopefully, find support and acceptance.

(If you have read this because you are just a sick pervert who gets off on reading this kind of stuff, take this with you. You are part of the problem. You will be held accountable some day. Creator is real and He does not like it when His children…the people He made in His image…are hurt like this. You have been warned.)

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More on grieving…

February 26, 2021

It’s been a rough month. I have been reminded of my sister a lot. As I wrote in my previous post, when do we survivors get to grieve?

When you are in survival mode, you don’t have the luxury of taking time to grieve. Your main focus is on staying safe and, in my case, keeping my child safe. Who has time to grieve? Who has the energy to grieve?

But life, eventually, brings those reminders and our minds and hearts are satisfied we are in a safe enough place to start grieving. Those reminders could be anything. For me, it not even things that necessarily pertain to her.

I have a lot of years of not being able to fully grieve a lot of losses. When those losses came, I was usually having to scramble to deal with the results of the losses. And when it seems as if life just keeps hitting with one thing after another, those things I need to grieve just pile up.

So, now I am wondering. Is this the time to start to let that wall come down? Am I ready for the flood of emotions? Do I even have a choice?

I have to trust Creator in all of this. I know He knows best what needs to happen in my life. He knows best when I am ready to deal with the buried grief, whether I “feel” ready or not. I have seen Him work in so many ways over the years. I trust Him to not allow me to collapse or implode. He is always good, even when I am not. He is my Rock to stand on. He is my Tower to run into for shelter from the storm.

I will–I must–continue to trust Him. My life, my stability, my emotional and mental health, everything depends on it.

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When do we get to grieve?

February 10, 2021

Grief seems to get both triggered and hindered in so many ways. Flashbacks trigger grief. But flashbacks also trigger avoidance. Part of me wants to feel and remember and process–to take the power out of the flashbacks. But I also do not want to go there. That’s why those memories are buried or, at least, pushed away.

I used to wonder why even good memories would feel overwhelming. I think I am beginning to understand. Experiencing horrific things causes us to shut down our ability to feel. We find any way possible to go numb. From what I have read and learned, it is very difficult to separate negative from positive emotions in the sense of allowing only one type to go through the filters we put up.

Even if we could fine tune our filters, there is another problem. We grew up with bait and switch and constant deception. When something good was offered, it was often either substituted with something negative or withheld until after something negative or led into something negative. So, even the “good” events and “good” memories are so often attached to negative (even horrific) ones.

So, almost all memories, both positive and negative, actually lead to/are connected to something negative. Do I remember enjoying something with my mother? There is the manipulation always lurking in the background…and worse buried deep in my psyche behind the veil of amnesia.

Thinking of my sister is hard. I really have very few memories of her growing up. We lived in the same house, but my memories (except a rare handful) do not include her. It is as if she only visited once in a very great while. I know that is not true, but I have so thoroughly blocked her. Or, maybe, they blocked her for me. Or both.

When I had some memory recall two decades ago, I remembered enough about the relationship my sis and I had to not really want to remember any more. I was trained well and I became her trainer. Or, at least, cotrainer. They are always there making sure we do it “correctly”, leading and guiding us in their evil sickness.

So, I find myself avoiding memories. When they come, I allow myself to grieve as best I can. But it always feels incomplete. Grief is hard. Grief is triggering. It’s hard to process when feeling overwhelmed, but I know of no other way through it. But the shutdown of the flow of both memories and emotion is automatic. How do we turn off that automatic valve which is there for our protection?

I have no easy answers, especially as a survivor of such horrific things. I just do the best I can to allow myself to sit in the emotions triggered by the brief snippets of memory I have, by the photos I see, by the dates passing by. (It’s my sis’s upcoming birthday that got me into this post.)

It is my desire–my prayer–that all of us survivors find a way to grieve, even if we have to make it happen. In fact, maybe making it happen is the answer. Instead of waiting to be hit, I can take some time to choose to go there. I can be the master controller of the process. Maybe. Obviously, I would need to be prepared.

I just know I need to do something. It seems as if the walls of separation are starting to crumble and I had better be able to handle it. And I would rather handle it on my terms. Is it date programming? Age programming? Just the natural progression of aging and healing and growing? It could be any of those, all three of them or even some other option.

I live in a heavy cult area. They are everywhere, even in the places and groups that are supposed to be “safe”. It is absolutely imperative I trust G-D for my safety.

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My little sis

February 10, 2021
Need I say more?
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A warm wind blowing…

January 26, 2021

I have been through many freezing winters of the soul and heart. You know the ones. You can hardly breath for all the pain inside and you are tired from working so hard to numb your heart as you reel from what feels like a sucker punch to the soul. But breathe you do and stand up you do. And move on you do.

My heart hurts when I think of those who are being trafficked and those who are still trapped inside the cult/cabal/whatever you want to call it. I sometimes find myself crying when I think of them. But there is a warm wind blowing. It is the wind of rescue and freedom.

I keep seeing articles about women and children being rescued and I find myself both rejoicing and on the edge of tears. Why tears? Joy, for one. I am praising G-D Almighty for what He is doing. And tears of relief from knowing it is that many more women and children who will no longer have to suffer the degradation and horrors of being trafficked. It ain’t pretty, but it is, hopefully, behind them.

Don’t for one minute think trafficking is minor. Or that “it’s just sex.” Unwanted sex, especially for a child, is horrific. Rape for anyone of any age or gender is horrific. But it’s much worse than that, folks.

There is also torture…and death. And blood. Lots of blood. Imagine you are a small child and your hands and clothes are covered in blood. Horrified yet? Imagine you are holding the knife. Even worse, yes? Imagine an adult hand over yours plunging that knife into the child or baby or animal. We are only scratching the surface. There is more, but I will leave it at that for now.

These people are evil. They have sold their souls to hasatan…for what? Money? Power? Position? The life promised to them if they will eat and drink of their victims? Maybe all of those things?

People who have not been through it find it hard to imagine it. Oh, we are soooooo civilized! No one does those kinds of things today…or, at least, not in our nation. Ha! Oh, yes they do! And right under your noses! You have no idea how many are tied into this. There are whole towns mixed up in it. Lawyers, judges, law enforcement, civic leaders, religious leaders, “do good” groups.

But, there is a warm wind blowing. It is finally starting to come out. People in power and position, people in government and religion institutions, all the dirty people are being exposed for what they are–hasatan’s puppets and slaves.

That is the irony. They enslave. Do they even begin to understand how enslaved THEY are? Do they really think the “gifts” being offered come with an easy or low price? I think a lot of them do know from the earthly perspective. I don’t know if they know from the spiritual perspective just what they have done.

So, believe it or not, I pray for them. You see, as bad as the hell is they have inflicted on us, eternal hell is worse. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I want to see every single one of them rounded up and jailed or executed. Every. Single. One. But I also pray they will turn to Creator in humility and repentance and true horror and sorrow over what they have done. I pray they will be rescued from their own enslavement and depravity before they die.

I also know many of them were raised in this. It is generational in many cases. It was in mine. How can I be angry toward my parents when I know they, too, suffered? I am just thankful I have been set free from it. Although still wounded and broken in many ways, I am no longer experiencing that horror in actuality.

That warm wind helps the still frozen places of my heart to thaw. When I hear of them being set free, I gain a little more freedom. I find myself able to breathe more easily. It feels as if my spirit is in some way tied in to what is going on. The last couple years or so have been more difficult on a spiritual level and the last months/year especially so. I think I am somehow sensing the battle being fought in the spiritual and manifesting in the physical.

So I look and I watch. And I rejoice with every rescue I see. Sometimes, I get sucker punched. But I rise back up and I rejoice. I am free and, on some level, experiencing their new found freedom with them. I pray for their healing.

I feel that warm wind blowing…the wind of rescue and freedom…

…and it feels good.

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Appearances

December 31, 2020

Things are not always what they appear…and neither are people. We are witnessing the exposing in our nation and in the world of what people are truly like. An epic battle is unfolding. It is not between right and left, conservatism or liberalism, one party or another. No. It is evil against good. Of course, good will win. However, the ride through the war may get very bumpy.

We have already had rioting and looting and all kinds of shenanigans being pulled as the evil ones are desperate and scared. DJT was not supposed to win in 2016 and they tried, again, to make sure he did not win in 2020. They pulled all kinds of tricks to guarantee a win for them. It didn’t work, though. He did win, this time more massively than before. It was witnessed in real time in a SCIF in the Eisenhower Building on election night.

They also did not count on his presidency being part of a massive sting operation. Yes, you read that correctly. His whole presidency has been part of a massive sting and the evil ones fell right into it. The evidence is there to bring them all down. In the meantime, the lower ones have been getting arrested and brought down. Trafficking of drugs and people has been drastically lowered and children and women have been rescued.

Haven’t seen that on the news? That is because the news people are not journalists. They are CIA actors who are part of project mockingbird. Ever notice the news is almost identical between stations? Even down the wording? There are several examples people have put together showing them all talking at the same time saying the exact same thing. They are reading from a script. This is not journalism. It is story telling. They are telling the story they want all of us to believe so we will cooperate with their evil plans.

It is known that about 70% of the US government is in on this. Call it what you want. Cabal. Deep State. Cult. They are satanists…luciferians. Yep, you read that right, too. This is an evil that goes beyond imagination. Human trafficking, sacrifices, tortures, mind control, etc.

I know. You are thinking I am crazy and this is too far fetched. Well, I am here to tell you it is not. My family of origin was part of that cult. I am very painfully aware of the truth in it. I am also very much rejoicing in watching the take-down. This world is going to experience a freedom it has not known in a very long time.

Will it last? I do not believe so. I believe it is a last window of opportunity for people to get right with Creator G-D. The ultimate plan was revealed in His Word–the Bible. Read it. Know it. Seek Him. Ask Him to show you the Truth. There are many out there claiming to speak the Truth, but they do not. They are wolves in sheeps’ clothing. Be careful who you trust. Seek Him above all else and He WILL show Himself to you, especially in His Word.

I have been heartbroken to see how all this playing out is hurting and affecting people. Yet, I know, when it is over, it will have been worth it. You can’t tell people the Truth. You have to show them. That is why it all had to happen the way it is. It could have all been taken down four years ago, but the people were not ready. I hope and pray they are now.

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Just some thoughts

October 21, 2020

Our nation has deteriorated in many ways. Different people have different ideas as to what that deterioration looks like and who’s to blame. In reality, we are all to blame, collectively.

We have checked our brains and our hearts at the door. We have allowed ourselves to be so focused on self and entertainment and things that please us, that we won’t put in the hard work to research out the truth. There are organizations that have lied to us for so long and indoctrinated us in schools for so long and we just swallow it all…even when logic alone could so easily show us they (and we) are wrong.

We idolize people and we listen to them talk about things they’re ignorant of and we believe them. We’re lazy, too lazy to do the hard work of digging up the truth, too lazy to do the hard work of learning and applying logic.

We have sacrificed our hearts and our souls on the altar of convenience and me, me, me. We have allowed our neighbors to suffer. We have allowed the most innocent to be victimized. We have allowed the murders of people in the inner cities. We have allowed lousy education for some, while denying school choice. We have allowed the butchery of the unborn in the womb. And we are unrepentant.

Many of us go to places of worship. Maybe we cry out to God about the things we see. Maybe we don’t. Maybe we just ignore it all as an inconvenient truth…or, worse, not truth. But of all those who are crying out (whether in places of worship or not), how many actually put feet to doing something about the things we see? How many of us are tormented by our inability to do more and asking G-d to show us how/help us to be more effective? How many of us are sitting comfortably ensconced in front of our TV sets, our computer screens, and our phones allowing ourselves to be entertained into zombie pawns? How many of us are actually living versus being the mind and heart walking dead?

The wolf is at the door and has been for a long time. When are we going to wake up and do something about the wolf?

We are so busy fighting each other, we ignore the real enemy behind all this. We have a spiritual adversary that has been trying to take us down since the very beginning. And that adversary plays dirty. He will use any tactic at his disposal to turn people into his pawns and to turn people against each other. While we’re busy arguing and bickering and fighting with each other, he is in the background snickering at us and enjoying his success

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People Are Not Perfect

October 20, 2020

People are not perfect…I, maybe the least of all. I have made many mistakes in my life. I have felt the sting of the imperfections of others and others have felt the sting of mine. I did not wish it to be so, but it is the path that was laid before me and I have no regrets for having walked through the pain that others have inflicted.  I am who I am today because of all that has happened to me and I have grown through the mistakes I have made.

I do regret the times I have hurt others. That I will always wish I had done differently. Yet, I have come to terms with the fact that, so many times, I was simply doing the best I could with what I had at the time. I can honestly say I have never wanted ill or evil toward anyone, not even toward those who were committing evil toward me. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted them to become better people–not be evil.

It saddens me when I see so many people expecting perfection from others while giving themselves a pass on their own behaviour and attitudes. It is also saddens me when I see people leaning so heavily on others. They rely upon others to give them a sense of worth and value. But that can never truly come from another person.

People will always let us down at some point. It is the very nature of being human. Only One will never let us down and that is Creator G-D. We may think He has let us down. But I have found, when I look at the bigger picture and I can see things from His perspective, He has never let me down.

There are times He has refused me something I really wanted, but I could later see that it was actually for my good. That thing (or person) I wanted in my life was not what was best for me. In some cases, it was actually bad for me. And then there is free will.

G-D will not force us to comply. When another person was being hurtful toward me, they were making choices. G-D does not remove the ability to make choices. Not my freedom or someone else’s. That is why I try to be so careful with the choices I make. I don’t want to hurt others. It is also why I understand His not always stopping the choices of others.

He has protected me, though, in many ways. Sometimes, it was a supernatural protection as He showed/told me what I needed to do to get/be safe. He did not stop their plans, but He did thwart them by showing them to me. Of course, I had to trust Him and do my part to believe and act.

He also protected my heart and mind from being destroyed worse than it was. He tempered the effects of the abuse while not stopping the abuse. My abusers had the freedom to abuse me, but G-D gave me the freedom to trust Him for healing and for helping it to not totally destroy me. He does set limits on what we can do.

I am thankful for my relationship with the Creator–with the God of the Bible. He has brought much healing and helped me to become the person I am today.

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Obedience – the Key to True Peace!

October 19, 2020

Obedience is key to peace, but obedience to who? Not my abusers! That never brings any true lasting peace. And not to any false gods. That, too, will not bring true lasting peace. There is only One to whom I give my obedience (outside of legitimate civil authorities) and that is the One True God–Creator G-D.

Creator G-D has given me His teachings, His laws, His commands for my benefit. They are there to protect me. When I follow them, I know that I am doing what He knows is best for me. When I obey them, I am keeping myself within His will, His guidance, His protection. I cannot expect Him to watch over me and protect me when I am willfully disobeying His teachings!

In order to obey His teachings, I need to know what they are. To know what they are, I need to read them and study them. I also need to ask Him to show me how to apply them to my life–to give me understanding. He promises to give me wisdom if I will just ask for it.

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The Power of Forgiveness

August 15, 2020

Forgiveness is a powerful thing, especially for survivors. It sets us free. When we are not able to forgive, we lock ourselves into a prison of our own making. The other person may not even be aware of our resentment and bitterness. They go free while we are obsessed with visions of revenge, whether we can carry them out or not.

Forgiveness is also very misunderstood. People will say, “forgive and forget” while not even recognizing that forgiving and forgetting are two separate things. That is why the word “and” is in that phrase. Forgiving is not forgetting. It is not pretending nothing happened. It is not trusting the one who hurt us. It does not even require having any kind of current relationship/connection with the person. If someone slipped you a date drug and raped you, does forgiving them really mean you should go out with them again? Of course not! Yet, that is the logical endpoint of “forgive and forget”! People do not realize what they are saying makes no sense!

Over the years, I have seen survivors locked in the prison of unforgiveness because they have been told they must trust the person completely and treat them as if they have done nothing to harm them. Naturally, this creates conflict within the person. How they can they forgive with that criteria? So, when they would ask me how I could forgive, I would explain how I see forgiveness in two levels.

One level is my releasing them from my desire for revenge. I remove myself from the self-imposed roles of judge, jury and executioner. (That does not mean I don’t participate in legal proceedings against them if it is appropriate.) I release them from taking up space in my head and heart. But I do not trust them and may not even have relationship with them. This person may or may not have even acknowledged their actions against me. They may or may not have asked for forgiveness.

The other level of forgiveness involves giving them a chance to prove themselves trustworthy again. This means the person seems to be genuinely sorrowful for what they have done and asked for forgiveness. I do not trust them immediately, of course, but give them a chance to earn it. In other words, I might allow someone who stole from me into my house, but I sure won’t leave my purse in the same room with them. It can take a long time to rebuild trust, if ever.

Those are two pretty rough divisions, but they really helped them to find the freedom of forgiving. Years later, I found Dr. Stephen Marmer on a Prager U video talking about forgiveness. He does a much better job and divides it into three categories. I highly recommend it. It is only about five minutes long. The video is on both YouTube and their site. You can download the transcript from their site. I am giving you the links to both.

This is the Prager U site where you can get the transcript to download. https://www.prageru.com/video/forgiveness/

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My Contact Form

August 10, 2020

I just discovered I have had people reaching out to me since 2010 and I was not getting notifications! It is too late to respond to most of them now. It saddens me that I did not see them. I have to trust that Creator G-d has a reason for allowing that.

So, if you have tried to reach out to me and not received a response, that is most likely why.

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Getting Out (of the Marriage)

August 3, 2020

It took years to get out of that marriage that I did not even know I needed to leave. The whole marriage was more unpleasant than pleasant. Oh, we had our good times, but his behavior toward me was not one of real respect. At first, of course, it seemed so. But I was also blinded by my own brokenness… a brokenness I did not understand and the roots of which I did not know.

I kept wanting to grow, to get better, to understand my brokenness and fix it. He did not. That is the simplest explanation for how it all came apart. I was moving in one direction… toward God and he was refusing to budge. The strain on our relationship grew greater and greater. His attempts to control and manipulate stayed strong. But, as I grew, I began to take baby steps out from under his control. Eventually, it came to a head.

During the marriage, there were times he would force himself on me. Being cult trained, I was unable to say “no” to anything if I could not come up with an iron clad justification… anything. When he would rape me, it would feel as if a piece of me inside would just break off, shrivel up and die. The day came when God impressed on me that I needed to set a boundary and if I didn’t, the same feeling I had during the rapes was going to become my life. I was not going to survive.

So, the time came and I set that boundary and told him I did not want to. It was a huge, groundbreaking step. I had mentally and emotionally prepared myself for the worst possible scenario. I was prepared, if necessary, to be beat. He had never beat me, but he had done things that led me to be afraid he could and would if provoked enough.

He didn’t like it. He picked me up and threw me on the bed. I still refused. From that point, he switched to mental and emotional head games. But I kept my resolve. I knew I had God on my side. He eventually backed down and, at that moment, I found myself saying that I thought we needed to separate. Whoa! Where did that come from? Such boldness!

He said I had to leave. I was bold again! I said he had to leave and the children were staying with me. And he did!

That was the beginning of the final separation and the end of the marriage… a marriage that really wasn’t a marriage anyway. It was one more step in the process of breaking free, although I still did not know just what I was breaking free from, yet.

I did not shoot for divorce. I still just wanted a real family and a home filled with sobriety and love. But it wasn’t going to happen. I filed for separation and, ultimately, filed for divorce as he chased skirts and refused any counseling, etc. Biblically speaking, I had grounds for divorce years prior. But I didn’t want a divorce. It takes two people working together on a marriage. I had to let it go.

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Arranged Marriages

August 3, 2020

It is not unusual for occultic groups to arrange marriages. It can be an alliance marriage intended to bring greater power to both groups as they partner together. It can be a convenience marriage to keep two rival groups from ripping each other apart. I don’t really know which one mine was.

Groups will often pretend to be enemies in order to keep loyalty alive in their members. There is so much deception, it makes it hard to know what is truth and what is not. My family and his family did not get along. There was a constant attempt to manipulate us from both sides. Of course, at the time, I thought this was just normal DIL/MIL, SIL/MIL stuff. I had not yet had memory recall and did not know the fuller story.

Looking back from this side of recall, our whole relationship was rather bizarre. The way we met, the way it played out, our engagement, our wedding, our marriage. The whole thing had elements of the weird in it.

When I got memory recall and my therapist and I started to look at my marriage and things I was remembering, it became pretty evident that it was most likely an alliance marriage. This was strengthened by memories and information that seemed to indicate I have a higher “bloodline” than ordinary members. I had status. Can I prove it? No. But everything in me says it is true. It fits.

Whether the two families were pretending to not get along or whether the truly did not get along, I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. The effect was the same on him and I. We were constantly off balance and spending time and energy (or at least I was… I can only speak for myself) on trying to keep the peace and get along with both of them. I was at odds with my own family and at odds with his. The constant vying for loyalty made life very challenging… to say the least.

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