Archive for the ‘survivors’ Category


Trying times…

March 26, 2020

These are trying times. No doubt about it. They can also be triggering. It is easy to feel trapped rather than restful. To feel fearful and uncertain rather than resting in the Creator. I am sure some of us have programming that can easily get triggered during times such as these.

It is time to make sure we take good care of ourselves. Know your grounding tools. If you have not already, develop your skills to handle being triggered. Learn to recognize when a trigger might be coming on so you can stop it before it takes full hold.

You can do this. We can do this. This is nothing compared to what you have already survived! Reach out to the people in your life you know are safe. It is OK to be nervous. It is not OK to allow fear to run (and ruin) your life.

My prayers are with all survivors, especially during these times. Use this at home time to read and rest and pray and nurture yourself and those around you. It is still allowable to take walks in most places so long as you keep your distance from others. Enjoy the sunshine and the fresh air. Have a balcony or a back yard? Enjoy them! Listen to music. Sing along! This will not last forever!


Fear versus Caution

March 25, 2020

As an SRA survivor, there isn’t a whole lot life can throw at me that is as bad as what I have already been through. Am I cautious? Sure! I am not checking my brain at the door. But am I afraid? Nope! I know to Whom I belong and, even if I were to die, I know where I am going. And it things get bad economically, I know who my Provider is. The same G-D that got me through all the rest of life, will get me through this.


Where Have I Been?

March 25, 2020

I finally came back to this blog and was surprised to see I had comments to approve. Not sure why I didn’t receive notifications telling me. So, where have I been?

Well, life has been happening. Our youngest son is still estranged from me, but is talking to his father. So, that is a positive. I have gotten back into recovery rooms. That is a positive. I got back in with 28 years of sobriety and now sponsor women.

Overall, I have been doing well, but last October I did get triggered very badly. I cannot believe what some people think are appropriate or good decorations. I mean, come on. Who in their right mind thinks some guy dangling a baby upside down over a big can of some kind is a good thing?

Now, you would think I would have been smart. There is a road along the river that suddenly curves around a corner and there was the display. It kind of smacked you in the face. I noticed it, but didn’t really get triggered by it. I just thought it was disgusting. But, I did not think to remember it being there and to turn left at the street prior. It was just a minor blip the first time.

The second time, though, I had forgotten about it and that time it really smacked me in the face. I went to the store and, in the parking lot, called the guy, but that call was almost as triggering as the display. He told me no one had complained except a guy in an apartment across the street who said the screaming was too loud. I am so glad I saw it when it was turned off. I think it might have been moving, but I did not hear anything that I can recall. After that, I went to a recovery meeting and spent almost the whole meeting trying to get grounded. I was shaking inside so badly.

I don’t recall the last time I got so triggered. I mean, this was really bad. People who have not lived what SRA survivors have lived have zero comprehension. However, you would think the average ordinary person would be turned off and disgusted by such a display anyway. I have to wonder about the people who make such things, who sell such things and who display such things. What is so broken in them that they really think this is good? Maybe, they are also survivors. And maybe, they don’t know it, yet. I was amnesic about that part of my life for many years.

I don’t know how often I will be writing here. I plan on starting a sister blog on recovery. But I will try to keep up more with this one, too. I really need another writing outlet anyway.

There probably aren’t many people reading this blog any more, but if anyone still is, I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment and I will try to get this conversation going again.

Oh, as far as having DID… I have not had any solid indications of not being blended for a very long time. There were some things that happened after the triggering, but I talked with my “former” therapist about them and she told me new research indicates it might just be the brain healing itself. More on that later, if I can. It’s been awhile since I talked with her, so I have to remember the conversation.


Current Day Life

October 28, 2016

Overall, I would have to say that I am doing well. There are always going to be life challenges due to the abuse I experienced. Long term, early abuse causes the brain to develop differently. The way my brain works is always going to be a challenge on some level. But I can live with it. I can work with it. A lot has to do with accepting things as they are and working to do the best I can within my limitations.

Does that mean I will roll over and not try to excell? No. But it does mean I am not going to bang my head against a wall and expend energy that would be better put to use elsewhere.

I am doing limited art again. Little things. For enjoyment and continued healing. I am reading more, preferable hardbound books, but also on Kindle. I am “unplugging” more. I am not striving to be someone I am not.

G-d made me the way I am for a reason. He allowed things to happen in my life for a reason. Did He want me abused? NO! NO! NO! But giving humans the right to choose means that many choices will not be best…or will even be horrible and evil.

The best thing is that nothing goes unnoticed by Him. Every one of us will, at some point, have to pay for what we have done. Thankfully, since we ALL fail on SOME level, He gave us a part of Himself to help us. Jesus aka Yeshua, came to us in human form. He humbly lowered Himself to become one of us and to walk among us.

It saddens me to so much of what He taught has been distorted over the centuries, starting within a couple hundred years of His time with us. We have lost sooooo much. He gave the greatest gift of all by coming to walk with us and by paying the penalty for all the blow-its we commit. I am very grateful. And while I still strive to be better and do better — to walk more closely in His ways — I am grateful that I do not have to pay that penalty. What is not to love about a G-d…about a Creator…like that?

So, I live my days in gratitude. And in love. I think that is why I can say that I am doing well overall even in the midst of my struggles. I know He is there with me, guiding me, leading me, loving me. Forgiveness, when I blow it, is only a heart whisper away for He is faithful to forgive us when we sincerely ask.

Life is hard, but life is good. Finances are extremely limited and I am battling some health issues. BUT, He is here walking with me. And I am looking forward to His coming kingdom. There will come a day when all evil will be gone and all who have trusted in Him and sought Him will be changed and perfected. Oh, how I LONG for that day!


Why do people believe the lies of child molesters?

October 28, 2016

The same can be said when you are dealing with Ritual Abuse. No one wants to believe these kinds of things happen in a “civilized” modern society. Add the “satanic” factor to it and it is no better. *sigh* But I am seeing glimmers of hope. More and more people accept what I share…when I trust enough to share. And I don’t share the worst of it.

Trauma and Dissociation

Charles Whitfield (2011) researched the defense tactics of accused and convicted child molesters and found that of all the defenses that a child molester has at his/her disposal, the most effective is our collective desire not to know. We all so much want the abuser not to have happened that when an accused person says they didn't do it, it resonates with our own personal hopes and beliefs about the incident. How Society Enables Child Molesters
Charles Whitfield (2001) researched the defense tactics of accused and convicted child molesters and found that of all the defenses that a child molester has at his disposal, the most effective is our collective desire not to know. We all so much want the abuse not to have happened that when an accused person says they didn’t do it, it resonates with our own personal hopes and beliefs about the incident.

Read more about this research from The Leadership Council’s post

“Society gives the image of sexual violators as weird, ugly, anti-social, alcoholics. Society gives the impression that violators kidnap children are out of their homes and take them to some wooded area and abandon them after the violation. Society gives the impression that everyone hates people who violate children. If all of these myths were true, healing would not be as challenging as it…

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Seeing Deceptions

September 15, 2016

Seeing so much deception in the world can be very disheartening. Yet, there is an upside to it, too. Yep, an upside. It makes me more grateful than ever that I can see as clearly as I can. Am I saying I cannot be deceived? No. But I am saying that I know the One who is never deceived and He gives me insight as to what is really going on in the world.

I am grateful for the Creator’s Word…both the written and the Living. I am grateful for His Spirit that lives inside me, leading me and guiding me even when I am not aware of it and helping me to understand His written word…the bible. I am grateful for His Messiah who took care of the problem of darkness within me…my own evil and propensity to do wrong things.

There are those who have wronged me in the past. I have forgiven them. There are those who, I believe, are wronging me in the present. I forgive them. Does that mean I am unaffected? No. But the effects are lessened by the understanding the Spirit gives me.

When I look at the world through the eyes of my Creator, I see a lost world. The greatest darkness and deception are not from those in the world toward the rest of us. No, it is a deception that the deceivers themselves are caught up in. And that causes me to pity them.

Those attempting (and being very successful with many) to deceive us are themselves deceived. They do not see the Truth about the bigger plan our Creator has for this world. They think they are gaining power and have wealth to make them better than the rest of us, but they only have and do what they are allowed by our Creator to have and do.

Our Creator has a bigger plan of redemption for this world. He will make it brand new. But before that time, there will continue to be a battle between Light and dark, between Good and evil, between our spiritual adversary and us. But I know who wins. In the end, it is US through the Spirit of our Creator. Messiah has ALREADY won the battle over death and sin, but we need to walk that out in our lives.

I truly wish I did a much better job of that, but I am entrusting my spiritual well-being to my Creator. He knows my frame and that I am merely dust. Yet, He takes that dust and raises up out of it human beings made in His image. He makes beauty and love and all good things possible.

I cannot choose what happens to me in life, but I CAN choose my response to it. And I choose to worship my Creator and to walk in His ways as best I can out of love and gratitude and respect for Who He is.

So, when I see all the deceptions and I am tempted to be frustrated…or worse, afraid…I look to Him. I am comforted by the prophecies where He has spelled out for us what has happened, is happening now and will happen. I do not need to fear the future. He holds that in His capable hands. I need not fear the now, for He is working something good out of it.

I see the Light shining in the midst of the darkness. I see Messiah Yeshua (Jesus) coming. I also see a time of great trouble on the horizon before He comes back. But I know I am OK in the here and now. And I will be OK in the midst of the coming troubles because He will be here with me. Yeshua promised to never leave or forsake us and He is not a liar.


My Father Now

February 21, 2016

This is actually a comment I wrote in response to something someone else wrote about my having gotten more from my father than most. It gives some insight to how things are now with him and I. Our communication is very sporadic.


I have definitely gotten more, including some old family photos and such. He definitely attacked me years ago. Our communications for many years were limited to a few terse emails, many of which (from his side) sounded a bit bizarre and did not relate to what I wrote him. Little emails.

My mother died. He remarried…way too quickly…at my mother’s prompting. Oy vey! Such dysfunction. He was caught between trying to grieve his 1st wife of over 50 years while being a “happy” newlywed. Less than 4 years later, she divorced him and won’t even speak to him. It appears that his stuffing was finally coming out and causing him to have episodes he says he does not remember. So, he is in counseling.

He says it is hard…and I empathize. Our contact is still limited. He has been clearing things out, preparing for the fact that he is elderly. So, he was sending me all kinds of photos. I had to tell him to stop as it got overwhelming for me. But it was nice to see them. Frustrating in not knowing who a lot of the people were. I hate to throw them out, but if I don’t know who they are…who will? Mom is gone. I have no idea to whom I should pass them on. Know what I mean?

And, it is like going through someone’s estate before they die. That is not a bad thing, but it does feel like an “ugh” thing. Does that make any sense at all? LOL


Life Moves On

February 20, 2016

Obviously, it has been awhile since I have come here to write. Things have happened during that time. My beloved MIL died not long ago. We had to tell our son to move out when he crossed a line. Thing is, we came to that place many times before and he would humble himself, acknowledge wrongdoing and apologize. We would let him stay. Not this time. The two events came close together which really made it difficult to know what I was grieving when. Both made me sad, although I know I will see my MIL again. So, I think most of the pain was from our son. Although, the other day, I got a notification that her birthday is coming up and the emotions hit. I will miss her. We did not live close physically, but she was a wonderful woman and I am honored to have known her. So, now I have three yahrtzeits a year. My sister, my mom and my MIL. And life moves on.

There are cycles in life and I am not really sure where I am in the cycle. I am older now…approaching my 60’s. I am tired…battling some fatigue. It gets better and then I get hit emotionally or physically and down I go. However, overall, I am doing better. I don’t go down as far as I used to since I started to pace myself instead of pushing through and since I am guarding my heart to make sure I don’t hold emotions in or fight them. I allow them to flow through me…other than fear. I refuse to allow that to take hold. And I am actually doing pretty well with that.

With my son out of the house, we are empty nesters. Yay! Didn’t want it to happen this way, but I am able to appreciate it, nonetheless. At first, I struggled with guilty for enjoying it because of the way he left and out of concern for his losing his grandma. But that was his choice. Our only choice was to no longer put up with the behaviour. There is good news, though. He has to grow up…mature. At first, he did not even want us to know where he was. The other day, he did text to let me know where he was staying (a family we know) and that he has his first real job. Don’t know where, but the fact that he let us know after telling us we were on a “need to know” basis for everything…well, we see that as progress. Very slow. Very small. But still forward movement. How pressured he was to text me, I don’t know. But I will take whatever I can get. I am also comforted by the fact that I know a lot of good people are watching out for him.

I am back in school…online. The natural health field. I am excited about that, but also dragging. My “study/office” is challenging to keep organized and that affects my ability to focus and study. I am working on it, though, bit by bit.

Things are good. I cannot really complain. I have a roof over my head and, even though it is not “finished”, it is more than adequate. I have food. I have shelter. We are living on early SS and whatever G-d provides beyond that. My hubby is trying for disability…something his lawyers do not understand he did not get because it is so obvious. Court is coming up, but we don’t know when…just most likely within the next couple of months or so. That bit of extra would really make a huge difference. He wanted to be able to keep working until his age out, but it just was not possible. And once you are on early SS, you cannot go back unless you get a job to put back in. Disability would enable him to get as much as if he had worked until age out as early only garners you 75% of age out.

As for me, when I think of working, I can feel the stress rising…the same stress that triggers fatigue. So, I am hoping to be able to “work” with that and maybe get a part time job come spring/summer and nicer weather. Right now, it just does not seem doable. I have to fight the panic that wants to rise. But I know that, whatever I am supposed to do, I will be able to do. For G-d does not call us to do anything without equipping us and making a way for us to do it.

I guess that is my update for now. Will I have more thoughts later? Probably. In fact, I have a lot of thoughts about things, but am not able to come and write about them. It is easy to feel overwhelmed in life…hence the “panic” about working. It is not that I am afraid to work. I am just concerned about biting off more than I can chew…emotionally and energy wise. What will be will be and I will work with it as best I can.

One battle I fight is that of comparing. It is a dangerous thing to compare. I am amazed at what some people are able to do in life…even survivors. And I can easily feel as if I am not “good enough”…too “broken”. I have to remember that I am not called to do what they are doing. I have my own calling. I need to embrace it and let go of the comparisons. There are many things I “want” to do, but I cannot do them all. And that is hard. I have to discern what I am supposed to do from amongst all the things I would like to do. Or get super organized! LOL

What is most important in life? That needs to be my focus. Most important spiritually first. When that part of me is in order, the rest can fall into place. I do the best I can regarding taking care of my spirit, my body and my “heart”. I will be OK.


Life with DID

November 15, 2015

I have not really felt as if I have DID for a long time and my experience with DID was not in the extreme like some experience it. I was asked recently what it was like for me before…what it was like to live with DID. Since DID is on a continuum, some might argue whether or not I crossed the line into actual DID as opposed to being just on this side of the line. I don’t really care about that as I am not into labels. This post is about my answer to her.


Finally…I can get back to this. My story with dissociation is not like most. I did not lose time like extreme cases. I did notice some things, though. In certain situations, I would switch personalities, although I did not recognize it as such. I was always copresent and it just felt as if I was now “outgoing” or somehow better suited for the situation or environment. I just thought I was somehow mustering up courage and beating my “shyness” down, but I realized later that I was switching to a different part of me.

When I first became aware of real switching is when something triggered my main upfront host to move inside…aware…but from inside. I had been prepared for this by G-d who had lead me to some information about dissociation. Although I did not relate to all of it, some of it seemed familiar and so I just paid attention to the little indicators I saw…tiny snippets of lost time, although nothing major.

When the trigger hit (two back to back incidents with my parents), my main host went inside and I knew what was going on. As main host, I watched from inside as a secondary cohost who had always been copresent was out front. That is when I became aware of this part of me that had always been there. It is like I had side by side personalities…not sure how many…and they worked in tandem…flowing in and around each other.

When I went for healing, I was given “sight” into the inside. I was working with a woman who was a survivor and lay counselor. We prayed together and the Holy Spirit did a huge work inside. I met parts of me and listened as they shared and then I saw lines of alters streaming into me…blending with me inside. It was amazing. I don’t know how many. Hundreds? It was like a huge crowd and they just kept walking toward me and then into me.

Some remained…key alters that held things that really needed more healing. That took more time. But as each one found what they needed, they just blended.

My whole goal from the time I found out about all this was to do what was needed for healing and become whole again…go back to what I was created to be. Over time, I realized that I could not go back completely because the abuse started soooooo early. I could become whole, but I would not revert back to my pre-abuse state. My experiences, like all experiences, were/are a part of who I am. So, I embrace them.

Blending does not mean I am not still amnesic. I cannot honestly say that there are not more parts of me left that need healing. Life has been a roller coaster ride (you know about some of it). I have had to “batten down the hatches”, as it were. Now that things are quieting down, will I become aware of more “aspects” of myself that are still separate inside? I have no idea.


SLAUGHTER IN PARIS: ISIS claims responsibility for deadliest terror attacks in Europe since 2004. French President vows “pitiless” revenge against Islamic State. Yet Obama says ISIS has been “contained.”

November 15, 2015

We need to pray and to be prepared. Darkness and evil are rising, but our Creator has the answer. Seek Him with all your heart. Be willing to obey the G-d of the bible…the Creator…Yeshua/Jesus…G-d of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob!

Joel C. Rosenberg's Blog

France-ISISattacks-Nov2015On Friday morning, President Obama told ABC’s “Good Morning America” that the apocalyptic terror movement known as the Islamic State finally had been “contained.”

“I don’t think they’re gaining strength,” the President told George Stephanopolous. “What is true is that from the start, our goal has been first to contain and we have contained them. They have not gained ground in Iraq, and in Syria they’ll come in, they’ll leave, but you don’t see this systemic march by ISIL across the terrain.”

By Friday night, however, ISIS had launched a savage and deadly series of coordinated attacks throughout Paris. One day earlier, ISIS launched two suicide bombing attacks in Beirut. Just days before that, ISIS claimed to have blown a Russian civilian jetliner over Egypt. In each case, Islamic State leaders said they were attacking nations engaged in fighting against them in Syria and Iraq.

This raises the question of whether ISIS is planning…

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Why You Shouldn’t Use Liturgy in Your Worship

October 22, 2015

Some really good thoughts here. As a former Roman Catholic, I understand what he is saying.

Engage the Times


Liturgical worship is coming back into style nowadays, though it has been around for centuries. Some people love it; some people hate it. We started using liturgy in our church several years ago. Here’s why you shouldn’t use it.

The Connections to the Ancient Church

Many people associate the use of liturgy with the Roman Catholic Church. Actually, the Romans were not the first to use liturgy. Liturgy developed in the Early Church, possibly having been influenced by liturgy from Jewish backgrounds. Using liturgy gives a sense of connection to something more than the local church. Liturgy allows a local church to feel connected to the universal church that consists of all true believers through the ages. Today, churches pride themselves on being independent, creating new things, and trying to “start movements.” Liturgy reminds us that we are already part of a greater movement of God’s kingdom on earth. If…

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Life Is Good…

September 26, 2015

Well, here I am! It has been two months since my last post. Other than some minor health issues, I am doing well. My youngest now has a car and a license and is going to get his certification in a field he desires. Hubby is back to work…with some health issues, but he seems to be making it OK. My life is headed into a different season than it has been.

Now, I should have more time for study, reading, writing, guitar playing and other things on my list…in between the resting I need to do for my health. With no vehicle, I will still be pretty much housebound unless my son takes me places. I am OK with that. Life is good. G-d is good.

How much I can actually do will depend on how much I can rest. Apparently, my body is fatigued from all the stresses I have been under for the last decade or so. It is now time to rest. I am OK with that. I am grateful to be alive.


Did not think it through enough…

July 23, 2015

I did not think through enough my invitation to my father. Did not discuss it enough. Even though my son brought it up and I did ask if he was sure, we should have talked more about how it would/could all play out. My son had to give a speech and it put him on the spot because he wanted to talk about his other grandparents who could not be there. It was awkward for him.

He brought things to give me. I could feel obligated to move forward in the relationship with him because of that. However, I did some good self-talking and processing. He chose to bring those things. I did not ask him to. I had asked a long time ago for one thing and he refused. This was his choice. I am grateful, but not indebted. Cults are all about indebtedness. They want us to owe them something…or at least feel as if we do. That is one way to keep us bound.

The timing of things was interesting. His wife leaving him and his apology. Is it possible I was tricked into inviting him? Maybe? I could have tricked myself for wanting some “family” member besides us to be at a special event for our son. But he is not really a “family” member. He is related by blood, but that does not make “family”…not real family.

I will NOT (edited in…hmmm) accept any strings…intentional or unintentional…connected to the visit or any of the things he brought to give me. I am free to choose to continue this connection or not and to define the connection on my terms. You cannot treat me like dirt and then ignore me for over a decade and expect a whole lot from an apology. I have given a huge gift. It is enough.


Dear Jeff…

June 23, 2015

You have apparently mistaken me for someone else.

Your situation sounds heartbreaking and I have no idea how to help you.

I really wish I could.

So sorry.  😦


After the “Visit”…

June 2, 2015

OK. So, my father came and left. I am still processing this visit.  It went “OK”. I am “OK”. It was a little bit awkward…naturally. I was very focused on my son’s graduation and making sure all was well with that. There is much I could write, but I am still processing and thinking about it.

I still don’t think he is dangerous at this point. But he is also still amnesic…or at least claims to be. I don’t think he would intentionally do something, but that does not mean he might not “unintentionally”. Those who are familiar with the layering that happens in SRA will understand what I am talking about.

Right now, I am concerned that he might think everything is “hunky dory”…which could lead to his thinking about moving up here. I do NOT want that…for him to move any closer. Yet, I do submit myself to my heavenly Abba’s will and trust that He will do/allow what is best. He is watching over me and protecting me. Anything He allows, He will cause me to grow through it and benefit from it.

I know…that is something that is hard to comprehend. I mean…really? So being accessed and raped after we moved here was used for my good? Yeah, in a way it was. Not that the event itself was good. But He protected me…in that instance…from worse things. And I did learn from it. It was a hard lesson, though, and I no longer will even consider meeting with a therapist who specializes with RA survivors. And no one else “gets it”. So, I just do occasional phone calls with my former T and I continue to trust my Abba.

I like this picture I did some time ago.

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