Archive for the ‘therapists’ Category

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Staying Safe As Survivors In Our Interactions With Others…Part 7

February 15, 2010

5. We need to jump right in and work hard on healing. Let’s not waste time. It takes time to build trust. A good therapist will give you that time. While they might gently prod you at times, they won’t accuse you of not being serious about your healing if you need to go slowly.

6. It should not take very long for you to “heal” with my method of doing things. Or…you will need to work with me a long time. The problem with this is that no one knows how long it will take for anything. I have seen huge leaps forward in healing and I have seen things take a long time. I might give them a try, but I will be wary of anyone who insists on a specific time frame rather than explaining general possibilities. It is one thing to share what others have experienced, but I am not others. I am a unique individual.

To Sum Up

Your feelings, your thoughts, your ideas, your knowledge, your questions and your hesitations…should always be respected. A good therapist will take the time to talk with you and work things through. He/she will take as much time as you need to answer all your questions and to build trust. They will never try to force something upon you.

To be continued…

The first post in this article is here.

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Staying Safe As Survivors In Our Interactions With Others…Part 6

February 15, 2010

3. I don’t need (or have time) to answer your questions. Just trust me. I am the expert. I cannot emphasize enough how important this really is. I was at an online for-pay forum run by one therapist who did not use those words, but whose actions said the same thing. I was really stuck on something and was not given adequate help to figure it out. I was not completely ignored…just not really helped. When others at her forum labeled me as “uncooperative” and “purposefully tromping on boundaries”, she never stepped in and corrected them.

As for the therapist mentioned in number two, when the host struggled to understand some things, he insisted that she just accept it. Her questions were largely ignored. When questions were raised on his private client forum, or in an online group therapy venue, we were accused of trying to undermine him to his other clients. Our questions about his methods or about things he said about our system were never answered. What is really sad, too, is that we found out other clients had similar questions, but were too afraid to ask him.

4. I know you better than you know yourself. Or…I know what you need better than you do. Again…those might not be the words used, but the messages are there, nonetheless. No one knows you better than you. Even though you may not be conscious of it as host, there are those inside who carry knowledge needed for healing. They know your system much better than any outsider can, regardless of their experience. An expert therapist might have some really good insights as to what is most likely going on inside, but they cannot know for sure since they are not inside of you. Pay attention, as best you can, to the trusted insiders. They are important in healing and in staying safe.

When one therapist was challenged by alters regarding his understanding of the system, he refused to listen. He told the host, as well as some alters, that they were wrong. It took months and a lot of help for the system to recover from the damage he caused. So, if someone does not respect that you know yourself better than they do…watch out!

To be continued…

The first post for this article is here.

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Staying Safe As Survivors In Our Interactions With Others…Part 5

February 15, 2010

Messages to Watch Out For – these messages may not be openly spoken, but they are underlying the interactions.

1. I have the key/knowledge/expertise, etc. to help anyone/everyone. There are many ways to heal in this journey called “life”. NO ONE has the only right or best way! There is NO one method for everyone. NO therapist who is a good fit for every survivor. NO forum that is a good fit for every survivor. NO survivor who is a good fit for every method or therapist or forum. We are all different. What works for one may not work for another…or it may work, but not be the best for that system. It is devastating when things don’t work with you and then, instead of re-evaluating the method, you get blamed. Someone who insists they can help everyone is typically unable to accept it when they find someone they cannot help. So, they place blame instead. They might question your commitment to your healing, for example.

2. My way is the only way. Be very careful of anyone, even a professional, who insists that the key to your healing is doing things a certain way…especially if you are not comfortable with it or don’t know enough about it. If someone refuses to consider a method that you have found helpful in the past (perhaps with other therapists)…watch out. I am not the only one who has run into therapists who believed this way. It limited their usefulness and, in some instances, the method they wanted to use/used was actually harmful to the system.

I had an online and over the phone therapist who insisted that he had made breakthrough discoveries upon which his methods were based. He said that to use any other method was to go backwards and “why would anyone want to do that?” The implication was that I was holding back on my healing. He was disrespectful and would not answer my questions, which leads to the next thing to watch out for.

To be continued…

The first post for this article is here.

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Staying Safe As Survivors In Our Interactions With Others…Part 4

February 15, 2010

3. Keep working on establishing some kind of communication with your system and, hopefully, the stopping of time loss. In the beginning, I also shared a willingness to listen while, at the same time, admitting that I was challenged in that area. I asked them to help me learn to hear them…to work with me on it. The biggest thing I wanted was for them to all realize that I was on their team and that, just because my ability to “hear” them or “see” them was extremely limited, I really did want to hear them…when we were both ready. I cannot say for sure, but I think that really helped. My goal was to gain their trust and encourage working together for healing and for safety.

So again, I encourage you, whether you call it being co-aware, co-present or co-conscious…work on it. I cannot emphasize it enough, so let me write it again. If there is always another alter overseeing the presenting alter, an alter who is mature and safety minded and who can step in if need be, the system can remain safe even when a very trusting alter (such as a very young alter, or little) is out.

It is also important that the host (and the whole system) be made aware if there are people, places or situations that are dangerous. If anyone in the system knows anything that could be important for staying safe, it needs to be shared amongst all. Communication can be such a huge part of staying safe.

Although I had very little of what I would call a direct two-way communication going on, I did have an advantage of not being, by that time, an obvious time loser. There was enough continuity that “I” always knew what was going on at any given time. Yet, in spite of that, about four years later, I was revictimized. So, safety is always an issue, even if you do not tend to lose time.

4. Make sure everyone knows what to watch out for. This can be tricky. Sometimes, it is not what is happening that is dangerous so much as who is doing it and why…and whether they have your permission. For example, working with littles can be key to healing, but if anyone keeps pushing to talk to littles, especially if you have not known them long…be extra cautious. I hate to have to say this…but there are bad therapists out there. So, you have to watch out with them, too. I wish it were not so.

To be continued…

The first post in this article is here.

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Staying Safe As Survivors In Our Interactions With Others…Part 3

February 14, 2010

Working With Your System

1. Work on developing a co-operation between you and your alters. When I first found out I was multiple, I did something that might help others. I did not “know” my whole system. I had no idea how big or small it was. So, I spoke out loud to my whole system. I shared what I knew about what had happened to us and how we developed DID. I also explained what I understood healing to be, what I thought our goals should be and how to stay safe. I shared anything and everything that, at the time, I thought might be of importance. I did not concern myself with who heard me or with getting responses. I simply told them that I was going to learn all that I could and work with them as best I could. I also asked them to please pass the information on to whoever could not hear me…to spread it system wide. I needed their help and asked them for it. Then…I trusted that what I was saying was being received. I did this a lot…over and over again.

2. Encourage your system to co-operate within itself. This is really important…especially if you are a time loser. When a younger, or more vulnerable, alter is out, it is very critical that a more mature, stronger alter always be listening in and ready to take over if there are any signs of danger. It takes everyone working together to stay safe.

Most systems I have met have alters who range from the extremely suspicious to the extremely trusting. While that presents an obvious challenge to the healing journey, I have found that the greatest danger seems to come when there is an alter out who is totally alone (or accompanied by unsavvy alters)…when there is time loss. It is in that total switching and losing of time that reconnecting with the cult, self-injury (and other risky behaviors) and being abused in the present can take place. This is why it is so important to work on developing a co-operation between alters and also on stopping time loss.

I encourage you to make sure that you (and everyone in the system) know what kinds of things to watch out for…what things might be indicators pointing to something being wrong. It is also important to have a well thought out plan of what to do if you suspect or see something is wrong. Remember, even when a very trusting alter is out, if there is another more mature and safety conscious alter watching over the interactions taking place, the system can remain safe.

To be continued…

The first post for this article is here.

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Staying Safe As Survivors In Our Interactions With Others…Part 2

February 14, 2010

Losing Time and Littles

The greatest risk appears to be with those who lose time, especially when littles or cult alters are out. Never assume, though, that because you do not typically lose time that nothing can happen. This is especially important if you have a cult background…as I found out the hard way. The breaking of trust can happen in so many different ways…with, or without, the loss of time, as you will see in this article.

I have heard it said that littles are the heart of the system. They hold a lot of the key foundational memories of the abuse. They were often around way in the beginning. As a result, a lot of healing comes from working with littles. I am very wary, though, of anyone who pushes to either work exclusively with littles (ignoring everyone else) or who pushes very early on to have access to littles. Trust should first be established with more mature alters who can, hopefully, discern whether the person is legitimate or just up to mischief.

Who Is Dangerous and Who Is Safe?

I wish there was an easy way to always know who is safe and who is not, but there isn’t. That is why we must always be wary and wise. It does not matter what role a person is playing, or desires to play, in your life. There are no categories of people who are guaranteed to be safe. I will say this, though, the more important the role and the closer they are going to get to you and your system, the more important it is to be cautious and watchful.

I have observed two kinds of people who take advantage of multiples, whether through the littles or in some other way. They are either those who are on a power trip, wanting to control and/or abuse the person for their own purposes or they are cult connected and acting according to their programming and the cult’s orders. Both are dangerous.

Sadly, some of the worst offenders can be professionals…the very people we should most be able to trust…and who we are, perhaps, most likely to trust. I have had some excellent experiences with therapists/professionals…and I have had some nightmarish ones.

To be continued…

The first post in this article is here.

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Staying Safe As Survivors In Our Interactions With Others…Part 1

February 10, 2010

NOTE: For a single post version of all 13 posts click on *SURVIVOR SAFETY* under “Pages” listed in the right hand column. Or, go here.

I was asked to write an article on safety. I am putting it here in segments. The article (or a shorter variation of it) will also be coming out in print in April. After I finish putting this up, I may revisit some of this in greater depth. I would love to get feedback and other’s thoughts on it.

Intro

I know there are unsafe people out there, but do I really need to be concerned about people I only “meet” online? Aren’t other survivors safe? After all, they have been through horrible things like I have! They understand safety…don’t they? What about my therapist? Can’t I count on my therapist to be safe? Do I really need to be concerned about people who are not my former abusers and/or cult group members? I intend to answer those questions. When I’m finished, it will be clear: you DO need to be concerned, especially if you are a multiple who loses time. However, you do NOT need to be fearful…just WARY and WISE.

I am NOT a professional. I am drawing from my own personal experiences and observations and from the experiences of dear friends and others I have met online. I will not cover leaving the cult. There are many good articles written by people far more knowledgeable in that subject than I. I appreciate that some do not like the term “alter”. I am using the term simply for ease in writing. The term “professional” or “therapist” could refer to any kind of trained person offering help, whether that person is licensed, has a degree or any other type of certification. It could also include someone who has “religious” or “spiritual” training.

Interactions can be an incredibly wonderful tool for healing. Yet…there ARE “horror” stories out there. Abuse can be blatantly obvious or very subtle. Sometimes, in our desire to believe that everything is OK and that the person we are hoping will help us is safe, we can ignore important indicators…or dangerously brush them aside. I hope writing this will help others experience healing while avoiding the possible negative side of personal interactions. It does not matter what role the other person plays in your life: fellow forum member, friend, supporter, caregiver, or even a therapist/professional. There is always a risk and I never want someone to go through any of the terrible things that I, and others I know, have gone through.

To Trust or Not and the Middle Ground

Those who have been abused and made it through trauma seem to fall into two very general categories…the extremely suspicious and the extremely trusting, with some falling in between. Those who are extremely suspicious are less likely to be revictimized; however, they are also more likely to struggle with being able to trust others enough to get help with their healing journey. Those who are extremely trusting seem to have an almost childlike naiveté about them. They just cannot seem to believe anyone would lie to them or present themselves as something they are not. While it is easier for them to trust enough to get help, they are obviously very vulnerable.

The best place to be, if you can get there, is in the middle…what I call “cautious trusting”. We need to learn to test the waters and slowly build trust. Without some kind of trust, we lose out on the benefits of the support of others. With too much trust, we run the risk of being revictimized. Finding that balance can be a real challenge.

To be continued…

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Step One Taken

September 1, 2009

I called the state licensing board and got…again…the info on filing a complaint. Apparently, you no longer have to live in the state to file a complaint. Now I need to either find what I had before…or rewrite something up. I need strength to do this…as it is difficult to not be very triggered and get very emotional as I think all of this through…again. I have to face it all again in order to write it out. Talk about PTSD! Ack!!!

I know that this will ultimate bring about healing…but I also know I will go through more hell before it is over.

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Am I Strong…Enough?…or When a Therapist is Evil

September 1, 2009

I have been reminded of some things lately…things from almost four years ago. I tried to do something about it then, but the regulations in place at that time didn’t really allow for that. I was encouraged to go ahead and send in my story, but I was moving and shelved it for the time being. Now, it is all coming up again.

Actually, it has been coming up again. A few months ago, a friend pointed me to a site that just kind of threw it all in my face again. I know that was not her intent. She wanted me to see what was being written that had to do with what I went through. She wanted me to see what was being shared.

Talk about being triggered. As I read what others wrote…about ME…it was like being hit all over again. I know the truth. There are others who know the truth…including the real perps who did it all…or who took advantage of things that would have happened anyway and blamed me for them. However, I have friends (former?) out there who still think I tried to do serious harm to them…all because of someone impersonating me.

As I sit here, I want to cry…again…for the God only knows (literally) how manieth time. Life is hard enough without having this come up again. Yet…it needs to be done.

I have been working lately on reclaiming my online system name. I am tired of wondering if people will hear it and wonder if I am THAT **** who they had heard about and did all those horrible things. I am tired of being afraid. Those who have gotten to know me…know, when they hear the stories, that it could not possibly be me. They have seen my heart…and that kind of evil just isn’t there.

Oh, I know…there are those who try to say that anyone who is dissociative is capable of great evil. However, there are always indicators…signs of something else being there. I have none…have had none. My therapist at the time this all came down had been keeping a watchful eye over me for a few years…reading TONS of journaling. Nope…no indicators. She had been looking for them all that time and could find none.

There are therapists out there who lie and manipulate to get what they want. What is ironic is when they accuse others of doing what they, themselves do. Or…better yet, when their own clients write articles all about how perps work…and they are either too blind to see that they are describing their own therapist…or else…maybe they are a part of it.

I know it can rock your world to find out that your therapist is evil. My heart goes out to those still associated with her.  More and more I hear about the hurts this woman has caused and is causing. And some of  her clients, too. I guess it stands to reason that this woman is teaching her clients, especially her forum moderators, well. They are being just like her.

I know we live in a sin filled fallen world…yet it never ceases to amaze me just how hateful, spiteful, uncaring and downright mean some people can be. They need to get a life…a REAL life! One that is filled with unselfish purpose and joy. Even in the midst of my pain, I can still experience some joy and some peace.

Anyway…reclaiming my system name is a huge thing for me.  It is mine and reflects something about who I am. A good name is worth more than silver or gold. This is my reputation. I just wish that O would fess up to her part in all this. That would sure make the rest a lot easier. I also wish those who were behind the scenes at that time would open up and be willing to share.

So what timing. I am working on reclaiming my system name and others are actually filing complaints against this woman…and, from what I hear…not just clients. I am being asked to tell my story. I am sick of this woman hurting people. It really needs to stop. I need to do this. Am I strong enough? I know my strength can only come from Adonai. I will do this. I must do this. If not for myself…then for the others.

Abba, please help me!

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Did I Mention?

June 29, 2009

Did I mention in my last post that I am swamped???? Sheesh! It is all good stuff…but it feels so overwhelming. Of course, one of the reasons I am feeling overwhelmed is because it is very difficult to do much of anything in my current living situation.

Then again, what is adding to my being swamped is that I am working on a special project that will totally change my living situation! *big smiles* It is a chicken and the egg kind of thing. The project would be a lot easier to work on if my situation was different. But if my situation was different, I would not need to do the project. *sigh*

Nevertheless, I am doing well. I am saddened about some things I have read recently…things that have to do with a therapist who is unscrupulous. It is validating to read what others are starting to share about what they saw going on…even if they don’t mention me. Just to read that others saw wrong behaviours and unethical conduct. Phew! That is VALIDATING!!

Someday, I really hope the person who lied behind my back and impersonated me will do the right thing and step forward to clear my name. But I am not holding my breath. I know that person is, herself, a very sick individual. A lot of cult survivors are…particularly if they are still being accessed. They can have insiders doing things they are unaware of.

Hmmm…very interesting. That is the very argument that was used against me. Thing is…I was not losing time, while this person openly admitted to losing time. The other thing is that I look at her with sympathy and caring. Whilst she and the others just attacked me. I try to understand. She (and others) just tried to destroy my reputation and friendships. What is even worse, she did things that almost literally destroyed some of my friends…things that I was blamed for.

Thankfully, most of them know now that it was not me.  Still…it would be really nice to have my name cleared…especially  in light of the fact that there are still some who think I am the guilty party.

In spite of all that, I still refuse to hate. I still refuse to get down about it. Sad sometimes…yeah…but down and depressed…no. Those who still believe I did it…well, they have the right to choose to continue to believe that. I have searched high and low and so did my therapist at the time. We saw no indicators and neither did my husband. No phone calls on the phone bill…and calls overseas would have really jacked up my phone bill back then. No IM records…even though I had all my IM’s recorded. No emails.

Yeah…I do still think about it every once in a while…especially when something is written and pointed out to me that deals with the whole subject or the people involved. *smile* Mostly, though, I have moved on with my life. Something that, sadly, not everyone involved has really been able to do. See, I had my reputation and friendships hurt…but I, myself, was not hurt. Some of the, on the other hand, were truly harmed. That saddens me every time I think of it…and I do sometimes think of it. These were my friends. I don’t just forget my friends…even if there is a separation between us now.

Well…did I mention that I am swamped???? Still, I am glad that I took this few minutes to write something here. It is kind of like waving at all my friends out there who do come by to read this. I wish you all well.

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Not of My Making – #1

April 1, 2009

I have started to read Margaret Jones’ book Not of My Making. I  wrote about her in a couple of previous posts.

The first chapter, “Vunerability”, describes being molestated several times as a child and some of the abusiveness she experienced at home and at school. As I read it, I realized that I still had some processing of my own to work on relating to my own childhood abuses. I had to put the book down as I felt the emotions rising up within me. Little bits of my home life and my own school life started to flash within me.

School for me, although difficult, was a whole lot easier than Margaret’s, though. I was always on the bottom few rungs of the social ladder in school. Sometimes, I was outright teased, but not nearly as badly as Margaret was. The kind of teasing she describes going through brings to mind another book I have read. It is The Wounded Spirit by Frank Peretti. I have met Frank. He has a very caring heart, especially for those who have wounded by bullying.

Margaret had said the book would be a fast read. I did not think so, figuring that I would be triggered by some of what I was reading, but I wasn’t going to disagree without looking at it. Ordinarily, I am a very fast reader, but this does really hit me. It does not help that there are other things I am struggling with in my life, too.

In the second chapter, “Rejection”, she continues to write about her school experiences, moving on into the college years. In both chapters, she poignantly describes some very touching events, alongside of some very destructive ones. She shares the times of hope that she had, followed by the deep wounding resulting from being set up and then betrayed.

There were such damaging messages given to her by her family of origin. The events in her life just seemed to confirm these messages…over and over again. Left a very broken woman, she describes meeting Dr. Howard in chapter three, “Gifts”. What an awesome gift he truly was to her. She helped her to see how special and beautiful she really was. In the same chapter, she also describes meeting her husband and the birth of her first child.

The next chapter starts the story of her getting back into church and the events that happened there. She describes the politics, the betrayals, the blessings, the hopes, the friendships, the losses, the lies. I thank Yahweh that I have not been through the kinds of things that she has been through. I have had experienced spiritual abuse of different kinds. I have also experienced wounding in the church…but not like what she has described so far.

I am about one third of the way through the book.

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Pastor Time Again

October 30, 2008

Well, I met with the pastor again. It looks like we will be meeting weekly. I really appreciate this man. I gave him an article I had found on ritualistic abuse. It can be found here: Ritualistic Abuse. I also gave it to my t.

It is a very heavy article. It is my desire to be available to the survivors in our church. I know they must be there. This area is cult heavy. I also know that it is risky to reach out. I talked with him about his helping me to find some safe people in the church to share with to try and create a safe team to help survivors. He said he could do that.

It is also my desire to be able to share parts of my story. I want to share it in such a way that the non-survivor won’t pick up on anything, but the survivors will. I can use key wording that they will hear and know that someone who understands and shares their background is there. Hopefully, they will approach me and find support.

I am also hoping that he might share the article with some leaders so that they can pray about whether or not they are able to help. They need to really pray about it. This is no game. Last week, I spoke with my therapist about it, too. My insurance has run out and I am looking to change my relationship with him. It is my desire to move away from being client into more of a brother in God capacity…a co-healer/support person for survivors.

I want to be there to help survivors heal. If they want to meet with the pastor, meet with a therapist, get into church, I want to help them…to walk with them. I know that I will not do it perfectly, but I am willing to do what I can.

It is risky…but well worth the risk. Survivors need to be ministered to, too!

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Another Old Message and Therapy

August 21, 2008

Well, I am mixing two subjects here, although, perhaps they are actually related?

Last night, I thought of another old message:

I am not worth spending money on.
Others, and their needs, are more important than me and mine.
I cannot justify spending money on my needs/wants, especially if we have debts.
I should not expect others to go out of their way to help me.
I am not deserving of any more help than any one else. If anything, I am less deserving…or even not deserving at all.
I should not expect that anyone will inconvenience him/herself for me.

Well…that was obviously more than one. More came to mind as I was writing.

Again, thankfully, I am pretty much past these now. However, I definitely do struggle with some of these. Of course, struggling does not mean giving in. It just means that I have to push through to get to the point of doing what I need to do, in spite of what may be going through my head.
I know that, when my therapy appointments are not covered by insurance, I do tend to struggle with the idea of spending that much money on me. That is one reason why the two subjects can be connected.

My therapist has to keep having phone sessions in order to keep my appointments coming. I see him every week. Since I also do double sessions a lot, my allotment of “approved” appointments runs out a lot faster. That means he has to call more often. I feel badly about that. I know he would probably say that I should not feel badly. It just is what it is. However, I DO feel badly. It is hard not to. He is already being nice about working with me in relation to my copay…why should he have to do anything more?

It is just like his reading up on anything related to me. On the one hand, I want him to read SOMEthing. On the other hand, I feel I should not expect him to read ANYthing! We both knew, going into it, that he did not have experience in my areas. Yet, I don’t really have any other options. There is no one in this area who really does. In addition to that, he is a follower of Yeshua/Jesus…a real one…and that is important to me. I need someone who can relate to, and understand, that part of my life.

I also need someone who really cares. Hmmm…that is also where it gets a bit tricky. To me, if someone really cares, they will do at least something to try to understand more about his client. Yet, the fact that he is willing to see someone like me shows he cares. He could have said “no”. Someone else did. So, how does one “measure” caring? The lines seem to blur for me. His seeing me shows me he cares. His willingness to work out my copays with me shows me he cares.

He has stuck with me at times when I know he was scratching his head and wondering if I would ever be able to move forward. He has helped me a lot, actually, even if not always in the ways that I wanted. He really does try and he does not pretend to know things. He is honest about his “ignorance” of some things. I appreciate that. At least, I have some idea of what I am working with. I can’t say that about my previous therapist. But then, he was a horse of a different color and a subject for a different post.

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More on Anger

August 13, 2008

Well…it is t day today. I spoke to him on the phone this morning. I told him that I need him to push me. I have emotions under the surface. Like a wound that is infected that we need a doctor to lance, or cut into, to release all the gunk, I need him to lance through the protective layers I have covering my anger and emotions. I really need him to push on me.

I can get in touch with some of my anger, but not when I can really let it out and process it. I think to myself…OK, I’ll do it in t. I even kind of run it through my head…how I’ll do it. Then I get to t and the anger is miles away from me. I don’t want another t appointment talking about superficial stuff. That is not to say that t has not been helpful… or that it has all been superficial. Au contraire…it HAS been helpful…but I really need to get to this stuff.

I know that he is concerned about triggering me…but then…what better place to be in if I am triggered? It is a safe place to work through that…to let myself experience it…walk through it. This is especially true during double sessions when there is more time to recupe.

I think he is, perhaps, a bit nervous about treading into territory that is unfamiliar to him. He does not typically work with survivors like myself. I got triggered once before in his office. It was the first time I was ever able to just allow it to happen in front of someone. Typically, I would do everything in my power to try and hide it.

I need that freedom. I need him to not be concerned about it happening. I don’t need him to fix it. I just need him to learn about how to help me be grounded and walk through it. I don’t think it is all that complicated. Just be there. Don’t give pat answers. Talk to me…be with me. I don’t know. I just know that I believe we can do this. I really NEED for him to do this with me. I am determined to push through and not be held back. I will keep working on freedom.

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Therapist Struggles

April 24, 2008

I saw my therapist yesterday. He has tried hard to feel comfortable with my insiders talking to him. But he struggles with it. He also struggles to believe the SRA…and for understandable reasons. Some of it is that he hates the thought that it could have happened to someone he knows and loves or even just someone he cares about on some level. I can appreciate that. It is not easy for me to believe it about myself, either. Plus, he is a farm boy who has just never heard of, or been exposed to, this kind of stuff. It is hard to learn about such evil in the world.

The upshot is that he is going to call my CA therapist and talk to her. He is going to ask her if she struggled with that in the beginning, too, and find out what helped her. Then he is going to tell her to call me. I just don’t know if I can go in and squelch the switching. I don’t know if I want to even try. Actually, I am not sure how I feel about any of it right now.

I know that he really does care. I know that he wants to be supportive. But I find myself running with the old messages of “I need to change”. And “there is something wrong with me.” Instead of running with “we need to work this out.” And “we CAN work this out”. And “if he cannot accept me, that is HIS issue…not mine.” I really need to take out old messages and replace them with new ones.

I also need to remember that I have a spiritual enemy who just loves to whisper those old messages into my ear. Gosh, I had come so far in my healing journey. But now I find myself going over old ground again after getting slammed so hard by bad therapists. I am fighting to recoup from all that has gone on. *sigh*

But recoup I will! And am!

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