Archive for the ‘tired’ Category

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Maybe…It’s My Parents…(trying again)…

October 16, 2010

OK…so I decided to try calling my parents around the end of September. To recap, my mother had emailed me to tell me that she was dying of melanoma. I had responded immediately. She had said that she wished we could visit. I told her we don’t live close enough and we have no funds to go to her. I did, however, offer to call if she turned her caller ID off and gave me her current number. No response.

I finally decided to give the last number we had for her a try. When you look it up it says it is a cell phone, but apparently it is not. Cell phones don’t have extensions.

The call was not very long. I told her that I decided to try that number even though she had not gotten back to me. She apologized. She said that she had a whole long email written up but that she was nervous (or something) about sending it because she did not want to get angry. I did not ask her to clarify. (I am not stupid…or at least not totally.) I decided to let it go.

She asked if our son remembered that he was their little precious. I told her that I know he knows they love him, but she wanted to know about that specifically. I was trying to think if he did and she said it was OK if he didn’t. After all, he had been so young. I told her I did not know for sure.

The whole conversation felt pretty weird. It was also hard to get used to the sound of her voice. Apparently, the melanoma is in her throat. Sometimes she has no voice at all. I could tell it was her, but she sounded very different. I don’t know if that helped or made it harder.

There were moments of silence, especially when my father was on the phone. (She did ask if it was OK to put him on.) She cautiously asked questions about our location. I could tell she was trying not to stir anything up. I would say the conversation, if you could call it that…went “OK”. My father interrupted at one point because she was supposed to be leaving right away for an appointment. As she was hanging up, she said that my calling meant a lot to her…or something to that effect.

Then she said something about loving everyone in the family. Typically, she writes something (on the rare occasions that she actually does write) about loving my son. She might write something about loving the whole family, but it is typically all about my son. This time she said “everyone in the family”. I thought about how to respond. I almost let it go, but I didn’t. I allowed myself to be vulnerable.

I told her I was glad to hear her say that and that it was the closest I remembered her coming to actually saying she loved ME. She responded that she had told me that many times over the years. I told her it had been years since I had heard it. It was always about my son and I felt pushed aside. I don’t know whether she heard the catch in my voice, but she actually said “you’re right. And there is a reason for that. I want to explain it to you. I want you to know.” Or something VERY close to that. I was stunned.

I told her I would like to talk further and told her to email me and let me know when is a good time for me to call. I said that I loved them both and always had. I had said it more than once during the call, but I never really felt like I got an acknowledgment of that.

I did not hear from her. So, three days after the call, I emailed both of my parents. I told them I was glad we had the opportunity to talk a bit. I shared that it felt somewhat awkward,  but that it was to be expected. I told them I really do love them both, and always have, in spite of our disagreements. I also wrote that I cannot pretend that the disagreements never happened…nor can I deny what I know. However, I am willing to try to work around those things in an effort to reconnect on some level. I signed it love.

That was about two weeks ago. Nothing. Again…I try to be understanding. I mean…hey…she is battling cancer…again. She does not need upsets right now. On the other hand…she said this is no time to quibble. My guys were gone when I called. Does she figure it will be that way again? Does she not want to talk to me? I don’t know. I can think of questions to ask until the cows come home. The fact is I am not in her mind and I have no idea what either of them are thinking or feeling. I just know that I feel disconnected from them and have for many years. I do not remember a time of feeling close to my mother. Not sure I do with my father, either. So much of my childhood is shrouded in a fog of amnesia.

I am SO tired. I have been fighting to keep alert and going. It is difficult to focus. I have been interrupted so many times in writing this…but what else is new? I’ll be OK.

 

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What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

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I Was Trying…

March 8, 2010

I started another post and was trying to finish it…but I just can’t right now. I am weary…feeling overwhelmed. So what else is NOT new?

I know that this life is just a breath compared to eternity, but while I am living here still bound by time, it seems like eternity is already here. I know that things will change…I mean…why wouldn’t they? But I wonder how I will hold up.

I like to think that I am strong…and, I guess, in some ways I am. However, I also know that I am weak. I have the brain of someone who was abused as a child. My stress threshold is much lower than it should be…in spite of all the hard work I have done. And yet…in some ways…I am handling some things better than I would have many years ago. I guess that IS a sign of some healing.

If I really think about it…there is probably no way I could have lived in this situation years ago without going totally crazy. Now…I only go partway crazy. I guess that is progress.

Sometimes…it seems as if I am doing so much better. Then something happens that sets me off…that triggers me…and I feel as if I am right back where I used to be so long ago. Maybe the difference is how long I stay in the “crazies” when they hit? Or the way I use what I have learned to combat it…or to get through it?

The same…yet different.

No progress…yet progress.

Stuck…yet moving forward.

Going…yet standing my ground.

Shaking…yet calm.

Amnesic…yet with a sense of history.

“Orphaned”…yet a child of the Most High G-d.

Broken…yet healing.

Alone…yet never alone.

Forsaken…yet chosen.

Losing it…yet holding together.

I was reminded today of something that has really helped me. Someone I know wrote about it here.  In my current situation, being truly alone is a precious rarity. Oh, sometimes the guys are outside for quite awhile, but it isn’t quite the same. There is always the possibility of interruption. Still, although that does not help very much with my healing, per se, I could start taking advantage of it for quiet time…instead of using it for everything else I try to squeeze into it.

Today, I had a difficult time getting on line and staying on line…not that I had any technical difficulty…it was just that I had no desire to be on line…no words to write. I felt empty. It was like Yeshua was calling to me to come spend time with Him, to be refilled with Him…so I did…after a fashion. I spent some time reading the Word…something that also helps a lot…and just letting it soak into me. That really helped, although it does not take away the struggle completely.

Writing also helps. There are times when I just have to get out my feelings and thoughts. This blog is one way to do that. It really helps me to write…to reflect…to share.  Finding the words to get what is inside to the outside…it all helps. Having a certain amount of anonymity helps, too. There are a few who read who know my true identity, but very few. That helps me to share more easily.

Hopefully, soon, I will be able to get back to the other posts I want to write…the posts that are just sitting inside waiting to come out.  I feel as if this post is a bit disjointed, but right now it is the best that I can do. It has been a rough day and tomorrow is really busy. I know I will make it through because I always do. Somehow…my heavenly Abba keeps me together. He gives me what I need for each day…whether that day is rough or easy. He provides. He gets me through it.

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August 14, 2008

I am soooooooo tired.

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Feeling Tired and Preparing for Meeting the Ex

April 7, 2008

What a day! I am very tired and have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. It was a good day, though. I got some things done that I needed to do, including a good talk with my middle son…the one getting married…about his biofather.

I am feeling better able to prepare for being in the same room with him and his wife. I am going to look at what is the best and what is the worst that can happen. Then I am going to make “plans” accordingly. I hope to write more here soon…but I have been so swamped and, accordingly, overwhelmed. I hate feeling overwhelmed, but oh well.

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