Archive for the ‘what to believe’ Category

h1

Cruelty and Healthy Boundaries…

September 17, 2010

What my mother has done is cruel. I keep trying to empathize and to understand her pain. But not matter how much I empathize…no matter how much I forgive…it still hurts like hell. I am the unwanted daughter. I did not step up to the plate. I did not take over. I stepped out of line. I left. I have no desire to be a princess other than in the One True Creator God’s kingdom.

I will never live up to her expectations. Her expectations (and his) lead to death. I have chosen a different path. If they do not want me…they can forget my son. I was actually willing to let them talk to him on the phone, but if they don’t want me…forget it. That is not being selfish…it is being real. It is not being vindictive…it is setting boundaries…healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are not OK in the cult. My whole life I had no boundaries. I did not know where I ended and other people began. I was trained to be a chameleon…to anticipate others needs/wants. Those in the cult who knew the trigger words and actions could get anything they wanted. NO MORE!!

I was accessed by a “Christian” therapist after we moved here. He had experience with cult clients. Little did I know that he was not only cult himself…but that we had met many years ago. It ends here…and now! I will not kowtow to my parents. I will not kowtow to anyone but my Lord…and He does not ask me to. He lifts my head to look into His eyes so that I can see His healing love.

I hurt. I am angry. I do not deserve to be treated this way. Even IF I had been the worst daughter on the planet…rather than simply and imperfect one…I do not deserve this. I have reached out via email for a year and a half. It has gone nowhere. I tried. My conscience is clear. I have done what I can. It is their loss. They can blame me all they want…but they have a part in this. I am an adult. I will not submit to them or to their control. I will not go back to the way things were.

So I will continue to mourn what was and I will mourn what never was. I will mourn the dream of having a somewhat regular family. I will keep my heart open until there is nothing left…and at that point…I will mourn for what will never be. I have dreams. I have always had dreams. Many of them are just broken dreams…turning to dust beneath my feet. Oh, well.

I have survived. I will survive. Nay…I will thrive! In spite of how hard my life is right now…I have more freedom than I ever did living under their control. The Creator has given me the gift of who I am…all of me. I am His…and no one else’s…no one’s.

I hope we can make peace before she dies…same with him. But if it does not happen…I refuse to beat myself up with guilt that is not mine.

h1

Choices in Each New Day

January 9, 2009

I am sitting here to write, not sure what I really want to say. Every day is new…every day is different. Yet, there is a thread that runs through them all. I have choices to make…choices for good things…choices for bad things. It is up to me.

Now, on the surface, that would seem like a no brainer. Duh! Make choices for good things! Doesn’t everyone want good things? Well…maybe. The thing is…how do we know what is really good? There are a lot of things out there that sure look pretty good! The question is…are they really good?

I am in the process of writing a response to a friend. She had written, sharing about some of the horrible things she has been subjected to. As I look at it, I can see that ones who did those things to her thought that it was good…for them! But what about her? What about others? What about those times when something we want…something we think is good for us…is bad for someone else?

That is part of the problem with each person deciding for him or herself what is good…what is right…what is true. Truth cannot be relative. Right and wrong cannot be relative. Something is either true…or it is not. It is either right…or it is not. It is either wrong…or it is not.

I love it when someone tells me that we each have to decide what is right…what is acceptable…what is moral. Well, what if I decide to take a gun out and shoot you? What if I have decided that in my value system…in my arena of what is right and wrong…that it is right (better yet…that it is actually GOOD) if I get rid of you? Hmmm…all of a sudden my having the freedom to decide for myself what is true and what is right is no longer quite so appealing…is it?

Someone has to have the ability to definitively define truth…to define right and wrong. Who should it be? Well, to me THAT is the no brainer! It should be the One who made the whole universe and everything in it. Duh! Only the One who made it all…who made US all…really has that right!

I know…some will say there is no Creator. Well, I won’t argue that one. Anyone who is really seeking the truth on that will see that it is obvious that there is a Creator. There are too many things that have irreducible complexity for us to have evolved.In fact, when they measure probabilities, the number given for the probability of our evolving is so high that it is accepted as being impossible. There is so much evidence for complexity out there that I am not going to argue it here. Any one with open eyes and no agenda can see it.

Of course, there are those who refuse to accept that…or to at least admit that. Why? Because they want to be a god unto themselves. They do not want to answer to anyone but themselves. A Creator? No way!

I have to ask Yahweh for wisdom to make the right choices. My first line of wisdom comes from studying His book to me…the Bible. My second line of wisdom comes from asking Him for wisdom.

Right now…I am very tired. So, I am going to sign off here for the night and, wisely, make the choice to get some rest!

%d bloggers like this: