Archive for the ‘YHWH’ Category

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Being a Warrior and a Survivor…

November 29, 2012

I am a fighter…and I recognize that it is my Creator who gave me that ability to fight.

I am a survivor…and it is my Creator who brought me through all the hell to get to the wonderful place I am today.

I am filled with the Shalom of my Messiah Yeshua and it is His Ruach/Spirit that has helped me all along my healing journey.

I am a warrior, too. So, what is the difference between a fighter and a warrior? I think there is a lot. I started out as a fighter, fighting my way through what was going on in order to survive. I fought to be “sane” (whatever that means). I fought to make it through the day. I fought to stay alive. I fought to hide my true self from everyone around me. I fought to look “normal” so no one would know the truth. I fought and I fought and I fought, but it was a fighting that was based more upon instinctively swinging my “arms” to fend off an enemy.

Over time, though, I became a warrior. I went on the offensive. And that is when things really started to change. That is when the evil I was fighting really started to show itself for what it was…dark and malevolent. It was not that I did not see that before. It was not that I was not doing some warrior fighting before. But there came a time in my life when I had no choice but to come out swinging on the offensive. I had to for the safety of my youngest.

My battle to survive and just make it through life slowly transformed into a battle of fighting back until the fighting back became the main thing. After years of feeling as if I were struggling just to keep my head above water so I could breath, I slipped into years of taking ground. I started to fight for real healing.

There are some who decry the term “survivor”, as if that is somehow less than or as if it somehow holds us back. We must never use that term, but must instead call ourselves “thrivers”…or some other term to define who we are.

But I AM a survivor! I have survived horrendous things and made it out the end! I am PROUD of that. Being a survivor means they did not win! A cancer survivor is one who has conquered cancer. No one would ever think of telling him or her not to use that term! So, why is it not OK for us who have survived extreme abuse?

I am a survivor! I am alive! I am “sane”…well, I guess that may depend upon your definition of “sane”. I am smiling as I write that. I am HERE! I did not die. I did not end up in a mental ward. I did not end up in jail. I did not end up dead. I have a good marriage. I made it out of all the abuse. Yes, it took years to do. Yes, I am still partially amnesic. Yes, I have a lot of healing left to do. But I am ALIVE! I no longer answer to my abusers. Hallelu Yah!

I am both a survivor AND a thriver. You see, I don’t see it as an either/or kind of thing. I am both! And I am grateful. I can see the beauty in life and share it with others. Here is some of that beauty now.

 

 

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When Sadness Comes…

November 14, 2011

It is always amazing to me that I will be doing seemingly well…and then the sadness hits. I’m not sure of the cause, although I can certainly think of things that could cause it.

Life is neither good or bad…it just is. Good things happen. Bad things happen…and a whole lot in between. What makes the biggest difference in my life is how I choose to respond to it.

Will I allow the attacks of my spiritual enemy to bring me down? Or will I recognize the temporariness of the attacks and the inevitable end of my adversary?

Will I allow the bad behavior of others to overtake me? Or, will I rise above it…recognizing that the other person is a wounded soul…like me?

Will I allow the losses of people I care about overwhelm me with grief? Or will I recognize that they had every opportunity to choose YHWH? Will I walk in the hope of seeing them again?

Will I allow the suffering that the human race brings upon itself through its disobedience to YHWH’s ways cause me to despair? Or, will I look forward to that time when all suffering (and rebellion) will be gone?

As I sit in my feelings of sadness, pondering life, my heart turns toward my Abba. His love is a comfort to me…His heart touches mine in ways like no one else’s does. It is especially in times of sadness that I am more aware of YHWH’s arms around me…more aware of my future destiny with Him. This world is not my home.

One of the results of my life experiences is that I often don’t feel comfortable socially. I don’t really feel as if I fit in much of anywhere…and, yes, sad to say…that even includes gatherings or groups of “Christians”. But I know there is more to it than that. It is also part of knowing that this is not really my home. This world is very fallen and I just don’t belong here. It is my calling and my purpose to remain here for a while longer…yes. But ultimately…I am going to be with Yeshua forever.

That is my real home. That is where I will feel the most comfortable and where I will most fit in. That is where I will be completely healed and will no longer struggle.

I look forward to it.

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