Posts Tagged ‘Abba/Father’

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Grieving the Finality of What Will Never Be…

March 9, 2012

I found out yesterday that my mother passed away on December 24, 2010. Yep…that is 1 year, 2 months and 14 days, plus or minus. And he is already remarried…I have NO idea for how long.

We permitted our son to call my mother…it’s a long story. When he asked about his grandmother, my father told him that she had died two years ago on a date my son did not remember. I got the actual date by calling the coroner’s office. They were able to confirm the date of her death and the cause…melanoma. I was told that she had been in hospice care, which was why her death was reported to them. It is a law in that state to report all deaths of people in hospice care.

Over the years I have grieved for what was and grieved for what wasn’t. And now, I need to grieve for what for sure will never be. There will never be reconciliation. Never be recognition. Never be an apology or forgiveness extended. Never be so many things.

I have a lot to think about…and a lot to feel. It can be difficult not to second-guess myself, but there are things I need to face in order to settle things in my own mind and heart. I was told she was dying, but not that she was in hospice care or that it was imminent. My father just kept playing games and, I believe, actually kept us apart…especially given what she said in the one time I did talk to her…a call that was interrupted by my father.

Things are a bit complicated and I am having to sort them all out. I need to own whatever is mine and refuse to take on whatever is not. I will not try to pick up another’s guilt. It is simply not mine to carry. Nor is it for me to run from my responsibilities. I went into this with eyes wide open. I knew the risks. I took the chance. Now it is over. Now I will process from a different place…on the other side of her death.

It is sad when someone lies so much that even when they tell the truth it is not the whole story and you don’t really know what you can believe. There are so many what ifs that I could run through. And taking a look is not a bad idea…but living there is. I must face what I must face and trust my heavenly Abba to walk me through to the other side. He has never let me down.

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Facing Life…

February 10, 2012

Even though we are facing some tough things as a family…life is good. The Creator of the universe continues to provide for us and to show Himself to us in amazing ways. The clutter in our home makes it difficult to concentrate…yet I am learning to just adjust to what I can and cannot do. I am actually doing well in all of this.

The potential separation we are facing as a family is very hard to look at. Oftentimes, when I think of it…I cry. Then I put on my brave face…determined to face the world standing tall. I have been through SO much in my life…what is this? It is just a temporary thing that will actually give me more time to write! (I am really working hard on looking at the UP side of this.)

The reality is that…if this goes through…we will miss one another immensely. It will be very hard. However, I am determined to make the most of it…both in my writing and in my healing. I hope to accomplish a lot and so does he.

It is after midnight, but I just wanted to pop in and put some kind of update here. Between baking and spending time with my love I am not on FB much nor am I here. But that is OK. I am spending time with my Creator and with my family. All things come in seasons and this is my season right now.

I hope you are all doing well. I pray that my heavenly Abba/Father/Dad will touch you in ever way in which you need to be touched. Be back soon!

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