Posts Tagged ‘anniversaries’

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How Do I Feel, a Webinar and Random Thoughts

April 13, 2010

That is the question that has haunted me most of my life. How do I feel? Most of the time I was clueless as to how I really felt. Taught all of my life to deny my feelings, I had no idea how to even really identify them…unless, of course, they were felt intensely. Anything that was not felt intensely, forget it. I had no idea what I was feeling. And intense feelings were verboten. Stuff. Hide. Deny. But do NOT feel…and, if you do…NEVER show it!

It took me a long time to get to the point of beginning to recognize feelings. One thing that helped me was locating lists of feeling words on the internet. As I looked over the lists, I found that I started to relate to them. Little by little, I started to connect what I was “feeling” to the words. I have used those word lists to do art projects to help get my feelings out of the deep well inside and up to my conscious mind.

I need to locate those lists on the internet again for a webinar I will be doing in August. As a non-artist, I will be showing how I used art in my healing and word lists are a part of that. I want to give the people who come to the webinar all the resources I can to help them.

So…how do I feel…right now? I am not sure. Ha! How is that for a typical answer? At the moment, I think I have reached a place of basic contentment. I am OK with my world. How long that will last…who knows? I am ready for my class today, so I guess that qualifies as “confident”? “Prepared”? Is “prepared” a feeling? I think maybe it is. I feel “ready”!

I am getting my hair cut today, so I feel “anticipation”. And, maybe, a bit “nervous”. I don’t have much hair and it is difficult to do much of anything with it. I am trying something a little bit different.

How have I been feeling lately? Well…I have been busy…trying to get some things done.  And that has left me feeling a bit “frustrated” at times. My CPU is not fast enough (big enough?) for the programs I need to run. Having to run only one or two programs at a time for this multi-tasking woman is frustrating. However, I am grateful to have my laptop and to be able to run them at all!

My living situation causes me to be frustrated at times…well…sometimes it is frustration, but mostly I think it is more like “resignation”. I have to remember (and accept) that there are things I simply cannot do in this environment. Looking ahead, hopefully our situation will change over the summer. That will be great…if it happens.

If it happens, it will make it easier for me to get photos of the artwork I will need to share in the webinar. If it does not, I may be scrambling to do it elsewhere. Timing can be everything. I hope we are not moving during webinar time. Yikes! So, I stay in today. While the future is floating around in my mind somewhere, I do not focus on it. I pay it just enough attention so that I will be prepared and ready when the times comes to do the webinar, but not enough attention that I begin to fret over things that are beyond my control. And, if I need to, I can put the webinar off.

I am actually doing pretty well for this time of year. As my birthday approaches, I am sure it will start to hit more. My birthday is the anniversary of my sister’s death…a death that may have been a warning to me. And, sometimes, I wonder if she is even really dead. It did not look like her and my father would not allow me to be alone with her. I know they can stage those things. Did they? Do they have her hidden somewhere? I hate to even think of it. So, I pray for her…just in case.

Anyway, these are random thoughts, some attempted expressions of feelings, a bit of an update. What I feel can change on a moment’s notice. So, I am going to post this before what I feel changes…again.

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Anniversaries and Bad Therapists

March 19, 2008

This is a cruddy time of year. The time between my sister’s birthday and the anniversary of her death…on my birthday…is hard. Add to that…bad therapists.

It was during this time last year that I was in between therapists. I had stopped going to one because things just did not feel right. I could not figure out what was wrong. For some reason part of me felt afraid when I would think of him, but I did not know why. So, this was the time when I was trying to uncover why the fear was there. And the anniversary of my discovery is coming up.

It was about the second week in April when I got my answer. My cult programming had been accessed and I had been betrayed and violated. Because of how it was done, I totally dissociated the whole thing. But it was in April that I started to get it back. I did several pieces of artwork in the process of working through it. Here is one of them. I wish I could get better pictures of my artwork.

Sadly, that was not the only betrayal I had to work through. I was also working with a t long distance via the phone and internet. I had met him in person and knew some of his clients. He was “helping” me to get to the bottom of this whole thing and ended being an arrogant guy who disrespected me and caused me a lot chaos and grief.

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