Posts Tagged ‘betrayal’

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What can I say?

May 2, 2013

I have so many emotions that run through me. I am angry at what my son, flesh of my flesh, has done…all the people hurt…lives turned upside down.  I want to write here, but I lose my words. I start to put down some semblance of thoughts, but then I just stare at it and wonder why I should even bother to try to write or post what I have written.

My heart is breaking and some days I find myself fighting tears most of the day. I keep doing life, but it is not the same. My only real comfort is my Creator. I know who I am in Him. I know His unconditional love. Someday, all evil will be gone. And I wonder…who will really be left standing in the end?  Who will have chosen good, forsaking evil and turning to the Creator?

I am fighting to move back to some semblance of “normal”…at least my “normal”. I get triggered more easily now. I gotta go finish my Shabbat bread, but I am going to go ahead and post this. If it makes no sense to anyone, oh well. If it does make sense, I hope I hear from someone. Please give me a reason to not keep all my thoughts in my private journal. Please give me a reason to write here. Anyone?

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It Would Be Nice If…

May 19, 2012

It would be nice if we were in the world to come and tears would no longer be flowing…or at least not tears of sorrow. I don’t mind tears of joy, but I am tired of tears for seemingly no reason…or tears of grief. My heart is so heavy and I am not completely sure why.

It could be the inhumanity to humankind that I see people perpetrating against one another.

It could be the hateful words I see being thrown around.

It could be the news of my mother followed by a sense of betrayal and being used by someone with whom I thought I was building a friendship.

It could be a bunch of things. I just know that I am deeply grieving and hurting.

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Did I Mention?

June 29, 2009

Did I mention in my last post that I am swamped???? Sheesh! It is all good stuff…but it feels so overwhelming. Of course, one of the reasons I am feeling overwhelmed is because it is very difficult to do much of anything in my current living situation.

Then again, what is adding to my being swamped is that I am working on a special project that will totally change my living situation! *big smiles* It is a chicken and the egg kind of thing. The project would be a lot easier to work on if my situation was different. But if my situation was different, I would not need to do the project. *sigh*

Nevertheless, I am doing well. I am saddened about some things I have read recently…things that have to do with a therapist who is unscrupulous. It is validating to read what others are starting to share about what they saw going on…even if they don’t mention me. Just to read that others saw wrong behaviours and unethical conduct. Phew! That is VALIDATING!!

Someday, I really hope the person who lied behind my back and impersonated me will do the right thing and step forward to clear my name. But I am not holding my breath. I know that person is, herself, a very sick individual. A lot of cult survivors are…particularly if they are still being accessed. They can have insiders doing things they are unaware of.

Hmmm…very interesting. That is the very argument that was used against me. Thing is…I was not losing time, while this person openly admitted to losing time. The other thing is that I look at her with sympathy and caring. Whilst she and the others just attacked me. I try to understand. She (and others) just tried to destroy my reputation and friendships. What is even worse, she did things that almost literally destroyed some of my friends…things that I was blamed for.

Thankfully, most of them know now that it was not me.  Still…it would be really nice to have my name cleared…especially  in light of the fact that there are still some who think I am the guilty party.

In spite of all that, I still refuse to hate. I still refuse to get down about it. Sad sometimes…yeah…but down and depressed…no. Those who still believe I did it…well, they have the right to choose to continue to believe that. I have searched high and low and so did my therapist at the time. We saw no indicators and neither did my husband. No phone calls on the phone bill…and calls overseas would have really jacked up my phone bill back then. No IM records…even though I had all my IM’s recorded. No emails.

Yeah…I do still think about it every once in a while…especially when something is written and pointed out to me that deals with the whole subject or the people involved. *smile* Mostly, though, I have moved on with my life. Something that, sadly, not everyone involved has really been able to do. See, I had my reputation and friendships hurt…but I, myself, was not hurt. Some of the, on the other hand, were truly harmed. That saddens me every time I think of it…and I do sometimes think of it. These were my friends. I don’t just forget my friends…even if there is a separation between us now.

Well…did I mention that I am swamped???? Still, I am glad that I took this few minutes to write something here. It is kind of like waving at all my friends out there who do come by to read this. I wish you all well.

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Tara #4

February 4, 2009

The fourth episode of United States of Tara did not have her switching. We saw no sign of her alters until the very end…and that was interspersed with a scene of Tara and her sister, so it appeared to be more of just showing something about Alice rather than a current switch.

There was an incident that appears to have been done by an alter. I say “appears” because I am not convinced that it necessarily is an alter of Tara’s. Supposedly, “she” did it because she is the only one with a key. Yeah, right. How many times has someone been accused because they were the only ones with a key and then, when the real culprit comes to light, it’s “Oh yeah, I forget that he/she also had a key”?

It could have been done by a former lover (or even a current one who’s angry for some reason). It could have been done by someone who knew Tara would be blamed and took advantage of that…someone who could have even “borrowed” her key? Hey, this is TV, after all. This is not a documentary, which I hope people keep in mind. Although the show is about something real…Dissociative Identity Disorder…the story line is fictional.

I so feel for her in thinking that she has finally found a friend, only to have that friend insist on meeting one of her alters. How disrespectful. She shared her heart with this woman…only to have her do this to her…and in front of her sister, no less. This woman and her sister end up talking about her as if she is not even there. Invisibility. That is painful. Betrayal…that, too, is painful.

I felt rather emotional at the end of this episode. At first, I could not figure it out, but now I think I know what is going on. Tara’s life is radically different from mine on just about every level. However, there are some things I relate to her on. The incidents are different. The people are different. Yet, the pain is the same. I relate to the struggle…to the confusion.

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