Posts Tagged ‘Creator’

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Seeing Deceptions

September 15, 2016

Seeing so much deception in the world can be very disheartening. Yet, there is an upside to it, too. Yep, an upside. It makes me more grateful than ever that I can see as clearly as I can. Am I saying I cannot be deceived? No. But I am saying that I know the One who is never deceived and He gives me insight as to what is really going on in the world.

I am grateful for the Creator’s Word…both the written and the Living. I am grateful for His Spirit that lives inside me, leading me and guiding me even when I am not aware of it and helping me to understand His written word…the bible. I am grateful for His Messiah who took care of the problem of darkness within me…my own evil and propensity to do wrong things.

There are those who have wronged me in the past. I have forgiven them. There are those who, I believe, are wronging me in the present. I forgive them. Does that mean I am unaffected? No. But the effects are lessened by the understanding the Spirit gives me.

When I look at the world through the eyes of my Creator, I see a lost world. The greatest darkness and deception are not from those in the world toward the rest of us. No, it is a deception that the deceivers themselves are caught up in. And that causes me to pity them.

Those attempting (and being very successful with many) to deceive us are themselves deceived. They do not see the Truth about the bigger plan our Creator has for this world. They think they are gaining power and have wealth to make them better than the rest of us, but they only have and do what they are allowed by our Creator to have and do.

Our Creator has a bigger plan of redemption for this world. He will make it brand new. But before that time, there will continue to be a battle between Light and dark, between Good and evil, between our spiritual adversary and us. But I know who wins. In the end, it is US through the Spirit of our Creator. Messiah has ALREADY won the battle over death and sin, but we need to walk that out in our lives.

I truly wish I did a much better job of that, but I am entrusting my spiritual well-being to my Creator. He knows my frame and that I am merely dust. Yet, He takes that dust and raises up out of it human beings made in His image. He makes beauty and love and all good things possible.

I cannot choose what happens to me in life, but I CAN choose my response to it. And I choose to worship my Creator and to walk in His ways as best I can out of love and gratitude and respect for Who He is.

So, when I see all the deceptions and I am tempted to be frustrated…or worse, afraid…I look to Him. I am comforted by the prophecies where He has spelled out for us what has happened, is happening now and will happen. I do not need to fear the future. He holds that in His capable hands. I need not fear the now, for He is working something good out of it.

I see the Light shining in the midst of the darkness. I see Messiah Yeshua (Jesus) coming. I also see a time of great trouble on the horizon before He comes back. But I know I am OK in the here and now. And I will be OK in the midst of the coming troubles because He will be here with me. Yeshua promised to never leave or forsake us and He is not a liar.

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It’s All About Trust…

January 14, 2013

Trusting that the Creator has a plan and that it is for our ultimate good.

Trusting that there is something better for us than this life.

Trusting that the Messiah’s love will continue to carry me through every storm of life.

Trusting that the Creator’s teachings are true and good…no matter how hard they may be or how my “self” chafes against them.

Trusting that He is G-d and I am not.

Trusting that my understanding is not infinite…that I am NOT all-knowing.

Trusting that I do not have to understand everything.

Trusting that my human sense of righteousness is not necessarily my Creator’s…mine is imperfect, while His is perfect.

Trusting that, like a child, I can trust my heavenly Abba/Father/Daddy…even when I do not understand.

Trusting that my Creator’s provision truly is enough for me.

Trusting that, when my Abba says “no”, it is for good reasons…even though I may not see those reasons now.

As I look at the list above, I see that trust is really tied a lot into understanding…or lack of understanding. There have been many times in my life when I thought and lived as a child. I wanted to understand like G-d (my Abba/Daddy) and I wanted to understand NOW. Just like the impetuous child who does not want to obey unless she fully understands (and agrees with) the why of the parent, I wanted to act and live on my own understanding and beliefs about how I thought life should be lived.

It took time, but I eventually outgrew my childishness…mostly. I still have my days, but they are much fewer and farther between…thankfully. Now I am better able to trust when I am walking through the mist…when I cannot see tomorrow. I am no longer afraid when things seem dark and I cannot see my way.

I am better able to remain calm and serene in the face of what appears to be “impending doom” because I have learned that things are not what they seem to be with the human eye and heart. I know that Abba has a bigger plan and that the ‘powers that be’ are going to crumble. I know things are going to get tougher in the world and in our country, but I am not afraid, for I know He walks with me.

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Cruelty and Healthy Boundaries…

September 17, 2010

What my mother has done is cruel. I keep trying to empathize and to understand her pain. But not matter how much I empathize…no matter how much I forgive…it still hurts like hell. I am the unwanted daughter. I did not step up to the plate. I did not take over. I stepped out of line. I left. I have no desire to be a princess other than in the One True Creator God’s kingdom.

I will never live up to her expectations. Her expectations (and his) lead to death. I have chosen a different path. If they do not want me…they can forget my son. I was actually willing to let them talk to him on the phone, but if they don’t want me…forget it. That is not being selfish…it is being real. It is not being vindictive…it is setting boundaries…healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are not OK in the cult. My whole life I had no boundaries. I did not know where I ended and other people began. I was trained to be a chameleon…to anticipate others needs/wants. Those in the cult who knew the trigger words and actions could get anything they wanted. NO MORE!!

I was accessed by a “Christian” therapist after we moved here. He had experience with cult clients. Little did I know that he was not only cult himself…but that we had met many years ago. It ends here…and now! I will not kowtow to my parents. I will not kowtow to anyone but my Lord…and He does not ask me to. He lifts my head to look into His eyes so that I can see His healing love.

I hurt. I am angry. I do not deserve to be treated this way. Even IF I had been the worst daughter on the planet…rather than simply and imperfect one…I do not deserve this. I have reached out via email for a year and a half. It has gone nowhere. I tried. My conscience is clear. I have done what I can. It is their loss. They can blame me all they want…but they have a part in this. I am an adult. I will not submit to them or to their control. I will not go back to the way things were.

So I will continue to mourn what was and I will mourn what never was. I will mourn the dream of having a somewhat regular family. I will keep my heart open until there is nothing left…and at that point…I will mourn for what will never be. I have dreams. I have always had dreams. Many of them are just broken dreams…turning to dust beneath my feet. Oh, well.

I have survived. I will survive. Nay…I will thrive! In spite of how hard my life is right now…I have more freedom than I ever did living under their control. The Creator has given me the gift of who I am…all of me. I am His…and no one else’s…no one’s.

I hope we can make peace before she dies…same with him. But if it does not happen…I refuse to beat myself up with guilt that is not mine.

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Each Day Moving Forward…

September 15, 2010

I don’t know how much time we have left in this world. I watch it getting worse and worse…and then I wonder…how serious are my problems…really. I do my best when I walk in the truth that this is NOT my real Home. My real Home comes after this world passes away. This is merely a shadow of what is to come…and for some of us…it is a very dark shadow.

Yet…the Creator has come to bring light into this darkness. He has come to bring love and healing…and a challenge. Recognizing who He is and choosing to follow Him comes with a price. There are those who reject Him and there are some who will reject me, also. Some will reject me because I am a broken imperfect person, but there are some who will reject me because I follow Him…because I will not compromise truth.

Personally…I don’t really think that most people are really rejecting Him. I think they are rejecting the caricature and false image of Him that has been taught in so many places and groups. It really makes me sad when I see how He is portrayed as something/someone He is not. So many people miss out on the blessing of really knowing Him because they have never been introduced to the REAL Him!

Another thing that makes a real difference in my life is when I sit with the One who made me…the One who knows me best…the One who became man and gave of Himself for me. That is one of the challenges of my living situation. I have not had any regular time alone to just sit with Him. But then I have to ask myself…how much do I really love Him? When we really love someone…don’t we make time to be with that person?

As I sit here I recognize that I really do not do all I can to spend time with Him…listening for His voice…reading and learning of Him…focusing my heart upon Him…drawing closer to Him. There are things in my life that make it harder to do all of that…things I can do nothing about. I can’t do much about my brain being in a fog…or about feeling a bit dizzy at times. I can’t do much about being unable to focus…about my mind swirling around. However, do I make the best use of the little snippets of time I have alone? He is my Creator. He loves me so much and has been here for me in so many ways. Do I really appreciate that? Do I show that appreciation?

It has been so long since I have lived in a situation that allowed me to spend regular time with Him and in His written words to me. Yet…I do talk to Him a lot. In fact, I am talking to Him even as I write these words. And He does speak to my heart. As I sit here thinking that I am failing to really do all I can to draw close to Him, He just puts His arms around my heart and reassures me that it is not about performance. It is about loving Him…and I do love Him…so much more than I can ever express.

I cannot show my love for Him in the same ways that others can, but why should I? I am not them! I am His unique creation…made in His image and filled with His Spirit. So I show my love for Him in ways that are uniquely gifted to me. Sometimes…loving Him can simply mean that I honor Him by not giving up. I keep fighting. I keep trying to do the right thing…even when I fall upon my face time after time. I aim at taking good care of this body that He has given me.

Hm…I just took a break to fold some clothes before I wrap up this post. I am listening to some beautiful music being played on PBN. Suddenly, I realized something. Sometimes the music in our lives is loud and we are dancing and singing to it. Other times it is a steady stream in the background. We are not focused on it, but it is there nonetheless.

It is the same in my life with the Creator. Sometimes I am focused directly and intently upon Him. He and I are dancing and singing and openly communicating. But oftentimes, He is the spiritual background music of my life…the love that is always there…the presence that is always with me…even when I am not really focusing directly on Him.

I want to have Him more up front in my life. Yet I am also grateful that He is faithful to never leave me or abandon me…even when He is not the upfront focus…even when flashbacks seem more real…even when my brain is too foggy to focus on anything…even when I cannot read His word…even when confusion seems to be reigning.

He is good. He is love. He is my true Abba…and my L-rd. His Spirit lives with me. Because of Him…I can live each day moving forward…even when it does not feel as if I am moving forward.

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Blogrolls…

May 5, 2010

No…not dinner rolls…or the boat rolls…or waves roll…or any other kind of roll. Blog rolls. Every once in a while, I find that I am on someone’s blog roll. It never ceases to surprise me and amaze me. Each time, I think “what on earth do they find in my writings that make them worthy of being put on someone’s blog roll?”

Or I look at my subscriber list. Now…it does not show me who is subscribing. It is just a number. But that number represents real people who think my blog…or a particular post…is worth reading. Again…whenever I happen to look at that part of my stats…I am amazed. Moi? People think moi has something useful to say? Why? It makes me stop and think about why I write.

When I first started blogging, I was sick of the forum scene…not that all forums are bad…they are NOT! In fact, I have experienced some incredible healing in forums. Yet I have also experienced some of the deepest wounding. Plus, forums are limited in their readership. I wanted to be able to share with more people…and, hopefully, get more input. So, I decided to start blogging!

It was my hope…and still is…that when people read here, they find someone who understands…who “gets it”. Someone whose life experiences might not be identical (is anyone’s ever really anyway?)…but someone whose experiences emotionally, and maybe even mentally, are similar.

I hope that you can see someone who keeps on fighting…who keeps on pushing through…even when she wants to give up (like now…but that is another post). I hope that, as I share what works for me…and what does not…it might help you find something that works for you. Or maybe it will help you to not feel so badly if it is not working for you. After all…if it did not work for me either…then just maybe…it is not us. Maybe it is the whatever it is that we were trying that did not work. Or maybe…we just need to work it in a different way and we can help each other to find that way.

I hope that we can learn together. When people comment and share their thoughts, it stimulates dialog. I learn from dialog. I learn from others…which is why I read others’ blogs, too…when I can get to them. My life often makes that difficult, but I do make the rounds when I can. And I always try to find something to comment about in others’ blogs. I do that for two reasons. One is to let them know that they are being read. The other is to affirm them…to encourage them. I know what it is like to write and wonder if anyone is reading…if anyone is “listening”. I know what it is like to share struggles and get…nothing.

So…here I am…amazed again. I just discovered my blog in a blogroll at Crazy-making. I almost have to laugh. The name can sure fit my life at times! Crazy-making. I am working on making it less crazy-making. *smile* I am honored to be included. This blogger is trying to make lists of client bloggers (as opposed to therapist bloggers) and also art bloggers. Very interesting!

It reminds me that I have been wanting to get some of my art work up here…even though I am really not an artist. The focus of my art work is therapy. Believe me…artistry is NOT my talent. My difficulty in getting them up, though, is getting some decent photos of them. I took some  a while back…but I only got some pieces and the quality of the photos is rather poor. I have a much better camera now. It has been a project on my to do list for some time to go some place where I know I can probably get better pics of them. Better lighting. More room.  I need to get that done in plenty of time for me to put something together for an upcoming webinar I am doing on art therapy from a non-artist’s perspective.

Well…that’s it for now. I have lots to do today so I am not sure when I will get back here. It may not be until tomorrow. I hope that everyone reading is doing well. If you are struggling…remember that you are NOT alone! There ARE those who do understand…who do get it…and who do care. Be good to yourself. Also remember that there is a Creator out there who does want to touch your life…who wants to set you free.

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No Pretending…No Hiding…

April 27, 2010

I am not going to pretend that I am not struggling…because I am. I spent a HUGE part of my life pretending.

Pretending I was not effected.

Pretending I was not hurt.

Pretending I was not confused.

Pretending I was not angry.

Pretending I was happy.

Pretending I wanted to live.

Pretending I was OK.

Pretending I did not think I was losing my mind.

Some might call it “hiding”.

Hiding my true feelings.

Hiding what I was going through.

Hiding my hurt and pain.

Hiding my anguish.

Hiding my humiliation.

Hiding my fear and lack of confidence.

Pretending…or hiding. Does it really matter what you call it? I just refuse to play the game any more. However…having said that…I am also not going to check my brain at the door. I am smart. A stupid person would not have survived all of this. While I refuse to play the game…I also refuse to expose myself unnecessarily. Some risks are worth taking…and some are not.

Right now…I need help. I cannot get it in the standard survivor places. For whatever reason, the Ship keeps timing me out. Sometimes I can get on just fine…and stay on. Most of the time, however, I cannot get on or I get kicked off fairly soon after getting on. That makes it impossible for me to use the Ship much for getting or giving support.

I have no therapist. I don’t really have any 3D people who support me fully. I have some who care and who support as they can…but they don’t know the “whole” story…and so are only partially useful.

When I think of 3D support…there is a couple who have started coming to mind…a pastor and his wife. It is interesting because, when I first met them, I had a “feeling” I should talk to them. However, at the time, nothing fell into place for that. There was an uncomfortableness…something was in the way. Since then, I have gotten to know them in a different venue. Over time, we have really connected…something that really took off when I listened to the L-rd and went and prayed for them and talked with them after they had gone through something.

Now…as I am getting desperate for some kind of 3D support, they keep coming to mind. Is G-d telling me that I can trust them? That I can be more open with them and they will at least accept it…even if they don’t understand it? I don’t know. I am not rushing into anything. I am going to keep on praying about it.

My pastor knows my Dx, but there are reasons that he and I just will not work out. Plus…with this guy…I am well connected to his wife. That is even better. There is also another pastor who knows my background, but not my Dx. He is really nice…and very caring…but I am just not prepared at this point to open up further with him, either.

So…what will I do with this? I really don’t know…other than keep praying about it. Desperation always passes eventually…but it is awful while in the midst of it. I just know that I need help…I need support…and they keep coming to mind. It would be so nice to have at least one couple that I could be more open with.

There was another couple that I felt pretty comfortable with. Thing is…he has a rather strong personality. I saw him get miffed about something and he scared me. No…he is not scary and he did nothing wrong. Every person has a right to get angry. But something happened inside that I now have to work through. That makes me kind of sad. He is a really neat guy and was OK for quick hugging…in front of his wife, of course. I really like her and connect with her, but their schedule makes it difficult to get together with them. And if we don’t get together…it is kind of difficult to work through the issue of his becoming scary to me.

So no…I am not doing the greatest. I have been worse, but I have also been a lot better. I won’t pretend that I am not having some rough days. I will keep looking to my Creator. He is the only One who can get me through this. Yeshua will never leave me or forsake me. The Ruach makes me strong.

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One Simple Message

October 20, 2009

Never give up hope! I don’t who out there needs to read this…but here it is. Yahweh put this message on my heart to share.

NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!!!

Never! Never! Never!

There is always hope. The Creator DOES see. Does care. Does love. Will take us beyond this temporary pain-filled world that we live in.

Never give up hope! I know it gets really hard. I know it can seem as if you are living in hell. You are still alive for a reason. There is a purpose to your life. You are NOT a nobody. You are somebody! Hold on. Even if you think no one in this world cares…well…I care!

I know…we may have never met…in person or online. I may not know your name. But you are made in the Creator’s image and I care about you because of that. You may not think you are made in the Creator’s image…but you are.

It does not matter what you have done. It does not matter what has been done to you. I care. So, please…hold on! Don’t let go! And

NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!!!

Whoever you are…you did not come across this message by mistake. It was no accident. It was no mere coincidence. It was meant to be. you were led here…and you know it. Deep inside…you know it. Cry out to the Creator. And please…let me know you saw this. You can get my email addy from the “Who I Am” page. Or…you can post a comment here. All comments are moderated. They are not posted until after I see them…unless you have already been an approved poster. If you don’t want me to post it, write that and I won’t. But write me and tell me you saw this. You can comment anonymously.

Remember…NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!!!!

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Those Times in Life

July 7, 2009

This is one of those times in life when I am feeling like I am in transition. I am questioning where I belong. Yet, wondering where I belong seems to be something that all severe abuse survivors  persistently struggle with. Our sense of who we are, what value we have and where we fit in has been so struck down by the abuse.

Our abusers tried so hard to rob of us any self of worth and value. Yet, our Creator created us in His image. I mean…gosh…how much more value can you have??? Perhaps that is why they tried so hard to destroy that…because they are so out of touch with the Creator themselves. They do not see their own value and cannot stand for anyone else to have a sense of value.

Who are we? We are the Creator’s creation…the people He made…in the universe that He made. Elohim, the Creator, loves us so much that He not only made us in His image, but He gave us the free will to disobey the rules for safety and happiness that He gave us. Then…when we broke those rules, He sent a part of Himself down to take care of it. How much more value can we possibly have than that?

I am a daughter of the Most High God…Yahweh. He is Adonai-Tzva’ot! That makes me special. He says I am the apple of His eye.

They also tried to make me too fragile and messed up to be able to do much good. I was meant to be a drain on any congregation I am a part of…instead of an asset. The idea was also to make me always aware that I am different from others…to always feel uncomfortable and uncertain in any social setting that I might find myself in.  They wanted me teo always be off kilter emotionally and yes…even mentally.

What they neglected to count on, though, was the Spirit of the Living Creator that dwelt inside of me. They introduced me to Him when I was young…and I understood it enough to become one of His children. Since then, I have had the Holy Spirit living inside of me. On some level, that tempered the effects of the abuse. It did not nullify them, but it did cause the abuse to effect me in different ways than other abuse survivors I have met who did not come to know the Creator until much later in life.  My system was set up a bit differently.

I have occasionally met others who are like me…but only rarely. They, too, came to know Him very young in life and they have also experienced some of the same things that I have in their systems.

There is always the struggle to know where I fit in. It feels as if I really don’t fit in much of anywhere…even with other survivors. It is not their fault. I know many who have welcomed me. Yet…the feeling persists.

It is not simply a matter of belonging…it is also a matter of feeling comfortable.  For so many years I have felt very socially inept…and I DO mean inept. I was always terrified that I would say or do the wrong thing. It was a very crippling way to be. That is much, much better. However, I can still find myself getting triggered back into that mode.

No matter where I am I have to hide my deepest self from those around me. I even have to hide it from my spouse to some extent. Some of that is because we have no privacy in our living situation. That is supposed to change within the next few months.  When it does, though, I really have no idea how open I can be. I am so used to hiding…a LOT.

Will I ever truly feel as if I really belong with others? I really don’t know. Maybe. I mean…it is isn’t as bad as it used to be. The thing is…even if I do feel as if I “fit”…I still cannot share the deepest things about me because the average person simply would not understand. They might not even believe it. What a risk it is to share. Once shared…it can never be taken back. Do I risk sharing something about myself that can make me look like a freak to others?

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What Is a Disorder Anyway?

January 29, 2009

Well, I wrote to Secret Shadows about the definition of “disorder” and decided it was time to write something here about it.

I have run across several people who disagree with the idea that DID…Dissociative Identity Disorder…should be called a “disorder” at all. I have to say that I agree with them.

Webster’s defines a disorder thusly:

1 : to disturb the order of
2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of
Now,  I can appreciate the argument that it is not ideal for people to have to live as multiples and, therefore, it can be looked at like it is a disturbance of the order of things. However, it is also not ideal for people to go through the horrific things that cause DID, either.
The way I see it, our brains and minds were wonderfully designed by our Creator to enable us to survive things that we should never have had to survive in the first place! Yahweh designed us to have this coping mechanism because He knew what kinds of evil people would perpetrate against each other. It is far better to have DID than to lose one’s sanity!
Therefore, those who responded to the horror by developing DID are actually functioning normally! Dissociation to that degree is a normal response to a horribly abnormal situation. I guess you could say it is a gift rather than a disorder.
Once we are no longer in that horrific situation, we no longer “need” the high dissociation to function…and that is where it becomes problematic. The coping mechanism is still in place, but it is no longer needed. In fact, like many other coping mechanisms that people still have that are no longer needed, it can actually become a major hindrance. Work needs to be done. Healing needs to take place.
Dissociation is on a continuum. At one end we have the kinds of things we all do when we shut out the world around us to focus on something like a book or movie or job. At the other end…we have people like Tara. However, the huge majority of us are somewhere in between.
I like what Secret Shadows wrote about DID: “Many of you nonDID people can totally identify with the concept of wearing more than one hat. You have your “work hat”, your “spouse hat”, your “parent hat”, your “best buddy old pal” hat, etc……..See, the difference between DID and nonDID hats is that nonDID people can fluidly change their hats, whereas those of us with DID get stuck in ours. Sometimes we cannot get them off. Then sometimes the hats come out of nowhere and plop on our heads.” She goes on to talk about one part of therapy being about how to learn to manage those hats.
The closer you are to the “Tara” (United States of Tara) end of the spectrum, the greater the likelihood that you have a huge amount of very horrific stuff that you have been through. It can take years to work through and unravel all of that, but it can be done. It is being done very successfully by many people.
What does the end result look like? That depends on who you ask and on what end goal was chosen by the system. Not everyone looks at healing in the same way…but that is fodder for another post.
The point I am trying to make is that this is a normal response. It is a normal and regular function of many people’s brains. It is not a “dis”order, so much as it is regular and normal function of the brains and minds of many.
Why is it that not everyone who goes through these horrors early on develops DID? Well…it appears that either not everyone’s brain and mind comes thus equipped…or perhaps their brains and minds were simply able to handle it better without needing to use the dissociation? I do not know. I am not sure it is even possible to know. That may be something that only Yahweh…the designer of our incredible and marvelous bodies and minds…knows.
I hate living in a fallen broken world. I hate having to deal with all that brings and all that entails. I hate seeing brokenness of any kind. Yet, I also have hope. I know this is just a temporary shadow of better things to come…much better things! I look forward to when Yeshua/Jesus will come back for me. Marana, ta!
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What’s It All About?

October 3, 2008

I guess it’s the time of year that keeps making me struggle with sadness. I know what is going on…and what is coming up. Anyone who has been through SRA knows exactly what I am talking about.

However, I have a purpose and a calling…to love, honor and glorify my Creator. It is important that I not allow anything to interfere with that. All of my life contributes to that on some level…even my history. Without Him, I would have never survived.

I was blessed with a very real heart connection with Yeshua/Jesus at a very young age, so I had the comfort of that connection with Him through it all. I truly do not believe I would have survived it any other way. Without His help…without His presence and strength and protection…I would not be here.

Then again, I would be with Him in a far better place…which goes back to my calling and purpose. I was allowed to survive and live for a reason. Even if it is only as a testimony to the fact that He is real and got me through it…that is enough. However, I think there is more to it than that. I believe He wants me to reach out to others who have been through it…to encourage them in any way that I can.

I know there are some who would read this and get very angry, especially when I talk of protection. I understand…and I do want to address that issue…very soon. Should I forget, anyone reading this is welcome to comment on it or email me at the above address on my page to remind me.

Right now, though, I recognize that my purpose is not about me. It is about my Creator. He brought all this into existence for a reason. I am part of that reason. He wanted a people who would love Him…not by force as puppets who had no choice…but out of choice simply because of who He is.

He is the Creator. If for no other reason, He deserves to be loved and worshiped and glorified for that one. I know…again…there are some who will be angry at that, too, because they ascribe the evil and wickedness in this world to either an impotent God or an angry, unloving God. In reality, it all comes from the rebellion of humankind to live according to His ways. It was people who destroyed the perfect world He created with their rebellion.

Yet, knowing they would do that, He created us all anyway. Why? Love. The truth is, we have all messed up so badly…each of us in our own way…none of us is perfect…that we all deserve to be obliterated. He does not do that, though. Why? Love. He is giving us chance after chance to do things His way…to recognize how very broken and fallen we really are and turn to Him for help. Not help for our own purposes and heart desires, but real help…help to live according to the good ways He has laid out for us.

I am trying to find my way in all of that. How can I love Him more? How can I live my life in such a way as to glorify Him more? How can I live my life to help and love others more? See…I don’t see life as being about me…but about Him. He is the Creator…I am merely the created. Yet, being merely the created…I am also the apple of His eye and the object of His love. All who are truly His children are.

Before I became His child, I was the object of His wrath. Clearly, though, He did not want it to be so. That is why He gave us His Son Yeshua/Jesus, so that, through what He did, we could move from being objects of wrath to being objects of love…as it was in the beginning.

People don’t like the idea of an angry God. Well, I don’t know about you, but I get angry when I see evil. If I had created a good creature, placed it in a beautiful perfect place, enjoyed sweet fellowship it, laid only one rule for it, and then had it turn and rebel against me, I think I would be very sad…and very angry at the evil behind that rebellion.

I don’t see His wrath as being against me…but actually for me. He wants what is best for me…not what is evil. By rebelling, I am choosing evil. When Adam and Eve rebelled, they chose evil. Anything that goes against the loving, perfect Creator is evil. Anything that goes against one of His…goes against Him.

Yes…I see even His anger as a sign of His ultimate love.

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Reflections of the Heart

September 21, 2008

Well, I know it probably looks as if I dropped off the face of the planet…but I did not. 🙂 I have been doing a lot of thinking, though, and praying. Praying about what I should be doing with my life…where my focus should be…where I should be spending my energy…and on whom.

I don’t believe that I am spending anywhere near enough time with my Creator. That is just plain dumb!! The One who made me…Yahweh God…is the One who knows me best…and who loves me the most! When I spend time with Him, it is a sweet time of fellowship.

There is a verse about God’s word being sweeter than honeycomb…or is it honey. Shoot…I really need to look that up! I should KNOW these things. See…evidence that I am not spending enough time with Him and His word!

Anyway, the idea is that God’s word is good to eat with the spirit and the heart, just like honey is good to eat with the mouth. I have found that to be so true! It is what sustains me in the hard times…and in the good ones, too; for I have found that, being a survivor, even the good times are fraught with hard things.

This is a difficult time…solstice and my father’s birthday. Yet, I know that God is with me. Nothing can happen that He does not allow or cause. Either way, He will turn it for my good. He will redeem it somehow. I will be able to use it to help someone else who has gone through things…or who is going through it now. Like my being accessed by my former t, I have learned good things from it…as hard as it was to go through.

No matter what happens, I know that He loves me. Ultimately, this world will fall away and I will be with Him forever. There will be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more death and suffering. While I am still here, I want to serve Him and others as best I can. I want to be an instrument of healing to others…if I can get my own stuff out of the way. He can change me…and He is. He can make me a better servant…and daughter for Him.

I am His joy. He showed me years ago that He is joyful when He sees me. I am both the Father’s joy (Abba’s joy)…and a source of joy. That makes my heart glad!

I hope to be writing here more soon. Many things have kept me away, but I am trying to reprioritize my life. Why am I here? What do I want to accomplish? What is God’s plan for me? I know His ultimate plan…but what is His shorter term plan…while I am still here? That is what I am seeking to know…what He wants me to do in this life here!

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The Human Spirit

August 13, 2008

I am amazed at the human spirit. We just keep pushing on and pushing on, determined to get where we are going. Why? What drives us? I am not always even sure what drives me. I know I want to be free. I want to be all that I was created to be. Then, too, I hate the idea that the perps get to win. I think that is part of what drives me when nothing else will. I refuse to give them anything!

I know they lose in the end…but I want them to lose NOW! I want them to see me walking in freedom…unafraid…unencumbered by all that they did to me! I may not get totally there, but I sure am going to work on it until the day I die!

They will NOT win! They have NOT won! They have already lost…whether they know it or not! I was created with a purpose. The Creator of the universe gave me that purpose and He is fully able to help me to walk in it…whether I totally understand it or not.

I am very grateful for His protection and for His love toward me. He has brought me through many things…many things. He continues to do so. Life is full of life lessons…things to learn about myself, about Yahweh, about others. I will keep on learning.

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