Posts Tagged ‘Dear Mom and Dad’

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Dear Mom and Dad…Number 3

February 15, 2009

I really wish I could express to you what is on my heart. I really do…but I really doubt that you would believe me. Not, that is, unless you have really changed since we last spoke and saw each other. At that time, you said that I was lying. You even went on to say that I had been lying for years about just about everything. So, I guess since you believe that I am a liar then it really does no good to try and communicate with you…does it? If everything I say is suspect, why bother saying anything at all?

Well, even if I am unable to write this to you directly, it does not change the fact that I have always loved you. And however imperfectly, I have respected you. I know…you don’t believe that. What can I say? I know you have said that I broke the commandment to honor your father and mother. Hmmm…what about the commandment to fathers not to provoke your children to anger? Was I not your child?

I know, mom, that it is written to fathers, but don’t you think it is meant for mothers, too? Was I not supposed to get angry when you would “discipline” me with a narrow belt or metal clothes hanger until your anger was spent? When, in so doing, I was told not to cry out, not to resist, not to try to get away? When I was told, basically, to just lie there and take it?

I remember being sent to get dad’s narrowest belt from your closet. The narrower ones hurt more. How I dreaded having to get it. What did I do that warranted that kind of punishment? If I tried to talk to you about it, you would become enraged. If I cried too loudly in the punishment, your anger would be kindled beyond, I believe, even your control. What did I do to deserve that kind of anger? What was my crime? I didn’t vacuum? What??? With rare exceptions, I honored your curfews. I tried to do what I was told, even when I hated it. What did I do, mom, to deserve being hit with a belt or hanger until your anger was spent? I would sure like to know. I was the daughter people used to compliment you on.

Actually, perhaps the better question is this: what horrible things were done to you, mom, that caused you to have all the built up anger inside of you? Or, what were you going through at that time that made you feel it so necessary to have that kind of power over me? I don’t remember at what age you gave up trying to hit me with a belt or hanger…but I know this…I was in High School. Yep, you were punishing me like that even when I was in High School.

Dad, what about the command to remain true to your wife? Surely you cannot tell me that you were right to incest your daughters? Oh, yeah, that’s right…you “don’t remember” incesting me. How can our relationship be healed if you don’t remember the things you have done? How can it be healed if we cannot talk freely about things?

You have said that I have not forgiven you. Forgiven you of what? The things you say you don’t remember doing? I see no acknowledgment…no repentance…no asking for forgiveness. I don’t even see any concern on your part for me at all.

Supposing for a moment that nothing really happened…aren’t you in the least bit concerned that these memories have cropped up? Sadly, just like with mom…it is all about you and never about me. All you have seemed to care about is yourself. You don’t care how I am doing. You don’t care about what might have happened that could be causing these memories to surface. And no, I have not been hypnotized, took no psychotropic drugs and did not even see that counselor until AFTER the memories started to come up. So no, dad…they were not suggested or implanted. They came unbidden and I held them in my heart for several years pondering what to do, if anything, about them.

I find it so interesting that, when confronted about the incest, even mom said that she was SURE SOMEthing had happened. She just couldn’t figure out who could have done it. Duhhhhh!!! Could it possibly be that she too overwhelmed with the horror of it making it so that she simply could not believe it was you?

And no, contrary to another lie you have chosen to believe about me, I have NOT been in therapy all my life! It amazes me how many lies you can weave about me, whilst calling me the liar. You have said that I just used you both for years, manipulating you both. Hmmm…do you not see that is exactly what you have both done with us? Even if it were true…who do you think taught us how to do that in the first place???

So, where do we go from here? I have no clue. I am a very forgiving person, yet, according to you, there seems to be nothing for me to forgive. I don’t see you, mom, ever acknowledging the manipulating, the coercion, the game playing, the abuse. I don’t see you, dad, ever acknowledging the lies, the false accusations, the manipulation, the abuse, the coercion.

And that is just what I know/remember about me. How about sis? Oy vey, that is a whole other subject…isn’t it? You see, I’ve figured it out. I started to remember.  And I still love you both. No, it is not inbred programmed loyalty. It is the love of Yeshua through me. Maybe it always has been. I just don’t think I have had it on my own to love anyone. I think it has always been Yeshua’s love through me…ever since I first met Him at four years of age.

Are you able to receive love? Do you want to receive real love? He is the only Source of true and real love that I know. Please turn to Him. Please give Him all of yourself. He can take all the yuck and make you clean. He will forgive you, if you but ask Him. Please do that. I don’t want you to spend eternity without Him.

Love,

your daughter

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Dear Mom and Dad…number 2

February 14, 2009

Today is Valentine’s Day. I truly hope that you are happy with each other and are celebrating. I know that we are…both happy and celebrating. ***** has shown me what true unconditional love is…or at least about as close as you can get to it, being human.

I really hope, too, that…someday…you can come to terms with all that you have done. No, I don’t think any parent is perfect. I certainly know that I am not. But I am not talking about the mistakes. I am talking about the abuse. Both of you abused both of us. Yes, I do know about her, too.

One of the things I am talking about is the disciplining in anger. Of course, whenever I would bring stuff like that up to you, mom, you would go dramatic on me and jump to the  extreme “I was a horrible mom” thing, followed by some comment. Well, I never said that about you…YOU did…and if that is what you really think of yourself, then don’t you owe us an apology?

There is something, mom, in between the extreme of perfect parent and horrible parent, but you never seemed able to go there.  I think you did that extreme horrible parent thing because you knew my instant reaction would be to try and explain what I really meant…to comfort you and protect you from feeling badly about yourself. (Yes, I learned those lessons well.)  I think you wanted me to feel sorry for you feeling so badly (although I question whether or not you truly did feel badly) and I think you were trying to divert the conversation onto bunny trails  so that we would never get to any real dialog. Just like all of my growing up years, it was all about you…protecting your image and your feelings. How sad it must have been for you to grow up into adulthood feeling so insecure that you needed to have perfect children. Yes, I remember how important image was…but that is something I will save for another letter.

I am saddened that your insecurities would not allow you to see the truth about who you are…both the good and the bad. How freeing it is to not have to hide our faults and to be able to see our good qualities. It would be nice to be able to have a real dialog with you. someday.  I won’t play that game again. I won’t go back to trying to explain everything I say because you persist in taking things wrongly. I won’t go back to always trying to bring you to the middle ground. The last real conversation we had I held your feet to the truth. I refused to back down, but I am not out to wrestle with you.

You can’t have it both ways. If you really were a horrible parent, then don’t expect me to act like nothing happened. Don’t expect me to just forgive without a real acknowledgment of what you have done and without an apology. So far, the only thing I have gotten from you is ducks and dodges and extreme reactions. How about an adult dialog? You know…the kind where I can tell you what hurt and why and you can accept that and apologize and ask forgiveness? And you can tell me what hurt and why and I can accept that and apologize and ask forgiveness? The kind of dialog where we can talk about our perceptions and give each other the chance to explain when things were not what they appeared to be?

Tell me, mom…is there any hope of having that kind of dialog? Or are things today the same with you as they were before? I will keep praying, mom. I don’t hate you…never did. But yes, there are times when I did not like you and I hated the things you were doing to me.

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Dear Mom and Dad

February 12, 2009

I am still trying to put together all that you did and what must have happened to you to cause you to do those things. You must have been hurt so badly in your own life. I forgive you. I pray that you will someday find the healing that you both need. I pray that you will finally find Yahweh’s peace and forgiveness for yourself…as I have.

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