Posts Tagged ‘depression’

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Holiday Choices and Depression

December 25, 2009

This is a time of year that can be very difficult for a lot of people. For survivors whose abusers took advantage of trying to destroy all joyful memories of holidays…it can be even tougher. At this point, I don’t really recall much in the way of negative memories regarding Christmas. However, as I pointed out in my previous post, all emotions from the past are difficult…whether good or bad.

I am missing my far away family and I am also struggling with my living situation. I am going into year number five like this and it is really difficult. I had the chance to get away from it for five days, but the day after I came back, I got hit really hard. I am fighting depression big time, but am plugging my way through it. Today I placed another order for SamE. I find the Jarrow brand works pretty well for me. I took two today and have one more left. I think it is helping a bit.

Life can have a lot of twists and turns. I have to just rest in my heavenly Abba and trust that He is going to get me through this…just as He has the last four winters. I know He has a plan. I know that it is ultimately good. Why we have to wait in these circumstances…I do not know. It would be easier if I knew the reasons behind this…but I don’t. Oh, well. I am just going to have to keep learning to rest in Him…to trust that His timing is best.

In the meantime, I will choose to enjoy whatever I can of life.  Today I got to spend some time with friends. It was a nice time away from home.

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Feeling Down

May 12, 2009

I find  myself fighting depression more lately. Some of it is due to the shock of our family being uninvited to something based upon something someone else said to this person. There may have been some truth…and even some valid concerns…yet we were never told what was said or given any option to explain or clarify or even to verify. It makes me very sad.

I have also been in some sporadic email communication with my  parents. I just don’t know how to take them. It is always such a mixed bag when it comes to my parents. They are really the only directly related family I have. I never really knew my aunts, uncles and cousins that well because we always lived far away from them. I have met them and visited a few times growing up, but never got close to them. They are like strangers to me. One grandma died before I was born. Another grandfather died when I was in the second (?) grade. I never got to know him because he lived so far away.

My other grandparent I saw one time when my family was moving. We stopped along the way. That is when I met the other aunts, uncles and cousins. I never got close to them much either. I did get a little bit close to my grandmother long distance. But then she had a stroke and could not talk or write. It was very frustrating for both of us and I just let it drop. I probably should not have…but I did. I was just a kid. I don’t think I was even in high school yet when she died.

My grandfather and her divorced. He eventually remarried. I did meet him…and his wife. I don’t really know how I feel about him. My mother considered her to be a homewrecker and never accepted her. I wonder if that is one reason my sister accepted them. She had run away, but apparently she was willing to meet with them where she worked in the mall. At that point she was old enough to make the choice…no longer a minor. Everything runs together in my heart and mind when I thin of my family of origin…FOO as so many dub them.

I was checking out a Survivors of Incest Site…SIA. They actually have online meetings…and telephone meetings. I was actually kind of hoping for a local face to face meeting. I think that going to a meeting that focuses on that might be the next step for me…whether online, by phone or in person. I don’t know. I just know that, as I was looking at the site, my heart was starting to pound. Yeah…tell me there is nothing there. Tell me that nothing happened.

So, I sit here with my thoughts feeling kind of disjointed. It is good to be able to write something out, although I am not sure how much sense it is making. But then, it does not have to make a whole lot of sense. After all, this is my blog. *smile*

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Healing and Emotional Detachment

August 30, 2008

Hmm…not really sure how to say this. I am realizing that I need to have a healthy emotional detachment from others. I notice this the most with the one person I am closest to, but it applies to others, too. I tend to feel guilty at times about how others are effected by my issues. It is OK to feel sad about it…but it is not OK to feel bad about myself because of it. Feeling bad about myself helps me to spiral downward. Feeling sad does not.

I can feel sad that my brokenness effects others without feeling badly about myself. There is only so much I can do. If I cannot do, or be, what someone else needs me to do, or be, that does not make me a bad person…even if they have every “right” to want me do it. I don’t need to beat myself up, or be miserable, just because someone else is miserable or unhappy about how my issues effect them. I can be empathetic. I can care. I can do my best to work on my healing; but I do not have to push heaven and hell to try to change something that I have no control over. That just sets me up for failure and I start to crash.

If someone is struggling with something about me that I have no control over I need to let them face that and work out how to deal with it. Yes, I do need to keep working on my healing…and, hopefully, I will be changed in that process. But the results are not up to me. Neither is how someone else handles those results. That is something that person has to work out.

I can do the footwork, but Yahweh God has to do the healing. He has to change me. I cannot force change. I can change my behavior…to a certain extent. However, I cannot change my triggers. Shoot, a lot of the time I am still trying to figure what the triggers precisely are and why they even trigger me! I can work on those things, but I cannot force myself to not be triggered.

Another thing I struggle with is that, acceptance of myself as I am right where I am at, can look like I am giving up to someone else. It can appear that I don’t care and am not really “working” on something anymore. That is not the case, though. To me, acceptance of where I am at simply means trusting that God will do what is needed without my having to be constantly striving and then feeling awful because, in spite of all my hard work and striving, I am still being triggered…or still failing. It means that I can continue to do what I can and trust Him for the results.

Sometimes, if it is someone really close to me, I find that the other person’s struggle with me and resulting unhappiness causes me to feel bad about myself. The feelings of worthlessness start to kick in, along with thoughts of them being better off without me. I start to spiral downward and that is not good. I am realizing that my feeling that way means that I am sort of taking responsibility for how they feel. It is harder to see it that way because it happens in such a roundabout way. Nonetheless, it is real…and it is not healthy…for them or me.

There is nothing like feeling helpless to start a round of depression. It works so well. I need to be on guard for that and practice taking good care of myself. It is my responsibility to take good care of my emotional and mental health, just as it is for me to take good care of my physical health.

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Depression…not giving up…not giving in!

June 17, 2008

I have been battling depression for a bit now. Continuing to battle it. I don’t know how long it will last…but I will not give up. I will not give in.

Actually, the last couple of days have been better. I will choose to keep my focus on my heavenly Abba/Father. He is the One who brings healing Shalom.

Thank You, Abba, for being here with me. Thank You for faithful friends who love and accept me as I am. Thank You for being here even when others abandon me…or even attack me. I am so imperfect. Yet, You find ways to use me to encourage others. I thank You for that. I am amazed at that, too. Wow! I am nothing. You are everything…Creator of the universe and deserving of all my love and praise. Thank You for loving me so much!

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Getting Healthy and Obsessions

April 18, 2008

I am taking steps to getting healthier and am feeling confident about that. I am being more active and paying attention to what I eat. I tend to eat very poorly. Oftentimes, I won’t even eat my first meal until late morning or into the afternoon. That is not good. Oftentimes, I don’t eat enough. OK…let’s get honest here…typically I do not eat enough. And I tend to eat the wrong things. But there are also days I know I eat too much.

Lately, I kind of got a scare as I found myself eating a meal rather compulsively. I definitely overate. That is always a red flag for me. It is so easy for me to slip into ED behaviors if I am not careful. That is one thing that makes it difficult for me to do the things I need to do to get into shape. I do not want to start obsessing about food…or about my own forms of purging…which involve calorie counting, extreme exercise and/or fasting.

I used to be an extreme compulsive eater. I binged like crazy. But I never got fat and always wondered about that. My weight did fluctuate and there were short periods of being a bit overweight…but not that much. It just did not make sense to me. I was very obsessed with food and knew I had to do something about the bingeing. I knew it was not healthy and I was totally out of control. I hated myself for what I was doing with my compulsive eating.

I finally got to the point of being able to accept that I was just totally powerless over it and cried out to God for help. He gave me ideas on how to stop the bingeing…and I did it. I conquered it…with His help! Another miracle in all of this was that I was smoking pot at the time. I even learned how to conquer the “munchies”. I also learned how to turn off the hunger…something I still struggle with to some extent.

Although I was not fat by any stretch of the definition, I was a bit overweight and wanted to lose some. So, as I dealt with the bingeing, I added calorie counting, Herbalife and aerobics to loose the bit of extra weight I had. I was between 130 and 135 at the time…if I remember correctly. I think my original goal was to get down to 120 – 125, which I did. I thought…hey, why stop?

My overweight mother was telling me I was too thin. I do actually have a picture from that time period. I am not sure how much I weighed…but I was definitely thinner. My then hubby just said that my mother was jealous. He liked thin and encouraged me to keep going. Since I was not doing it for him, I did not really care what he wanted.

I was kind of curious, though, about how far I could go. I was still sugar bingeing, but I always countered it with eating less of something else or working it off through aerobics. I watched the calories I ate and the calories I burned. I made it down to 115…then 110. That was still in the range given at that time for my height. I kept going. I made it down to 104.

At 104, something happened. I did not think I looked bad at all. In fact, I liked how I looked, but I knew that in all the charts I had seen…that was about the bottom of the weight range given for my height at that time. I was beginning to realize that FELT better more around 115. Plus, I did know about anorexia and the long term damage. I wanted to avoid that.

Everyone fluctuates in their weight between 3 – 5 pounds, so I decided I wanted to go between 110 and 115. If I remember correctly (this was only about 23 years ago) I ended up fluctuating between 120 and 125 for quite a while. I felt really good about how I had conquered my overall bingeing through the diet and exercise.

I was kind of in denial, I think, about the fasting. It was not really something I consciously tried to do, other than trying to eat later in the day or work out and drink water instead of eating. I did not think of fasting as a calorie intake balancer. I saw it more of simply being when I ate. I felt good/healthy in my body and good about myself at that time…other than the sugar bingeing that I continued to do.

Then I saw an interview with a doctor about bulimia. When he talked about other forms of purging beyond the typical well known ones…I listened. When he mentioned calorie counting, extreme exercise and fasting…well, the light bulb went off. I began to look more at my patterns and the answer to why I had never gained a lot of weight became clear. It was the fasting.

So, it all came together at pretty much the same time. The crying out for help with the bingeing…the calorie counting…the extreme exercise. But the fasting I had been doing all along. I just never really saw it. I would wait as long as I could to eat…whether I was bingeing or not. It was a habit…a long time entrenched pattern. I still tend to avoid eating.

I eventually dealt with the sugar bingeing, too, through a recovery program. The realization that bulimia could take the form of what I was doing…and where it could lead if I did not watch out…was a very sobering thought. I had enough presence of mind to see that…something I believe was strictly a gift from God.

Ever since then, whenever I have thought about working out or watching what I eat, I have felt the spectre of obsession rearing its head in the background. It has helped to keep me from doing what I do really need to do.

So, now I am working on paying attention again to what I eat, when I eat it, how active I am, etc. and praying that it will not become an obsession. I really need to get into shape, especially now that I am perimenopausal. I know I do not need to eat as much as I did before. I can actually feel it in my body. I also need to drink more water, so I am paying attention to that. That is another thing that I am horrible about, even though I know that not drinking enough can cause all kinds of things from headaches to actually feeling sick. I have gone back to fitday.com to help me keep track of it. Although not a perfect site…it is pretty good…and it is free…within my budget!

I am confident in the positive changes I am making for. It is very important that I keep an eye on this and not let it turn into the obsession that I can feel lurking close by. These positive changes don’t change the fact that I still have to deal with the aftereffects of having survived really bad things. However, I do believe that anything I can do for myself like this will help me to deal with those aftereffects better.

I am also taking SamE again. I find that can really help, too. People can say all they want about how we feel not ever being a chemical imbalance, but I know that what I eat makes a difference. That is “chemical”! When I take SamE when I am struggling with depression…it helps. In fact, I feel it helps a lot more than the antidepressant I used to be on. Plus, I can take it as needed instead of constantly pumping drugs into my body.

So, there you have it. I am working on eating the right foods in the right amounts at the right times, being more active, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, etc. I feel really good about doing this and will keep a watchful eye out to make sure it does not become an obession. I already know that I can get down to at least 104. That is not my goal. I think I have a realistic goal…at this point. Whether or not I will keep going once I reach that goal remains to be seen. When I really focused on doing this before…my goals kept changing as I reached each one. We will see what happens.

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