Posts Tagged ‘disappointment’

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Disappointment in Childhood Heroes

August 17, 2008

Today is good. However, on the flip side of things, I have been bitterly disappointed to find out some things about some of my childhood heroes. One especially. There is someone I always looked up to growing up and my son is following in my footsteps with that. I always admired this guy…and others with him. Now, I will never look at him, or them, the same again.

I was reading this guy’s bio to my son and started to fight tears when I came to the part about his being a Mason, a Shriner, a Knight Templar and member of a Masonic temple…in addition to his “christian” persona. My son asked me what was wrong. I did not tell him. Because this guy’s public persona seems to be so “right on”, I am not going to steal one of his heroes away from him. When he is older, it is time enough for him to know the truth.

It started me doing some research, though. In the process of researching the one, I uncovered a number of people with similar backgrounds that I had looked at as “heroes”. I know that a lot of people don’t see anything wrong with the Masons. So be it. I won’t argue with them. I am sure we won’t be able to convince each other to think differently. That’s OK.

It is sad, but it also points out again a very real truth…people are not always what they seem to be. They can have more than one persona. I mean…all of us do to some extent. We are mothers, wives, teachers, cleaners, counselors, etc. Those personas all kind of run together and overlap.

Sometimes, though, there can be personas that are drastically different. Sometimes, that difference includes acting for good or for evil. How many people have murdered someone and the neighbors said they thought the person was really nice, quiet, good neighbor, etc.? How many molesters walk around looking like “molesters”? What does a molester look like?

Truth is, people can have a darker side that only those who are very close to him or her can see. When all you know about someone is what you see on the silver screen and in media and in the public eye…well, you just don’t really know the person. It is the spouse, the children, those who live with a person who get a really good idea of what a person is like.

I am disappointed. I will get over it. *sigh*

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Disappointments & Perspective

August 9, 2008

Sometimes it just feels like life dumps on you. Disappointments pile up. Lost dreams. Betrayals. Hurts. Sickness. Lost jobs. Lost friends. Feelings of abandonment. It can be really hard to keep a right perspective about things.

I guess one of those right perspectives is that everyone goes through stuff. There is nothing that I can experience that someone else…in fact many someone elses…have not also gone through. Sometimes it seems like there is an inequality about how much stuff gets dumped on us. It seems like some people get a whole lot more than others. But is that really true? I don’t know.

I do know that there can be many things that we don’t see on the outside. There can be many pains and hurts and burdens that only the person going through it really knows about.

I seriously doubt that there is anyone who has not felt the sting of being hurt by a friend…or who has not been disappointed by a family member. Who has never lost a job? Or never gotten sick? There are some who have never felt the sting of the death of a loved one…but I daresay that most of us have, especially if we are “older”. Some, sadly, have experienced that at a very young age.

I need to keep my trials in perspective. I am not being beaten…currently. I am fairly healthy…as in I have no life threatening or serious persistent health problems. I am not starving…I have food to eat. I have shelter…I am not living in a cardboard box or under an overpass…or in a refugee camp. I am not being tortured or raped for my spiritual beliefs. Hmmm…maybe I don’t have it so bad after all?

There are hurts in life. Everyone has them. I must learn to work through them and move on. I don’t know if that is more of a challenge than it is for most folks because of what I have gone through as a survivor…or not. I guess we can all struggle with letting go of things.

I know that, for me, I am challenged right now to work through something. It is one of those situations where I don’t know if I can fully delve into the deep emotions connected with this until I move away from the whole place where it happened. Right now, I have to stay connected to that place and I think it is making it harder for me to work through it.

However, I won’t give up trying. I need to work through the anger. Those deep emotions keep getting triggered inside…bringing tears to the surface. I need to work through this so that a root of bitterness does not grow. I don’t want to hate…yet I feel the anger pushing to the surface and I find myself tempted to say “I hate”. I really don’t want to go there. I want my heart to be free…not locked in a prison of hatred and bitterness.

Nope…I don’t want to go there. I must find a way to work through…and truly forgive.

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