Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

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I Had a Dream

January 5, 2012

Wow. This was originally written on May 4, 2010. Instead of posting it, I turned it into a draft. I am not sure why I did not put it out there back then. Could it be that I felt it made me feel too vulnerable? Perhaps. I think I have moved beyond these feelings now, but I am going to share this dream anyway. I am sure others may relate and these feelings may just come back.

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I had a dream last night. I was actively interacting with other people. We were outside…a parking lot? Whatever it was…it was paved. Whatever we were doing…it was no big deal. I mean…it is not like it was some kind of hard work. It was something social…but I am just not sure what it was specifically.

I was fighting to keep going…to keep participating. I felt so weary inside…so stretched. I just wanted to lie down…to stop being needed…just for a bit. I wanted…I needed…to be ministered to by others. I needed others to just know what I was going through and be there for me.

I finally allowed myself to start sliding to ground. On the way down, I heard it all over again. You will scare people. They won’t understand. They will just think you are being overly dramatic. Still…I decided to dare to take a chance.

So, I allowed myself to hit the ground…all the while feeling “guilty” about showing my own need. I just had to see what would happen if I shared my exhaustion…my pain…my struggle.

What happened? Nothing. I was completely ignored.

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PTSD, Grieving and Broken Dreams Rambling

September 5, 2008

I have not been able to come and write here for a bit. I have had so many things on my plate that it feels overwhelming. It does not help that we are going into a time of year that tends to be difficult for me. September and October are selection and preparation months in the cult for what happens at the end of October.

My mind and heart are just filled with things I need to get out, but I will probably just be ramblings. Writing as it comes to me.

I am grieving over so many things right now. Dreams we had when we moved here that have been dashed and shattered. Struggling to improve our living situation to no avail. Friendships I have had to walk away from due to communication that just seems to fail over and over.

There are times when I feel very alone. I know I am not. I have Yahweh God first and foremost and I have my husband and son. The rest of my family lives very far away. The cost of gas and the time involved with trying to improve our living situation has effectively isolated us from being able to invest in any real friendships…not that I connect very easily to others anyway. Everyone lives so far away. I long for an in person friend to do things with…another couple to get together with. Being forbidden to openly share with some people about our lives and about my past has also hindered us a lot.

We have been deeply wounded since moving here…in ways we would have never imagined. It has also come from sources we would never have dreamed. This is the time of year that I was seeing a therapist two years ago who accessed my programming and used me. Boy did I learn a lot from that one.

The days are getting shorter. There is so much I want to do…and so much I need to do…and I feel so hindered. I miss having a table on which to spread things out to work on. I miss having a bedroom. I miss having a bed that is not also my couch. I don’t mind sleeping on a couch, but this couch has to be folded out into a bed for two…much more awkward. Plus, I have to roll up our bedding every morning to make it back into a couch. So there is the hassle at night when I am already tired and cannot just fall into bed. I also cannot get up in the morning and just go sit in a chair somewhere.

I have always struggled with sleeping on a bed in the daytime and now the bedroom and living room area boundaries are blurred. I am sure that is not helping my PTSD. Neither is the lack of privacy. I miss having the privacy for adult conversations and other adult stuff.

I miss having some kind of room that I can go into when I need to cry…or for a phone call…or to do art work (especially much needed therapeutic artwork). I am constantly stuffing my emotions and hiding what I am really feeling and how I am really doing. It is very draining.

I miss being able to ride my motorcycle. Someone actually asked to buy it and I just cried. I am not selling it at this point. Selling it would mean another lost dream…two, actually. The dream of being able to ride again and the dream of being able to afford for us to go places and have fun on the motorcycles, since it is less expensive. Even if we cannot afford to go do something, the rides alone are great therapy and great fun. I have missed them. This is especially hard when there are soooooooo many motorcyclists around here.

I even miss being able to call my parents to ask them things…or see how they are doing. But that is just not safe to do. I have received no indication that anything has changed in regards to how they perceive me.

I am fighting tears even as I write this. I know that I can trust Yahweh. He never said life would easy. In fact, Yeshua/Jesus said the opposite. I have run into opposition for many things…some of it simply my own humanness…and some of it more sinister. I choose to keep serving and loving Yahweh…there is no other. He is the One True God…the Creator of everything. It is to Him that I take my tears and my heartaches. It is from Him that I receive some comfort and solace.

Well, I am going to wrap this up for now. I will come back when I can. I hope this feeling of being overwhelmed stops soon.

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Therapy and Moving On

August 13, 2008

T went really well today. I feel like I accomplished more than I have for awhile. I got in touch with some feelings that I have been needing to get in touch with. He gave me an assignment. I have to answer a question. I have no idea what I will answer. It is one of those things where you have to seek the answer…as in I need to pray and ask for help.

I think I also made a decision today…to find a way to get out of here. Being in this place is holding me back in some things…and not just me. It is time. We did what we came here to do. It is time to move on…or perhaps…to move back. I don’t know. Where are we supposed to be? We are praying for wisdom on that one.

I want to be in a place where I don’t have to couch what I say to others. Where I don’t have to be concerned about someone else’s job…although he says not to be concerned. He says to be me. Yet, that is hard. I don’t really feel much freedom to be “me”…not here…and maybe not anywhere. Well, there is one place where I think I would feel it…but he does not want to go there. It would take an act of God…literally. So, I must let go of that desire. Although, I still hope it will happen…but I must not set my heart upon it. I must let go of that dream. If it is meant to be…He will bring it back…in reality instead of in my heart.

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Thoughts for Today

June 6, 2008

I feel like I am being stretched in so many ways. Things in life change. People change. Situations change. The weather changes!

It makes me so grateful to know that there is one thing that never changes…Yahweh God. My understanding of Him may change, but even that is directed largely by His Spirit…which never changes. I just don’t know what I would do if I could not count on His unchangeableness.

Some changes I really want. Like our living situation. I really WANT that to change! I am ready!! I feel so drained right now. I would really like to be able to just take some time and space to sort of shut down for a bit. But there is no way to be able to do that here. So, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and fighting to keep going.

I had a really intense dream the other night. I think it is revelatory…in the sense that I believe it is telling me something about my system. I have been praying for understanding and I think I am getting it. I am waiting for one of my t’s to call me. She may have some insight on it, having worked with survivors for so long. It was a very real dream.

I am struggling to rest when I sleep. I do sleep, but I don’t awaken feeling rested. It may the “bed” we sleep on. I don’t know. I just hope it gets better.

I read a blog today by a friend of mine. She asked the question I have asked myself. Why keep working on healing hard things when it seems like the pain will never really go away. OK…that is MY wording. She asked it differently, but I think she meant pretty much the same thing. Why keep at it when it seems like there may never be full healing in this life?

There are days I truly don’t know what to say other than there are others who need me. If I can heal even a little bit, it will be worth it for them…won’t it? I sure hope so.

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Dreams and Death

March 24, 2008

The other night I kept going in and out of the same dream. I don’t remember much about it…but I know that, in the dream, my father had died. I don’t know how. I was with my mother while receiving the call about my father. Evidently, it was “expected” that he might die. I don’t know who was with me, but I remember trying to consult with them about whether to tell her right away or not, but she seemed to figure it out anyway.

I could not tell if she was in her home or in a facility somewhere, but it seemed like she needed care of some sort…like she was ill or something…which I think was the reason for the uncertainty whether or not to tell her right away.

Dreams about my parents always bring up questions for me. Are they OK? Are they even still alive? All I know to do is to check the obits for the newspapers where they appear to still be living.

I wish that I could have a good relationship with my parents. I don’t like being estranged from them…but it is simply the way it must be…for now.

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