Posts Tagged ‘family of origin’

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Maybe…It’s That I Contacted My Cousin…

October 20, 2010

I found a cousin on my mother’s side on FaceBook. It is interesting connecting with her. I have never been close to any family members. We always lived really far away from everyone. I would really like to add her to my friends list. Thing is…she most likely has a cult background, too. There is every indication that my family is generational…on both sides. So…do I just add her and trust that all will be OK?

My former therapist noticed something about when people break free from the cults. For some unknown reason, they find that the breaking free goes across and down…to siblings, cousins and children. So…maybe she is free. She did mention that she had been trying to figure out what issues the family had, but that she could never figure it out…that it was always a secret with them.

Could she have broken free without knowing about her past? Could it be they are just leaving her alone? I don’t know. I have no connection with family on either side. I have no real desire to connect with anyone on my father’s side. I got to meet my relatives on my mother’s side more frequently…albeit only a few times.

I don’t really know how to resolve this. I hate to bring up the SRA. Perhaps I should mention my growing up amnesia and see how she responds to that. I so want to connect with my cousins. Right now…she is pretty much it. Even she does not seem to be close to her other cousins. She was not sure where some of them are.

If it were not for my own children and grandchildren, I would just befriend her. She is being very understanding about connecting in private. I am grateful for that.

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Feeling Down

May 12, 2009

I find  myself fighting depression more lately. Some of it is due to the shock of our family being uninvited to something based upon something someone else said to this person. There may have been some truth…and even some valid concerns…yet we were never told what was said or given any option to explain or clarify or even to verify. It makes me very sad.

I have also been in some sporadic email communication with my  parents. I just don’t know how to take them. It is always such a mixed bag when it comes to my parents. They are really the only directly related family I have. I never really knew my aunts, uncles and cousins that well because we always lived far away from them. I have met them and visited a few times growing up, but never got close to them. They are like strangers to me. One grandma died before I was born. Another grandfather died when I was in the second (?) grade. I never got to know him because he lived so far away.

My other grandparent I saw one time when my family was moving. We stopped along the way. That is when I met the other aunts, uncles and cousins. I never got close to them much either. I did get a little bit close to my grandmother long distance. But then she had a stroke and could not talk or write. It was very frustrating for both of us and I just let it drop. I probably should not have…but I did. I was just a kid. I don’t think I was even in high school yet when she died.

My grandfather and her divorced. He eventually remarried. I did meet him…and his wife. I don’t really know how I feel about him. My mother considered her to be a homewrecker and never accepted her. I wonder if that is one reason my sister accepted them. She had run away, but apparently she was willing to meet with them where she worked in the mall. At that point she was old enough to make the choice…no longer a minor. Everything runs together in my heart and mind when I thin of my family of origin…FOO as so many dub them.

I was checking out a Survivors of Incest Site…SIA. They actually have online meetings…and telephone meetings. I was actually kind of hoping for a local face to face meeting. I think that going to a meeting that focuses on that might be the next step for me…whether online, by phone or in person. I don’t know. I just know that, as I was looking at the site, my heart was starting to pound. Yeah…tell me there is nothing there. Tell me that nothing happened.

So, I sit here with my thoughts feeling kind of disjointed. It is good to be able to write something out, although I am not sure how much sense it is making. But then, it does not have to make a whole lot of sense. After all, this is my blog. *smile*

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