As an SRA survivor, there isn’t a whole lot life can throw at me that is as bad as what I have already been through. Am I cautious? Sure! I am not checking my brain at the door. But am I afraid? Nope! I know to Whom I belong and, even if I were to die, I know where I am going. And it things get bad economically, I know who my Provider is. The same G-D that got me through all the rest of life, will get me through this.
Posts Tagged ‘fear’

Questions…most likely without answers
August 21, 2009OK…I’m a survivor. I have been through worse…so why am I so freaking out because of people coming over to help tomorrow???? I am fighting tears and want to just shake. Why do I care what others think? Why do I feel so dang vulnerable? Why do I have to be so freaking out??? People are being nice…and I am afraid. I am embarrassed at how we have had to live. The place is a mess. A mining camp one guy described it as. I think he was being nice. I have no control over what others do. We have all been feeling so overwhelmed…overwhelmed to the point of almost giving up with trying to make this place look decent. We have a tiny living space…no real storage that is conveniently accessible. Everything is in bins scattered everywhere outside. Well…actually…a lot of it is bins. There are also things out of bins. So, people are coming to help so that a house of some kind can be built. They are helping and I am freaking. Arggggg!!!!

Filling Out Forms
April 4, 2009OK…so do you ever have days when you just struggle so hard to do something? This morning was like that. It was a technical problem with our PC’s and a recent upgrade. Needless to say…I was in tears. I get really tired of it being so difficult at times to deal with things. I like being able to pick up the telephone and call the company and get help. Instead, they make you, use chats, send email or fill out forms and jump through hoops. Some things are just not that easily explained in a “chat” or email or online form.
Forms…oh, how I HATE to fill out forms or paperwork of any kind. It is not just that I hate the inconvenience. For whatever reason, I find them to be triggering. I see forms and I just want to shut down. It is like I suddenly feel like this little child who is totally overwhelmed and who does not know what to do.
Hmmm…I wonder if there is a memory tied to this somewhere inside. There has to be a reason why I react so strongly to filling out forms. There seems to be a switch taking place. Why? There are times when I am literally sailing into a panic attack. I usually keep it hidden, although sometimes I do end up silent tears which I surreptitiously try to wipe away because I feel like such a baby. It is embarrassing.
I know one thing about forms that is very triggering…asking anything about my growing up years or the past. Any time I try to think about the past, I go blank. Emotions start to roll over me. It is a place that I still cannot go easily. There are so many things buried behind a shroud of fog…things I cannot consciously remember or see. Apparently, though, some part of me can see something or else the emotions would not be there.
Of course, there is also the embarassment of being put on the spot. If someone needs something filled out right now and I need time to get calm and process whatever the heck is going on inside of me…well, I end feeling about one inch tall and I want so badly to just become invisible.
I may have to apply for Food Stamps. The very thought starts a battle raging inside. At least I do know where some of that battle is coming from…or should I say where some of that fear is coming from. For that is exactly what it is…fear. Amplified fear. Compounded until it grows so big that it feels as if it will choke me.
Hmmm…did someone say Post Traumatic Stress???

Fragility, PTSD and Stupidity
August 20, 2008There are things that I really hate about me. Fragility is one of them. I hate feeling so breakable…so dang fragile. That is how I feel when I see an email coming in and my heart starts racing, wondering what I am going to face within it. I hate not wanting to read it.
I hate feeling like I must read it…when I am fearful of what I might find in the words. It is hard to walk around with questions. It is hard to walk away, wondering what positive thing I might have missed because I was fearful of seeing something negative. So my mind and heart start tossing the possibilities around and my body starts to shake. I hate that my PTSD can sometimes get stirred up so easily. It makes it so much harder to deal with anything.
I am so tired of feeling like I am finally getting things calmed down inside…settled and stabilized…and all it takes is an email notification to set everything off again. It makes me want to block emails. Yet, I cannot really do that, either. I am, forever, the optimist…always hoping that things will work out. Maybe I am just plain stupid? I don’t know. Is it dumb to keep hoping? and praying? Am I a glutton for punishment? Maybe I am masochistic? I don’t know.
My thoughts and feelings whirl around inside. Wondering. Hoping. Fearful. Everything gets all stirred up. Will there be a blast of anger? Will there be an olive branch? Will there be more tearful hurts expressed? Will there be some sort of understanding? Will it look as if it is a response to something I did not write, do not believe, etc.? Will what is written lift me up? Or slam me to the ground? Do I take a chance on reading it? Do I take a chance on not reading it?
I hate being stuck between two hard places. I hate having to decide whether to read or not. I hate facing another possible misunderstanding that I know I just cannot fix. I give up. If that makes me weak…OK. If that makes me a quitter and a runner…OK. I can live with that. Even if it makes me a b***ch…I can live with that. What I am only matters in God’s heart. Right now, I just want the shaking to stop…and I don’t want to med up.
I cannot fix things. No matter how hard I try…there are some things I just cannot fix…and I just cannot emotionally handle persisting. I have to walk away…for everyone’s good. I don’t want to inflict more pain on top of what I am told I have already inflicted. I would rather run the other way and leave us all to run to Him and let Him sort things out.
I just cannot keep trying.
I am broken.
I am fragile.
I am at a loss.
No blame.
No games.
Just reality.
My reality.
I just want peace…even if that peace means separation.
I am learning that some things just may not be worth fighting for.
Sometimes…the cost is just too dang high.
*sigh*
Abba, please take this shaking away. I just don’t know how much more my body and emotions can handle. I give it to You…the only One who can fix some things. Please forgive me for trying to fix it myself. Forgive my stupidity and my audacity. Forgive me for going where even angels may wisely fear to tread. Forgive me for thinking that I could somehow set things right. Forgive me for my mistaken sense of duty…and for my mistaking it for loyalty and love. Forgive me for hurting others in the process of acting out of my own apparently misguided sense of what it means to be friends. Forgive me for presuming to think that I know what real friendship is…and real sisterhood. I need You to teach me the truth about all of those things. Please take my tears and use them to water something good. Please make something good grow.

God is Good and Calling Home
July 20, 2008Life is good. Yahweh God is good. He is what makes life good. Otherwise, there really isn’t much this world has to offer to me. I see what is happening all around me. Things are coming to a head and we had all better be ready. I mean ready in the spiritual sense because I really don’t believe there is much we can do in the physical.
This world is running on a plan. Evil has a plan, and it will appear to work for awhile. Then it will fail. Yahweh God, who made all things, will always be the ultimate victor. He is more powerful than anyone, or anything, on this earth. Count on it! I eagerly await Yeshua/Jesus’ return.
My family wants me to reconnect with them. Call “home”. Check in. It is not going to happen. If it does, it will be on my terms, not theirs. Until Yahweh God makes it very clear that I am to call them, I won’t. Period. End of subject.
I have just gone through about a month of reconnect programming being triggered with several days this week being the strongest. Well, it did not work. Yahweh God is protecting me. He has shown me His protection, even to the point of sending angels (seen by someone else).
The one time I did get accessed, by a local therapist, it was because I was confused about what I was hearing inside. I saw the danger signs but did not properly interpret them. Still, He was there with me. He allowed me to realize what happened and taught me through it. I am wiser now. He turned it around for my good. Nothing happens without His either causing it or allowing it. I choose to trust Him for whatever happens…good or bad.
Several times He has clearly given me directions to keep me safe. I will keep on listening to Him and learning to hear Him better. If I am taken, He will use it somehow for my ultimate good, like teaching me. He will show Himself strong in me.
I will NOT fear!