Fear versus Caution

As an SRA survivor, there isn’t a whole lot life can throw at me that is as bad as what I have already been through. Am I cautious? Sure! I am not checking my brain at the door. But am I afraid? Nope! I know to Whom I belong and, even if I were to die, I know where I am going. And it things get bad economically, I know who my Provider is. The same G-D that got me through all the rest of life, will get me through this.

Triggers and Blow-ups and Talking About Things

We had a blow up at our home this morning. It was nobody’s fault and both of our faults. It was scary for me…as major disagreements typically are. Thankfully, we don’t have them very often. In fact, you could almost say they are rare, even with the increase due to our living situation. It is pretty amazing…truly a G-d thing.

BUT…back to this morning. Even though I KNOW that he is totally committed and would never leave…the fear hits when he walks out the door. Is he going outside to work on something? Or is he going to leave? Mind you…he has never left…but the fear still comes up.

I prayed a lot this morning…for wisdom…to be changed…to understand…for us. The whole thing felt overwhelming and I felt helpless…and maybe even a bit of hopelessness started to creep in there, too. The good thing is that we were able to have a good talk later. We have very little privacy which means that we cannot typically get things out in a timely manner. So things build up. That does not help.

Hopefully, our living situation will change within the next few months…at least before the next winter. That will help a LOT…but it won’t solve everything. It will give us privacy to talk. Privacy for me to work more on my healing. Privacy for us to work more on being a husband and wife. (That brings up a lot of mixed emotions…but more about that in another post.) It will be easier on our son, too…and just all the way around.

Everyone who knows our situation has told me that there is NO way they could have done it.  Well…we can’t, either. As I said…it is a G-d thing. It is only with the grace and mercy of Yahweh who gets us through that we are able to do it.

Anyway…I was able to share how I had been triggered in a huge way yesterday. He knew about the previous one, but not this one. It is good that he knows…that he is able to understand…at least somewhat. The fact that I could even talk about it so soon is a miracle. I guess it shows that I am farther along than I thought.

I am definitely better today. It is good that I was able to explain how and why I got triggered and why it is next to impossible to talk about when it happens. It is really difficult to share when I feel as if I am in a lose/lose…not that he makes it so…but that is how I hear it…how I experience it.

So many times, he can say something and I hear it totally differently than he meant it. And that goes both ways. Although he is not a ritual abuse survivor…he does have his own stuff. His father was abusive and his parents eventually divorced.  My parents stayed together and both were perpetrators. So much for family stability!

Triggers can happen in so many ways…like the way I start to feel like a small child when I get really sick or if I am physically hurt. I am there. I don’t lose continuity, but I am emotionally oftentimes like a child who is struggling to behave like an adult. Which brings me to another part of our living situation. I have to hide that I am triggered. There is no safe place to just emote and let it out. So I struggle not only with being triggered, but also with feeling like I have to hide it. This, too, we talked about this morning. It does not change anything…but it is good to at least talk about it.

In spite of the rough start…today was a good day.

Questions…most likely without answers

OK…I’m a survivor. I have been through worse…so why am I so freaking out because of people coming over to help tomorrow???? I am fighting tears and want to just shake.  Why do I care what others think? Why do I feel so dang vulnerable? Why do I have to be so freaking out??? People are being nice…and I am afraid. I am embarrassed at how we have had to live. The place is a mess. A mining camp one guy described it as. I think he was being nice. I have no control over what others do. We have all been feeling so overwhelmed…overwhelmed to the point of almost giving up with trying to make this place look decent. We have a tiny living space…no real storage that is conveniently accessible. Everything is in bins scattered everywhere outside. Well…actually…a lot of it is bins. There are also things out of bins. So, people are coming to help so that a house of some kind can be built. They are helping and I am freaking. Arggggg!!!!

Filling Out Forms

OK…so do you ever have days when you just struggle so hard to do something? This morning was like that. It was a technical problem with our PC’s and a recent upgrade. Needless to say…I was in tears. I get really tired of it being so difficult at times to deal with things. I like being able to pick up the telephone and call the company and get help. Instead, they make you, use chats, send email or fill out forms and jump through hoops. Some things are just not that easily explained in a “chat”  or email or online form.

Forms…oh, how I HATE to fill out forms or paperwork of any kind. It is not just that I hate the inconvenience. For whatever reason, I find them to be triggering. I see forms and I just want to shut down. It is like I suddenly feel like this little child who is totally overwhelmed and who does not know what to do.

Hmmm…I wonder if there is a memory tied to this somewhere inside. There has to be a reason why I react so strongly to filling out forms. There seems to be a switch taking place. Why? There are times when I am literally sailing into a panic attack. I usually keep it hidden, although sometimes I do end up silent tears which I surreptitiously try to wipe away because I feel like such a baby. It is embarrassing.

I know one thing about forms that is very triggering…asking anything about my growing up years or the past. Any time I try to think about the past, I go blank. Emotions start to roll over me. It is a place that I still cannot go easily. There are so many things buried behind a shroud of fog…things I cannot consciously remember or see. Apparently, though, some part of me can see something or else the emotions would not be there.

Of course, there is also the embarassment of being put on the spot. If someone needs something filled out right now and I need time to get calm and process whatever the heck is going on inside of me…well, I end feeling about one inch tall and I want so badly to just become invisible.

I may have to apply for Food Stamps. The very thought starts a battle raging inside. At least I do know where some of that battle is coming from…or should I say where some of that fear is coming from. For that is exactly what it is…fear. Amplified fear. Compounded until it grows so big that it feels as if it will choke me.

Hmmm…did someone say Post Traumatic Stress???

Fragility, PTSD and Stupidity

There are things that I really hate about me. Fragility is one of them. I hate feeling so breakable…so dang fragile. That is how I feel when I see an email coming in and my heart starts racing, wondering what I am going to face within it. I hate not wanting to read it.

I hate feeling like I must read it…when I am fearful of what I might find in the words. It is hard to walk around with questions. It is hard to walk away, wondering what positive thing I might have missed because I was fearful of seeing something negative. So my mind and heart start tossing the possibilities around and my body starts to shake. I hate that my PTSD can sometimes get stirred up so easily. It makes it so much harder to deal with anything.

I am so tired of feeling like I am finally getting things calmed down inside…settled and stabilized…and all it takes is an email notification to set everything off again. It makes me want to block emails. Yet, I cannot really do that, either. I am, forever, the optimist…always hoping that things will work out. Maybe I am just plain stupid? I don’t know. Is it dumb to keep hoping? and praying? Am I a glutton for punishment? Maybe I am masochistic? I don’t know.

My thoughts and feelings whirl around inside. Wondering. Hoping. Fearful. Everything gets all stirred up. Will there be a blast of anger? Will there be an olive branch? Will there be more tearful hurts expressed? Will there be some sort of understanding? Will it look as if it is a response to something I did not write, do not believe, etc.? Will what is written lift me up? Or slam me to the ground? Do I take a chance on reading it? Do I take a chance on not reading it?

I hate being stuck between two hard places. I hate having to decide whether to read or not. I hate facing another possible misunderstanding that I know I just cannot fix. I give up. If that makes me weak…OK. If that makes me a quitter and a runner…OK. I can live with that. Even if it makes me a b***ch…I can live with that. What I am only matters in God’s heart. Right now, I just want the shaking to stop…and I don’t want to med up.

I cannot fix things. No matter how hard I try…there are some things I just cannot fix…and I just cannot emotionally handle persisting. I have to walk away…for everyone’s good. I don’t want to inflict more pain on top of what I am told I have already inflicted. I would rather run the other way and leave us all to run to Him and let Him sort things out.

I just cannot keep trying.
I am broken.
I am fragile.
I am at a loss.
No blame.
No games.
Just reality.
My reality.
I just want peace…even if that peace means separation.

I am learning that some things just may not be worth fighting for.
Sometimes…the cost is just too dang high.
*sigh*

Abba, please take this shaking away. I just don’t know how much more my body and emotions can handle. I give it to You…the only One who can fix some things. Please forgive me for trying to fix it myself. Forgive my stupidity and my audacity. Forgive me for going where even angels may wisely fear to tread. Forgive me for thinking that I could somehow set things right. Forgive me for my mistaken sense of duty…and for my mistaking it for loyalty and love. Forgive me for hurting others in the process of acting out of my own apparently misguided sense of what it means to be friends. Forgive me for presuming to think that I know what real friendship is…and real sisterhood. I need You to teach me the truth about all of those things. Please take my tears and use them to water something good. Please make something good grow.

God is Good and Calling Home

Life is good. Yahweh God is good. He is what makes life good. Otherwise, there really isn’t much this world has to offer to me. I see what is happening all around me. Things are coming to a head and we had all better be ready. I mean ready in the spiritual sense because I really don’t believe there is much we can do in the physical.

This world is running on a plan. Evil has a plan, and it will appear to work for awhile. Then it will fail. Yahweh God, who made all things, will always be the ultimate victor. He is more powerful than anyone, or anything, on this earth. Count on it! I eagerly await Yeshua/Jesus’ return.

My family wants me to reconnect with them. Call “home”. Check in. It is not going to happen. If it does, it will be on my terms, not theirs. Until Yahweh God makes it very clear that I am to call them, I won’t. Period. End of subject.

I have just gone through about a month of reconnect programming being triggered with several days this week being the strongest. Well, it did not work. Yahweh God is protecting me. He has shown me His protection, even to the point of sending angels (seen by someone else).

The one time I did get accessed, by a local therapist, it was because I was confused about what I was hearing inside. I saw the danger signs but did not properly interpret them. Still, He was there with me. He allowed me to realize what happened and taught me through it. I am wiser now. He turned it around for my good. Nothing happens without His either causing it or allowing it. I choose to trust Him for whatever happens…good or bad.

Several times He has clearly given me directions to keep me safe. I will keep on listening to Him and learning to hear Him better. If I am taken, He will use it somehow for my ultimate good, like teaching me. He will show Himself strong in me.

I will NOT fear!

Being a Truth Teller

I have been called a “truth teller” by one of my t’s. I tenaciously seek truth. I want to live my life by truth. I want truth in the little things, not just in the big things. I hate hearing a story about a plane that went down in Brazil and then hearing the same story…only the plane went down in Paraquay (if it is a true story). Yes, that can make me a pain in the arse and I have learned to let go of a lot of that…so as to not be annoying. *smile*

When I examine myself, I try to see everything I can see for I know that I can be deceived and I can deceive myself. My processing, when I journal, is one of boldly going from one thought to the next and seeing where it will take me. I make connections between things and uncover things and discover things. Others who have read my processing have said that they love watching the progression of thought. They understand what I am doing.

I AM stickler for details. But you know what? If I don’t take care to value the truth in ALL situations, regardless of how important they are, how can I be trusted to value it at all? I think of Yeshua saying “He who is faithful in a very little is faithful also in much. He who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much.” I know He was talking about money there, but I truly believe that applies to all of life. Would I want to entrust my money to one who had a tendency to not be 100% truthful? Of course not! I know I don’t always get it right, but I do take pains to try and make sure, to the best of my ability, that I get every detail as correctly as I can.

I have a dear friend who has insisted that it is OK to exaggerate to make a point. He is finally getting it that exaggeration is just another form of lying. Either the statement is true as it is spoken…or it is not. If it is not…it is a lie. Real truth does not NEED exaggeration! It stands on its own merit.

It annoys me when I hear people twist things and slant things so that it ends up sounding like something it is not. Ironically, I have been accused of doing that very thing! But the ones who are closest to me…the ones who see what my accusers do not…the ones who live with me and work with me…they don’t see me doing that. Yes, they do see my imperfectness…of which there is much. Yes, they do see me misunderstand things at times. Yet, they also see me persist in seeking it out until I DO understand. I will wrestle with things…even hard things…until I can get to what is truth. Even so, I will bring the statements made against me to them. Perhaps, I am missing something. It is easy to be blind to our own stuff…so easy. *sigh*

I was told by one of my pastors yesterday morning that he was impressed with how I don’t just hit reply and kick off a “regrettable response”. I chew on it. I think on it. I pray on it. When necessary, I seek counsel on it. I don’t just assume that I know best and then run with that. I dig it out.

Being a truth teller can be very hard. I did not ask to be this way. Yet, I would rather be known for this than to be known for being unreliable in what I say. Yahweh has had to give me courage to speak up, even when I am trembling with fear. So many times, after I have asked questions in a group, or pointed out things, others in the group said they were SO grateful that I did. They actually came out and said “thank you”! They shared how they were wondering the same thing…or thought the same thing, but were too timid or afraid to ask it or say it. This has happened many times.

I take the chances. I take the risk of getting hit for pointing out things that others might not want pointed out. I do this because it is the right thing to do.

Ah…the right thing to do…that could be the subject of another post…as I am wrestling right now with that very issue. But even the “right thing to do” ends up being decided upon a foundation of truth. We cannot decide the right thing if we do not work from a position of truth.