Posts Tagged ‘feeling alone’

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I Had a Dream

January 5, 2012

Wow. This was originally written on May 4, 2010. Instead of posting it, I turned it into a draft. I am not sure why I did not put it out there back then. Could it be that I felt it made me feel too vulnerable? Perhaps. I think I have moved beyond these feelings now, but I am going to share this dream anyway. I am sure others may relate and these feelings may just come back.

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I had a dream last night. I was actively interacting with other people. We were outside…a parking lot? Whatever it was…it was paved. Whatever we were doing…it was no big deal. I mean…it is not like it was some kind of hard work. It was something social…but I am just not sure what it was specifically.

I was fighting to keep going…to keep participating. I felt so weary inside…so stretched. I just wanted to lie down…to stop being needed…just for a bit. I wanted…I needed…to be ministered to by others. I needed others to just know what I was going through and be there for me.

I finally allowed myself to start sliding to ground. On the way down, I heard it all over again. You will scare people. They won’t understand. They will just think you are being overly dramatic. Still…I decided to dare to take a chance.

So, I allowed myself to hit the ground…all the while feeling “guilty” about showing my own need. I just had to see what would happen if I shared my exhaustion…my pain…my struggle.

What happened? Nothing. I was completely ignored.

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What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

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