Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

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No Word…Yet…

June 30, 2010

No word yet from the parents. I have no idea if they read their email every day or not. I suspect that at least one of them does…but, hey…it has been a number of years since I last saw them or had any steady contact with them. I am not really expecting a quick response…if I even get one at all.

I am still toying with the idea of adding a poetry blog. Why a separate blog? Well…some people are into art…but not necessarily my thoughts. Some are into poetry…but not necessarily my art. I am thinking it might be good to keep it all separate. Also…some are triggered by images…but not so much words…which makes not mixing the art and the poetry a good idea…I think.

I don’t mind putting things in my regular blog here, too. I am just thinking it might be nice to be able to have things all in one place. I do have a place for poetry…but it is not a place I can point to from here because it might reveal my identity. That is NOT something I am ready to do. Anonymity gives me certain freedoms of expression. I do not want to lose that.

I am not sure how I “feel” today. I sense the possibility of tears just beneath the surface. That is one difficult thing about living with others. I tend to hide what I am feeling…sometimes even from myself. In my attempts to not let things spill out onto others…I push them away and bury them. I make myself blind to myself. And that just does not really seem like a good place to be…ya know?

In this setting it is even tougher…although, with the guys outside for a bit I do get a little bit of freedom. Thing is…I never know when they will be back. I really miss having my own art/PC/office/whatever room. Even in the new place…I won’t really have that. I am still going to have to take it all out after their bedtimes and pack it all up when I hit the sack. But, hey! I will have more space and more opportunities! I need to keep looking for that silver lining…for that bright side…for that blessing in the midst of seeming darkness. It is part of how I survive.

Well…my PC is not recognizing our new printer (gift from someone…woohoo!) So…I need to reboot. These are my thoughts right now. In 20 minutes…I will probably be thinking something completely different.

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What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

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How Do I Feel, a Webinar and Random Thoughts

April 13, 2010

That is the question that has haunted me most of my life. How do I feel? Most of the time I was clueless as to how I really felt. Taught all of my life to deny my feelings, I had no idea how to even really identify them…unless, of course, they were felt intensely. Anything that was not felt intensely, forget it. I had no idea what I was feeling. And intense feelings were verboten. Stuff. Hide. Deny. But do NOT feel…and, if you do…NEVER show it!

It took me a long time to get to the point of beginning to recognize feelings. One thing that helped me was locating lists of feeling words on the internet. As I looked over the lists, I found that I started to relate to them. Little by little, I started to connect what I was “feeling” to the words. I have used those word lists to do art projects to help get my feelings out of the deep well inside and up to my conscious mind.

I need to locate those lists on the internet again for a webinar I will be doing in August. As a non-artist, I will be showing how I used art in my healing and word lists are a part of that. I want to give the people who come to the webinar all the resources I can to help them.

So…how do I feel…right now? I am not sure. Ha! How is that for a typical answer? At the moment, I think I have reached a place of basic contentment. I am OK with my world. How long that will last…who knows? I am ready for my class today, so I guess that qualifies as “confident”? “Prepared”? Is “prepared” a feeling? I think maybe it is. I feel “ready”!

I am getting my hair cut today, so I feel “anticipation”. And, maybe, a bit “nervous”. I don’t have much hair and it is difficult to do much of anything with it. I am trying something a little bit different.

How have I been feeling lately? Well…I have been busy…trying to get some things done.  And that has left me feeling a bit “frustrated” at times. My CPU is not fast enough (big enough?) for the programs I need to run. Having to run only one or two programs at a time for this multi-tasking woman is frustrating. However, I am grateful to have my laptop and to be able to run them at all!

My living situation causes me to be frustrated at times…well…sometimes it is frustration, but mostly I think it is more like “resignation”. I have to remember (and accept) that there are things I simply cannot do in this environment. Looking ahead, hopefully our situation will change over the summer. That will be great…if it happens.

If it happens, it will make it easier for me to get photos of the artwork I will need to share in the webinar. If it does not, I may be scrambling to do it elsewhere. Timing can be everything. I hope we are not moving during webinar time. Yikes! So, I stay in today. While the future is floating around in my mind somewhere, I do not focus on it. I pay it just enough attention so that I will be prepared and ready when the times comes to do the webinar, but not enough attention that I begin to fret over things that are beyond my control. And, if I need to, I can put the webinar off.

I am actually doing pretty well for this time of year. As my birthday approaches, I am sure it will start to hit more. My birthday is the anniversary of my sister’s death…a death that may have been a warning to me. And, sometimes, I wonder if she is even really dead. It did not look like her and my father would not allow me to be alone with her. I know they can stage those things. Did they? Do they have her hidden somewhere? I hate to even think of it. So, I pray for her…just in case.

Anyway, these are random thoughts, some attempted expressions of feelings, a bit of an update. What I feel can change on a moment’s notice. So, I am going to post this before what I feel changes…again.

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Trying to See

August 15, 2008

I have been doing a lot of thinking…a lot of soul searching…and a lot of praying. It has caused me to look back over the last few months of posts I have made here…trying to see what I wrote with new eyes. I have become aware of the fact that a couple of persons are upset about some things I have written…persons that, as far as I knew, were no longer reading here. It was not my intent to upset anyone.

Something happened a couple of months or so ago that I have written about here…without naming names or places or giving any identifying information. I have written some of my thoughts and feelings and perspectives on it…just as I write my thoughts and feelings about all sorts of things that have happened in my life.

Since I have become aware that at least one of these persons has been continuing to read, and of the resulting feelings of upset, I figured that I really should take a look at what all I have written here since the whole thing happened.

Was what I wrote inappropriate? I don’t know…I don’t think so. If I had identified the persons involved, or made it obvious to others who they were, then yes, most definitely it would have been wrong. Still…if someone is that upset…I need to take a look at it. One can be “technically” right and yet “morally” wrong.

There are almost 50 posts that have been made since it happened. Of those posts, I could only find direct references to what happened in about a half dozen posts. I have not deleted any.

There are about a dozen other posts addressing some other topics. When I wrote about those topics, I drew from all sorts of things I have experienced over the years, including the incident these persons are referring to. So, yes, there are some references, most pretty vague, that consist of anywhere from one sentence to a handful of sentences, within these other topic posts. Even as I reread them, they did not bring the incident to mind for me…other than the few sentences here and there. I know that the incident was not foremost in my mind at the time that I wrote them.

Until the other day, I had not written directly about it for over a month and indirectly only once that I can find. I am saddened that anyone is upset by what I write…especially when I actually wrote so little about it. Unless something happens to trigger my thoughts and feelings in that direction, I see no reason to write about it specifically any more.

That does not mean that there may not be aspects of it that won’t get written about simply because life is like that. One thing overflows into another. There are many common experiences and feelings among people in general and among survivors in particular. It would be difficult to write about much of anything without someone seeing themselves in it somewhere. I often see myself in what others write.

I don’t really know what more I can do.

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It Feels Good!

July 6, 2008

It feels good to move forward…to take positive steps for myself.

It feels good to know that I am growing inside.

It feels good to know that I can set healthy boundaries…and still love the ones I am setting them with.

It also feels good to feel stronger. Each step I take forward makes me stronger. And I know Who it is that helps me do that. I know that I cannot do it on my own.

It feels good to be able to give and receive support.

It feels good to know that I am loved and cared for.

It feels good to be able to love and care for others.

It feels good to be able to keep on facing the past without letting it hold me back from the future.

It feels good to be able to write things that others actually enjoy reading.

In fact, it feels good to be able to write things that I enjoy reading! Like my poetry!

It feels good to know that I am not alone…even though there are times when I still find myself feeling very isolated and alone.

It feels good to know that I do not have to live by feelings even though I am sometimes overwhelmed to the point of feeling incapacitated by them.

I know that all things eventually pass. Life is up and down. There will be good days and bad days. Up days and down days. I won’t have all good days, but neither will I have all bad days!

It feels good to be able to face life, knowing that Yahweh God has all things in His hands. He is allowing things in my life to help me grow strong. He is bringing people into my life to help me…and people for me to help. And that, too, feels really good!

I am grateful for what I have.

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May 12, 2008

I feel very broken and very unlovable. *tears*

I feel very stupid…very naive…very dumb.

I feel like a big blow it…and undeserving of any good thing.

Yet, I will cling to the fact that my Abba loves me…anyway.

He sees my heart…and loves me anyway.

I am His daughter, no matter how imperfect I am.

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Feelings?

April 21, 2008

I am not sure how to express how I feel right now. In fact, maybe what I am most not sure of is how I feel. Then again, maybe how/what I feel is unimportant. Whatever it is will pass. All things pass. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, being faithful, as best I can, to do what is in front of me to do.

And it does not matter if anyone else understands what I do, or why I do it. I need to guard my heart and mind in Yeshua/Jesus. I need to keep placing my life in His hands and not taking it back.

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