Posts Tagged ‘fighting back’

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Fighting? Quitting? Choices!

October 17, 2009

OK…there are choices to be made…especially when life is hitting really hard. I can give up…or I can fight. I have to almost laugh because I have never really quite figured out what “giving up” looks like. The only thing I really know how to do is fight. I might be fighting on my hands and knees. I might be fighting curled up in a ball. I might be fighting simply by getting out of bed in the morning. I might be fighting by choosing to live life to the fullest that I can.

Fighting might mean making a phone call. Fighting might mean taking SamE. Fighting might mean writing or praying or studying or listening or any of the other things I might try to do to cope. It might mean sitting quietly. It might mean talking about the abuse and trying to educate others. It might mean just riding things out. It might mean never giving up my trust in my Creator.

Whatever form it takes…I know how to fight. I just don’t know how to quit.

I do know to walk away from things. It is especially important to walk away from unhealthy things…or things that make it worse. I also know how to run away…in the positive sense that I should run as fast and as far as I can from those people and things that drag me down. Walking away and running away (in this sense) are not quitting. So, what exactly IS quitting? I really don’t know.

Is it going catatonic? Can’t imagine going there. Well, let me correct that…I CAN imagine it. Thing is…I don’t like what I imagine about it. I don’t like giving up control. Nope…not for me. Is it not getting up in the morning? Well, having a son to teach makes that not workable. He means too much to me. He means enough to get me out of bed in the morning…even when I am tired and my back is aching.

Perhaps it means becoming a grumpus who snaps at everyone around me. Well…I cannot honestly say that I have not been that at times. Thing is…I love my guys too much to remain that way. I also love myself too much to remain that way. And then there is another aspect to that, too. If I stay in that mode of thinking, I start to spiral down into hopelessness and helplessness…which is a dangerous place for me to be.

So…I will fight…and I will continue to fight for as long as it takes. I will not quit. I will not give up. I might have to give up some of my desires in life…but I will not give up on life itself. Nor will I give up on healing or on myself. I will not give up on the Creator, either.

I will fight!

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Step One Taken

September 1, 2009

I called the state licensing board and got…again…the info on filing a complaint. Apparently, you no longer have to live in the state to file a complaint. Now I need to either find what I had before…or rewrite something up. I need strength to do this…as it is difficult to not be very triggered and get very emotional as I think all of this through…again. I have to face it all again in order to write it out. Talk about PTSD! Ack!!!

I know that this will ultimate bring about healing…but I also know I will go through more hell before it is over.

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Am I Strong…Enough?…or When a Therapist is Evil

September 1, 2009

I have been reminded of some things lately…things from almost four years ago. I tried to do something about it then, but the regulations in place at that time didn’t really allow for that. I was encouraged to go ahead and send in my story, but I was moving and shelved it for the time being. Now, it is all coming up again.

Actually, it has been coming up again. A few months ago, a friend pointed me to a site that just kind of threw it all in my face again. I know that was not her intent. She wanted me to see what was being written that had to do with what I went through. She wanted me to see what was being shared.

Talk about being triggered. As I read what others wrote…about ME…it was like being hit all over again. I know the truth. There are others who know the truth…including the real perps who did it all…or who took advantage of things that would have happened anyway and blamed me for them. However, I have friends (former?) out there who still think I tried to do serious harm to them…all because of someone impersonating me.

As I sit here, I want to cry…again…for the God only knows (literally) how manieth time. Life is hard enough without having this come up again. Yet…it needs to be done.

I have been working lately on reclaiming my online system name. I am tired of wondering if people will hear it and wonder if I am THAT **** who they had heard about and did all those horrible things. I am tired of being afraid. Those who have gotten to know me…know, when they hear the stories, that it could not possibly be me. They have seen my heart…and that kind of evil just isn’t there.

Oh, I know…there are those who try to say that anyone who is dissociative is capable of great evil. However, there are always indicators…signs of something else being there. I have none…have had none. My therapist at the time this all came down had been keeping a watchful eye over me for a few years…reading TONS of journaling. Nope…no indicators. She had been looking for them all that time and could find none.

There are therapists out there who lie and manipulate to get what they want. What is ironic is when they accuse others of doing what they, themselves do. Or…better yet, when their own clients write articles all about how perps work…and they are either too blind to see that they are describing their own therapist…or else…maybe they are a part of it.

I know it can rock your world to find out that your therapist is evil. My heart goes out to those still associated with her.  More and more I hear about the hurts this woman has caused and is causing. And some of  her clients, too. I guess it stands to reason that this woman is teaching her clients, especially her forum moderators, well. They are being just like her.

I know we live in a sin filled fallen world…yet it never ceases to amaze me just how hateful, spiteful, uncaring and downright mean some people can be. They need to get a life…a REAL life! One that is filled with unselfish purpose and joy. Even in the midst of my pain, I can still experience some joy and some peace.

Anyway…reclaiming my system name is a huge thing for me.  It is mine and reflects something about who I am. A good name is worth more than silver or gold. This is my reputation. I just wish that O would fess up to her part in all this. That would sure make the rest a lot easier. I also wish those who were behind the scenes at that time would open up and be willing to share.

So what timing. I am working on reclaiming my system name and others are actually filing complaints against this woman…and, from what I hear…not just clients. I am being asked to tell my story. I am sick of this woman hurting people. It really needs to stop. I need to do this. Am I strong enough? I know my strength can only come from Adonai. I will do this. I must do this. If not for myself…then for the others.

Abba, please help me!

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