Posts Tagged ‘fighting’

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Fighting? Quitting? Choices!

October 17, 2009

OK…there are choices to be made…especially when life is hitting really hard. I can give up…or I can fight. I have to almost laugh because I have never really quite figured out what “giving up” looks like. The only thing I really know how to do is fight. I might be fighting on my hands and knees. I might be fighting curled up in a ball. I might be fighting simply by getting out of bed in the morning. I might be fighting by choosing to live life to the fullest that I can.

Fighting might mean making a phone call. Fighting might mean taking SamE. Fighting might mean writing or praying or studying or listening or any of the other things I might try to do to cope. It might mean sitting quietly. It might mean talking about the abuse and trying to educate others. It might mean just riding things out. It might mean never giving up my trust in my Creator.

Whatever form it takes…I know how to fight. I just don’t know how to quit.

I do know to walk away from things. It is especially important to walk away from unhealthy things…or things that make it worse. I also know how to run away…in the positive sense that I should run as fast and as far as I can from those people and things that drag me down. Walking away and running away (in this sense) are not quitting. So, what exactly IS quitting? I really don’t know.

Is it going catatonic? Can’t imagine going there. Well, let me correct that…I CAN imagine it. Thing is…I don’t like what I imagine about it. I don’t like giving up control. Nope…not for me. Is it not getting up in the morning? Well, having a son to teach makes that not workable. He means too much to me. He means enough to get me out of bed in the morning…even when I am tired and my back is aching.

Perhaps it means becoming a grumpus who snaps at everyone around me. Well…I cannot honestly say that I have not been that at times. Thing is…I love my guys too much to remain that way. I also love myself too much to remain that way. And then there is another aspect to that, too. If I stay in that mode of thinking, I start to spiral down into hopelessness and helplessness…which is a dangerous place for me to be.

So…I will fight…and I will continue to fight for as long as it takes. I will not quit. I will not give up. I might have to give up some of my desires in life…but I will not give up on life itself. Nor will I give up on healing or on myself. I will not give up on the Creator, either.

I will fight!

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Feeling Positive

August 18, 2008

I am approaching a time of year when it is typically more difficult for me, due to being a cult survivor. Yet, I am also growing. Yes, I sense the struggle beginning to take place within. However, this time of year is only one part of my life. It is NOT my whole life! I refuse to let it be my whole life!

I am choosing to make sure that my focus is not so totally on what is starting to happen that I neglect to feel good and positive about other areas of my life. I am moving forward in some areas. That is exciting.

So, regardless of what this time of year brings…I am looking up! I am moving forward. I am not going to let my upcoming struggles keep me in the dark. Even when I find myself reeling under the enormity of things, I will also keep my eyes on the positive steps I am taking in my life!

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The Human Spirit

August 13, 2008

I am amazed at the human spirit. We just keep pushing on and pushing on, determined to get where we are going. Why? What drives us? I am not always even sure what drives me. I know I want to be free. I want to be all that I was created to be. Then, too, I hate the idea that the perps get to win. I think that is part of what drives me when nothing else will. I refuse to give them anything!

I know they lose in the end…but I want them to lose NOW! I want them to see me walking in freedom…unafraid…unencumbered by all that they did to me! I may not get totally there, but I sure am going to work on it until the day I die!

They will NOT win! They have NOT won! They have already lost…whether they know it or not! I was created with a purpose. The Creator of the universe gave me that purpose and He is fully able to help me to walk in it…whether I totally understand it or not.

I am very grateful for His protection and for His love toward me. He has brought me through many things…many things. He continues to do so. Life is full of life lessons…things to learn about myself, about Yahweh, about others. I will keep on learning.

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