Posts Tagged ‘finding joy’

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Finding Joy in Life, Part 2

October 26, 2009

This is continuing from Finding Joy in Life, Part 1.

But let’s get back to whether or not I can be happy and carefree…whether I can just enjoy life. Yes…I can…with limitations. My current living situation is extremely draining. That definitely makes it harder to enjoy life…but not impossible. Again…so much depends upon attitude. At times, I have to really work at finding things to be grateful for and to enjoy about life, but I do.

The biggest struggle, though, comes from what I know about what is going on in the world. Once I started to get my SRA memories back, that really changed things for me. Ironically, I already knew a lot of what was going on, but now it was personal. It is more difficult to ignore it.

I have survivor friends who suffer far more than I…at least to my way of thinking. They might disagree with me, but I think I have a pretty strong argument in my favor. Add to that the fact that I am way more aware of what is happening out there in the realm of ritual abuse. This is especially the case during this time of year.

October 31st is the highest “sabbath” for the satanic realm. The months leading up to that are involved with selection and preparation of the children who will die during the days surrounding that day. Yes…it is more difficult to just enjoy life when I know that is going on. And when I CAN push that aside? Well…then I start to feel guilty for being able to do that…as if I am somehow betraying those who still suffer or who will die at the hands of the cults. That is what led to the post Tough Time of Year and Survivor Guilt.

I am also aware of the fact that this area is filled with a lot of cult activity. There is a Masonic lodge in almost every single town…even the tiny ones. Most towns were founded by high ranking Masons. It is ironic that it should bother me so much here seeing as how, where I lived before, I was only about 5 to 10 minutes away from a Masonic compound. And I do mean compound, complete with keypad locks and Constantina wire on top of the fence. Gee whiz…wonder what they would need that kind of security for!

Perhaps it is also because we are so rural here. Being rural gives us privacy…sort of (we are not THAT rural), but it also causes me to feel more vulnerable. Here…like back there…I have to trust my Creator for protection…a protection I have actually seen Him do more than once.

I have always been very aware of the darkness, but there are times and places in which I am more sensitive to it. There are times and places in which my PTSD is felt more…when I am triggered more easily. It is during those times and in those places where it is more difficulty to just feel at ease and enjoy life. However, that does not mean that it is impossible to feel a deep inner sense of peace and joy. Although I may feel the strains of this life, I do have the joy and peace of knowing what is coming in the next. I know that my Lord and Creator walks with me through all of this…even when the PTSD is raging.

I have had to write this over several days with LOTS of interruptions, so…I hope this makes sense! I know that I have covered a LOT of different things in these two posts…things that probably should really have whole posts in themselves. If I can find the time, perhaps I will write more about those individual things. In the meantime, others are welcome to comment or ask questions. I welcome discussion and ideas for more posts.

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Finding Joy in Life, Part 1

October 26, 2009

This is turning into a rather long post, so I am going to split it up into two.

After reading Tough Time of Year and Survivor Guilt, a dear friend asked me a question: is it difficult to EVER let yourself be happy and carefree? She understands that I struggle with my background.

Well…the answer to that is “yes”…and “no”. I don’t know if I can adequately explain this, but I’ll try.

Even though the huge majority of my life has been filled with struggles, I have found many times when I would just enjoy living. Sometimes it was only for moments…an afternoon or even a day…especially in the darkest times. Sometimes, though, there have actually been short periods of time when I was able to feel more joy. During those periods of time, it was not that life was completely free of struggles. It was just that the struggles were in the minority.

I think it also important to distinguish between happiness and joy. Happiness depends upon what is happening…circumstances. Joy is something I can have deep inside even when I am sad or unhappy on the outside. Joy comes from knowing who I am and that I have a Creator who loves me and who will, someday, bring me out of this temporary world filled with such a mix of beauty and evil to a forever place where evil is banished.

While I am still in this temporary world, though, so much depends upon my attitude. I have always worked hard at trying to see the positive side of things…of making the best with what I have. I haven’t always been successful at that, but I have tried. Even in the most negative of times when I questioned my very sanity and wondered if I would survive, I kept on trying to find something to be joyful about. And even in those times, I did find things. It was not easy. In fact, a lot of the time it was a battle. I had to fight.

Being able to see things to enjoy…even if they were very simple things…made life at least bearable. Sometimes it was the beauty of flowers, or of trees, or of the skies. Sometimes it was simply the fact that I had the ability to actually see those things…that my eyes worked. I guess what I am saying is that I found things to be grateful for even in the midst of the darker times. Finding something to enjoy and be grateful for was one of the things that kept me going in the really desperate of times.

Another thing that kept me going was acceptance. I worked very hard on simply accepting that this was my lot in life. That was another thing I was not able to do completely, which was actually a good thing. There did come a point in time when my Creator made it known that I had to get myself and my children out of the situation we were in. Had I been able to find total acceptance, I don’t know that I could have done that.

In addition, there are some things that simply are NOT acceptable. Recognizing that can be tricky, though. I mean…I am no better than anyone else. So, in that sense, I don’t deserve any better than anyone else…and there are many who had it far worse than I did. I am far from perfect. I have treated people badly at times, albeit not intentionally. Still, why should I deserve better? Especially if what was happening was the result of the choice I made in whom to marry? (There is a bit of a question as to how much of that was truly choice, but that is another story.)

Still, there are some things that are unacceptable…period. It does not matter who you are or what you have done…certain behaviours toward another person are plainly unacceptable. For example…being sexually abused and raped by your spouse. I know…some are saying “what”? How can one spouse rape another? Well…let me tell you. If one does not want sex and the other forces it…that is rape.

Beating someone is unacceptable. I am not talking here about a swat on the behind for discipline reasons here. I am talking about fists…about slapping…about shoving or pushing. That is not acceptable. Nor is mental/emotional abuse such as name calling, cussing someone out, putting a person down. No one deserves to be treated that way…NO ONE. It can be really tough.

Go to the next post. Finding Joy in Life, Part 2.

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