Posts Tagged ‘fitting in’

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Those Times in Life

July 7, 2009

This is one of those times in life when I am feeling like I am in transition. I am questioning where I belong. Yet, wondering where I belong seems to be something that all severe abuse survivors  persistently struggle with. Our sense of who we are, what value we have and where we fit in has been so struck down by the abuse.

Our abusers tried so hard to rob of us any self of worth and value. Yet, our Creator created us in His image. I mean…gosh…how much more value can you have??? Perhaps that is why they tried so hard to destroy that…because they are so out of touch with the Creator themselves. They do not see their own value and cannot stand for anyone else to have a sense of value.

Who are we? We are the Creator’s creation…the people He made…in the universe that He made. Elohim, the Creator, loves us so much that He not only made us in His image, but He gave us the free will to disobey the rules for safety and happiness that He gave us. Then…when we broke those rules, He sent a part of Himself down to take care of it. How much more value can we possibly have than that?

I am a daughter of the Most High God…Yahweh. He is Adonai-Tzva’ot! That makes me special. He says I am the apple of His eye.

They also tried to make me too fragile and messed up to be able to do much good. I was meant to be a drain on any congregation I am a part of…instead of an asset. The idea was also to make me always aware that I am different from others…to always feel uncomfortable and uncertain in any social setting that I might find myself in.  They wanted me teo always be off kilter emotionally and yes…even mentally.

What they neglected to count on, though, was the Spirit of the Living Creator that dwelt inside of me. They introduced me to Him when I was young…and I understood it enough to become one of His children. Since then, I have had the Holy Spirit living inside of me. On some level, that tempered the effects of the abuse. It did not nullify them, but it did cause the abuse to effect me in different ways than other abuse survivors I have met who did not come to know the Creator until much later in life.  My system was set up a bit differently.

I have occasionally met others who are like me…but only rarely. They, too, came to know Him very young in life and they have also experienced some of the same things that I have in their systems.

There is always the struggle to know where I fit in. It feels as if I really don’t fit in much of anywhere…even with other survivors. It is not their fault. I know many who have welcomed me. Yet…the feeling persists.

It is not simply a matter of belonging…it is also a matter of feeling comfortable.  For so many years I have felt very socially inept…and I DO mean inept. I was always terrified that I would say or do the wrong thing. It was a very crippling way to be. That is much, much better. However, I can still find myself getting triggered back into that mode.

No matter where I am I have to hide my deepest self from those around me. I even have to hide it from my spouse to some extent. Some of that is because we have no privacy in our living situation. That is supposed to change within the next few months.  When it does, though, I really have no idea how open I can be. I am so used to hiding…a LOT.

Will I ever truly feel as if I really belong with others? I really don’t know. Maybe. I mean…it is isn’t as bad as it used to be. The thing is…even if I do feel as if I “fit”…I still cannot share the deepest things about me because the average person simply would not understand. They might not even believe it. What a risk it is to share. Once shared…it can never be taken back. Do I risk sharing something about myself that can make me look like a freak to others?

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Feeling Overwhelmed…Again

July 1, 2009

I feel overwhelmed right now. I think my life is in transition and I am not sure just where I fit in or where I am to be.  Perhaps it is time to move out from at least one place I have been online. I don’t know. It does not feel as if I have much to offer there any more. Yet, every time I think of leaving, I see someone I can write to and someone I can touch. I don’t know. I need wisdom. I can only do so many things at once.

I really hope that, when my housing situation changes, it will make things easier. I suppose it does not help either that I am allergic to the area in which I live. It is not a pollen kind of thing. There is a micro-organism that lives around here. It makes me feel sick. Ick! *sigh*

Right now my head is sort of foggy and I am trying to think clearly. Emotionally, I feel overwhelmed. Perhaps it is flashbacks?  Probably. Earlier, I was almost doubled over with inside “pain”. Someone I know takes issue with calling it “pain”. He does not think, along with some others, that using words to describe physical symptoms should be used for emotional or mental ones. Their thinking is that it contributes to the idea that mental and emotional issues are “sicknesses”…physically caused.

I don’t know. I don’t really have a problem with it. I guess I could write that I felt/feel disturbed. I just know that what I feel inside can be so intense that it makes me literally want to double over…just like I do when I am in physical pain.

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Sometimes

April 23, 2009

Sometimes I wonder where I fit in. OK…I take that back. I actually wonder about that a lot. It sure would be nice if I could just not care…not even think about it. That, however, just does not seem to be my lot…at least not yet.

I thought I was actually fitting in pretty well in the congregation I am part of. Yet, recent events have caused an upheaval there, too. Events that were beyond my control. It did not help that I was not given information I needed…twice. Had I been given that, at least one of the events…the most serious one…would not have happened.

Oh, well. It is like anything else in life.  You just have to roll with it and hope for the best. Eventually, things will settle down. The big question is: where will we be when they do?

How interesting that this should come after the recent book review I did. At least the leadership in our congregation is trying to help…not hinder. For that, I am very grateful.

I think one of the really big things that I struggle with is that a couple that we thought we were hitting it off apparently has turned that idea off. Oh, well. Our Abba will work things out…one way or another. He will never leave us or forsake us. Hubby and I are grieving.

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