Posts Tagged ‘Good Grief’

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Two Right Answers?

July 9, 2011

In our Good Grief group meeting this last week, AR suggested that the two choices I have are both right. That neither one is wrong.

I can choose to take the emotional risk to once again call my parents. Or, I can choose to not take the risk…especially given the history and the next to zero chance that anything will have changed…and especially since my parents DO know how to contact me should they wish to actually connect.

We were talking about guilt…guilt over things we wish we had or had not said or done with the person we had lost. My focus right now is my mother who has melanoma. Although any relationship we once has been gone long ago, her death will bring a final end to any possibility of change.

My husband referred to it as “anticipated” guilt. I had shared how I am looking forward and wondering what decision I should make and whether it will be the right one. How can you know? One thing AR said is important is that we keep talking about the things we are experiencing surrounding the losses we have. Keep talking until we can work through it.

I have been pondering his comment that both decisions are right. In my mind, I kept feeling like I was being a wimp…too fearful to face my father’s abusive words. And what if my mother is somehow being controlled by my father? Forget that she was abusive, too!

In our last conversation, my mother admitted that it was being pushed aside for my son. She said she REALLY WANTED (her emphasis) for me to understand why that was…that it was IMPORTANT that I know. Then…no more contact. It could be manipulation. It could be that she actually let her guard down and got real for a couple of minutes. It could be all kinds of things.

I think it was really helpful for me to hear AR say that BOTH decisions were right….especially since he knows a lot more details than the other women in the group. He knows my parents are toxic for me from meeting with me previously.

I just want to do what is right, but having it pointed out that they KNOW the door is open…they KNOW they can write my hubby and my mother can write me…helped bring a more balanced perspective. It IS helpful to hear that from outside of myself.

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Moving Forward…Slowly, but Surely…

July 9, 2011

I have been going to Good Grief…a six week grief group. It is based upon the book by that name by Granger E. Westberg. He lists stages of grief…which I cannot list at the moment because I cannot get my hands on my book in this mess we call “home”.  I don’t mind because I am grateful to finally have a house to live in!

Oh, never mind…here is the book. Ten stages of grief, listed as chapters:
Stage One: We Are in a State of Shock
Stage Two: We Express Emotion
Stage Three: We Feel Depressed and Very Lonely
Stage Four: We May Experience Physical Symptoms of Distress
Stage Five: We May Become Panicky
Stage Six: We Feel a Sense of Guilt about the Loss
Stage Seven: We Are Filled With Anger and Resentment
Stage Eight: We Resist Returning
Stage Nine: Gradually Hope Comes Through
Stage Ten: We Struggle to Affirm Reality

We have discussed stages one through seven in group. What an interesting time it has been. I have not only been sharing about my mother/parents, but also about other losses I have/am experiencing. I was hoping to write more about it, but I have been very busy. It has not helped that I have had to share my laptop and I still don’t have a separate place set up where I can concentrate on my writing.

However, I will keep on trying…plugging along as I can! It is really helpful that AR already knows my history and has an idea of the issues involved with my parents. What a sick family I come from. I am trying to create a healthy family in the present.

It is late here and I must be getting to bed. I will be back. I realize it may seem as if I have fallen off the planet, but I have not. Besides…I can’t. I have to get ready to give another Survivorship Webinar in August…on journaling!

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