Posts Tagged ‘gratitude’

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Life Is Good…

September 26, 2015

Well, here I am! It has been two months since my last post. Other than some minor health issues, I am doing well. My youngest now has a car and a license and is going to get his certification in a field he desires. Hubby is back to work…with some health issues, but he seems to be making it OK. My life is headed into a different season than it has been.

Now, I should have more time for study, reading, writing, guitar playing and other things on my list…in between the resting I need to do for my health. With no vehicle, I will still be pretty much housebound unless my son takes me places. I am OK with that. Life is good. G-d is good.

How much I can actually do will depend on how much I can rest. Apparently, my body is fatigued from all the stresses I have been under for the last decade or so. It is now time to rest. I am OK with that. I am grateful to be alive.

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What is healing…

December 4, 2012

I am not really sure what healing looks like. I think it is different for each person. After years of looking at it, I still don’t have a solid definition, but I can share with you some things that sure look like healing for me.

Healing Is

Healing is being able to laugh…even in the midst of pain.

Healing is being able to cry…even when others are around.

Healing is being able to somewhat identify what I am feeling,
and hopefully…even being able to have an idea of WHY I am feeling it.

Healing is knowing when I need to decompress,
being able to identify safe places to decompress,
and then…doing it.

Healing is being able to sense whether a person or place is safe
And then being able to keep myself safe.

Healing is being able to find joy in life.

Healing is being able to see good things…even when bad things are happening.

Healing is being able to have gratitude for what I do have
rather than bemoaning what I don’t.

Healing is being able to be productive in some way every day
even if I am the only one who recognizes it.

Healing is being able to take a step forward,
no matter how tiny
and even if it is only in my heart.

Healing is being able to face some aspect of my past…without completely crumbling.

Healing is being able to recognize that some part of my history,
no matter how small or big,
no longer has a hold on me.

Healing is being able to make plans…and know that they might actually happen!

Healing is being able to say that I made it through
another minute,
another day,
another hour,
another week,
another month,
another year,
another anniversary,
another flashback,
another body memory,

Healing is having the freedom to fully unleash my creativity and
sing again,
play music again,
write again,
talk again,
share again.

Healing is being able to give without manipulation
and receive without manipulation
even more importantly… recognizing the difference.

Healing is being to allow myself to truly love
and open myself to the potential for heartache without fear,
knowing that I can rise above anything that happens.

Healing is allowing myself to trust others
and being trustworthy myself.

Healing is giving myself permission to live life to the fullest
without thinking much about healing or hurting or my history.
It is allowing myself to temporarily “forget” that I even have an abusive history.

Healing is knowing that I was a victim who dared to survive
and am now a survivor who dares to thrive.

Healing is being able to put words to my experiences,
words like
“rape”
and “sexual abuse”
and “incest”
and “satanic ritual abuse”.
And healing is to put them without capital letters because
I am bigger and taller and stronger than they are
and I refuse to give them capital letter power in my life.

Healing is being able to cry and know that I am OK
and everything will be alright.

Healing is being able to see my Creator’s love for me
even when I know I don’t deserve it.

Healing is being able to see His hand in my life…even during the most awful of experiences.

Healing is being able to see His protection and how He got me through.

I may think of more things to add to that list. As I do, I may edit

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Working Things Out(?) and Odds and Ends

April 24, 2009

Well…things seem to be working out OK at the congregation we fellowship with. The leaders want us there. I don’t know about everyone else, but I guess that will work itself out. I am not going to go into details here. It is too complicated and I am tired of even thinking about it.

I am very grateful that our leaders have stepped up to the plate, desiring to do things Yahweh’s way, unlike the leaders that Dr. Margaret Jones’ describes that she had to deal with. Boy am I glad! I would never wish on someone the things she experienced. You can read more about what she dealt with in her book which I reviewed here.  She also has a blog here.

I am not going to my therapist at the moment…sort of taking a bit of a break. I am OK with that.

Communication with my parents is as wierd as ever. I was really hoping that maybe things had changed, but I see no sign of that. How very sad. I really pray that they will find true peace and healing.

I don’t believe in holding grudges. Not against my parents. Not against those who have hurt me in and out of congregations/churches. Not against my ex or his family. Not against anyone. They will all have to answer to Yahweh for what they have done, just as I will have to answer for what I have done. I don’t know about all of them, but I know that I am covered by the gift of what Yeshua (Jesus) did for me. I am grateful for I know that I am so undeserving of any good thing. My sinfulness precludes that in a huge way.  So, I am grateful.

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Finding the Joy in Living

December 17, 2008

It is much easier to live life when I can find joy in it. It is easier to find joy when I can be thankful. Sometimes, especially when I am going through a period of darkness or struggle, it can be difficult to think of anything to be thankful for. It is in those times that I have to start with what seems like the smallest of things.

I may have to really choose to see something of beauty in the world around me…like a little flower in the midst of weeds. Or a patch of blue sky in the midst of the gray clouds. It might even be that last Autumn leaf that is still clinging to the branch… a picture of tenacity. I find that the more things…even little things…that I can find to be thankful for…the easier it is to find the bigger things.

There have been days in my life when it seemed like I was locked into darkness. I could not see even the tiniest bit of beauty. The skies were all gray. Most of the leaves were on the ground. There were no flowers…just dried up brown weeds. All I could see was the negative.

But then it would hit…I can see! There are some who cannot see that gray sky, or the blue the will eventually follow. They cannot see those weeds, or the flowers that will come in the spring. I can hear all the noises that I found so annoying. There are some cannot hear anything…not a whiny child, a car radio blaring or a lover’s sigh. I can walk among those trees so bare of leaves and devoid of color. There are some who cannot walk…some who cannot even leave their beds!

I found that, if I really chose to, I could find things in life to focus on that would cause me to feel joy.  At some point, as my heart would become filled with thankfulness, I would start to dwell upon the One I could thank for all these things. So, in the midst of finding joy in the darkness, I also find gratitude. In the midst of finding gratitude in a darkened world, I find the One to Whom I can express that gratitude.

I do not know why I am blessed. I do not know why I hurt. Good and bad hit all of us. I do know, though, that I am a child of my Creator. I know that all the good things I do have, no matter how small or large, are gifts from Him. For that I am grateful.

There are times when I am simply grateful for His getting me through things, especially when I think of the abuse or I think of the depression and the dark times I have had to experience. Even now, when I struggle, I know it is Him getting me through it. I simply cannot do it by myself. I need His help and He gives it.

It may be really hard. I might have to struggle a lot as I work through things, but He is faithful to get me through it. He is faithful to love me and teach me and show me how to live life His ways. For that, I am VERY grateful!

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It Feels Good!

July 6, 2008

It feels good to move forward…to take positive steps for myself.

It feels good to know that I am growing inside.

It feels good to know that I can set healthy boundaries…and still love the ones I am setting them with.

It also feels good to feel stronger. Each step I take forward makes me stronger. And I know Who it is that helps me do that. I know that I cannot do it on my own.

It feels good to be able to give and receive support.

It feels good to know that I am loved and cared for.

It feels good to be able to love and care for others.

It feels good to be able to keep on facing the past without letting it hold me back from the future.

It feels good to be able to write things that others actually enjoy reading.

In fact, it feels good to be able to write things that I enjoy reading! Like my poetry!

It feels good to know that I am not alone…even though there are times when I still find myself feeling very isolated and alone.

It feels good to know that I do not have to live by feelings even though I am sometimes overwhelmed to the point of feeling incapacitated by them.

I know that all things eventually pass. Life is up and down. There will be good days and bad days. Up days and down days. I won’t have all good days, but neither will I have all bad days!

It feels good to be able to face life, knowing that Yahweh God has all things in His hands. He is allowing things in my life to help me grow strong. He is bringing people into my life to help me…and people for me to help. And that, too, feels really good!

I am grateful for what I have.

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