Posts Tagged ‘grieving what was and what wasn’t’

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Grieving the Finality of What Will Never Be…

March 9, 2012

I found out yesterday that my mother passed away on December 24, 2010. Yep…that is 1 year, 2 months and 14 days, plus or minus. And he is already remarried…I have NO idea for how long.

We permitted our son to call my mother…it’s a long story. When he asked about his grandmother, my father told him that she had died two years ago on a date my son did not remember. I got the actual date by calling the coroner’s office. They were able to confirm the date of her death and the cause…melanoma. I was told that she had been in hospice care, which was why her death was reported to them. It is a law in that state to report all deaths of people in hospice care.

Over the years I have grieved for what was and grieved for what wasn’t. And now, I need to grieve for what for sure will never be. There will never be reconciliation. Never be recognition. Never be an apology or forgiveness extended. Never be so many things.

I have a lot to think about…and a lot to feel. It can be difficult not to second-guess myself, but there are things I need to face in order to settle things in my own mind and heart. I was told she was dying, but not that she was in hospice care or that it was imminent. My father just kept playing games and, I believe, actually kept us apart…especially given what she said in the one time I did talk to her…a call that was interrupted by my father.

Things are a bit complicated and I am having to sort them all out. I need to own whatever is mine and refuse to take on whatever is not. I will not try to pick up another’s guilt. It is simply not mine to carry. Nor is it for me to run from my responsibilities. I went into this with eyes wide open. I knew the risks. I took the chance. Now it is over. Now I will process from a different place…on the other side of her death.

It is sad when someone lies so much that even when they tell the truth it is not the whole story and you don’t really know what you can believe. There are so many what ifs that I could run through. And taking a look is not a bad idea…but living there is. I must face what I must face and trust my heavenly Abba to walk me through to the other side. He has never let me down.

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Parents and grieving & acceptance and peace…

December 28, 2011

I just reread my post with my last email to my father. You can find it here.

I feel no real emotions over this. It is as if I have been able to simply accept the fact that we do not, and will not (apparently), ever have a healthy relationship. It is done and I am at peace with that. They have made their choice. Yeah, sometimes I think about it and wonder, but not for long. There is no point dwelling on something over which I have no control.

So, yeah, I do finally have peace that I have done what I can…and it is enough. I still pray for them when I do think about them. I do not wish them ill. I really do hope they can find healing and peace before they die. I live my life as if I have no parents other than G-d. And that is OK. And it feels good to be able to say that, right now, I truly do not care. I feel indifferent.

Every once in a while I think about the possibility of hearing that one is dead, but that does not last long, either. I really cannot say how I would feel to get that news so there is no point in speculating on it. It is not something for which I think I can really prepare myself. I think I would probably cry…but not because I would miss them. No, it would be that I would be sad over all that they threw away…over all the things that could have been.

I have found that grieving needs to not only be for what was, but also for what was not. What was not is a legitimate loss…just as important as actually losing good things that were. I have lost my parents. The fact that I lost them probably before I was even born makes no difference. It is still a loss.

Their bodies may still be walking around, but whatever it is that makes them my parents died a long, long time ago. May my parents rest in peace. Still, I pray that they do wake up and truly live before they die.

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