Posts Tagged ‘grounding’

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Feeling out of touch…

June 4, 2012

Ahh…here it is!

Life can be difficult enough as one who has been through serious trauma. Add to that the changes that take place in day to day life and it can be difficult at times to find my footing. It is helpful to have things I can do to help ground me and bring some continuity into my life. Most of the things that really help me, though, are still out of reach.

For example, a regular routine would be nice, along with some alone time. My hubby is finally back to work, but his schedule is as frustrating to him as it to me. His days off and hours worked on those days are always changing from week to week. He never gets two days off in a row. It makes it hard to plan when you don’t know his schedule more than a week or two in advance. They don’t even post the schedule on a consistent date.

Our son is home educated, which is fine, but he is so far behind that he will be schooling through the next couple of months. That means he won’t be able to take days off to go work for someone here and there doing odd jobs. No real alone time for me. Plus, I need to be available to help him with his schooling although, thankfully, he is able to do most of his work independently. (One bright spot, though…he will be gone for about a week sometime this month.)

I really miss being able to soak in the bathtub. I call it “cheap therapy”.  What a wonderful thing to be able to just sit behind a closed door and soak away the stresses of this life and this healing journey. It has been seven and a half years since I had regular access to a bathtub and, boy, has that been felt. I miss it SO much and, even now, just writing about it makes me want it. We have the bathtub, but it isn’t finished to the point of being able to use it.

Then there are the regular times of meeting with someone. I miss being able to just go in every week and know that I had one hour in which to talk about anything I wanted/needed to talk about. No judgment. No lack of understanding. Full acceptance. Unconditional love. To just be able to have a sounding board for the events of my life and how I was handling them. It wasn’t even about “therapy”. We both agreed that I pretty much did that on my own. It was just about being able to put my thoughts and feelings into some sort of order and be able to articulate them to someone who really cared and understood and who had the expertise and knowledge to put things in perspective.

Journaling helps, but it really does not help nearly as much if someone else isn’t reading it. In other words, writing for myself is not as effective and helpful as writing for someone else. I started journaling because life’s events were happening too fast for me to be able to share with my therapist without taking the whole session time each week. So we agreed that I would journal and email it to her so she would be caught up by session time. That really helped because she knew what was going on and she knew how I was handling it. She gave me feedback, if she felt I needed it, during the session and we could work on anything of concern. In fact, many times, she was going to bring something up, but found that I had already handled it by session time. It was important to know that someone was reading what I wrote and keeping an eye on my progress. I really miss that. Blogging is sort of like that, but not really. People may or may not respond and there is no real continuity. Plus, I don’t typically go as deep with blogging as I would with private journaling.

When I first moved here, I tried doing phone sessions. She agreed to it because we had worked together well for some time. But it was awkward. So, I tried to find a local therapist while she and I continued to talk a couple of times a year. Working with the local therapist turned into a nightmare. Even if I had the money, I am not sure I would ever work with a “local” one again. I put local in quotes because there is no such thing as truly “local” where I live. The closest ones are about an hour and half away.

I recently left a message for my former therapist to talk with her again. I have NO idea how I will be able to afford it, but I am asking her about the cost of maybe a once a month time of talking. I really feel as if I need to be able to check in with someone on a regular basis and I just don’t know of anyone like that around here. Naturally, I prefer face to face, but phone will have to do. Although, after reading the post by Dr. Kathleen Young that I shared two posts back, now I am wondering if maybe she has Skype. It would be SO nice to be able to see her, as well as talk to her again.

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What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

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