Posts Tagged ‘heaven’


Each Day Moving Forward…

September 15, 2010

I don’t know how much time we have left in this world. I watch it getting worse and worse…and then I wonder…how serious are my problems…really. I do my best when I walk in the truth that this is NOT my real Home. My real Home comes after this world passes away. This is merely a shadow of what is to come…and for some of us…it is a very dark shadow.

Yet…the Creator has come to bring light into this darkness. He has come to bring love and healing…and a challenge. Recognizing who He is and choosing to follow Him comes with a price. There are those who reject Him and there are some who will reject me, also. Some will reject me because I am a broken imperfect person, but there are some who will reject me because I follow Him…because I will not compromise truth.

Personally…I don’t really think that most people are really rejecting Him. I think they are rejecting the caricature and false image of Him that has been taught in so many places and groups. It really makes me sad when I see how He is portrayed as something/someone He is not. So many people miss out on the blessing of really knowing Him because they have never been introduced to the REAL Him!

Another thing that makes a real difference in my life is when I sit with the One who made me…the One who knows me best…the One who became man and gave of Himself for me. That is one of the challenges of my living situation. I have not had any regular time alone to just sit with Him. But then I have to ask myself…how much do I really love Him? When we really love someone…don’t we make time to be with that person?

As I sit here I recognize that I really do not do all I can to spend time with Him…listening for His voice…reading and learning of Him…focusing my heart upon Him…drawing closer to Him. There are things in my life that make it harder to do all of that…things I can do nothing about. I can’t do much about my brain being in a fog…or about feeling a bit dizzy at times. I can’t do much about being unable to focus…about my mind swirling around. However, do I make the best use of the little snippets of time I have alone? He is my Creator. He loves me so much and has been here for me in so many ways. Do I really appreciate that? Do I show that appreciation?

It has been so long since I have lived in a situation that allowed me to spend regular time with Him and in His written words to me. Yet…I do talk to Him a lot. In fact, I am talking to Him even as I write these words. And He does speak to my heart. As I sit here thinking that I am failing to really do all I can to draw close to Him, He just puts His arms around my heart and reassures me that it is not about performance. It is about loving Him…and I do love Him…so much more than I can ever express.

I cannot show my love for Him in the same ways that others can, but why should I? I am not them! I am His unique creation…made in His image and filled with His Spirit. So I show my love for Him in ways that are uniquely gifted to me. Sometimes…loving Him can simply mean that I honor Him by not giving up. I keep fighting. I keep trying to do the right thing…even when I fall upon my face time after time. I aim at taking good care of this body that He has given me.

Hm…I just took a break to fold some clothes before I wrap up this post. I am listening to some beautiful music being played on PBN. Suddenly, I realized something. Sometimes the music in our lives is loud and we are dancing and singing to it. Other times it is a steady stream in the background. We are not focused on it, but it is there nonetheless.

It is the same in my life with the Creator. Sometimes I am focused directly and intently upon Him. He and I are dancing and singing and openly communicating. But oftentimes, He is the spiritual background music of my life…the love that is always there…the presence that is always with me…even when I am not really focusing directly on Him.

I want to have Him more up front in my life. Yet I am also grateful that He is faithful to never leave me or abandon me…even when He is not the upfront focus…even when flashbacks seem more real…even when my brain is too foggy to focus on anything…even when I cannot read His word…even when confusion seems to be reigning.

He is good. He is love. He is my true Abba…and my L-rd. His Spirit lives with me. Because of Him…I can live each day moving forward…even when it does not feel as if I am moving forward.



September 26, 2009

Sometimes…I just want to scream…or cry…or curl up in a ball…or…something!

Sometimes…I don’t know what I am feeling…sad…mad…resigned…hurt…wounded…apathetic…or…something.

I get tired of this life. I get tired of being wounded. I get tired of struggling…of feeling alone…of others just not getting it and me being unable to help them get it…or fearful to even try because they might think I am as weird as I sometimes feel.

Yet…in all of this…I do know who I am…well, in the big picture anyway. I am kind of clueless at times as to all of my inner workings in the here and now. But in eternity…in the big picture…I know I am the Creator’s. I know He loves me and will take me Home someday. Oh, how I sometimes long to go there.

No more PTSD. No more tears. No more sickness. No more dying. No more abuse. A place of peace and wonder and real, genuine, honest-to-goodness love between people…perfect love. No more wondering where I stand with anyone. No more wondering if my parents even desire any kind of relationship with me…or if they are even able to have one. No more wondering if they…or anyone else…is really safe.

I will continue to hope…even when it feels as if there is nothing to hope for. My emotions can lie to me. I know the truth and I choose to live in it…even when it is hard…or difficult. Life all comes down to choices. Will I live for the One who created me? Or will I live for myself? Will I love others? Or only myself? Will I give? Or will I only take?

I will continue to put one foot in front of another. I will take each day as it comes. I will life on the Creator’s terms…not on my own.


Thinking About the Day

March 23, 2009

Every day is a gift…but do I see it that way? It is something that I think I need to pay attention to. I am not my own. I have been bought (in a beautiful and wonderful way) at a very steep price by Yeshua/Jesus. That opened the door for me to be adopted as one of Yahweh/God’s children. What an awesome thought!

So what does that really mean, especially to me as a survivor? It means that I have a real parent…a real Abba/Father…who loves me like my earthly father never could. He will never abuse me like my earthly father did.

Yahweh is spirit, neither male nor female. Since humans are created in His image, He obviously contains all that makes up both male and female. Therefore, He can represent to me both father and mother. A friend of mine once said that he sees the Holy Spirit (Ruach HaKodesh) as being that part of Yahweh that represents the more female aspects. The Ruach is a comforter and a teacher. I don’t know that we can really separate it out like that; but I do see that, if we are created in His image, then He must contain aspects of both male and female. As a married couple, we come the closest to representing His image on earth…I am thinking. Of course, I am not Yahweh, so I can only speculate as I study His word for truth.

The awesome thing about His being both Abba/Father  and Ima/Mother is that I was abused by both parents. So, He can be both of my parents in their place. I like that. It is very comforting.

I know that there are some who are uncomfortable with Yahweh representing Himself as “He” and “Father”…as male. I don’t have a problem with that. When you look at what the men are called to be…and so often fail miserably at…it is actually comforting. Men and women have different roles…neither above or below the other…simply different.

While both parents are called to protect their children…obviously…most men are bigger and stronger than most females. By and large, they are “hardwired” differently, too. Obviously, there will be exceptions, but most women (when they are not wounded and shamed out of the role) do tend to be nurturers and comforters and healers. Most men (when not wounded and shamed out of the role) do tend to be protectors and providers.

Now, I know this will cause a lot of uproar in those who are not understanding what I am saying…in those who may read into what I am writing here. I am not saying this is ironclad. I am simply looking at life and making observations…observations about what I see and about what I read in Yahweh’s book.

Men and women were created to work side by side with each other. Then…they blew it…big time! They disobeyed the One who created them and sin and all sorts of evils came into the world. Humankind was “cursed” as a result. I really don’t think that Yahweh was cursing them. I think that He was telling what they would be cursed with as a natural consequence of their own actions. It is very interesting what it says.

First you have the serpent, who gets them to question what Yahweh really said to them and who twists Yahweh’s words around. Then you get the woman who falls for it (being deceived, it later says). After that you get the guy, who it appears was standing there all along and did nothing to stop it from happening, who blows it eyes wide open. That is why later, it says that the sin and evil came into the world through his action…not through hers. She was deceived. He openly rebelled.

Part of the “curse” is that she will long for her husband and he will rule over her. Look at the world today. I see evidences of this happening all over the place. The marriages that work the best are the ones who follow Yahweh’s rules regarding it. She respects him as leader and he always seeks her counsel as a helpmate. They work together…neither one despising the other, but rather they respect one another in love. They recognize that each has different gifts and abilities and they work together to be united…as Yahweh is united.

One thing I really like is that the Hebrew word for helpmate, with only a very few exceptions, is used elsewhere in reference to the Lord Yahweh Himself. I would say that puts us ladies up there with some pretty impressive company when it comes to being a helper! Being a helpmate is not an insult…as so many seem to think…it is an honor! It was our position before sin and evil came into the world! Yahweh thinks we are pretty special!

So, what does all that have to do with “the day”? I am so glad you asked! I have been given this day. I am still alive. I am still functioning. So, what am I going to do with it? Am I going to walk in my Yahweh given role of honor? Or am I going to shirk it? Am I going to be seeking what He has for me to do this day? Or am I going to focus on my own thing?

Being a woman who lives in a fallen and sinful world, I know that I can be prone to being selfish and wanting to do my own thing…forgetting the One who brought me into a state of adoption into being one of Yahweh’s own children. I must focus my heart and all of my being on my calling…on my position as that child of the Most High Yahweh/God! I have responsibilities, as well as privileges.

I have the privilege of running in to my Abba’s throne room and sitting on His lap and being loved by Him. I also have the responsibility of any princess/daughter of a King…to fulfill my role of doing the work of His kingdom. What is that work? Well, it is all spelled out in His book…in His love letter to all of us…the Bible. Just make sure you get a real translation…a good translation…and not a watered down, modified paraphrase disquised as a translation. Read the real deal! It can change your life forever…for the better!


Comfort in this Day

October 7, 2008

Today is the day that the Lord has made. No matter how I feel within it, I know that He is here with me. He is my protector and the high tower I run into. I am sheltered in the shadow of His wings. I will choose to trust Him, even if I find fear fighting for a foothold in my heart.

He is the One worthy of my praise, for He has formed me and chosen me. He has created all that we can see…and even what we cannot. He is sovereign. There is a day coming when all that is evil will be destroyed. He will make a new heaven and a new earth.

I will bask in His love for me, knowing that He has my ultimate good in mind when He thinks of me and as He leads me and guides me. He has brought me through many things and I know He will continue to do so. His love gives people the ability to choose. Those choices effect others…for good or bad. I am grateful that He promises to cause ALL things to work together for good to those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. I am very comforted by that truth.


I Am Not God!

June 17, 2008

One thing I know…there is a God…and I am not Him. Boy…aren’t you glad about that!? I would make a very poor god with all my imperfections. By definition…God has to be perfect! I mean…hey…He would not be much of a god if He were not, right?

Well, I guess I do know more than one thing. I also know that His name is Yahweh and that He has revealed Himself to us in many ways…through His creation…through His written word…through His people…through His Son, Yeshua/Jesus.

I also know that He sent His Spirit to dwell within those who desire to be His sons and daughters…those who accept what Yeshua did to help us to regain a heart connection with Him that was lost through what Adam and Eve did in the beginning.

I know that Yeshua taught that He was the only way to our heavenly Abba/Father. The ONLY way! It is not a teaching of Christianity…which is mere religion. It is a teaching by Yeshua Himself. You cannot have a better authority on Yeshua than Yeshua…unless, of course, it is His Father. His Father did say in a voice that we humans could hear that Yeshua was His Son and that He was very pleased with Him. I sure don’t think He would be pleased if Yeshua lied about His purpose. Besides, if there are other ways to the Abba/Father, then His suffering and death were a total waste…which would basically make Yeshua quite the loser! He certainly would not be someone to follow or emulate.

I know…there are those who claim the bible has been adulterated…changed. I won’t deny that attempts have been made. However, too many scholars over too many years have been keeping a close eye on it. Plus, God…the author of the book…is certainly big enough to make sure that His word is preserved enough for us to have the truth. You would have to change a huge amount of it to nullify its message…a message which actually starts back in the very first book…Genesis.

When you are dealing with the old portion of the book…the Old Testament, the Old Covenant…then you are also dealing with a culture of people who were so methodical about preserving the integrity of the book that they actually threw away and destroyed any copies that were not perfectly copied. They even checked to make sure there were the same number of words on a page and the same number of letters! Making sure that the copies were preserved was a sacred responsibility that they took VERY seriously!

No, there is truth in the Bible. There is truth in Yeshua’s claim to be the only way. If I am wrong, I lose nothing in the end. But if I am right…those who refuse to believe will be in a bit of a spot. We are talking about an eternal destination here. Those who accept who He is and what He has done and live by His Spirit will be with Him forever. Those who reject that…well, He tells us about that, too.

We each make the choice…to accept or reject. I have made my choice. No one sends anyone to heaven or hell. It is the result of the choice WE each make regarding the Son of God…Yeshua/Jesus. We choose.


Rambling Thoughts About My Sis and Dreams

May 3, 2008

I still think about my sister off and on.

I am now to the point of finally being able to look at what our relationship might have been like had we not been in an abusive cult family. What would she have been like? What would I have been like? Would we have enjoyed the close sister companionship that I see others enjoying?

It is not a matter of living in the world of “what if”. I think it is valid to think about how things could have been different and to hope for something better to come. Of course, that something better with her will not happen in this world. I have to wait for the world to come.

So, while I am still here…maybe it would not hurt to imagine what our relationship will be like in heaven. Will we giggle together? Will we “ooh” and “ahhh” over the beauty we see around us? Will we show one another butterflies and other beautiful creatures that we see? Will she run up to me all excited because she has found something she wants to show me? Will I wrap my arms around her and give her a warm and loving embrace? So unlike… *tears*

I’m sorry, sis. I wish I had been a better big sister. I wish I had been given the opportunity to be a better big sister. I wish we had been raised in a different family and environment. I wish…

But wishes mean nothing. They are just old dreams that fall to the ground like dead leaves in the Autumn. They are nothing…only meant to be trampled into the ground where they will rot away into nothing. Yet, even in the rottenness, they fertilize and feed a new generation…one that will have nothing to do with the dreams that could not be. They will be encouraged…and spurred onward toward living their dreams…real dreams…dreams that are possible because they are not “cult”.

Those are my rambling thoughts today.


Struggling with Life…Still and Again

March 30, 2008


Life is such a struggle at times. At times? Shoot…a LOT of the time! What can I say? No one promised any one of us that life would be easy. In fact, we are promised trials and tribulations if we follow Yeshua/Jesus. Besides…we all live in a world corrupted by the evil in people’s hearts…so why should His followers be exempt from being effected by that? Being His followers simply means that we won’t be effected by it forever…that we are given His power to be different…to somehow rise above it all…to make different choices. That is how I see it. We choose to accept Him and the gift of His Ruach/Spirit living within us, changing us into better persons.

Some people talk about “pie in the sky”…as if having something good to look forward to after this life is a bad thing. Well, what if you happen to like “pie”? I don’t know about anyone else, but when I think of being with my Abba/Father in heaven forever, walking in His true love and never again experiencing pain, suffering, sickness, death…well…that “pie” sounds pretty darn GOOD to me!

This life is captured in time. Heaven is not. It is eternal…never ending. Anything that happens within time is so short compared to forever. In fact, you cannot even compare being in time with being out of time. It is like comparing animals and stars…there is just no common ground between the two.

Now, I know you could get scientific on me, as in…I know they both have energy. But life is more than just energy. It is also spirit. At some point, we will be given a new body and our spirits will live forever. If I have to suffer a bit in this life to live forever with God as opposed to suffering in this life to live forever without Him…well…that choice is pretty much a no brainer for me.

There are some who don’t believe there is a God who would condemn anyone to live without Him forever…in darkness. Well…I don’t believe there is, either. What I read in His word is that we all make that choice for ourselves. We either accept Him and His love…or we reject Him and His love. The choice is ours.

And, since He is God and made us and all that we see…He is the One who defines what acceptance is…not us. We cannot simply make God into who we want Him to be. He is…period. In other words, to adapt an AA saying about accepting life on life’s terms…we accept God on God’s terms. We cannot change the terms of life and we cannot change God’s terms. He assures us that we will ALL have the ability to choose. Now…how He does THAT…I don’t even profess to understand. I just know that He says He does not want anyone to be lost and He promises that ALL will be able to make that choice.

I find that comforting, especially when I am struggling so much with feeling like I am failing Life 101. If God were wishy washy and constantly changing I would never know what I could count on. I need a God whose is true…whose word and character are unchanging.

I don’t serve a capricious God…I serve a very loving God…Yahweh. If He says no one will die with an excuse for rejecting Him, then I know that I can count on Him doing everything necessary to reach each and every person. That is very reassuring, especially when I think of my sister.

I know of no other God who chose to take on the form of man so that we could see Him and touch Him and hear His voice so clearly. I know of no other God who chose to suffer and die for His creation. I know of no other God who saves through grace alone…through my accepting His free gift alone. The other “gods” I hear about want their people to die for them…want their people to earn “heaven” (or whatever their equivalent). Yahweh wants to fill us with His Ruach/Spirit, yet some other “gods” seem to want us to be empty. **shrug**

I don’t know a lot about religions, but I do know this. Yahweh is true. He is, through Yeshua/Jesus, the Creator of the Universe. No matter what happens in this life, I will choose to love Him and serve Him.

These are just my thoughts on things. I base them, as best I can, on my understanding of what God has written in His Word. I don’t base them on what people say. I have found what people say to often times not be in agreement with what I see written in the Bible. So, when I hear/read things, I go back and check it out to see if the Bible/God really does say that. It is amazing to me what people say God said in the Bible that is really not true. Verses are so often taken out of context and/or so twisted as to be unrecognizable.

Anyway…I am feeling the struggle of life right now. Yet, I am also confident that Yahweh will get me through it, in spite of my feelings.


Feeling Down and Thoughts of Home

March 19, 2008

I have really been feeling down lately. I am not sure why exactly. Maybe it is just the stress of life altogether. I don’t know. It just seems like I have been having more “survivor” days. Although I cannot ignore having survived a lot, being a survivor is not my core identity. Being a daughter of the Most High God is.

I work hard on my healing. I work on my relationship with God. Well, maybe I should rephrase that. My relationship with Yahweh is very real and it, along with healing, is a gift from Him. What I mean by “working on” is that I do what is in front of me to do. When He reveals something to me I try to pay attention. It also means that I try to make sure I am spending time with Him, speaking and listening, heart to heart. I make time to read His love letter to me…to get to know Him and His heart better.

I work on embracing truth…the truth about who I am in Him…the truth about my history, my present and my future. I know from where I have come. I know where I am. I know where I am going…ultimately. It is that part between here and the ultimately that holds a lot of questions for me. I really have to trust that it is all in Yahweh’s hands. He has a plan for my life and that is what I want to focus on. Nay,…let me change that. It is HIM I want to focus on…His love for me and my love for Him. THAT is what brings a smile to my face and heart. It is nothing I can do. No, the joy in my heart comes from Him and from Him alone.

Yet, along with that deep inner joy is also a deep inner sadness. I see the junk of this world…all the pain and the suffering. I see how horribly people treat one another. I have seen death, cruelty, abuse. Life in this fallen world is not a pretty picture. I have no hope, really, for a good life here. Don’t get me wrong. There ARE good things and good people in this life. I am very blessed to know some incredibly awesome people and to have the love of friends and family. Yet, those are tiny fragments of this life as a whole. Our world is in a pretty sad state.

Those tiny fragments are also part of a HUGE future picture. There is an awesome place of wonder waiting for me…my true home. I cannot even begin to imagine what it will look like. There are those who have seen it…and come back. They are unable to adequately describe what they saw. THAT is my true home. That is where I long to be…with my Lord and Saviour forever. There are times when my heart aches to go home.

This morning I heard someone talking about heaven and the gate to get in…and the Gatekeeper. I know who that Gatekeeper is…and oh, how I long to hear Him say “Well done, good and faithful servant. Come on in and be with Me!”

When I heard what the Gatekeeper told this person whose time had not yet come, I thought of my sister. I do not really understand why, but for some reason, the words Yeshua spoke to this woman gave me comfort for my sister. They gave me a greater hope that she is indeed in heaven waiting for me. Yet, I cannot say why. I only know that my heart was touched deeply and tears came. They were happy tears for her because I believe she is with Him; and no one from here can ever touch her or hurt her again. She is safe. She is loved…as she always deserved to be.

I have trials and difficulties in this life. A lot of it is just the stuff of life that everyone goes through. On top of that, I have the difficulties of having gone through so much trauma and abuse. It has changed me in ways that are beyond my comprehension and in ways that I can do nothing about.

Yet, my Abba knows all about it. He helps me to work with what I have been given in this life. He brings healing in some ways and the ability to cope in others. He helps me to live this life. I simply do not know how some people are able to live this life without Him. I know that I could not. It simply a fact for me. He comforts me. He strengthens me. He gives me hope when there is no hope in anything I can see around me. He IS my hope…my joy…my peace.

Feeling down does not mean a lack of peace. It just means that I am living in the reality of this fallen world. But deep inside I have the peace of already knowing what the ultimate outcome of that will be. Of course, that is a mixed blessing. I know the joy and good that awaits me. But there is also sadness over what some will choose to go to because they simply refuse to accept Yahweh and His Son. They reject Him…and that makes me sad.


Thoughts on My Sister

February 21, 2008

Not sure how much I will be writing for a bit. This is a hard time of year for me. My sister’s birthday, followed in a couple of months by the anniversary of her death on my birthday tends to be an emotional time. I am reminded of how the memories of her are locked up deep inside. Some part of me remembers her, I am sure. But me, out here, consciously, does not. And the bits and pieces I do remember…are mostly not good.

I have placed her in Yahweh’s loving hands, for there is no better place to be. I have letters from her, somewhere, from when she was about 12. She writes of Jesus. She trusted Him back then. They tried to take that from her. When I had spoken to her as an adult she was into something totally different. But I trust that the little child within her never really gave up on Jesus. Actually, it is more that I trust that Yeshua/Jesus never gave up on her. He promises to never lose anyone the Abba/Father gives Him. He promises that NO one can take anyone from Him. Those promises comfort me when I think of my sister.

I picture her in heaven, in my Abba/Father’s lap, being held by Him with His big strong arms around her, holding her close to Him. I “see” her leaning with her head on His strong chest, listening to His heart beating out of love for her, protecting her and giving her the love she always deserved to have from our bio father and did not get.

I “see” Him honoring her in ways that we were not honored. Respecting her in ways that we were not respected. I “see” Him being that Daddy that we so desperately needed and did not have.

I grieve for what my sister went through in this life. I grieve for the healthy relationship we never had. I grieve for the ways my mother purposely tried to keep us apart and never let us develop a fun relationship. I grieve for the way my sister became bulimic in a desperate attempt to have some control over her life. I grieve for the way she started to drink at 12.

I grieve for the way another cult group tried to gain control over her…and did. I grieve for the way she was manipulated and controlled…all for the sake of others’ power trips. I grieve for the way she was trained in the ways of the cult…just as I was. I grieve for the child she miscarried in the pizza parlor that she honored me by trusting me enough to tell me about.

I am thankful that I got to see her a few times in the years before she died. I am thankful that she got to see her youngest nephew and meet Dave. I am thankful that she was a fighter who would not give up. I am thankful for the few things I have of hers to remember her by. I am thankful/hopeful that she no longer has to endure the pain of this life. I pray that she truly is in heaven and that they no longer have her.

Thinking of her brings up so much for me. The family power struggles. The cult power struggles. The controlling and manipulating. The jealousies. The false guilt trips. So much sick stuff in my family of origin. (FOO) I remember thinking the first time I saw “foo”…how appropriate! Foo on my foo!!

I sit here writing with tears sliding down my cheeks. I remember when I first decided to seek her out. It felt as if we were strangers. I felt NO emotional connection to her at all. But she was my sister. I sought her out and tried to develop some kind of relationship with her simply because…she was my sister.

It was incredibly hard. Of course, back then, I had no idea of our cult background. It was still buried deep within. We were both still being accessed, but I was clueless. Trust was not there. She did not trust me…and actually, with good reason I realized many years later. **sigh**

When she died, I had gone away to work with a woman who was a lay counselor. We were praying and asking Yahweh to bring healing and to restore the memories and show us what was inside. It was an incredible, awesome time. And during that time, she died under rather suspicious circumstances. I got two radically different stories regarding her death. Neither of them made any real sense.

A therapist I work with who has many years of experience with cult survivors had the sense that her death, timed as it was, may have been a warning to me as I was pushing to remember and deal with my past; which, of course, resulted in my eventually breaking free from my parents and the cult. Sometimes, I wonder if they were afraid that, if I broke free, I might actually be able to help her get free. And they did not want to give her up. Well, if they did kill her, or in any way contribute to her death, they just set her free. They cannot touch her in death. Nope! She is safe now. And I will hold onto that.


My Sister

February 18, 2008

Last night, as I went to bed, my thoughts were on my sister. She has passed on into eternity. It has not hit me real hard this year…or at least not yet. She died under some suspicious circumstances. I have seen her autopsy report. It is a joke. In fact, I am not even 100% sure that she is dead. I saw what was supposed to be her body, but it did not look like her at all. I told my father that and he insisted that it definitely looked like her…insisted rather strongly. He would not leave me alone with her. Her body was on a gurney, totally covered, except for her face, with sheeting. They did not have the money to really do anything with the body.

I won’t go into all that happened around her death…not now. Maybe someday in the future I will. Personally, I believe her death was cult arranged…for more than one reason. Either that, or they faked her death and what I saw was not her body. It is my prayer that she is in heaven. That is my only comfort.

OK, as I write this…it is starting to hit me. The tears are on their way. I wish I could have known her differently. I wish I could have been the big sister she deserved to have. She needed someone to love her…to protect her…not to be her trainer.

I am gonna sign off on this for now.

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