Posts Tagged ‘hope’

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Grief Group…

May 31, 2011

A therapist I went to for a while is having a free grief group. I am not sure why it is free…perhaps the church it is being held at is paying for it. Or, maybe he is just giving something free out of gratitude for how blessed he has been in his practice. I just know that price is right and I am signed up. He needs a minimum of 5 people and I hope he gets them.

So…why am I going? Because of my mom. There are so many issues I am facing surrounding her death. I may not even be told that she when she dies…although I think my father probably would tell me by throwing it in my face. Actually, I can see him writing and telling me that I need to call him in order to find out how she is doing. I just cannot believe he won’t pull some kind of power play.

Her death will mean the finality of so many things…a loss of little girl dreams that never really do die. There are so many levels of grief. Grief that I am not being kept up to date. Grief that I will most likely never be able to have a connection with my mother. I can live without it, but I do want it.

On another level, her death will mean a releasing. There will be no more chances to think about or even try for. It will be time to grieve and move on in a different way than I have moved on so far. There is a separation and yet a connection right now. Like it or not, she is my parent. Although I am not holding my breath, I cannot ignore the hope that we will be able to at least talk about some things.

I have thought many times over the years about how I would respond to news of the deaths of either or both of my parents. It is one of those things that I think you just cannot know until it happens. Their deaths will mean the loss of so many possibilities…so many things that could have been. The fact that they were among my abusers does not change that. I have found freedom and I so wish they could, too. I have heard of such things happening and I know that nothing is impossible with G-d.

So, I think it will do me good to be able to voice some of this in a group. At least, I hope it will. I also hope we can afford the gas, but I will just have to trust my heavenly Abba for that just as I do for everything else.

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We Got Together…

May 13, 2010

The other couple came over and we all just walked around the land and talked and shared the latest about our situation. It was good. If I heard correctly, they are looking to be friends…which would be wonderful for us…and, hopefully, for them. I know it can be hard for pastors to find friends when they relocate to a congregation. It is much easier to be friends with someone who is outside…like us. So, just maybe, this will be good for them and for us.

Hubby went to a bible study with him that evening and our son and I went to visit with the wife and her daughters. We all enjoyed it. I got to go see the new house they are trying to buy. We are excited for them. They “get it” that our living situation does not keep us from enjoying other people’s blessings. Not at all. We just enjoy being able to get together.

I hope we can get into something within the next few months so that we can invite them over and be able to do more with them.

I am hopeful.

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May 12, 2008

I feel very broken and very unlovable. *tears*

I feel very stupid…very naive…very dumb.

I feel like a big blow it…and undeserving of any good thing.

Yet, I will cling to the fact that my Abba loves me…anyway.

He sees my heart…and loves me anyway.

I am His daughter, no matter how imperfect I am.

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