Posts Tagged ‘hurting’

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What can I say?

May 2, 2013

I have so many emotions that run through me. I am angry at what my son, flesh of my flesh, has done…all the people hurt…lives turned upside down.  I want to write here, but I lose my words. I start to put down some semblance of thoughts, but then I just stare at it and wonder why I should even bother to try to write or post what I have written.

My heart is breaking and some days I find myself fighting tears most of the day. I keep doing life, but it is not the same. My only real comfort is my Creator. I know who I am in Him. I know His unconditional love. Someday, all evil will be gone. And I wonder…who will really be left standing in the end?  Who will have chosen good, forsaking evil and turning to the Creator?

I am fighting to move back to some semblance of “normal”…at least my “normal”. I get triggered more easily now. I gotta go finish my Shabbat bread, but I am going to go ahead and post this. If it makes no sense to anyone, oh well. If it does make sense, I hope I hear from someone. Please give me a reason to not keep all my thoughts in my private journal. Please give me a reason to write here. Anyone?

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Anger Is My Ally and Having a Voice

July 15, 2010

I always used to be afraid of anger. Anger could get you in trouble. You weren’t supposed to be angry. So, if you were you darned well better hide it! Ack! So, what to do with anger?

I remember meeting with a therapist right after my separation from my then husband. I had started to see her for other things, but she switched us over to dealing with my marriage (or lack thereof) when I separated. My assignment was to write down all the things I wished I could tell him. Boy was that a tall order…but I did it.

When I brought it in to her she looked at it and then wanted me to read it. I just looked at the list and at her and could not do it. She insisted. I refused. I could not give voice to what I desperately needed to say. She would not let it go…so I got angry and threw it down on the floor. I find that choice interesting. I could have destroyed it or hidden it, but instead I threw it on the floor where I knew she could pick it up…which she did. She then started to read it again…only out loud this time. She gave her voice to what I could not give my voice to.

Listening to her read that list was incredibly hard. I don’t remember much more about that appointment, but I do know two things happened. Her saying out loud what I could not…even though he could not even hear it…was validating. I don’t know that I consciously thought of it that way at that time…but it was. To hear someone else saying what I wished I could say…was hugely validating. She did not think anything was stupid…or exaggerated…or insignificant…or anything else that some people might have tried to do with it. This woman was my voice when I did not have one and she began the process of setting my voice free. There were things on that list that I felt uncertainty or even embarrassment over. Her treating that list as she did took that away.

It was just like during another appointment (or perhaps it was later in the same appointment) when I described something he had done and she said, “So, he raped you.” I just burst into tears when she voiced those four simple words. I had always “felt” the word “rape” regarding those times (it was more than once), but I could never actually attach it. I could never out loud or consciously call it that…for a whole variety of reasons better left for another post…if I remember to do one. (OK…I just went and titled an empty draft to remind me.)

To hear someone describe what happened to me as “rape” was SO validating. I just sat there and wept. She confirmed my reality and she gave me my voice…both in the reading of that list and in calling what he did to me “rape”.

The other thing that happened was that I got in touch with a whole lot of pain and emotions that I had been stuffing through all those years of marriage. I was flooded with a world of hurt as she read everything on that list. Hearing it from her made it even more real. These were not things in my imagination or in my own head. These were real things. Real events. Real feelings.

Anger also started to rise. It had always been there in one form or another, but I always tried hard to not express it. There was one point toward the end when I actually threw some things at my ex. I felt really bad about doing it, but I was desperate to try to do something to hopefully get him to see what he was doing. I was hoping that my taking an action that was so out of character for me would shock him into actually listening to me for a change. It didn’t phase him one bit. I think I just gave him some fuel for the lies he was already telling me about me. Or…maybe it wasn’t all lies? Could it be that I was switching and did not know it? I don’t recall losing time. Any more, though, there are a lot of things I am no longer certain of. I do know that I was reacting to things he was doing…and he did not like it…nor would he acknowledge any responsibility for it. He was manipulative…very manipulative. If I tried to point out that I needed something from him in order to give him what he wanted from me I was accused of trying to blackmail him. He refused to accept the way things work between people. Sadly…everything that he was…he accused me of being.

As I look back on my life with my ex (something I try not to do any more than necessary) I think that my anger did come out in some ways. I would say that I was probably passive aggressive to some degree. I don’t remember it being a conscious thing. It wasn’t like I said to myself, “Self…if he won’t this then I will that.” Oh, no…that would have been SO wrong in my worldview at that time…and it still is. I was a good cult girl and would never consciously stoop to such manipulations. But I think it was slipping out from inside anyway. In fact, it is entirely possible that I was switching without even realizing it…that someone inside was trying to somehow protect me and make things better. But nothing ever got better. It only kept getting worse and worse. There comes a point where you can only stuff for so long before it starts coming out one way or another. One sad thing is that I know my children took some of the brunt…not that I was consciously abusive…but I was harsh at times in my perceived helplessness and frustration.

Anger can be such a powerful emotion. It can give us the energy to make changes that we really need to make. It can help to strengthen our resolve when there are tough things that need doing. It can also be scary. I was always terrified of anger…both the anger of others and of my own. I was always afraid of losing control and I was raised to always be in control. So, I continued to stuff a lot of my anger, although I think I did start expressing it more.

I wasn’t in therapy very long. When I finally got back in many years later, I was still afraid of anger. I was afraid that, if I started to let myself feel it, I would be like a volcano that kept spewing and spewing. I was afraid that I would explode and not be able to regain my illusion of having control over it.

Anger…helpful…scary…necessary…protecting…hurting…punishing. So many things can be involved with anger. I think the biggest thing I learned about anger, though, is that it is typically a cover-up emotion. Anger is not the real issue…it is whatever anger is covering up. The anger indicates some other emotion. It could be fear, for example. I am afraid, but I don’t want to admit I am afraid…do I feel anger. Fear requires acknowledgment of something and possibly having to take action. Anger can be a blind feeling of agitation that does not really require an action…other than to perhaps rage. I feel afraid of abandonment…but instead of acknowledging that and dealing with that…I cover it with anger over something completely unrelated.

Once I read about anger being a cover…I started to look deeper…to look underneath the anger to see if I could figure out what was there.  As I did that, I was able to start taking more control over my life…bit by bit…which made me feel more empowered…and less angry. Anger started to become determination…resolve…energy for the actions I would eventually need to take. Learning that about anger helped me a lot. I learned that anger is my ally. It is my indicator that something is not right…either with me…or with something happening to me or another.

I hope this made sense. I have a lot to do and wanted to get some thoughts out here. So, I have not taken much time to “polish” it up.

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Bits and Pieces and Feelin’ Blue…

June 22, 2010

I feel really blue right now. Not sure why. Maybe it is a bit of this and a bit of that. So, I think I will just kind of list what I’ve been doing and where I am right now. Some of it feels positive. Some of it does not feel so hot. Some feels neutral? I don’t know. I am rambling…not sure what to write. So, what follows comes in random order.

PC will be sent in. I will probably get a check back instead of a repaired PC. A check would be good…BUT this whole thing means no PC when I need to be working on my webinar. On the other hand, a check means I can get a PC with a CPU that can maybe handle my photoshop elements program. Emotionally = mixed bag.

Father’s Day. I don’t even know what to say about that one. Reality check: they are only interested in my son. OK…now I’m fighting tears. I keep telling myself that it does not matter. Heck…I was raised in a generational SRA family. What the heck DIFFERENCE does it make???? I got out. Stay out and move on. Sure…that is exactly what I do. But, you know what…these are my PARENTS!! They were just as abused. In fact, in some it was worse for them because they had no heart connection with the Creator to help them get through it. I did…and it did make a difference.

I grieve for them. I wish they would get healing, too. I wish their lives would turn around, too. I wish they would be as interested in me as they are my son. I actually thought the other day of emailing them with the reality of what they are doing…with the fact that I know it is only really him they are interested in. Telling them that I really don’t know what else to say. I see no indicators that they are the slightest bit interested in me…especially since I won’t renounce what I have told them I remember.

Yeah…it’s time for more grieving. Grieving: for what never was…for what could have been…for what was…for not having a “regular/healthy” family…for not remembering growing up with my sister. Yeah…THAT really hits a nerve.

When she died, they had her cremated. They wanted to scatter her ashes at a beach on the bay that my sister used to really like when she was still living with my parents. They wanted me to come along…without my hubby. By that time, I knew about the SRA. I knew about the DID. I knew about the programming. And there was no way in hell they were going to get me to go with them to an isolated beach without my hubby. So…there was either no “ceremony” or I was just left out. The whole thing with my sister was bizarre from start to finish. Her death. Her autopsy. Her funeral home junk. Ack! Yeah…let the tears flow.

My son. It has always been about my children….but especially this son. They moved into our house to get control of him…and to get rid of me. But they lost. They did not succeed. And now…years later…it is STILL all about him. No him…no anything really. All real communication results in silence. The last time I wrote to my father I told him that I left behind the insecure little girl that he once knew. I am a confident woman who stands on my own integrity before YHWH.Nothing he can say can change that. Nothing he can say can change the truth.

Then I asked him where he wanted to go from there. What kind of relationship did he want to have with the woman I have become. Answer: he just pressed me again to share with him what I remember. I won’t do that…and I told him why. Just as I had to remember on my own…he has to remember on his own. Otherwise, he might thing his recovered memories were “tainted”…”led”…”suggested”. (In other words…that they might be everything he has accused my memories of being.)

Since then…nothing. There is always a lag time between communication…a long lag time. I don’t rush to respond to him and vise versa. Same with the mother.

So now I feel like writing something that just kind of spells it out. I want to tell them that I know they are not interested in me. I accept that it is all about my son. Therefore, I see no reason to communicate further. I hope they can find some real peace in Yeshua/Jesus…some real healing. If, for some reason, they decide they want to really work on some kind of real relationship…they know my email addy. Otherwise…we might as well call things the way they really are. I am not into playing a game and I am not going to beg for their acceptance. Much as I would like to have “mom” and “dad”…I will not sacrifice my integrity to have it. I won’t pretend that nothing evil happened. I will just pray for them and leave it at that.

Well…I didn’t get very far with my list…did I? There is more…but I think my parents is really what it is mostly about right now. I put up more art on my other blog…finished putting up the 6 part series. Am trying to figure out to finish the webinar if my PC is gone…and especially if I have to buy a new one. I will figure it out.

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What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

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Holiday Choices and Depression

December 25, 2009

This is a time of year that can be very difficult for a lot of people. For survivors whose abusers took advantage of trying to destroy all joyful memories of holidays…it can be even tougher. At this point, I don’t really recall much in the way of negative memories regarding Christmas. However, as I pointed out in my previous post, all emotions from the past are difficult…whether good or bad.

I am missing my far away family and I am also struggling with my living situation. I am going into year number five like this and it is really difficult. I had the chance to get away from it for five days, but the day after I came back, I got hit really hard. I am fighting depression big time, but am plugging my way through it. Today I placed another order for SamE. I find the Jarrow brand works pretty well for me. I took two today and have one more left. I think it is helping a bit.

Life can have a lot of twists and turns. I have to just rest in my heavenly Abba and trust that He is going to get me through this…just as He has the last four winters. I know He has a plan. I know that it is ultimately good. Why we have to wait in these circumstances…I do not know. It would be easier if I knew the reasons behind this…but I don’t. Oh, well. I am just going to have to keep learning to rest in Him…to trust that His timing is best.

In the meantime, I will choose to enjoy whatever I can of life.  Today I got to spend some time with friends. It was a nice time away from home.

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Sometimes…

September 26, 2009

Sometimes…I just want to scream…or cry…or curl up in a ball…or…something!

Sometimes…I don’t know what I am feeling…sad…mad…resigned…hurt…wounded…apathetic…or…something.

I get tired of this life. I get tired of being wounded. I get tired of struggling…of feeling alone…of others just not getting it and me being unable to help them get it…or fearful to even try because they might think I am as weird as I sometimes feel.

Yet…in all of this…I do know who I am…well, in the big picture anyway. I am kind of clueless at times as to all of my inner workings in the here and now. But in eternity…in the big picture…I know I am the Creator’s. I know He loves me and will take me Home someday. Oh, how I sometimes long to go there.

No more PTSD. No more tears. No more sickness. No more dying. No more abuse. A place of peace and wonder and real, genuine, honest-to-goodness love between people…perfect love. No more wondering where I stand with anyone. No more wondering if my parents even desire any kind of relationship with me…or if they are even able to have one. No more wondering if they…or anyone else…is really safe.

I will continue to hope…even when it feels as if there is nothing to hope for. My emotions can lie to me. I know the truth and I choose to live in it…even when it is hard…or difficult. Life all comes down to choices. Will I live for the One who created me? Or will I live for myself? Will I love others? Or only myself? Will I give? Or will I only take?

I will continue to put one foot in front of another. I will take each day as it comes. I will life on the Creator’s terms…not on my own.

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Those Times in Life

July 7, 2009

This is one of those times in life when I am feeling like I am in transition. I am questioning where I belong. Yet, wondering where I belong seems to be something that all severe abuse survivors  persistently struggle with. Our sense of who we are, what value we have and where we fit in has been so struck down by the abuse.

Our abusers tried so hard to rob of us any self of worth and value. Yet, our Creator created us in His image. I mean…gosh…how much more value can you have??? Perhaps that is why they tried so hard to destroy that…because they are so out of touch with the Creator themselves. They do not see their own value and cannot stand for anyone else to have a sense of value.

Who are we? We are the Creator’s creation…the people He made…in the universe that He made. Elohim, the Creator, loves us so much that He not only made us in His image, but He gave us the free will to disobey the rules for safety and happiness that He gave us. Then…when we broke those rules, He sent a part of Himself down to take care of it. How much more value can we possibly have than that?

I am a daughter of the Most High God…Yahweh. He is Adonai-Tzva’ot! That makes me special. He says I am the apple of His eye.

They also tried to make me too fragile and messed up to be able to do much good. I was meant to be a drain on any congregation I am a part of…instead of an asset. The idea was also to make me always aware that I am different from others…to always feel uncomfortable and uncertain in any social setting that I might find myself in.  They wanted me teo always be off kilter emotionally and yes…even mentally.

What they neglected to count on, though, was the Spirit of the Living Creator that dwelt inside of me. They introduced me to Him when I was young…and I understood it enough to become one of His children. Since then, I have had the Holy Spirit living inside of me. On some level, that tempered the effects of the abuse. It did not nullify them, but it did cause the abuse to effect me in different ways than other abuse survivors I have met who did not come to know the Creator until much later in life.  My system was set up a bit differently.

I have occasionally met others who are like me…but only rarely. They, too, came to know Him very young in life and they have also experienced some of the same things that I have in their systems.

There is always the struggle to know where I fit in. It feels as if I really don’t fit in much of anywhere…even with other survivors. It is not their fault. I know many who have welcomed me. Yet…the feeling persists.

It is not simply a matter of belonging…it is also a matter of feeling comfortable.  For so many years I have felt very socially inept…and I DO mean inept. I was always terrified that I would say or do the wrong thing. It was a very crippling way to be. That is much, much better. However, I can still find myself getting triggered back into that mode.

No matter where I am I have to hide my deepest self from those around me. I even have to hide it from my spouse to some extent. Some of that is because we have no privacy in our living situation. That is supposed to change within the next few months.  When it does, though, I really have no idea how open I can be. I am so used to hiding…a LOT.

Will I ever truly feel as if I really belong with others? I really don’t know. Maybe. I mean…it is isn’t as bad as it used to be. The thing is…even if I do feel as if I “fit”…I still cannot share the deepest things about me because the average person simply would not understand. They might not even believe it. What a risk it is to share. Once shared…it can never be taken back. Do I risk sharing something about myself that can make me look like a freak to others?

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