Posts Tagged ‘hurts’

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And life goes on…

July 15, 2013

Life goes on…even after curve balls get thrown at us. I am looking at a loved one in jail and the loss of relationship with other loved ones because of it.

None of this is my choice. It is not my fault one is in jail. It wasn’t my influence that put him there. I have always been against everything he got into and did. It is not my fault that his ex seems to be choosing to keep me away from not only herself, but their children. It isn’t right for her to do this, but it is what it is.

I think what is hardest is that, if she really does keep us apart, what will the children think? Will she lie to them and tell them I am not calling? That I don’t care? That I am related to the one who did bad things? Never mind that he had a brother I am also related to who is a good man!

Sometimes, forgiveness and love are all we have to offer. It is all we can do when things in the world are out of our hands and we are powerless to change them.

I found a really good video on forgiveness. This man defines it well and makes it easy to understand.

 

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Am I Strong…Enough?…or When a Therapist is Evil

September 1, 2009

I have been reminded of some things lately…things from almost four years ago. I tried to do something about it then, but the regulations in place at that time didn’t really allow for that. I was encouraged to go ahead and send in my story, but I was moving and shelved it for the time being. Now, it is all coming up again.

Actually, it has been coming up again. A few months ago, a friend pointed me to a site that just kind of threw it all in my face again. I know that was not her intent. She wanted me to see what was being written that had to do with what I went through. She wanted me to see what was being shared.

Talk about being triggered. As I read what others wrote…about ME…it was like being hit all over again. I know the truth. There are others who know the truth…including the real perps who did it all…or who took advantage of things that would have happened anyway and blamed me for them. However, I have friends (former?) out there who still think I tried to do serious harm to them…all because of someone impersonating me.

As I sit here, I want to cry…again…for the God only knows (literally) how manieth time. Life is hard enough without having this come up again. Yet…it needs to be done.

I have been working lately on reclaiming my online system name. I am tired of wondering if people will hear it and wonder if I am THAT **** who they had heard about and did all those horrible things. I am tired of being afraid. Those who have gotten to know me…know, when they hear the stories, that it could not possibly be me. They have seen my heart…and that kind of evil just isn’t there.

Oh, I know…there are those who try to say that anyone who is dissociative is capable of great evil. However, there are always indicators…signs of something else being there. I have none…have had none. My therapist at the time this all came down had been keeping a watchful eye over me for a few years…reading TONS of journaling. Nope…no indicators. She had been looking for them all that time and could find none.

There are therapists out there who lie and manipulate to get what they want. What is ironic is when they accuse others of doing what they, themselves do. Or…better yet, when their own clients write articles all about how perps work…and they are either too blind to see that they are describing their own therapist…or else…maybe they are a part of it.

I know it can rock your world to find out that your therapist is evil. My heart goes out to those still associated with her.  More and more I hear about the hurts this woman has caused and is causing. And some of  her clients, too. I guess it stands to reason that this woman is teaching her clients, especially her forum moderators, well. They are being just like her.

I know we live in a sin filled fallen world…yet it never ceases to amaze me just how hateful, spiteful, uncaring and downright mean some people can be. They need to get a life…a REAL life! One that is filled with unselfish purpose and joy. Even in the midst of my pain, I can still experience some joy and some peace.

Anyway…reclaiming my system name is a huge thing for me.  It is mine and reflects something about who I am. A good name is worth more than silver or gold. This is my reputation. I just wish that O would fess up to her part in all this. That would sure make the rest a lot easier. I also wish those who were behind the scenes at that time would open up and be willing to share.

So what timing. I am working on reclaiming my system name and others are actually filing complaints against this woman…and, from what I hear…not just clients. I am being asked to tell my story. I am sick of this woman hurting people. It really needs to stop. I need to do this. Am I strong enough? I know my strength can only come from Adonai. I will do this. I must do this. If not for myself…then for the others.

Abba, please help me!

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Searching for Angela Shelton

August 2, 2009

I watched this amazing movie last night. It is something I have been wanting to do, but have only now been able to. My DIL sent me the link to watch it online. You can either watch it there: Snag Films Searching for Angela Shelton, or you can watch it here (if the player is working).

Vodpod videos no longer available.

What can I say about this film? It intrigued me from the moment I heard of it, especially the part about how the majority of Angela Shelton’s in this country have been raped, molested or beaten. It makes me curious about all the women with my name. I wonder what I would find if I were able to do something similar.

Although it was sad to hear what some of these women have been through, it was awesome to see and hear how many of them rose above it all. What strength. What character. These women are survivors and I am honored to have gotten to see a bit of who they are.

I think that the one scene that was probably the most powerful for me was about an hour into the movie…when Angela confronts her father face to face…on Father’s Day. Sitting there and hearing his denials reminded me of my own father. Even the little bits of admissions she did get from him were more than I got from my father.

I, too, had written my father, but I was not strong enough to give him much…in writing or face to face. I don’t really know how much detail she confronted him with, but even just the bit I see in the movie is more than I was able to tell my father.

I so relate to her feelings afterward. She shared how, listening to his denials, made her want to think that it was all not true. Oh, gosh…been there, done that. For me, I think it was even harder because I had dissociated away all the memories. What was coming to the surface was buried so deeply that it made it even harder to believe when it did come back up to the surface. That made me want to question it all the more. But I knew. I knew it was true. The underlying feeling had been there since as far back as high school. The symptoms went back even farther. Oh, I knew. But telling him was a different thing.

Another factor for me was the fact that I was cult abused. There were things done to purposely bury it all. My mind was fractured incidentally and intentionally. I am still partially amnesic. I still feel the effects of the abuse…although I am so much stronger than I used to be. I am free, so far as I can tell, from my father’s control. Yet, it is difficult to imagine myself ever doing with my father what she did with hers. So…am I really free?

After she confronts him, she has an emotionally violent reaction. I so get that. I find myself fighting my own tears as she is weeping. She expresses such anger…and heart break. And everything inside me is resonating with her. She even seems to express disbelief (?) at the fact that she sat there with him. I know that, when I saw the picture of them standing together with his arm around her shoulder, I wanted to shake inside. That was so symbolic to me…and it was not a good symbolism…at least not for me.

It is a powerful movie…very cathartic…very worth watching. It is a hard watch…maybe even harder if you are a survivor. Yet, in midst of the difficulties of watching it…I saw such stories of hope and strength. I saw how Angela really seemed to make a difference in the lives of the other Angela Sheltons.

I know that I am not done with this movie. I think I will be watching again. There is so much in her reactions to the visit with her father…so much that I connect with. No…I am not done with this movie…not yet.

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Identity and Courage

July 23, 2009

I am sitting here thinking…about identity. At what point is identity important? When your name has been stolen and defamed…is it better to let go of that name and reinvent yourself? Or is it better to reclaim your name and just say “to heck” with those who opt to believe lies.

That is what I have been faced with. Do I hide my name? Or do I reclaim my name? It is something I have given a LOT of thought to…for quite awhile.

To some extent, I have allowed the fear that others  would run from me temper how much of myself I reveal. It is difficult not to feel very vulnerable.

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Did I Mention?

June 29, 2009

Did I mention in my last post that I am swamped???? Sheesh! It is all good stuff…but it feels so overwhelming. Of course, one of the reasons I am feeling overwhelmed is because it is very difficult to do much of anything in my current living situation.

Then again, what is adding to my being swamped is that I am working on a special project that will totally change my living situation! *big smiles* It is a chicken and the egg kind of thing. The project would be a lot easier to work on if my situation was different. But if my situation was different, I would not need to do the project. *sigh*

Nevertheless, I am doing well. I am saddened about some things I have read recently…things that have to do with a therapist who is unscrupulous. It is validating to read what others are starting to share about what they saw going on…even if they don’t mention me. Just to read that others saw wrong behaviours and unethical conduct. Phew! That is VALIDATING!!

Someday, I really hope the person who lied behind my back and impersonated me will do the right thing and step forward to clear my name. But I am not holding my breath. I know that person is, herself, a very sick individual. A lot of cult survivors are…particularly if they are still being accessed. They can have insiders doing things they are unaware of.

Hmmm…very interesting. That is the very argument that was used against me. Thing is…I was not losing time, while this person openly admitted to losing time. The other thing is that I look at her with sympathy and caring. Whilst she and the others just attacked me. I try to understand. She (and others) just tried to destroy my reputation and friendships. What is even worse, she did things that almost literally destroyed some of my friends…things that I was blamed for.

Thankfully, most of them know now that it was not me.  Still…it would be really nice to have my name cleared…especially  in light of the fact that there are still some who think I am the guilty party.

In spite of all that, I still refuse to hate. I still refuse to get down about it. Sad sometimes…yeah…but down and depressed…no. Those who still believe I did it…well, they have the right to choose to continue to believe that. I have searched high and low and so did my therapist at the time. We saw no indicators and neither did my husband. No phone calls on the phone bill…and calls overseas would have really jacked up my phone bill back then. No IM records…even though I had all my IM’s recorded. No emails.

Yeah…I do still think about it every once in a while…especially when something is written and pointed out to me that deals with the whole subject or the people involved. *smile* Mostly, though, I have moved on with my life. Something that, sadly, not everyone involved has really been able to do. See, I had my reputation and friendships hurt…but I, myself, was not hurt. Some of the, on the other hand, were truly harmed. That saddens me every time I think of it…and I do sometimes think of it. These were my friends. I don’t just forget my friends…even if there is a separation between us now.

Well…did I mention that I am swamped???? Still, I am glad that I took this few minutes to write something here. It is kind of like waving at all my friends out there who do come by to read this. I wish you all well.

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When “Funny” Isn’t So Funny

May 23, 2009

There is a “funny” that goes around called “The Psychiatric Hotline”. It goes like this:

Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 17 times…..hmmm better make that 26………ok just press 1 repeatedly.If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you!

Now, I have read this many times in the past. Yet, for some reason, today when I read it I found myself becoming rather emotional. I am not sure exactly why. Perhaps, it is that last line. It really seems to sum up the underlying attitude portrayed in all of the ones above it. How many people really want to talk to someone who struggles mentally or emotionally. I mean…really! How many?

I know that I have had my own struggles with feeling overwhelmed by other people’s issues. I admit that. I think that, for me, a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was barely keeping my own sanity…if at all. I just did not have much left for anyone else.

I also think that there was a certain amount of fear. I was afraid of what I did not understand. That included being afraid for my own sanity, which I held in question for so many years of my life…even as a young person in my parent’s home.  I used to be filled with SO much fear…over LOTs of things. It is next to impossible to reach out to others from a position of fear. If I cannot understand and help myself…how can I help you?

As I have grown over the years…as I have conquered and banished a lot of my fear…I have found it getting easier to reach out to others. There is a real blessing when I am able to touch, and be touched by, those who struggle with the same things I struggle with. There are still those whose experiences and needs are too great for me to be able to handle. Yet, even with those, I can offer a kind word…or a hug…if the opportunity presents itself.

I have looked at what I need because I think others probably need similar things. Underneath all the issues…we are all human beings…people who have been damaged by the things of life that have happened to us. Some of us were born with issues…some of us were “given” issues by the sins of others…some of us have hurt ourselves. Yet, we are PEOPLE! We are NOT our issues!

I don’t need to be understood as much as I simply need to be accepted. Don’t get me wrong. Understanding would be NICE, but acceptance goes a long way, too! Acceptance, for me, also means being included. I don’t have to be included in everything a person does…or in every part of a person’s life. That is unrealistic…even for two “nonstruggling” people. But when you exclude someone from everything…or from all the key events in your life…that is not acceptance. Everyone needs to be accepted by SOMEONE. Acceptance does not keep people always on the fringes of things. Nor does genuine love.

I don’t need to be fixed…I need to be encouraged. Yahweh (God in the Bible) is the BEST “fixer” and He is taking care of that…one day at a time…one step at a time. I am where He knows I need to be. I can accept that. Can others? Can you?

I don’t need to be told how to live…or have verses quoted at me. I need to be walked alongside of.  There are times when I really need someone to take my hand and tell me that it will be OK…that “I” will be OK. I need to be reminded that Yahweh is in control…not as some pat answer that your duty requires you to tell me…but as a gentle loving reminder because you truly know it yourself from your own experience with Him. If YOUR walk with Him is not real and deep, then how can you help me with mine?

I don’t need to be thought of as “wierd”. I need to be thought of as someone who has fought many battles and who refuses to quit fighting. I need someone to “pass the ammunition”…not keep me from it…or judge me for not being able to reach it myself.

I need to be loved. Not pitied. Not superficially cared about. Pity and superficial acceptance are not real genuine love. Real genuine love seeks to help me better myself. Seeks to help me walk through whatever it is that I am walking through. Looks for and shares resources. Love is when you share the gifts Yahweh has blessed you with…with others…including me. Love is sticking around when the going gets tough…or when my struggles make me not the easiest person to be with. Love is when I cannot meet your needs, but you choose to hang out with me anyway.

Is there anyone out there like that? I know there are…but oh how rare they can be. There are some people I have met online who I believe are like that and I would like to believe that I would be the same way back. It can be easier to “love” someone online…to love from afar, but what about in person? There are some online friends whom I have met in person that I KNOW would be that for me if I lived close to them. We are “family”. It would be nice to have some “family” close by, though.

That brings me to the subject of congregations. We are, spiritually speaking, “family”. However, do we act like it? When people call the “church” hotline…what kinds of responses do they get? When the kinds of people listed in this little “funny” above call a “church” that says that they follow Yeshua (Jesus)…do they get responses that are similar to the ones above?

Oh, I know, they will probably NEVER hear those exact words…or course not! If they do, I suggest they run as far away as they can from those people! However, are the responses they DO get really just the same thing…only worded a bit more softly?

Where are the stretcher bearers in the body of Yeshua?

Where are the wise, LOVING, biblical counselors?

Where are the disciplers? The mentors?

Where, oh people of Yeshua, are YOU when it comes to helping people like US??? I fear that you have gone into hiding in your places of perceived safety where you can try to pretend that people like us do not exist. Or, if we do…we are someone ELSE’s “problem”. Of course, that is part of the problem…you don’t see us as PEOPLE, you see us as PROBLEMS!

Yahweh did not call the government to help us out…He called YOU…and ME…and everyone of His true children! We are to help one another. I help others as I am able to help. It may not be much…but I try. I try to comfort others with the comfort with which I have been comforted.

My number one source of comfort is Yahweh…Abba (Father), Yeshua (Jesus) and Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit). Sadly, with a few exceptions, my comfort is primarily just from Yahweh. Yes, there have been a precious few who have actually been there for me in my offline life…but it has been a very few. I hold them in my heart forever.

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Mother’s Day

May 9, 2009

Is hardhardHARD! I HATE Mother’s Day. I don’t feel like I have done a good enough job as a mother to be honored and I always start struggling when I think of my own childhood. So much buried. So many unanswered questions. Amnesia. Emotional flashbacks. I am sure that recent communications with my parents are not helping. I am not sure, but I think this year is worse than last year. It is hard to say because I don’t keep track of such things. I guess I could look back through my blog and see if anything shows up. Maybe I wrote about it.

I hate going to church on Mother’s Day. It just brings up too dang many things for me. Yet, I also hate missing gathering together with other believers. The PTSD is raging…anxiety leved is very high.

THIS STINKS!!!

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