Posts Tagged ‘insurance’

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Pastor Time Again

October 30, 2008

Well, I met with the pastor again. It looks like we will be meeting weekly. I really appreciate this man. I gave him an article I had found on ritualistic abuse. It can be found here: Ritualistic Abuse. I also gave it to my t.

It is a very heavy article. It is my desire to be available to the survivors in our church. I know they must be there. This area is cult heavy. I also know that it is risky to reach out. I talked with him about his helping me to find some safe people in the church to share with to try and create a safe team to help survivors. He said he could do that.

It is also my desire to be able to share parts of my story. I want to share it in such a way that the non-survivor won’t pick up on anything, but the survivors will. I can use key wording that they will hear and know that someone who understands and shares their background is there. Hopefully, they will approach me and find support.

I am also hoping that he might share the article with some leaders so that they can pray about whether or not they are able to help. They need to really pray about it. This is no game. Last week, I spoke with my therapist about it, too. My insurance has run out and I am looking to change my relationship with him. It is my desire to move away from being client into more of a brother in God capacity…a co-healer/support person for survivors.

I want to be there to help survivors heal. If they want to meet with the pastor, meet with a therapist, get into church, I want to help them…to walk with them. I know that I will not do it perfectly, but I am willing to do what I can.

It is risky…but well worth the risk. Survivors need to be ministered to, too!

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Had Therapy Today

March 12, 2008

I talked with my t today. I was so frustrated with my insurance company that I wrote them a letter explaining just how I felt. When I showed it to my t today he thought it was excellent. I told him he had my permission to read it to the whomever he was going to have a phone session with at the insurance company. He said he thought it would have more impact if I sent it in directly from me. So, I signed it and he is faxing it for me tonight. I don’t know if it will do any good, but it does feel good to voice my thoughts and feelings…to at least try to fight for what should rightfully be mine to have!

I am not some whimpering little child who has to be lead by the hand. I have survived horrors beyond belief. I can do this. I deserve to be respected, honored and heard! But even if they do not respect, honor and hear me, I know who I am…a daughter of the Most High God. Bat El ‘Elyon! And He will not permit anything to slow my healing down. All goes according to His greater plan and purpose!

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Recent Struggles

March 12, 2008

I have not been writing here much and I have different things running through my mind and heart. My insurance company was one and I have written about that.

Now I am just sort of running the different thoughts and feelings I am experiencing lately out of my mind and onto this “paper”…sort of like a journal. I am “processing”, I guess you could say.

It has been really hard to get up lately. I am not sure why that is. I believe I am experiencing some minor depression. It has been hard to work things out for what I need in t without having a car. No car is effecting me in different areas of my life and this is definitely one of them. If I had transportation, I could get to t earlier which would make it a lot easier to get double sessions. Even if I cannot get the insurance company to co-operate, if I have to, I can go every other week for doubles so that they get their “once a week” number equivalency. No car means I have to go later in the day when I can get a ride. That also means less availability of my t since everyone wants evening after work sessions.

So, I don’t know, maybe it is all contributing to my finding it harder to get up. And it is not just the time change. Although I do believe that is contributing now, this started before the time change. I have a major new commitment in my life that I am really grateful for, however, it is also very draining. I have to really work things out carefully to be able to keep it up.

Life is challenging. My living situation (which I do not want to get into) is challenging. But I know that Yahweh will help me out. He will help me to get through life…all aspects of it…just as He has been doing for so long, even before I knew His name!

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Insurance Company Rant

March 12, 2008

Insurance companies! They tell you that you have plenty of coverage. But then they make your therapist check in with them so often just to get more visits authorized! And he does not get paid for that extra time. I am paying for the insurance, yet someone has to fight/go through hoops in order for me to use it!! ARGGG!!!!

With my background, single sessions are like putting bandaids on a gushing wound. I cannot just waltz in the door and take down all the walls I have up to contain the effects of the abuse so that I can function somewhat “normally” (whatever the heck THAT means) in life, go deep to get at the root issues and then slam those walls back into place so that I can go back out that door and do “life”…all in less than one hour!

It takes time to get those walls down…time to go deep…time to pull it all back together again to face life outside of that “safe” room. So, my t (therapist) asked my insurance company how to bill for some double sessions. Turns out you have to do a phone review (which he does not get paid for) to get them. Now, I can’t really fault them for that. They want to know what is up that I need this special consideration. I do understand that.

But then they only authorize enough sessions so that within about a month and half, he is having to ask for more sessions. What is up with that? It does not take a degree in anything to figure out that abuse that has run through childhood and into adulthood and marriage is not going to get “fixed” in a month and a half!! Duh!!!

Going to single sessions is like putting a bandaid on the issues. I don’t want bandaids! I want to do serious work! I do NOT want to be t (therapy) the rest of my life!! I want to work hard and move on!! You would think that is what my insurance company would want, too, right? Well, I doubt it. I think they just want to pay as little out as possible. And I can appreciate that, too. I really can.

However, having to constantly see the small number of visits approved and my t having to jump through hoops just to get those is DEPRESSING!! That only makes things worse…not better!! Are they wanting to help me or hinder me???

I talked to a Case Manager (CM) on the phone. She was wondering if I should consider medication. What for? I am not consistently depressed…although this insurance thing is contributing to some depression. I have something natural that works on an as needed basis. It makes no sense to get onto an antidepressant when I am not consistently depressed. In addition, there are times when you SHOULD feel depressed…or bummed out…or whatever. It is natural to feel that way sometimes!

Not only that, but the only antidepressant that I could find in the past that worked for me without having bad side effects, is no longer on the market! I am not going to risk my sanity and mental wellbeing to try more drugs…especially ones that can make me feel crazy and suicidal! Nope…that is counterproductive!

Then the CM asks me about intensive programs. I have a whole list of reasons for not doing one of those…starting with there are very few that really deal with the type of abuse I have gone through! Add to that no transportation, no gas money and the fact that I am responsible for the care of another person during the day. I already struggle to make copays…how much more of a copay would an intensive program be???

Plus, even if all that were in place…I have been betrayed already by two t’s who had the right experience. It is something to write about separately…but I will say that I have friends who think it is a miracle that I even go to a t now. I would be terrified to go to an intensive program and even more so if it was overnight.

I am not sure that it would really do that much good anyway. There are no quick fixes. Intensive programs, from what I have seen, are more for stabilization…or for when flashbacks become so intrusive that they make a person unsafe or unable to function. My flashbacks are annoying, but they do not make me unsafe. I do go through very short periods of having difficulty functioning, but not enough to warrant an intensive program…at least not at this point. And even if it were the case…would I be able to trust enough to go to one? That is a HUGE question for me!!

Right now I go to a t who has NO experience working with SRA clients. He has no real knowledge of programming. He cannot access me. I feel safe with him…and he is good and accepting and very open. He is just what I need right now. Plus, if he really gets stuck, he has my CA t to call for some wisdom. She has the experience and I trust her, having worked with her for several years before moving here.

It also does not help that I was retraumatized three times since moving here, twice by therapists! I am doing pretty darn good for all I have been through. I have been slammed and I refuse to give up! I keep fighting and pushing forward! I just want my insurance company to honor me in that fight and work WITH me, not AGAINST me!

Is that really too much to ask???

I don’t know.

Maybe it is. **sigh**

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