Posts Tagged ‘interrogation’

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Former Antagonist Is Gone!

August 23, 2008

Well, I recently got some interesting news. I wrote here about an incident that happened to me a couple of years ago that was very triggering and generated a lot of fear. It triggered my PTSD to sky high levels.

I recently found out that the guy is no longer there. The reasons why he is no longer there are not really important. They don’t relate to what happened to me.

So, now I am thinking some things through. I will be able to visit there and know that I will no longer run into him. Will that make a difference? Will I be able to feel more comfortable? I know it won’t take everything away. They still have a file on me and the woman is still there. However, I wonder how much of the decision to let me go was influenced by him? I wonder if she might actually harbor some doubt as to whether or not they should have done that? Or as to whether or not any part of the whole thing was even handled appropriately?

Of course, I don’t ever expect any kind of apology. That would have to mean an admission that they blew it…in addition to the one thing they already did admit doing wrong. They might not understand that I am not a suing kind of person. I want to just live at peace with others. I wish they would apologize. I wish we could get it all out in the open. It would make it easier to extend forgiveness and move on.

I don’t know who will take his place there. There is one person who would really do a good job…someone who this guy fired. He is also someone that quite a few people are hoping will come back, including me. I felt “safe” with that guy.

I don’t know what is going to happen…but this I do believe…the group is better off without the one who is no longer there. And they will be even better off if they bring back the one who got fired.

Just my thoughts…for now.

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Anger, Anger, Anger!

August 7, 2008

I hate being treated like a criminal…like I’ve done something wrong, when I have not.

I hate it when someone starts asking questions and fishing instead of just coming out and sharing what they know and giving me a chance to respond to it.

I hate it when someone says that I told someone else something about myself, but they won’t tell me who I supposedly said it to or exactly what was said, so that I can have some sort of context and be able to clear it up.

I hate being treated as if I am hiding something when I am not…or as if I am being dishonest, when I am not.

I hate it when people get on power trips and treat others like they are insignificant and unimportant. We are ALL important in Yahweh/God’s eyes…and should be to each other.

I hate being pitied.

I hate being looked down on.

I hate being considered “less than”.

I hate it when someone behaves like a jerk.

I hate it when, instead of having a dialog, I am interrogated…with many obvious tactics.

I hate being treated like dirt.

I hated being raped and used.

I hated being treated like an object.

I hated being forced into doing things I did not want to do.

I hate…

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Expressing Anger

August 6, 2008

It feels as if it has been forever since I have been able to come here to write. There are some things that have kept me away from my keyboard. The last few days I have been thinking about anger. What do you do when you cannot safely express anger at the offending person?

I would really love to hear others’ thoughts on this. You can comment anonymously.

I had something happen early in 2006. It was an incident that scared the heck out of me. I was backed into a corner, figuratively speaking, and interrogated for about an hour. I am proud of how well I did. I held my own pretty well. However, I had to use restraint for fear that it might cost someone else his job.

It was terrifying, angering, triggering. I still see the person who did this, on occasion…not by choice. Life circumstances bring us together, along with the woman who was also there when it happened. It is usually from a distance within a group and there are polite exchanges, nods and smiles…all very innocuous…as if nothing had happened.

I am pretty sure that they…both him and her…were afraid of my diagnosis. I wish they had asked me about it. Instead they asked someone behind my back. Grrrr! Even if the end result had been the same, it could have been handled differently.

Sometimes, I picture in my mind going into his office, and bringing her in, too. I want to tell them I forgive them, but to please not do that to anyone again. I was treated as if I were a criminal trying to hide something. I was made to feel as if I had been deceptive.

Other times, I want to corner him and really lay into him. How dare he treat me like that! I want to tell him what I really think…that he may be cult and that he is not fooling me and a whole host of things that run through my head. Obviously…that would NOT be a good idea to try out for real!

The other person was also accused of hiding something, but he managed to keep his job. What were we “hiding”? My cult background. There was nothing to disclose! It made no difference. It did not effect my ability to do what they asked me to do there. The group was not in any danger. Yet, it did not matter. I lost. I lost something that I was really feeling good about doing…all because someone there got wind of my background and got scared.

I cannot go to them and express my anger over what happened, although, in my mind, I sometimes do. So, what do I do with it? I will do fine for a while. Then something triggers it to the surface again and I find myself making comments of a type that I really don’t like to think of as coming from my heart. I realize that there is something still in there.

I do not want a root of bitterness to grow within me. I have chosen to forgive and, every time it comes up, I say it again…”I choose to forgive him/them.” It is mostly him because I think she just pretty much followed his lead. I forgive her for following him. I forgive the group for giving him so much power and authority.

Overall, I believe in the group they work for and don’t want to make waves for the group or friends who work there. Still, I am left with this anger and hurt that keeps coming up. The PTSD part of it at least is gone…other than the anger that sometimes gets stirred up. When it first happened, the PTSD was awful. It had just finally started to settle down from something else when this happened.

So, what do I do with this anger? How do I express it? That is what I think I need to work on now. I would love to hear from others what their thoughts are.

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