Posts Tagged ‘letting go’

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Parents…a Love/Hate Affair…

December 21, 2010

There is a drawing I did back in 2005 that so reflects how I feel right now. You can see it here:  Always Out of Reach.

My parents are one of several reasons I have not been writing here for a while.  Some of those reasons are good ones…I have been baking, shopping and wrapping. Others are not so good…I have been struggling in my living situation even more with the early onset of cold weather and snow and I have been emotionally drained from trying to deal with my parents. Yeah…my parents.

As you can see in the picture, nothing has really changed since I have been a young girl. The man who used to be my hero (in what I came to realize was a made up life) is just as unavailable as ever. The game playing still goes on. The manipulation attempts…or maybe…they are not merely attempts, but actually accomplishments…at least on some level…in spite of my attempts to not be drawn in.

Awhile back I phoned my mother. At the end of that call, she admitted that my perception of being pushed aside for my son was accurate. She was being real and she told me that she wanted me to know why that was. She said it was important, but not, apparently, important enough to answer any of my emails following the call.

Writing to my father produced more of the same messy communications as always…or should I say lack of communication. He ignores part of what I say, picking and choosing what he will respond to. His responses do not always make sense because he will quote me out of context. This last email he basically wrote everything I wrote back to me.

My husband had already written him…telling him to piss or get off the pot. Either communicate in a real way and start a relationship or back off. Make a choice. His choice was to parrot what I wrote to him back to me.

So, I wrote him with four things he could do to show me that I can start to believe what he writes to me. I have blocked his email addresses. He can do those things and he can write via my husband. If that happens, then I will consider unblocking his emails, but I am not holding my breath. No longer will my pulse race when I see an email has come into that email account for I will know it is not him.

I did not block my mother, though, so I won’t be surprised if she suddenly starts to write me. It is difficult to predict, but they do like to sort of play tag team at times. I hate to cut her off seeing as how she is dying. However, it does no good to try to connect if she is not truly open to connecting.

When Paul wrote and reminded us of sending in a piece for the 6th Arts Carnival, I started looking through my pieces to see what I might enter. When I saw this one, only two days after telling my father I was blocking his email, well…it just seemed fitting. As I wrote Paul sending him the link and telling him why this particular piece, I found myself tearing up. There is a lot of grief still inside over not having my parents and over never really knowing what it is like to grow up feeling secure, loved and sane. The only love I really remember is the love of Yeshua/Jesus.

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Letter to My Parents

June 24, 2010

Back in July of 2008, I sent my parents an email after my mother left a message on my in-law’s answering machine with a new phone number. I got a one word answer. Thus started some VERY sporadic, mostly terse, email communication with them. I was not really expecting anything…just testing the waters.

Well…here it is almost two years later. I felt it was time to write a summarizing email. I really hate loose ends…so I am tying a knot in one right now.

Here it is:

I really thought a lot about whether or not to write this. It almost ended up being a coin toss…seeing as how that is about how much I believe I mean to either of you.

Oh, I know…I can hear it now…how I am the “big bad daughter” who “used and abused you all those years” and who “lied to you” and who “hurt you deeply”, yada…yada…yada.

Well…I didn’t do all those things and I don’t really buy the whole thing about how “terribly hurt” you. You see…you don’t really behave as if terribly hurt. What you behave like to me is more like you are angry because your covers were pulled and your plan did not work. You did not get what you wanted…and you still aren’t.

You, mom, wrote some real heart things. That actually gave me hope (silly me) that you actually wanted to communicate…for real. Yet, when I answered you…you did not respond. Oh, OK…I get it. You can be “real” and express your “truth” and your “hurt”…but when I do likewise…forget about it.

As for you, dad…all you seem to be interested in is what I remember. The feeling I get is that you just want to debate the validity of my memories. Well…I am not going to share with you…for reasons already previously stated. And even if I were to share with you…I will not debate anything. I know what is true.

Well…if that is all you really you want…that’s OK. The few communications we have had in the last year or so have basically confirmed to me what I had already suspected was most likely the case…that nothing has really changed. Well…that is not entirely true…I have changed. I am no longer the weak woman/child responding to your manipulation cues.

I also know it is not really about me. It is about my son. He is the only one you are really interested in. You don’t want a relationship with me…only him. That is all it has really been about since the beginning.

I know about your plan to move in and gain total access to him while manipulating me and attempting to push me over the edge. Thing is…it didn’t work. I have to admit…you did come close. But you didn’t allow for the Holy Spirit knowing what your plan was and revealing it to me. He is bigger than anything you can come up with. He is the One who thwarted your plan…not me. He is the One who led me to the truth…and to real help.

I can’t vouch for your relationship with our Creator…but mine is real…very real. I have actually seen Him protect me. And others…who knew nothing of the situations I was in…actually saw angels protecting me.

Now…I want you to understand something. I am not angry…although my email may sound like I am. No…it is with something more like resignation and sadness that I write. Sometimes…that is just the way life is.

I pray for you. I hope that you will find real peace and healing as I have. Have I totally arrived yet? Of course not…not until Yeshua/Jesus comes back. But I have come a long way…and I pray for you, too, to find that before you die.

In a way…this email is really about saying “goodbye”…at least for now. I am not really locking the door shut. I am too persistent of a dreamer to do that…in addition to the fact that I believe in honoring you both. I know…you are probably rolling your eyes and choking at that one. It doesn’t matter. The truth is the truth whether you choose to accept it or not.

Anyway…here’s the deal. I will respond to whatever you write…IF…you show me that you really want to communicate and work through some things as a family…and IF…you don’t attack me. I will NOT stand for being attacked. The truth can be spoken in love.

If you don’t want to…I am OK with that…sad…but OK. If you don’t…you are welcome to write me and tell me so…or not. If I don’t hear from you I will simply take it that you are not ready to do that. Perhaps…in the future…you will be. Just remember…none of us knows just how much “future” we really have. Any one of us could go on any day…and with your ages…that is even more likely with you two.

So…yes…this is a sort of “goodbye”…or perhaps more accurately…an “until later”. Ever the optimist…I will keep hoping. As for being a realist…well…I will let my heavenly Abba take care of that.

Go with G-d…the L-rd and Creator of the Universe…YHWH…Abba, Yeshua/Jesus and Holy Spirit.

love,

(first name)
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What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

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Being Stretched, PTSD and Letting Go

September 6, 2008

Life can be very stretching. I simply cannot do it without the help of my Creator. I can’t. If that makes me “weak” in some people’s eyes…oh well. I think the strongest people are the ones who are able to admit their weakness. I am weak. I am fragile. I am learning how to take better care of myself.

I am learning how to let go of things…and yes, even people…when trying to hang onto them results in my becoming even more fragile. When I see myself becoming less functioning, when I see my PTSD rising, I need to pay attention. I used to think so many things and people were worth fighting for. Now, I am learning to choose my battles more wisely. I am learning to entrust things and people more into Yahweh God’s hands. I am learning.

My whole life I have been paying the price for other people’s actions…for their cruelty and their abuse. Although no one is abusing me now, I am still fragile enough that I can end up paying the price for the things others do and say. I am learning how to take better care of myself…not in anger…but actually in love. Love for myself and for the other person. Above all…love for the One who made me.

Many years ago, God strongly impressed upon me that He has given me a gift…it is the gift of who I am in Him. I am responsible for taking good care of that gift. I am learning how to better do that. At that time, it meant setting a boundary that would have long lasting consequences. Today, it means continuing to learn what boundaries I need to set and how to keep them.

It also means learning what I can and cannot do. Sometimes, my expectations of myself are not realistic. I need to learn how to know what God’s expectations are of me…not my own…and certainly not others’. I answer to God alone…as will each of us. I am not here to judge another…nor are they here to judge me.

As much as is possible, I want to live in peace with all. However, sometimes it is not possible…and it is OK to acknowledge that. God tells us to live in peace with all so much as it is in our power to do so. I have learned that it is not in my power to live in peace with all. I can be OK with that.

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Victims and Letting Go

August 14, 2008

I am not sure where this is going to go. I am puzzled by something and am not sure how to express it. It has to do with being hurt…and expressing that hurt. It seems that, to some, if you express hurt, it automatically means that you are “acting like a victim”. I guess I just don’t get that.

I mean…can’t one be hurt without being a “victim”? Hmmm…I think I will go look up the word and see what good old Webster’s has to say about it. This is what it says at the online Merriam-Webster dictionary site:
victim

Main Entry:
vic·tim Listen to the pronunciation of victim
Pronunciation:
\ˈvik-təm\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Latin victima; perhaps akin to Old High German wīh holy
Date:
15th century
1: a living being sacrificed to a deity or in the performance of a religious rite2: one that is acted on and usu. adversely affected by a force or agent (the schools are victims of the social system): as a (1): one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions (a victim of cancer) (a victim of the auto crash) (a murder victim) (2): one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment (a frequent victim of political attacks) b: one that is tricked or duped (a con man’s victim)

Hmm…I guess that, technically, if someone experiences hurt from some source, that makes them a victim. However, I also notice that the examples given here seem to be pretty serious. So, maybe, it does not really apply to smaller hurts? I don’t know.

I guess another question is…is being a “victim” a bad thing? Hmm…let me restate that another way. Obviously, no one would say that being hurt is a good thing! I guess what I am asking is this:
If a person is hurt…and expresses that hurt…is that bad? Is that playing the victim role? Or is it simply expressing a truth about how/what they are feeling? Expressing their perspective? Is there a “right” or “wrong” in this? Feelings are what they are. Perspectives are what they are. Isn’t it possible for people to have differing perspectives and feelings and yet both be “right”? Or even both be “wrong”?

I guess another related question would be this:
If more than one person is hurt…and they all express their hurt…is only one being a “victim”? Does only one person have the “right” to be a “victim”?

Oy vey, this is getting complicated. I guess it would help to explain what has triggered this pondering. I had someone say that I was acting “like a victim” in regards to something. I am not quite sure I understand what this person means. If we follow the definition of being adversely effected, perhaps everyone involved could be considered a victim? So, if this person expresses hurt…isn’t that also acting “like a victim”? I have to admit that I am a bit confused by all this.

Oh, well. There are some things that I may never understand…and I really don’t think I need to understand everything in order to live a somewhat emotionally healthy life. I think it is important to know what to let go of and what to hold on to. I am choosing to let go of this one. It is too complicated for me.

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True and Real Friendships

June 10, 2008

It can really be hard to let a friend go. But, sometimes, that is exactly what we need to do. Let them go, trusting that, maybe…someday…they will return to us.

True friends love through thick and thin. They don’t let conflict destroy the friendship, even though they may need to part for a time. I continue to love and hold in my heart friends that I am separated from. I pray for them.

The separations are due to a variety of reasons. With some of them it is because of their cult connections. They are simply not safe for me to be in contact with. Yet, my heart grieves for them and longs for them. I want to call them or try to contact them. I have at least one sister-friend who I don’t know for sure is cult connected, but something in my spirit keeps telling me to stay away…keeps saying that she most likely is. *sigh*

That is so like the cult…to make sure your closest friends are part of it. It keeps you connected and in contact. Yet, I love them all. I miss them. I know their struggles. I have shared some of their struggles…walked with them…arm in arm. They are my sister-friends and I miss them so much. *tears* One even triggered suicide programming. I think it was an alter that did it, not the host, but even so, I had to separate from her as I was spiraling out of control in my friendship with her.

I do have some friends I am separated from due to conflict…but I will always love them. I will hope and pray that enough healing comes for a reconciliation. But if not, that is OK. I do not consider them to be enemies. I know who the true enemy is…and it is not human.

I am known for my loyalty. Perhaps I am, at times, too loyal for my own good. I don’t walk away from a true friend easily. I can leave an acquaintance and not look back even once; but a true friend…no, that is not so easily accomplished. But I let them go when they need to be let go…with a grieving, yet hopeful, heart.

I do not connect easily, but once I do…it is usually a deeper connection. I think that is one reason that phone connections are harder than online ones. It is easier to go deeper in friendships when there is an in person, or at least a voice, connection. When it is just the written word, it is easier to think in terms of black words on a white page rather than skin tones and warm hands.

Real friendships are ones where we can share the things that bother us…the things that hurt us…even when it is the other one causing it. Real friends listen and weigh things out. They seek to believe the best about one another and don’t presume motive. They ask questions and listen for answers…with open hearts. I value the real friendships I have. They are iron sharpening iron…unafraid to be challenged and not wanting to be flattered. True friends will tell the truth, in love. As one person shared with me…they will put your tag back inside the back of your blouse…the same tag that everyone noticed, but did nothing about.

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