Posts Tagged ‘life’

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Seeing Deceptions

September 15, 2016

Seeing so much deception in the world can be very disheartening. Yet, there is an upside to it, too. Yep, an upside. It makes me more grateful than ever that I can see as clearly as I can. Am I saying I cannot be deceived? No. But I am saying that I know the One who is never deceived and He gives me insight as to what is really going on in the world.

I am grateful for the Creator’s Word…both the written and the Living. I am grateful for His Spirit that lives inside me, leading me and guiding me even when I am not aware of it and helping me to understand His written word…the bible. I am grateful for His Messiah who took care of the problem of darkness within me…my own evil and propensity to do wrong things.

There are those who have wronged me in the past. I have forgiven them. There are those who, I believe, are wronging me in the present. I forgive them. Does that mean I am unaffected? No. But the effects are lessened by the understanding the Spirit gives me.

When I look at the world through the eyes of my Creator, I see a lost world. The greatest darkness and deception are not from those in the world toward the rest of us. No, it is a deception that the deceivers themselves are caught up in. And that causes me to pity them.

Those attempting (and being very successful with many) to deceive us are themselves deceived. They do not see the Truth about the bigger plan our Creator has for this world. They think they are gaining power and have wealth to make them better than the rest of us, but they only have and do what they are allowed by our Creator to have and do.

Our Creator has a bigger plan of redemption for this world. He will make it brand new. But before that time, there will continue to be a battle between Light and dark, between Good and evil, between our spiritual adversary and us. But I know who wins. In the end, it is US through the Spirit of our Creator. Messiah has ALREADY won the battle over death and sin, but we need to walk that out in our lives.

I truly wish I did a much better job of that, but I am entrusting my spiritual well-being to my Creator. He knows my frame and that I am merely dust. Yet, He takes that dust and raises up out of it human beings made in His image. He makes beauty and love and all good things possible.

I cannot choose what happens to me in life, but I CAN choose my response to it. And I choose to worship my Creator and to walk in His ways as best I can out of love and gratitude and respect for Who He is.

So, when I see all the deceptions and I am tempted to be frustrated…or worse, afraid…I look to Him. I am comforted by the prophecies where He has spelled out for us what has happened, is happening now and will happen. I do not need to fear the future. He holds that in His capable hands. I need not fear the now, for He is working something good out of it.

I see the Light shining in the midst of the darkness. I see Messiah Yeshua (Jesus) coming. I also see a time of great trouble on the horizon before He comes back. But I know I am OK in the here and now. And I will be OK in the midst of the coming troubles because He will be here with me. Yeshua promised to never leave or forsake us and He is not a liar.

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My Father Now

February 21, 2016

This is actually a comment I wrote in response to something someone else wrote about my having gotten more from my father than most. It gives some insight to how things are now with him and I. Our communication is very sporadic.

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I have definitely gotten more, including some old family photos and such. He definitely attacked me years ago. Our communications for many years were limited to a few terse emails, many of which (from his side) sounded a bit bizarre and did not relate to what I wrote him. Little emails.

My mother died. He remarried…way too quickly…at my mother’s prompting. Oy vey! Such dysfunction. He was caught between trying to grieve his 1st wife of over 50 years while being a “happy” newlywed. Less than 4 years later, she divorced him and won’t even speak to him. It appears that his stuffing was finally coming out and causing him to have episodes he says he does not remember. So, he is in counseling.

He says it is hard…and I empathize. Our contact is still limited. He has been clearing things out, preparing for the fact that he is elderly. So, he was sending me all kinds of photos. I had to tell him to stop as it got overwhelming for me. But it was nice to see them. Frustrating in not knowing who a lot of the people were. I hate to throw them out, but if I don’t know who they are…who will? Mom is gone. I have no idea to whom I should pass them on. Know what I mean?

And, it is like going through someone’s estate before they die. That is not a bad thing, but it does feel like an “ugh” thing. Does that make any sense at all? LOL

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Life Moves On

February 20, 2016

Obviously, it has been awhile since I have come here to write. Things have happened during that time. My beloved MIL died not long ago. We had to tell our son to move out when he crossed a line. Thing is, we came to that place many times before and he would humble himself, acknowledge wrongdoing and apologize. We would let him stay. Not this time. The two events came close together which really made it difficult to know what I was grieving when. Both made me sad, although I know I will see my MIL again. So, I think most of the pain was from our son. Although, the other day, I got a notification that her birthday is coming up and the emotions hit. I will miss her. We did not live close physically, but she was a wonderful woman and I am honored to have known her. So, now I have three yahrtzeits a year. My sister, my mom and my MIL. And life moves on.

There are cycles in life and I am not really sure where I am in the cycle. I am older now…approaching my 60’s. I am tired…battling some fatigue. It gets better and then I get hit emotionally or physically and down I go. However, overall, I am doing better. I don’t go down as far as I used to since I started to pace myself instead of pushing through and since I am guarding my heart to make sure I don’t hold emotions in or fight them. I allow them to flow through me…other than fear. I refuse to allow that to take hold. And I am actually doing pretty well with that.

With my son out of the house, we are empty nesters. Yay! Didn’t want it to happen this way, but I am able to appreciate it, nonetheless. At first, I struggled with guilty for enjoying it because of the way he left and out of concern for his losing his grandma. But that was his choice. Our only choice was to no longer put up with the behaviour. There is good news, though. He has to grow up…mature. At first, he did not even want us to know where he was. The other day, he did text to let me know where he was staying (a family we know) and that he has his first real job. Don’t know where, but the fact that he let us know after telling us we were on a “need to know” basis for everything…well, we see that as progress. Very slow. Very small. But still forward movement. How pressured he was to text me, I don’t know. But I will take whatever I can get. I am also comforted by the fact that I know a lot of good people are watching out for him.

I am back in school…online. The natural health field. I am excited about that, but also dragging. My “study/office” is challenging to keep organized and that affects my ability to focus and study. I am working on it, though, bit by bit.

Things are good. I cannot really complain. I have a roof over my head and, even though it is not “finished”, it is more than adequate. I have food. I have shelter. We are living on early SS and whatever G-d provides beyond that. My hubby is trying for disability…something his lawyers do not understand he did not get because it is so obvious. Court is coming up, but we don’t know when…just most likely within the next couple of months or so. That bit of extra would really make a huge difference. He wanted to be able to keep working until his age out, but it just was not possible. And once you are on early SS, you cannot go back unless you get a job to put back in. Disability would enable him to get as much as if he had worked until age out as early only garners you 75% of age out.

As for me, when I think of working, I can feel the stress rising…the same stress that triggers fatigue. So, I am hoping to be able to “work” with that and maybe get a part time job come spring/summer and nicer weather. Right now, it just does not seem doable. I have to fight the panic that wants to rise. But I know that, whatever I am supposed to do, I will be able to do. For G-d does not call us to do anything without equipping us and making a way for us to do it.

I guess that is my update for now. Will I have more thoughts later? Probably. In fact, I have a lot of thoughts about things, but am not able to come and write about them. It is easy to feel overwhelmed in life…hence the “panic” about working. It is not that I am afraid to work. I am just concerned about biting off more than I can chew…emotionally and energy wise. What will be will be and I will work with it as best I can.

One battle I fight is that of comparing. It is a dangerous thing to compare. I am amazed at what some people are able to do in life…even survivors. And I can easily feel as if I am not “good enough”…too “broken”. I have to remember that I am not called to do what they are doing. I have my own calling. I need to embrace it and let go of the comparisons. There are many things I “want” to do, but I cannot do them all. And that is hard. I have to discern what I am supposed to do from amongst all the things I would like to do. Or get super organized! LOL

What is most important in life? That needs to be my focus. Most important spiritually first. When that part of me is in order, the rest can fall into place. I do the best I can regarding taking care of my spirit, my body and my “heart”. I will be OK.

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Life is good…

April 23, 2015

Life is good. It may be difficult at times to see that, but if we look for the good…we will see the good.

I can see.

I can hear.

I can move.

I can feel.

I have food.

I have shelter.

I have clothes to wear.

There are so many things I can do…so many things I have…that many others cannot and do not.

I am blessed…if I choose to see it.

If I look for the negative…I will find it.

If I look for the negative…I will embrace it.

It is my choice.

I know what I am choosing today.

How about you?

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Still here…as in, I didn’t drop off the planet…

June 8, 2014

I am actually still on the planet, although it may not seem like it. Life has been difficult. There are some days when I have to battle feeling as if I am falling into a very dark hole. Yes, I am taking my SamE again to help. I am also praying and focusing on my relationship with my Creator. And that does make a huge difference in my life.

My husband’s physical condition does not seem to be getting any better and I am struggling with how that is affecting the dynamic we share. It affects everything…our schedules…our moods. He, understandably, gets a little short at times. Being an introvert, my energy drain is already flowing due to not really having a private place in the house and also due to being responsible for other people. So, when hubby needs even more than usual, I tend to not be as patient as I wish.

Life is filled with potential changes. A possible move. A graduation in a year. Life in disability (we hope…or a healing would be even better). A trial with no possible “positive” outcome.

There are times I feel as if I am “drowning” and just trying to get through the day. Other times, I feel fairly confident. Thing is, I am the one who has been the driving force of positiveness and “it will be OK” statements. Sometimes, I need someone to say to me! I cannot always be the optimist in the family.

In all of this, though, I/we are growing, maturing. We are having to seek our Creator…Yeshua…the G-d of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob…even more. We draw closer to Him and find the strength to keep on keeping on.

I am not a “date setter”. But I am also not ignorant. Yeshua said to know the times and seasons…to watch the signs. More than ever before, I see signs of His coming getting very close. There are still some things that need to happen, but the likelihood that those things will kick off starting within the next few years is very high. Of course, we could all be wrong, but I really doubt.

I know that people have been saying for centuries that it is close. But we have something they never had…the rebirth of Israel. No nation on the planet has ever arisen like Israel. No unused language has been brought back into ordinary every day use like Hebrew has. Once relegated to only the scriptures and religious writings, it is now heard from the lips of children. And the outright miracles that took place during Israel’s rebirth are astounding.

So, here I sit, watching the spiritual battle rage. The scriptures tell us that our battle is not with flesh and blood…it is in the spiritual realm. I see that battle raging…in my family…in my country…in the world…and, especially, in the Middle East.

Get ready, folks. Keep an eye on the bigger picture. This life…what you see in front of you…is like the shadow realm. True reality is spiritual and, largely, unseen. I pray your eyes are opened to see it. Your physical life may…for sure your spiritual life will for sure…depend on it.

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Continuing to learn about “trauma brain”…

March 17, 2014

I recently started reading again about PTSD and what I call “trauma brain”. The stress of some things in our living situation started to overwhelm me and I really needed to find more support and more information. So, I started searching again and found more information. Actually, there seems to be quite a bit more, but here are some things I am finding.

Apparently, they are now coming up with official labels for “trauma brain”…the brain that has developed in a biologically different way as a result of persistent abuse/trauma in early childhood. I am still learning about the labels and how they are separate and how they overlap with PTSD.

They now have something called Complex PTSD…or C-PTSD. I believe this is a new label because I don’t remember seeing it before. I also saw DTD…Developmental Trauma Disorder. There are several articles that I have not read, yet, but I am going to share them here because a quick perusal indicates that they have some very useful information.

A few years ago I read about the push to put DID under the PTSD category in the DSM. There was quite a debate about it. Clearly the two are connected, but not everyone agreed on putting one under the other. I wonder whatever happened with that. Perhaps, some of these articles hold the answer.

So, here they are, in no particular order…more articles on PTSD in its various forms. I chose the ones that went the most in depth (which is why I have not read all of them yet myself).

Developmental trauma, complex PTSD, and the current proposal of DSM-5 by Vedat Sar

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder by Wikipedia

Reconceptualizing Child Traumatic Stress in Child Welfare  by Ally Jamieson, MSW

Part Four: From care to where? Early brain development susceptible to neglect, abuse – Emotional, physical trauma in childhood can cause delays in brain maturation, say experts by Tracy Sherlock, Vancouver Sun

I have added these links to the Abuse, Trauma & the Body/Brain page.

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Making Progress…and other odds and ends…

March 15, 2014

Gosh, November! Has it really been that long since I have blogged? I guess it has, obviously! There are so many things I could share, but it is challenging to know where to start. So, here, in no particular order, are some odds and ends of my life for the last three months.

I now have a working bathtub!!! I cannot say enough how therapeutic it is to be able to take a long soak. Cheap therapy. Even if I cannot do it in the moment…just knowing I can is HUGE! That happened very recently, about two weeks or so ago? In fact, it happened after we put the house up for sale.

Which leads to item number two (but who’s counting, anyway).  One of our sons has offered to move us in with him and our wonderful daughter-in-love.  This is because his dad is in a lot of pain and had to quit working. So, our unfinished house that we have been living in is for sale.

Next tidbit…I have sporadic contact with my father via email. He still does not know where we live (other than generally) and does not have my phone number. It is all good..meaning that I am taking care of myself.

I had a cult GF (who also does not know where I am) contact me via email. She has to sell her house (which I thought I saw sold a couple of years ago on the Internet) and wanted to know my address so she could ship me some boxes of books I “left” in her garage years ago. Neither Dave or I recall leaving books. I wrote to ask her what books they were and have not heard from her since. So, yes, I think the feelers still go out. Did I mention that she has met my parents and probably has their number and that her family cult is the same one as mine? Oh yeah, and I had to distance myself from her previously because she was setting off my programming…which is so NOT happening now!

It has been a challenge watching my husband hurt more and more. I believe this move is a good thing, even though it may be moving into the “lion’s den” in some aspects. But G-d goes with us and I believe this move is a “G-d” thing.

I will have to come back soon to this blog because it is time to walk out the door and there is so much more I could say. I want to share some things I am learning about PTSD and “trauma brain”.

Until next time…take care and be blessed!

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