Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

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Getting Out (of the Marriage)

August 3, 2020

It took years to get out of that marriage that I did not even know I needed to leave. The whole marriage was more unpleasant than pleasant. Oh, we had our good times, but his behavior toward me was not one of real respect. At first, of course, it seemed so. But I was also blinded by my own brokenness… a brokenness I did not understand and the roots of which I did not know.

I kept wanting to grow, to get better, to understand my brokenness and fix it. He did not. That is the simplest explanation for how it all came apart. I was moving in one direction… toward God and he was refusing to budge. The strain on our relationship grew greater and greater. His attempts to control and manipulate stayed strong. But, as I grew, I began to take baby steps out from under his control. Eventually, it came to a head.

During the marriage, there were times he would force himself on me. Being cult trained, I was unable to say “no” to anything if I could not come up with an iron clad justification… anything. When he would rape me, it would feel as if a piece of me inside would just break off, shrivel up and die. The day came when God impressed on me that I needed to set a boundary and if I didn’t, the same feeling I had during the rapes was going to become my life. I was not going to survive.

So, the time came and I set that boundary and told him I did not want to. It was a huge, groundbreaking step. I had mentally and emotionally prepared myself for the worst possible scenario. I was prepared, if necessary, to be beat. He had never beat me, but he had done things that led me to be afraid he could and would if provoked enough.

He didn’t like it. He picked me up and threw me on the bed. I still refused. From that point, he switched to mental and emotional head games. But I kept my resolve. I knew I had God on my side. He eventually backed down and, at that moment, I found myself saying that I thought we needed to separate. Whoa! Where did that come from? Such boldness!

He said I had to leave. I was bold again! I said he had to leave and the children were staying with me. And he did!

That was the beginning of the final separation and the end of the marriage… a marriage that really wasn’t a marriage anyway. It was one more step in the process of breaking free, although I still did not know just what I was breaking free from, yet.

I did not shoot for divorce. I still just wanted a real family and a home filled with sobriety and love. But it wasn’t going to happen. I filed for separation and, ultimately, filed for divorce as he chased skirts and refused any counseling, etc. Biblically speaking, I had grounds for divorce years prior. But I didn’t want a divorce. It takes two people working together on a marriage. I had to let it go.

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Arranged Marriages

August 3, 2020

It is not unusual for occultic groups to arrange marriages. It can be an alliance marriage intended to bring greater power to both groups as they partner together. It can be a convenience marriage to keep two rival groups from ripping each other apart. I don’t really know which one mine was.

Groups will often pretend to be enemies in order to keep loyalty alive in their members. There is so much deception, it makes it hard to know what is truth and what is not. My family and his family did not get along. There was a constant attempt to manipulate us from both sides. Of course, at the time, I thought this was just normal DIL/MIL, SIL/MIL stuff. I had not yet had memory recall and did not know the fuller story.

Looking back from this side of recall, our whole relationship was rather bizarre. The way we met, the way it played out, our engagement, our wedding, our marriage. The whole thing had elements of the weird in it.

When I got memory recall and my therapist and I started to look at my marriage and things I was remembering, it became pretty evident that it was most likely an alliance marriage. This was strengthened by memories and information that seemed to indicate I have a higher “bloodline” than ordinary members. I had status. Can I prove it? No. But everything in me says it is true. It fits.

Whether the two families were pretending to not get along or whether the truly did not get along, I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. The effect was the same on him and I. We were constantly off balance and spending time and energy (or at least I was… I can only speak for myself) on trying to keep the peace and get along with both of them. I was at odds with my own family and at odds with his. The constant vying for loyalty made life very challenging… to say the least.

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Persistence

May 4, 2009

Lately, I have been thinking about persistence. Then, this morning I was reading a blog post by Margaret Jones here. The subject of persistence came up again. In the situations described in her book, she was persistently trying to work things out…trying to get the others to understand.

Just how does one know when to keep persisting in the face of seemingly overwhelming odds…or ongoing pain? How does one know when it is good to hold on or when one should call it quits? How does one know what is standing your ground versus being stupid? How does one know when it is good sense to walk away versus simply running away from something hard? I wish I knew.

It seems to be a case by case or incident by incident kind of thing. I guess, so long as the other side is holding out a true interest in resolving things…you stay put. However, I have seen others make noises like they want to work things out while not actually doing it. Behind the scenes they were actually stirring things up.

With my ex, I tried everything I knew to try to save that marriage…to make it a healthy one. I gave until there was nothing more I could do. I had to get us out of there…for the sake of my sanity and of our overall safety. It was an extremely hard decision to make. I kept hoping that, sometime during the whole process, he would wake up to what he was doing and to who he was losing. Sadly, he never really did.

Persistence. There are so many times when I just keep pushing myself to do this or do that…to keep on going when all I really want in that moment is to rest. I want to take a break from even the good things…to just sit quietly or just do reading or basic life things like cooking dinner and laundry and cleaning…forgetting the rest of life. I want simplicity…not complexity. I am so tired of complexity…and of things not going “right”.

Persistence in friendships. It amazes me still that there are some who call me “friend”. I don’t know if I will ever get over the wonder of that.

So, I persist, in many ways and in many things. I’ve just never been a quitter and I am known for my loyalty. So, I will just keep on going and I’ll try to make those moments of rest in the midst of life stuff…whenever I can.

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