Posts Tagged ‘observations’

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My Sister

February 16, 2010

My sister had a brave heart. She was beautiful and childlike. She was a fighter who would not give up. She was trapped…caught in an unseen web that was too sticky for her to break free from. They had her where they wanted her.

My sister ran away from one cult family right into the arms of another…but she didn’t know. Neither of us did. At that time, we were both amnesic to our true history.

I wonder…did she ever figure it out before she died? Did she finally remember her childhood abuse…the younger years? Did she remember “everything”…or just the minor “stuff” she used as an excuse to run away?

My sister kept trying…in recovery and out of it. I remember her telling me how she had to fight with the recovery people to get her a counselor. She kept saying she needed one, but they did not want to give it to her…not even in those fancy, high class, expensive recovery places.

Was it because it was being paid for by his parents? After all…counseling might mean that she would remember something…something important…something damning…about them. Maybe she would finally wake up to the truth about her boyfriend and his parents…the family she lived with. Or…maybe she wanted a counselor because she already had an inkling of the truth? I will never know in this life.

This is the time of year that I especially think of my sister…as her birthday approaches in a couple of days. And I wonder about her death…and sometimes, I wonder if she even really died…or if they have her holed up somewhere. It didn’t look like her. And my father would not leave me alone with her. If he had…what would I have done? I don’t know. We weren’t supposed to touch the body…but I think I would have. It did NOT look like her. I had seen her within the last year.

My father said it did, but he had not seen her in years…so far as I know. But then…it is not exactly like I came from a truthful family. Ha! “Family”. What is THAT supposed to be? Not the caricature I grew up with.

It’s funny how everything seemed to be so good…on the outside looking in. All the memories I concocted about growing up seemed so OK…yet I was so not OK.  Stories my mother told me were woven through my mind with photos from the family albums. Childhood. Sure…that was my childhood…only…it wasn’t.

I remember the day I suddenly realized that it was all a lie…a fantasy. It has been so long now that I cannot remember if it was before or after I realized that I could not remember growing up with my sister. It is as if she did not exist…yet I know for fact she was there…in the same house with me.

So many things are buried in the mists of amnesia with a tiny flash of a snippet here and there that blazes through so fast that I can barely figure out what just went by. Yet…those flashes ARE there. And I do have the photographs. My sister was there. Some of the photos I took…yet, I can barely see anything beyond the photos themselves. Whatever I see is more like a surreal picture in my mind.

She died on my birthday. At least…I am told she died. I saw what was supposed to be her body…but it sometimes haunts me to this day. I know she was becoming “inconvenient”. I would not put it past them to agree behind closed doors while pretending to hate each other to me. Two families…warring for her body. It was sick. It was insane. It was my sister.

I will never get the chance to get to know her. Her living…except for the few times in the later years when I finally did meet up with her…is buried deep within. What I do remember makes me wonder if I really want to remember the rest. I don’t know. Maybe I should just create a life with her just like I created a life of my own? No…I want to honor her by remembering the truth…if I can.

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Meeting the Ex

May 30, 2008

I recently saw my ex and his wife, daughter and stepson. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I am still processing it and have already talked to my t about writing an email to him. In the email I will set a healthy boundary while still giving him the benefit of the doubt.

We had connected a little bit at the hotel…where he lied to me instead of just being real. *sigh* Then he did something to me at the end of the reception that was totally inappropriate, considering that he was an abuser. Although I doubt that he sees himself that way. He walked toward me quickly from behind someone else and before I had a possibility to react…or to refuse…he hugged me.

He gave me no options…no time to be able to react and make a decision as to whether or not I WANTED to be hugged! It was one of those things where I would have literally had to put my hands up and/or turn around quickly and go the other way, which would have been pretty difficult seeing as how I was walking in the direction he came from.

I cannot say what his motivation was. There are several possibilities that I can think of. That is one of the things I need to process and write in my journal about.

I really felt kind of sorry for him…in a way. He was not really a part of any of it. Yet, he made his bed…now he must lie in it. One of the things I thought of when I saw him was that loyalty comes with a price. So does disloyalty. I was loyal to my sons and I paid the price…then. He was disloyal to all of us and now he is paying the price. He is on the outside. Even if he ends up with wonderful relationships with his sons, he can never regain all the lost years. It really is sad.

I have always been known for my loyalty…although, perhaps I am too loyal. I don’t know. I stayed with him for about 13 or so years…determined not to be a statistic. Yet, in the end, for the boys’ sakes and my own, I had to separate. I always hoped that he would wake up and want to work on things, but he never did. He had made it clear for a long time that he did not want to be married to me.

Anyway, it was very interesting having all of them there. It was also very interesting having the 13 year old daughter and the stepson (who was about 23/24) observing me. I guess they were trying to reconcile all the horror stories they had heard about me at family gatherings with the happy woman they saw. The woman who was accepted and obviously cared about by her son, by his bride, both sides of the wedding party, the brides family, etc.

I had a blast at the wedding and I know that it showed. I was confident and knew that I was very loved. My son has married into a goodhearted family. I could not be more pleased with his choice of bride.

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Right, Wrong and Observations

May 20, 2008

Sometimes things happen in life that just catch us by surprise. We might have an inkling of there being something there, but only an inkling. I was recently blindsided by some things. Yet, there are things that I was noticing beforehand…things that I just filed away in the back of my mind.

Isn’t life a lot like that? We see things and we file them away somewhere. Sometimes it is because we don’t want to believe that we are seeing what we think we might be seeing. It might be perceived as being possibly unpleasant…or even scary. It might have to do with us and we don’t want to see something about ourselves. It might have to do with others and, again, we don’t want to see it. It could also be simply that we don’t know what to make of what we see and so we wait it out looking for new/more information. There can be many reasons for filing things away instead of facing them.

We can also find ourselves in a position where we feel that we must do something. We can even seek wise counsel as to whether we are right in our thinking, or not. And even with prayer and thought and wise counsel…we can be wrong in our decision. Then again…we just might be right.

Opposition does not mean that we are wrong. In fact, in many instances it can be evidence that we are right! But how does one know? Opposition can come from those who do not want their covers pulled…to borrow a recovery phrase. Or it can come from those who truly are right and who are trying to show you that you are wrong. It can also come from the spiritual realm…which is where Yeshua/Jesus said that our true enemies are.

So, how do we know which is which? That can be so tricky. Open communication can really help, but sometimes, not everyone wants to be open. That could be a sign…but it isn’t necessarily. It can be so hard to know. That is why it is so important to show grace and mercy to one another. It is also why I keep praying for wisdom!

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