Posts Tagged ‘overwhelmed’

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Feeling Overwhelmed…Again

July 1, 2009

I feel overwhelmed right now. I think my life is in transition and I am not sure just where I fit in or where I am to be.  Perhaps it is time to move out from at least one place I have been online. I don’t know. It does not feel as if I have much to offer there any more. Yet, every time I think of leaving, I see someone I can write to and someone I can touch. I don’t know. I need wisdom. I can only do so many things at once.

I really hope that, when my housing situation changes, it will make things easier. I suppose it does not help either that I am allergic to the area in which I live. It is not a pollen kind of thing. There is a micro-organism that lives around here. It makes me feel sick. Ick! *sigh*

Right now my head is sort of foggy and I am trying to think clearly. Emotionally, I feel overwhelmed. Perhaps it is flashbacks?  Probably. Earlier, I was almost doubled over with inside “pain”. Someone I know takes issue with calling it “pain”. He does not think, along with some others, that using words to describe physical symptoms should be used for emotional or mental ones. Their thinking is that it contributes to the idea that mental and emotional issues are “sicknesses”…physically caused.

I don’t know. I don’t really have a problem with it. I guess I could write that I felt/feel disturbed. I just know that what I feel inside can be so intense that it makes me literally want to double over…just like I do when I am in physical pain.

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Did I Mention?

June 29, 2009

Did I mention in my last post that I am swamped???? Sheesh! It is all good stuff…but it feels so overwhelming. Of course, one of the reasons I am feeling overwhelmed is because it is very difficult to do much of anything in my current living situation.

Then again, what is adding to my being swamped is that I am working on a special project that will totally change my living situation! *big smiles* It is a chicken and the egg kind of thing. The project would be a lot easier to work on if my situation was different. But if my situation was different, I would not need to do the project. *sigh*

Nevertheless, I am doing well. I am saddened about some things I have read recently…things that have to do with a therapist who is unscrupulous. It is validating to read what others are starting to share about what they saw going on…even if they don’t mention me. Just to read that others saw wrong behaviours and unethical conduct. Phew! That is VALIDATING!!

Someday, I really hope the person who lied behind my back and impersonated me will do the right thing and step forward to clear my name. But I am not holding my breath. I know that person is, herself, a very sick individual. A lot of cult survivors are…particularly if they are still being accessed. They can have insiders doing things they are unaware of.

Hmmm…very interesting. That is the very argument that was used against me. Thing is…I was not losing time, while this person openly admitted to losing time. The other thing is that I look at her with sympathy and caring. Whilst she and the others just attacked me. I try to understand. She (and others) just tried to destroy my reputation and friendships. What is even worse, she did things that almost literally destroyed some of my friends…things that I was blamed for.

Thankfully, most of them know now that it was not me.  Still…it would be really nice to have my name cleared…especially  in light of the fact that there are still some who think I am the guilty party.

In spite of all that, I still refuse to hate. I still refuse to get down about it. Sad sometimes…yeah…but down and depressed…no. Those who still believe I did it…well, they have the right to choose to continue to believe that. I have searched high and low and so did my therapist at the time. We saw no indicators and neither did my husband. No phone calls on the phone bill…and calls overseas would have really jacked up my phone bill back then. No IM records…even though I had all my IM’s recorded. No emails.

Yeah…I do still think about it every once in a while…especially when something is written and pointed out to me that deals with the whole subject or the people involved. *smile* Mostly, though, I have moved on with my life. Something that, sadly, not everyone involved has really been able to do. See, I had my reputation and friendships hurt…but I, myself, was not hurt. Some of the, on the other hand, were truly harmed. That saddens me every time I think of it…and I do sometimes think of it. These were my friends. I don’t just forget my friends…even if there is a separation between us now.

Well…did I mention that I am swamped???? Still, I am glad that I took this few minutes to write something here. It is kind of like waving at all my friends out there who do come by to read this. I wish you all well.

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One of Those Days

January 17, 2009

Ever have one of those days? You know the kind…where you are not crying, yet tears are sliding down your cheeks? I had one of those days yesterday.

I had things inside and just really needed to write…so I did. As I wrote, the tears started flowing…no crying…just silent tears. I went back and forth between writing and doing other things, but the tears just kept coming off and on for a while.

I am not sure what they are about. It would seem safe to assume that they were related to what I was writing about…which, I guess, could be summed up as disappointment? I don’t know. Maybe it was just sadness?

Then again…I guess it could just be a whole mixture of things going on inside that simply needed to come out.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. All I want to do is to just sit at Yeshua’s feet…or perhaps more accurately…to sit on my Abba’s lap…my heavenly Abba.  I need to let His love wash over me so that I can walk in His healing Shalom and in His ways. I praise Him for loving me and choosing me as His daughter…for that is what I am…a daughter of the Most High God!

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Feeling Tired and Preparing for Meeting the Ex

April 7, 2008

What a day! I am very tired and have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. It was a good day, though. I got some things done that I needed to do, including a good talk with my middle son…the one getting married…about his biofather.

I am feeling better able to prepare for being in the same room with him and his wife. I am going to look at what is the best and what is the worst that can happen. Then I am going to make “plans” accordingly. I hope to write more here soon…but I have been so swamped and, accordingly, overwhelmed. I hate feeling overwhelmed, but oh well.

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