Posts Tagged ‘pain’


Pain and Helplessness

March 20, 2010

It is so hard to read about the pain of others and feel so helpless…unable to contribute anything that I feel is of any real value. I can say that I care…and I truly do. Sometimes I care to the point of tears and feeling empathetic pain for them, but I am helpless to do anything other than to say that I care…and pray for them.

I recently read about a little girl who, I believe, is multiple. Because she is deaf, it makes it a lot harder to deal with what appears (to me, anyway) to be an insider’s total meltdown. I felt I really did not have anything constructive to offer in that moment when I read it. I was deeply touched…and maybe even a little bit triggered. So I wrote a few words of support, but felt pretty helpless. Someone else came along, thankfully, who wrote openly about multiplicity and he offered some constructive counsel for the poor adoptive mom of this little girl. I hope it helps…I really do.

I went to that man’s blog to read for a wee bit. He is married to a woman who has DID. It is a bit difficult to keep track of who is who, but I think I got a basic understanding. But, as I read, questions popped up. Some of my questions were based upon concerns and some upon curiosity. Now, before I get judged on my curiosity…I am not talking about curiosity for the sake of curiosity.  I am talking about curiosity because it touches on something that I connect to. Curiosity born out of my own pain.

This is a husband who needs support in his situation. Yet, he seems to have found something that works for him and his wife and “his girls”…as he calls them. Is what he is doing “healthy”? Well, it might depend upon who you ask. It is working for him and his wife and her insiders. Isn’t that what is most important? Her system is active and engaged. Mine…what is left of it…is pretty much shut down inside…or so I am told. Actually, I am not really sure.  After so much integration and with things being fairly quiet…I am not sure how much is “shutdown” and how much is blendedness. I really miss having regular times of meeting with someone who can understand.

Another interesting thing is that this woman is using a theophostic counselor. I wonder how her experience differs from mine. But then…it would differ…if only in that we are unique individuals with differing systems. I hope the best for both of them…as well as for that little girl and her adoptive mom.

All of us need support for something…whether it involves multiplicity or not. I hope that we can all open our eyes to the pain of others…whether we understand the cause of that pain or not. People are hurting. Isn’t that really all that matters? I hope we can see the pain in others and reach out…even if all we can do is offer words of support. If we have some answers or helpful counsel…that is all the better. But it starts with seeing…and acknowledging the pain.


Darkness to Sunshine to Darkness

April 17, 2008

Yep, the sun is shining outside. It is a beautiful day dawning.

Yet, I can feel the darkness closing in again..inside. The pain is back. Oh, well. I wish the sunshine had lasted longer, but at least I did get some much needed warmth and light! Yep…that is me…always trying to see the positive side of things.

Most of the time it feels as if I am living in shades of gray…like the twilight times of day…with periods of darkness…like the night. Oh, the sun does peak out for moments at a time. It is not that I never experience times of joy and light. It is just that those times are sporadic and short lived.

The twilight always comes back and with it…the darkness eventually comes in like a flash flood. There is rarely a warning…it just hits with sudden force…knocking me flat. It is in those times of intense emotional pain that it feels the darkest. It is in those times that the struggle is the greatest. It is in those times that I am even more grateful for Yeshua/Jesus. I can honestly say that, if it were not for Him in my life…if it were not for Him holding me close to His heart…I would not be able to live this life. It is only through His Spirit that I can get through this. I am so thankful to be a daughter of Yahweh…so thankful that I belong to Yeshua.

Life is hard. I am not going to pretend it is not. That is not what being a follower of Yeshua is about. In fact, He told us that we would have trials and tribulations, especially if we are His followers. I have seen that in my own life. Yet, I love Him and, with His strength, I will never give that love up.


My Heart Hurts

March 19, 2008



What more can I say? Some days, my heart just plain hurts. That is life. There is nothing to do but to turn to my Abba and ride it out. I know that His love for me is beyond incredible. That does comfort me, but it does not take away the pain.

So, I will wait upon Him and ride it out. I know in Whom I have believed and He has promised to never leave or forsake me. He is here with me now and will help me through this! He is faithful and true!

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