Posts Tagged ‘pastor’


Reaching Out…

May 9, 2010

Previously, I wrote about trying to get hold of a couple to try and find some kind of in person (3D) support. Well, I did finally get her on the phone. I had pretty much decided how I wanted to approach it. Did that happen? Nope! Instead, I started off faltering and ended up just spilling things out. She was very caring as I told her I was losing it.

Her husband was not home at the time or else, she said, she would have come right over. So, she prayed for me and said that she would talk to him and get back to me the next day. I told her I had no idea how we would work this out. They are not close, location wise, and we are not members of their congregation. (He is a pastor.)

After pouring my heart out over the phone, I definitely felt better. It was a couple of days ago that I talked to her and, although I have not heard back from her, I do know her heart. I had told her I did not want to be a bother and she had assured me I was not. And I believe her. She knows our living situation and, like everyone else, cannot imagine how we do it. She knows it is extremely stressful.

What is really amazing to me is that I would normally be fretting like crazy at not hearing back from her. I would have all the old tapes playing about not being a bother…not taking up people’s time, etc. This time, though, instead of fretting at not hearing from her the next day, I am able to contentedly rest…knowing that there is a reason she is not getting back to me…a reason that I believe has nothing to do with me.

They may not be the ones the L-rd has for me (and my family)…and, if that is the case, it is OK. At least being able to talk to her did help me to feel like someone else knows some of what is going on and cares about me…about my family. It helped me to feel heard and to let off some of the stress.



February 23, 2008

Need I say it? I HATE flashbacks.

I don’t mind triggers so much because they are clues to the past. But flashbacks for me are usually just deep intense emotional pain that hits hard…seemingly out of nowhere. Oftentimes, the only clue I have as to the source of the pain is whatever it was I was thinking about when it hit. And sometimes I don’t even have that. I just get hit with emotional pain that is so great that it takes everything in me to not double over as I try to hide it from those around me.

Last night was different. The flashbacks were more defined. I saw people and places and there was a distinctiveness in the emotions. Instead of being all jumbled into one huge pain…I could feel separate, distinct emotions. It was rather overwhelming.

Thankfully, I was in an online meeting and I had a pastor friend who helped me out. Gotta love those guys. They are so supportive, even when I feel like a basket case. 🙂 I wish I could find a way to deal with the flashbacks other than to just ride them out. They wash over me so strongly that I feel as if I am going to drown in the emotions.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have had times of sitting in the presence of Yahweh when the emotions from that were also overwhelming. It is an incredible experience to sit with God; just as it is an incredible experience to sit in the past. I would rather stay in today. If I have to experience something so intense, I would prefer it be the intensity of being with Yahweh.

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