Posts Tagged ‘programming’


What’s In a Name?

July 31, 2013

My earliest conscious memories regarding my name was of never being allowed to go by a nickname…even to the extent that I was threatened to be in trouble if my mother ever heard someone call me anything other than my full first name. Others did not understand this, nor did I. But it was my reality and the reason for it was more serious than I knew.

I remember coming home in the first grade from school and one of the neighbor girls was teasing me by calling me a shorter name. She wouldn’t stop even when I asked her to. I remember being worried (read that as “scared”) that my mother would hear her. My only consolation was that this girl lived a couple of houses or so before mine and ours was up in the back…behind the main house. Thankfully, my mother did not hear.

As an adult, when I asked my mother about that strict rule, she said something along the lines of wanting to hear my name because she had worked so hard on picking out a nice one. She chose that name and wanted me to be called that name…period. She came across as if she had not been that strict in laying down the rules, but I remember. There is a lot this partial amnesic does not remember, but I remember that. It was programmed into me to NEVER use a nickname. It was not until many years later that I began to understand the truth behind that demand.

I remember struggling as an adult…married with children even…to try to be me. It is like I woke up one day and realized that I did not really know who I was. I did not know what I liked or didn’t like. It was a perm gone awry that turned me onto that. I looked totally different. I got teased a bit for the drastic change, but that is when I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I really did not know whether I liked it or not. It wasn’t what I wanted. It was drastically different. But did I actually not like it?

I tried to look at the woman in the mirror as if she was NOT me. Would I like that hair style on THAT woman? I decided I did, but I felt a bit of disconnect between that woman and me. That woman was not what those around me expected to see, which got me thinking. I decided that I wanted to become the woman God created me to be rather than the woman I was pressed into being. All my life I was always being what everyone else wanted, but what did “I” want? What did “I” like? And even more importantly, what did God create me to be? So, I set out on a journey of exploration. I wanted to find out who “I” really was/am. And what a journey it was!

Right there in the very beginning I was hit with a strong realization. I use the word “strong” because it was something that I knew for sure, although I could not have explained why or how I knew it. I just knew very strongly that I would never be able to be the me God created me to be if I went by my birth name. So, I decided I wanted to be called a nickname, which was really just a shortened version of my first name…half of it to be exact.

I knew my parents would not like it, so I started with my husband and those closest to me. I remember that some questioned what I was doing. New hair style, which I openly admitted was not my intention, but reassured them (especially since the hairdresser was a friend) that I did like it. New name. What was up? I just kept to myself what my realizations were and what my goal was.

Once I saw that those around me were willing to really try to remember to call me by my nickname, I asked my parents to do the same. Naturally, they did not like it. Thankfully, I did not see my parents nearly as often as I saw my husband and everyone else. And then I noticed it.

I had started to change internally, even if not all that much externally. I started to feel more freedom to gingerly explore, and my sense of who I was altered. I grew stronger, more confident and had a greater sense of my worth. And then my parents would come over and call me by my full name. Bam! It was like a switch was flipped and I found myself struggling to keep the ground I had gained. This happened over and over until I learned to turn it off.

Although I did not know anything about programming or my cult family heritage at that time, I did understand that there was a definite connection to my full name and being controlled and molded. It was one of the key events of my life as I moved toward freedom. I never went back to my full birth name and now have a completely different name.

So, what’s in a name? I think a lot! My birth names were given by my parents. They had really nice meanings and had programming attached to them. My current names have wonderful meanings and freedom attached to them. They were gifts from my Creator…my heavenly Abba/Father. I am no longer bound to programming or to the former names. When someone from way back calls me by that name, I don’t like it, but the effect is no longer there. It is more of just an annoyance.


My Place In This World & Coping with Social Situations!

April 6, 2010

I was reminded recently of a Michael W. Smith song called “My Place in This World”. That song has always touched my heart…for I have always struggled to feel as if I really fit in anywhere.

As a daughter of the Most High G-d, I am secure as to my place in my heavenly Abba/Father’s kingdom…of my place in the spiritual realm. Yet…even with that security, there are times when I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything that I even experience some doubts about that. Thankfully, I do regain my perspective and the doubts do pass.

When it comes to this world, though, to the people around me…I rarely feel as if I belong. I almost always feel out of place…as if I am on the outside looking in.

In The Cost of Reality, I share how I used to feel almost all the time. For a huge part of my life I rarely, ever felt comfortable or a real part of a group.  I hated going any place where there were a lot of people I did not know. I was almost panic-stricken the first day of school every year. I was that way with any new place or any new event.

Now I only feel the intensity of it if I get a particular program triggered. However, that does not mean that I feel comfortable around people and social events. I do…but I don’t. I have had to learn how to work my way around these kinds of things. Otherwise, I would be totally isolated.

One thing I do is try to get to events early. When I get there I try to connect with someone who is a part of the event and even offer to help in some way if I am up to it. If nothing else, I learn my way around and help to welcome others that come. By being one of the first ones there, I sort of make myself a part of what is going on. That does not solve it all, but it does make it a whole lot easier.

If I show up after a whole bunch of people are there…I feel lost. Unless I come with another person, or plan to meet another person there, I will typically feel very uncomfortable.  I will be uncertain where to sit…wondering if I am intruding upon some group of friends. I am very aware of cliques.  It seems like, in so many places, you have families and friends who have known one another for a long time. Where do I fit into that?

So…another thing I do is look for someone else who seems to be alone. The other person is usually grateful that I did and we end up having a rather enjoyable time together. I may never see that person again…but for those few hours we enjoyed one another’s company.  I have had many good laughs at tables where none of us women knew anyone else at the table.

I also try to smile a lot at people…just to see how they respond. They ones who light up at my smile, I keep an eye on. If it seems like they are open, I will walk up and talk to them…and find out if they are alone or not. That helps, too.

Sometimes, I just have to focus on what is going on and go through it. If programming is triggered, that is when it is the worst. I just have to accept that I am not in a frame of mind where I can truly trust anyone. I just need to smile, be pleasant and get through it.

Sometimes I experience an impending sense of doom that I cannot connect to any person or place or event. It is just a feeling I walk around with. That, too, makes it difficult in social situations. I keep wondering if I have somehow blown it…somehow said or done something wrong. I have learned that I just have to ride it out if I cannot find a legitimate reason for it.

So, I have all sorts of struggles with social settings…unless I am in the midst of giving it. Yet…I can speak and sing without too much difficulty. Or at least I once could. It has been a long time since I have done it. In fact, since I started realizing the truth about my history and my makeup I have not really pursued it. There is a difference between being up in front of a group and being down within the group. I had a therapist who was the same way. She could teach a class…no problem. But as a student…she was actually rather shy. It is a matter of being in my element.


What’s In a Song

April 1, 2010

Vodpod videos no longer available.

This song really touches me deeply. It makes me want to cry. Although my life with my ex was not quite like that, there were times when I was afraid of him. But I don’t think that is quite what it is. I think it is the helplessness…the feeling of being trapped. I have felt that way almost all of my life.

Even as an adult, I felt trapped in my relationship with my parents. Moving out sort of helped…although I did end up back at home…where I felt even more trapped.

Getting married did not help, either…at least not the first time.  I was still trapped. I was still enmeshed with my parents…especially my mother. Of course, I am sure it did not help that my first marriage has all the earmarks of a cult arranged marriage…an alliance.

It was not until my second marriage…my non-cult marriage…that things started to change for me.  It took a while, but he provided a bit of a buffer between them and me. I started to be able to be around them and feel more comfortable…which isn’t saying a whole lot since I did not feel all that comfortable anyway.

My parents could control me so well. Hubby kind of interfered with that a little. It would take quite a few words to describe what would go on between us. It was so subtle and between the lines…not something an outsider would easily pick up on. In fact, I was still in the dark in so many ways as to how they were manipulating me. That is the way of the cult…programming…training. And I had been trained well for my job.

I did break free, though. It was a bit hairy as layer after layer of information came up. It was a journey…a process. It was a fight…and well worth it. My son was my biggest motivator. I was fighting to keep him safe.

So this song…I see a woman who is trapped. She could no more leave this jerk than fly. Just like I felt with my parents. I could not separate from them…not truly…not on a deep level. They had me.

But it isn’t just the video…it is the words, too.  Because of You I relate to hiding how I really feel. I grew up that way. Now I can be more real, but for most of life…even my adult life…I had to hide how I really felt…especially with the ex.

Even now I struggle at times with being open. That is mostly because I just don’t think people would be able to understand the depths of what I go through and what I feel…especially when I get triggered. That is when I hide the most. I am slowly opening up more. It depends on who I am with. And it depends a bit upon who I am, too.

Working on freedom hasn’t been easy. I am still working on it. Healing is hard.  So is being open. Being open is also a gamble. I just keep inching my way there…and then pulling back…observing. Some day…


More Survivorship Webinars – Randy Noblitt and Jeannie Riseman

February 9, 2010

I forgot that I had this post buried in my draft pile. So…here it is…albeit it a bit late.

I attended two more Survivorship webinars. Both were excellent.

Randy Noblitt, PhD was the presenter of a webinar on “Empowerment and Managing the Effects of Programming”. He explained about programming

Jeannie Riseman gave a presentation on “Normal Guilt, Guilt Induced by Extreme Abuse, and Some Suggestions for Working with Guilt.”

Both presenters did a good job. I learned new things and had other familiar things reinforced. One thing I like about the webinars is that they help me to see what I have learned in addition to teaching me new things. I get to hear about others’ experiences and get information from those who have been studying what happens to survivors. Part of what that does is reinforce good and correct messages while exposing incorrect and negative messages.

Healing is a process. There is always more to learn along the way. I hope I always keep learning new things and forward in my healing and growth. These webinars definitely help me to do that. Even when I go in thinking I am already pretty familiar with a topic, I find that I learn something new. So far, the presenters have been interesting, prepared and familiar with their subject. I am grateful to them.

For information about future webinars go to Survivorship webinars.


When Lies Just Won’t Go Away

May 23, 2009

A friend of mine told me about a site where people were talking about a particular therapist. Some were saying she was great. Some were saying she was horrible and some were kind of in between. Now, all of that is fine. This was a place to be able to share your experiences with your therapist. In this particular instance, it was with this particular therapist.

I know this therapist. Many of the things pointed out by those who were either very negative or even moderately negative…I witnessed myself. Sadly…I experienced some of it myself…and more. I am SO glad that she was NOT my actual therapist, although I did call her state licensing board over the unprofessional and unethical behaviors she exhibited on her forum and off.

One thing that really struck me as I read what was written is how quickly those who like her attacked those who did not. That was unnecessary. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts about this therapist. There was no need for attacking. If your experienced was great and she helped you…fine…share that. If your experience was negative and she hurt you…fine…share that.

I have not joined in the “discussion”, however, some there did refer to me and my experiences with her. It is actually pretty entangled since what I was put through also involved one of her clients. Some who wrote were empathetic and felt for me. It was part of why they wrote negatively about her. Those who favor her did not like that…so they wrote all these lies about me.

Now, in all fairness, I do not think they know they are lies.  They are just regurgitating the same old stuff that they were fed back when I was there. I mean…after all…who wants to believe their therapist, who may have really helped them…could do such underhanded and, yes, even evil things…or at least been party to it via her client? I know it would be very difficult for me to accept…even devastating.

So, I cannot really fault the people who believe she is so great and that I am so evil. They have been lied to and deceived. However, attacking someone who tries to tell the other side of the story is just plain childish, immature and downright mean. Each one should have the freedom to state THEIR OWN EXPERIENCE with her. Several tried to do that. What happened with me effected others, too. When they tried to point out the truth at that time, they got attacked.

I like what one person wrote…that he was looking for a therapist for when he moved into the area. He wrote that, while the negative reviews gave him the creeps, it was the behaviors of her clients that really turned him off. He wrote that he felt their immaturity and acting like little children showed they had little respect for their therapist. It was her clients behavior that may have cost her a client.

It was difficult to read all these things written about me…the same old lies. Whatever happened to discussing the therapist? Several people wrote what they saw and what they experienced, but it was brushed aside as the focus seemed to really turn onto me. Not surprising seeing as how I was used to make her look really good. Oh, yeah…she “rescued” everyone from me. She, with all her experience, “saw through” me.

There are things, of course, that don’t make any sense…things those who favor this therapist are not asking themselves. If they did, they might begin to see how they were taken in. For example…if this therapist caught on so quickly to what I was about…why did she let me stay at her forum? Instead of letting me stay and pointing out things (behind the scenes) about me to them, why didn’t she just ban me? Why put her clients at risk by allowing me to stay there and connect with them? That makes no sense.

I actually tried several times to leave peaceably, but that was just not allowed. My husband finally put his foot down and told me to leave…period. My PTSD was raging and the whole thing was just getting more and more bizarre. I was being targeted and outright attacked on this therapist’s forum…and I kept wondering…where on earth is the therapist??? She was pretty much absent for periods of time. When she did finally come back…she did nothing to stop what was going on and I did not understand it. Emailing her about it did nothing but work against me. I finally left on my own with her owing me three months of forum dues that she never paid to me. Nor did she offer them to the two people I told her she could offer them to in place of returning them to me. I know this for fact.

This woman  acted unethically toward me in several ways, lied about me, stole at least three months of dues from me and was involved (along with one of her clients) with setting me up to be a fall guy. She (and her client)  had her forum moderators convinced that I was evil and out to control and purposely hurt others. Not a very nice therapist, huh? I did not think so, either.

The worst part in all of this is that someone (her client?) was impersonating me through Instant Messaging and trying to trigger suicide programming in some dear friends of mine. Another friend of mine stumbled upon this tactic, but it was before we knew what was going on with everyone else. This person had contacted her and she and I talked about. We even argued because I knew I had NOT written to her. We both just passed it off as some kind of wierd disagreement so we did not get the IM id being used.

This person would go for the littles who could be easily fooled into thinking it was me by using an IM id that was very close to mine (matching my email…but not matching the IM id I was really using). She told them horrible, evil things…coldhearted, mean things. It makes me angry to think of what she did to them.  She also, apparently, wrote emails in my name and even made phone calls. The amazing thing is that I did not even know the full names of some of these people…or where they lived. I did not have their phone numbers.

So dear friends of mine were seriously hurt…some of them ending up in the hospital…or worse…and they were convinced that I had done it to them…even though they knew it did not line up at all with what they knew of me. I had known some of these women for a couple of years and had even met one of them in person. With only a couple of exceptions…each one no longer believes it was me…for which I am grateful.

Another thing not being looked at is that the cults all use different programming. Yes, there are some similarities, but there are also many differences. It makes no sense that one person could use “code words”, etc. designed to trigger in so many different ones. I never got to see the IM’s, but someone who did told me that the wording was identical in each one. That made no sense. You would need different wording in each one. In fact, that was one of the things that clued her in to the fact that it was probably a setup.

Another factor is that I was supposed to be physically accessing someone when I have witnesses for where I was. I cannot be in two places at one time, especially when those two places are several states apart. But you know what I find really scary? The client of this therapist who I supposedly physically accessed was shown photos by the therapist of several women. The client was asked to pick out who amongst the photos accessed her. She picked one out and was told it was me.

Now, clearly it was NOT me since I was several states away. I wonder, though, since it WAS a picture of whomever DID do the accessing…HOW did this therapist have a picture of her? I don’t know about anyone else…but THAT is pretty scary to me. She has a photo of whomever really did the accessing and she lies and says it is me…even though I have witnesses as to my whereabouts. In fact, there are security guards amongst those witnesses.

Will I write anything at this place? I am tempted to…but in reality it would not do any good anyway. I think it would only stir things up. Some of those hurt already know the truth. The others are probably not ready for it. Yahweh knows the truth. I know the truth. My family and my former therapist know the truth. Isn’t that all that is really important anyway?

I really feel for all who have been used and deceived by this therapist. I feel even more for all who have been, and are being, hurt by her still.


God is Good and Calling Home

July 20, 2008

Life is good. Yahweh God is good. He is what makes life good. Otherwise, there really isn’t much this world has to offer to me. I see what is happening all around me. Things are coming to a head and we had all better be ready. I mean ready in the spiritual sense because I really don’t believe there is much we can do in the physical.

This world is running on a plan. Evil has a plan, and it will appear to work for awhile. Then it will fail. Yahweh God, who made all things, will always be the ultimate victor. He is more powerful than anyone, or anything, on this earth. Count on it! I eagerly await Yeshua/Jesus’ return.

My family wants me to reconnect with them. Call “home”. Check in. It is not going to happen. If it does, it will be on my terms, not theirs. Until Yahweh God makes it very clear that I am to call them, I won’t. Period. End of subject.

I have just gone through about a month of reconnect programming being triggered with several days this week being the strongest. Well, it did not work. Yahweh God is protecting me. He has shown me His protection, even to the point of sending angels (seen by someone else).

The one time I did get accessed, by a local therapist, it was because I was confused about what I was hearing inside. I saw the danger signs but did not properly interpret them. Still, He was there with me. He allowed me to realize what happened and taught me through it. I am wiser now. He turned it around for my good. Nothing happens without His either causing it or allowing it. I choose to trust Him for whatever happens…good or bad.

Several times He has clearly given me directions to keep me safe. I will keep on listening to Him and learning to hear Him better. If I am taken, He will use it somehow for my ultimate good, like teaching me. He will show Himself strong in me.

I will NOT fear!



April 10, 2008

It is no fun being triggered. That is a no brainer! I mean…heck…it goes without saying, right?

I feel as if I have been slammed back into my early recovery time. Well, not early recovery as a whole, early recovery as in the alcohol time. I was in recovery for a few years before I started to drink again and then realized that I needed to look at alcohol, too.

I don’t know if it is programming…and music was used for programming? Or if it is just the typical stuff of having had a problem with drugs and alcohol…if it is that “I want to change the way I feel” kind of thing going on. It can be hard to say. I just know that there are certain types of music, certain songs, that just pull me back to a time I don’t want to relive. And Saturday morning, I was in a place with that kind of music…feeling myself getting pulled into it. Along with it comes the feelings, the desires, the draws, the pulls, etc. I feel crazy inside.

I also feel rushed. I have been wanting to come and write, but I have been so busy…too busy in fact. It is overwhelming. And on top of all the busyness, I have been slammed into the past, struggling with some old issues, dealing with sickness in the family, etc. I feel as if what I am writing here is rather rushed… but oh, well. It is the best I can do right now. Ack!!! *smile*

I also feel kind of ticked off at my t right now…but that is a different subject that I am not prepared to get into at the moment. Maybe later when I have more time. It is actually good for me to feel anger. I know that he will be proud of me when he reads the email I sent telling him that I am angry with him. It does not say much…just that I am angry. With him.

Well, I gotta run. Got a lot to get done. I am going to try to get back here sooner.


Anniversaries and Bad Therapists

March 19, 2008

This is a cruddy time of year. The time between my sister’s birthday and the anniversary of her death…on my birthday…is hard. Add to that…bad therapists.

It was during this time last year that I was in between therapists. I had stopped going to one because things just did not feel right. I could not figure out what was wrong. For some reason part of me felt afraid when I would think of him, but I did not know why. So, this was the time when I was trying to uncover why the fear was there. And the anniversary of my discovery is coming up.

It was about the second week in April when I got my answer. My cult programming had been accessed and I had been betrayed and violated. Because of how it was done, I totally dissociated the whole thing. But it was in April that I started to get it back. I did several pieces of artwork in the process of working through it. Here is one of them. I wish I could get better pictures of my artwork.

Sadly, that was not the only betrayal I had to work through. I was also working with a t long distance via the phone and internet. I had met him in person and knew some of his clients. He was “helping” me to get to the bottom of this whole thing and ended being an arrogant guy who disrespected me and caused me a lot chaos and grief.

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