Posts Tagged ‘remembering’

h1

Un-Mother’s Day…Might Trigger

May 9, 2010

Today is Mother’s Day. It is a day of cards and flowers and cute poems about sweet mothers. If you grew up with a sweet mother that is fine. But what if your mother was not so sweet? Or worse…what if your mother was an abuser?

For years…even before I started remembering some things, I would struggle around Mother’s Day. I would read card after card trying to find something that I could honestly give her. I looked for things that simply wished her a nice day. When I would read cards about how wonderful mom was and how she was always there for me, I would just about choke.

I made this today for all those for whom “Mother’s Day” is NOT a joyful day…for those for whom it is a day filled with painful remembering and longing for the mother they wish they had and never did. It is for those who are still trying to heal from the wounds inflicted by their mothers. It is not really meant to send so much as it is to express a truth that you do not see expressed in the greeting card store.

I understand that my mother was wounded herself. I get that. She did what she was trained to do…and so did I. Then, by the grace of G-d, I broke free.  I hope that she breaks free someday, too. In the meantime, she does not seem to want anything to do with me.

This card…although I, personally, would never send it to her, speaks the truth.  I left it as a small thumbnail because it might be triggering to some people. However, if you click on it, you will see a larger image.

I hope that those of you who have been abused find peace. I hope you keep working on your healing and never give up. Don’t let your abusers win! Heal…in spite of them!

Oh…and Father’s Day is coming. I’ll be thinking about that one, too.

Advertisements
h1

How Do I Feel, a Webinar and Random Thoughts

April 13, 2010

That is the question that has haunted me most of my life. How do I feel? Most of the time I was clueless as to how I really felt. Taught all of my life to deny my feelings, I had no idea how to even really identify them…unless, of course, they were felt intensely. Anything that was not felt intensely, forget it. I had no idea what I was feeling. And intense feelings were verboten. Stuff. Hide. Deny. But do NOT feel…and, if you do…NEVER show it!

It took me a long time to get to the point of beginning to recognize feelings. One thing that helped me was locating lists of feeling words on the internet. As I looked over the lists, I found that I started to relate to them. Little by little, I started to connect what I was “feeling” to the words. I have used those word lists to do art projects to help get my feelings out of the deep well inside and up to my conscious mind.

I need to locate those lists on the internet again for a webinar I will be doing in August. As a non-artist, I will be showing how I used art in my healing and word lists are a part of that. I want to give the people who come to the webinar all the resources I can to help them.

So…how do I feel…right now? I am not sure. Ha! How is that for a typical answer? At the moment, I think I have reached a place of basic contentment. I am OK with my world. How long that will last…who knows? I am ready for my class today, so I guess that qualifies as “confident”? “Prepared”? Is “prepared” a feeling? I think maybe it is. I feel “ready”!

I am getting my hair cut today, so I feel “anticipation”. And, maybe, a bit “nervous”. I don’t have much hair and it is difficult to do much of anything with it. I am trying something a little bit different.

How have I been feeling lately? Well…I have been busy…trying to get some things done.  And that has left me feeling a bit “frustrated” at times. My CPU is not fast enough (big enough?) for the programs I need to run. Having to run only one or two programs at a time for this multi-tasking woman is frustrating. However, I am grateful to have my laptop and to be able to run them at all!

My living situation causes me to be frustrated at times…well…sometimes it is frustration, but mostly I think it is more like “resignation”. I have to remember (and accept) that there are things I simply cannot do in this environment. Looking ahead, hopefully our situation will change over the summer. That will be great…if it happens.

If it happens, it will make it easier for me to get photos of the artwork I will need to share in the webinar. If it does not, I may be scrambling to do it elsewhere. Timing can be everything. I hope we are not moving during webinar time. Yikes! So, I stay in today. While the future is floating around in my mind somewhere, I do not focus on it. I pay it just enough attention so that I will be prepared and ready when the times comes to do the webinar, but not enough attention that I begin to fret over things that are beyond my control. And, if I need to, I can put the webinar off.

I am actually doing pretty well for this time of year. As my birthday approaches, I am sure it will start to hit more. My birthday is the anniversary of my sister’s death…a death that may have been a warning to me. And, sometimes, I wonder if she is even really dead. It did not look like her and my father would not allow me to be alone with her. I know they can stage those things. Did they? Do they have her hidden somewhere? I hate to even think of it. So, I pray for her…just in case.

Anyway, these are random thoughts, some attempted expressions of feelings, a bit of an update. What I feel can change on a moment’s notice. So, I am going to post this before what I feel changes…again.

%d bloggers like this: