Posts Tagged ‘risks’


Those Times in Life

July 7, 2009

This is one of those times in life when I am feeling like I am in transition. I am questioning where I belong. Yet, wondering where I belong seems to be something that all severe abuse survivors  persistently struggle with. Our sense of who we are, what value we have and where we fit in has been so struck down by the abuse.

Our abusers tried so hard to rob of us any self of worth and value. Yet, our Creator created us in His image. I mean…gosh…how much more value can you have??? Perhaps that is why they tried so hard to destroy that…because they are so out of touch with the Creator themselves. They do not see their own value and cannot stand for anyone else to have a sense of value.

Who are we? We are the Creator’s creation…the people He made…in the universe that He made. Elohim, the Creator, loves us so much that He not only made us in His image, but He gave us the free will to disobey the rules for safety and happiness that He gave us. Then…when we broke those rules, He sent a part of Himself down to take care of it. How much more value can we possibly have than that?

I am a daughter of the Most High God…Yahweh. He is Adonai-Tzva’ot! That makes me special. He says I am the apple of His eye.

They also tried to make me too fragile and messed up to be able to do much good. I was meant to be a drain on any congregation I am a part of…instead of an asset. The idea was also to make me always aware that I am different from others…to always feel uncomfortable and uncertain in any social setting that I might find myself in.  They wanted me teo always be off kilter emotionally and yes…even mentally.

What they neglected to count on, though, was the Spirit of the Living Creator that dwelt inside of me. They introduced me to Him when I was young…and I understood it enough to become one of His children. Since then, I have had the Holy Spirit living inside of me. On some level, that tempered the effects of the abuse. It did not nullify them, but it did cause the abuse to effect me in different ways than other abuse survivors I have met who did not come to know the Creator until much later in life.  My system was set up a bit differently.

I have occasionally met others who are like me…but only rarely. They, too, came to know Him very young in life and they have also experienced some of the same things that I have in their systems.

There is always the struggle to know where I fit in. It feels as if I really don’t fit in much of anywhere…even with other survivors. It is not their fault. I know many who have welcomed me. Yet…the feeling persists.

It is not simply a matter of belonging…it is also a matter of feeling comfortable.  For so many years I have felt very socially inept…and I DO mean inept. I was always terrified that I would say or do the wrong thing. It was a very crippling way to be. That is much, much better. However, I can still find myself getting triggered back into that mode.

No matter where I am I have to hide my deepest self from those around me. I even have to hide it from my spouse to some extent. Some of that is because we have no privacy in our living situation. That is supposed to change within the next few months.  When it does, though, I really have no idea how open I can be. I am so used to hiding…a LOT.

Will I ever truly feel as if I really belong with others? I really don’t know. Maybe. I mean…it is isn’t as bad as it used to be. The thing is…even if I do feel as if I “fit”…I still cannot share the deepest things about me because the average person simply would not understand. They might not even believe it. What a risk it is to share. Once shared…it can never be taken back. Do I risk sharing something about myself that can make me look like a freak to others?


Being a Truth Teller

May 10, 2008

I have been called a “truth teller” by one of my t’s. I tenaciously seek truth. I want to live my life by truth. I want truth in the little things, not just in the big things. I hate hearing a story about a plane that went down in Brazil and then hearing the same story…only the plane went down in Paraquay (if it is a true story). Yes, that can make me a pain in the arse and I have learned to let go of a lot of that…so as to not be annoying. *smile*

When I examine myself, I try to see everything I can see for I know that I can be deceived and I can deceive myself. My processing, when I journal, is one of boldly going from one thought to the next and seeing where it will take me. I make connections between things and uncover things and discover things. Others who have read my processing have said that they love watching the progression of thought. They understand what I am doing.

I AM stickler for details. But you know what? If I don’t take care to value the truth in ALL situations, regardless of how important they are, how can I be trusted to value it at all? I think of Yeshua saying “He who is faithful in a very little is faithful also in much. He who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much.” I know He was talking about money there, but I truly believe that applies to all of life. Would I want to entrust my money to one who had a tendency to not be 100% truthful? Of course not! I know I don’t always get it right, but I do take pains to try and make sure, to the best of my ability, that I get every detail as correctly as I can.

I have a dear friend who has insisted that it is OK to exaggerate to make a point. He is finally getting it that exaggeration is just another form of lying. Either the statement is true as it is spoken…or it is not. If it is not…it is a lie. Real truth does not NEED exaggeration! It stands on its own merit.

It annoys me when I hear people twist things and slant things so that it ends up sounding like something it is not. Ironically, I have been accused of doing that very thing! But the ones who are closest to me…the ones who see what my accusers do not…the ones who live with me and work with me…they don’t see me doing that. Yes, they do see my imperfectness…of which there is much. Yes, they do see me misunderstand things at times. Yet, they also see me persist in seeking it out until I DO understand. I will wrestle with things…even hard things…until I can get to what is truth. Even so, I will bring the statements made against me to them. Perhaps, I am missing something. It is easy to be blind to our own stuff…so easy. *sigh*

I was told by one of my pastors yesterday morning that he was impressed with how I don’t just hit reply and kick off a “regrettable response”. I chew on it. I think on it. I pray on it. When necessary, I seek counsel on it. I don’t just assume that I know best and then run with that. I dig it out.

Being a truth teller can be very hard. I did not ask to be this way. Yet, I would rather be known for this than to be known for being unreliable in what I say. Yahweh has had to give me courage to speak up, even when I am trembling with fear. So many times, after I have asked questions in a group, or pointed out things, others in the group said they were SO grateful that I did. They actually came out and said “thank you”! They shared how they were wondering the same thing…or thought the same thing, but were too timid or afraid to ask it or say it. This has happened many times.

I take the chances. I take the risk of getting hit for pointing out things that others might not want pointed out. I do this because it is the right thing to do.

Ah…the right thing to do…that could be the subject of another post…as I am wrestling right now with that very issue. But even the “right thing to do” ends up being decided upon a foundation of truth. We cannot decide the right thing if we do not work from a position of truth.

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