Posts Tagged ‘secrets’

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What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

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Secrets

March 1, 2008

We all have secrets…all of us!

The way I see it, there are different kinds of secrets.

One kind consists of things you don’t want anyone, ever, to know about. These are the ones you want to take to your grave…the ones you are absolutely determined that NO one in this life will ever hear.

Another kind consists of things that you don’t want everyone to know, but you will share them with one really trusted person…or maybe even two. Chances are, if you have several of this kind of secret, you may have shared all of them at least once, but probably not with the same person.

Then there are the kind that you are OK with sharing in a trusted small group. You hope that they will keep it within the group. Or, you share them with one other person because you can see that they have gone through something similar and so you dare to take the risk.

Then there are those that you are willing to share on a larger level…say at a retreat, a conference or a luncheon, as a speaker. These are not so secret as you know it may get around. Of course, if you write a book about it, it isn’t really a secret anymore! Although, there are some who do write anonymously.

These secrets consist of basically two kinds of things…those that are done BY us and those that are done TO us. We are ashamed or embarrassed about the things we have done…things we believe will cause others to reject us or look down on us. But isn’t it amazing that we can have those same feelings about things done TO us? I mean…why is that? We oftentimes have no control over things done TO us!

Why is it that a woman who is raped is ashamed to say anything? Or a child who is molested, even once he/she grows up, is ashamed to say anything about it? I believe a lot of it is the lies we were told when it happened. The predator, the rapist, the molester, the beater…they all tell the victim that it is the victim’s fault. We take on that lie and believe that there must have been something we could have done to stop it…or to prevent it. It does not matter that they were bigger than us…or stronger than us…or that they were a group…or had a weapon or…fill in the blank. What is even worse is that society will often tell us the same lie. *sigh*

How many times has a victim, regardless of age, been made to feel as if they are the guilty one? As if they somehow made it happen? Or allowed it to happen? The victim is given a power they do not really have, which actually strips them many times of the power they should have to heal…the power they should be receiving from getting support and from seeing the real guilty party called into justice.

So…what do we do with our secrets? How do we know what to share? Or how to share? And who do we trust with our secrets? Do we keep them? Or do we become open and transparent about our life experiences? How do we receive healing if we never say anything about them? How do we walk in the realization that there are those who will love us no matter what we have done or gone through?

I hope to look at some of these questions in this blog.

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