Posts Tagged ‘spirituality’

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I am concerned…

September 9, 2012

…about my nation.

I read the The Harbinger by Jonathan Cahn and the facts he presents have been checked and double checked by many. These things happened and they follow an uncanny pattern. The odds are astronomical for just a couple of these things, let alone all of them.

I know our nation has been going downhill for a good many years. I have watched it and felt helpless to do anything to stop the downward spiral. My heart and spirit are grieving. I am praying and bracing myself for the judgment that I see coming…or perhaps that has even already started.

I pray it is not too late. But if we do not wake up and repent and turn back to the Creator of all, I fear that our nation is falling. Life as we know it will never be the same. Am I ready? Are you ready?

If you can, please get The Harbinger and read it. I have read the naysayers, but they clearly have either not read the book or they simply completely missed the point. (I am actually being gracious here as some of them have been downright nasty.) The fact is that there are many others who are seeing this and blowing the naysayers articles apart point by point.

The best thing, of course, is to get the book and read it for yourself. You will never look at what is happening in the world the same way again.

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Thinking back…

August 14, 2012

In between preparing for another year of home schooling and a potential huge change in our living situation, I have been thinking about why I was so triggered the other day. I think I know why.

There are some who interpret scripture in such a way as to say that an abused wife must stay with her husband…that is is G-d’s will for her to do so! The scriptures they use to “justify” this position are not really saying that at all.

It is really frustrating when people take English translations and make dogmas out of them not realizing that there is no precise translation from one language to another. Word for word is impossible and, sometimes, even thought for thought is a real challenge. You have to take so many things into consideration. The author. The audience. The culture. The language. The idioms. The style of writing. The style of expression. How the author likely meant it and how it would have been understood by the reader/listener.

What is even harder is when I run into someone who is unwilling to even hear about these things. They simply want it to say what they want it to say. The idea that they might be wrong is simply not acceptable to them. They do not want their “world” to be shaken. And I can understand that…I truly can. I have had some major paradigm shifts in my own understanding of G-d and the scriptures. And there was a time when my self-confidence, my self-image, was very dependent upon my being “correct”. But sooner or later we need to mature and grow and heal so that we can truly say, “Show me the Truth, L-rd. Show me the Truth!”…even when it is something that is uncomfortable…something I do not like or really want to see.

While these people are annoying, that is not what was so triggering. It was the idea that an abused wife should stay with her husband…that she has no real recourse. That makes the woman (and, potentially, her children) trapped in a situation that will only perpetuate the abuse on to the next generation if it is not stopped. It also has to potential to damage the children’s relationship with, and understanding of, G-d.

Children tend to view G-d in the same way they view their fathers, which is not surprising given that G-d presents Himself as a “Father”, even though G-d actually has no gender or has even both. We are made in His image…male and female. When children are abused in the home it tends to cloud their image of G-d. When they are abused in the church, or by church people, or in the “name of G-d” (which is a lie, for G-d does not approve of abuse), children tend to get confused about the nature and character of G-d…and understandably so.

I had scriptures used against me by my abusers. My father quoted the commandment to honor my parents to me…while either not understanding what “honor” really means…or understanding and simply being manipulating. I was even an adult at the time! Oh, I have been accused of breaking a few commandments. I have had spirituality used against me by church leaders. And I have had spirituality used in very healing ways.

But back to being triggered. I think it was the idea of the woman being trapped…no way out…no recourse…no support. Now way to turn…no where to run. When someone tells me that, it is very difficult to not view that person as either an abuser currently, or a non-abuser who would turn a deaf ear and blind eye, or a potential future abuser. You see, this kind of belief gives the husband a kind of power that I do not believe G-d ever intended in His word. And we know what a lot of power can do to some people. I shudder to think of it.

I believe that the triggering is a form of emotional flashback. I was thrown back, in essence, to the time when I felt trapped…whether as a child or an adult…to a time when I felt helpless and hopeless. Thankfully, that is no longer my life, but I sure can get triggered and thrown back into that emotional state.

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Life Is Good…

August 4, 2012

Life is good…I cannot complain. I am growing spiritually and some mighty big changes might be around the corner. Right now I am pretty tired and is late, but I just wanted to check in. I talking to my former therapist once a month. That feels good. It isn’t really therapy. In fact, I don’t know that it ever really has been. She was always an amazing, understanding support to me. It is nice to just be able to check in with her. I do still miss being able to see her. It always felt more like visiting with a mentor than it did seeing a therapist.

Life is good…I am slowly getting into a bit of a routine even though hubby works a really odd schedule that is practically no schedule at all. I pretty much get up around the same time every day…regardless of when I go to bed. That is a step in the right direction. Every once in a while I oversleep, but I think I am just catching up on my sleep from the nights when I don’t quite get enough.

Life is good…I am loved by my husband and children. I am loved by the L-rd G-d of Heaven and earth. I know who I am…even if I am still a bit amnesic. The amnesia does not really bother me. I know who I am. I know enough about what I have been through that the rest does not matter. I do admit that it still feels kind of weird not remembering living with my sister. But what I do remember does not encourage me to want to remember any more.

Life is good…my body seems to be healing. (I will claim that it is.) I am at peace with my G-d, with myself and with my fellow-man. Although there are some who have issue with me…I am OK with that. I am OK with seeing things differently. I am OK with agreeing to disagree. For me, disagreeing does not mean being disagreeable. It just means being different.

Life is good…my world may be changing in a big way again…soon. Although I am not a huge fan of change, there are changes that are very good. If this one happens…it will be very good.

Life is good…I feel my creativity is sparking up again. I like that. It is fun. I am being challenged in some areas and I am holding my own. That feels good. I am doing OK. Yay!

Life is good…I feel SAFE! I hope you do, too.

I hope that life is good for you, too.

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Life Goes On…

June 25, 2012

I had a wonderful time of reflection. Since it was time alone interspersed with hubby being around, I was also busy with other things. But the times alone that I got were precious and very refreshing. I am working on finding ways to continue it in smaller time periods.

I got the chance to talk with my former therapist and we are going to do a once a month check in which I SO appreciate. She is a wonderful woman to bounce things off of. She knows me well, walked me through some really tough times and I know she shoots straight with me. She also loves unconditionally and is a woman of G-d. She understands my spirit as well as my experiences.

I am slowly reworking my priorities…for a better heart connection with my Creator and for a better all around life. There will always be challenges and struggles in life and I believe our country is headed for some tougher times if we don’t repent and turn back to G-d. I want to be ready and the readiest I can be is to be as close as I can with my Creator…with my heavenly Abba/Daddy/Father and my Messiah…Yeshua.

I hope you are all ready for what is coming down the road. I know I sure don’t “feel” ready. I am totally relying upon Yeshua to get me through it.

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Entering Into a Period of Reflection

June 16, 2012

I am taking time this next week to reflect on my life and on what I am supposed to do with my time and energy…such as it is. I have been feeling overwhelmed and too busy. I need a break…a rest…and I am taking one. With one third of my family gone, I am using the time alone to just spend time with G-d…to seek His wisdom and guidance. I hope to start doing more writing, but I am not really sure, yet, where writing will fit. I know it will be there…just not sure where…yet.

I have a phone appointment with my old therapist this week. I really miss her and am going to ask how much it would cost to do a once a month call. I really feel that I need to have SOMEONE I can talk to about the realities of my life…someone who will understand and who knows me.

My life has been going through some major shifts in understanding…especially in the realm of spirituality. I still worship the Creator as is revealed in the Bible, but my understanding is way deeper. Some might call me a heretic, but there a lot of others like me out there.

Meredith wrote recently about pushing through life. That really struck a chord with me because that is the way I have been feeling for a long time. I am tired of pushing through. I need to find out what the Creator wants me to do…not what I want to do or what others want me to do. I know that my greatest fulfillment will come in doing what I am called to do.

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It Would Be Nice If…

May 19, 2012

It would be nice if we were in the world to come and tears would no longer be flowing…or at least not tears of sorrow. I don’t mind tears of joy, but I am tired of tears for seemingly no reason…or tears of grief. My heart is so heavy and I am not completely sure why.

It could be the inhumanity to humankind that I see people perpetrating against one another.

It could be the hateful words I see being thrown around.

It could be the news of my mother followed by a sense of betrayal and being used by someone with whom I thought I was building a friendship.

It could be a bunch of things. I just know that I am deeply grieving and hurting.

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Curve Balls in Life…

April 1, 2012

Life is full of surprises. Just when I think I am on a somewhat even keel…something happens to remind me that my “even keel” is, at times, rather precarious. Want an example? I could give many, but I will give one from tonight.

I am still working through my mother’s death and all the weirdness surrounding it and my whole life. Still being partially amnesic adds an interesting element to the mix.  I was not close to my mother, so her death does not hold the sting of losing something I had. Rather, it is about losing the opportunity to ever have it…in this life. I will never be close to her. There will never be reconciliation…in this life. We won’t hug…

I thought I was doing pretty much OK…getting back to some kind of even keel…when I saw a movie scene tonight that triggered a crying jag. Yeah…I am still affected by it. Can’t really help that. It was of a mother and son reconciling. I had seen this movie several times before, but this is the first time since word of her death.

(OK…gonna ramble a bit here.)

And speaking of her death…not only did my father not notify us, he did not notify anyone in her family either. The only obituary I could find did not list any next of kin…not even my father…who is already remarried. I wish I could find a wedding date, but the state they live in holds those kinds of record private. Only one year and 3 months ago she died and he is remarried. Like father like son? Family legacy? I don’t know. What can you say about generational abuse? It keeps on passing down. I am doing my darndest to make sure it stops in my generation. I really don’t know how successful I was at that. Perhaps that is one of the blessings of amnesia.

Anyway…just needed to get some thoughts out here tonight. I am still processing. I will be for a long time. And I am working on forgiveness. I refuse to lock myself in a prison of the heart by holding a grudge. Just not going there. I choose to walk in freedom and my heavenly Abba helps me to do that. I sure could not do it on my own. Nope. No way.

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Living Life in the Face of Nastiness…

March 30, 2012

There are people in life who are simply nasty. They are mean, disrespectful and really don’t care how what they do affects others. When confronted with such people, we have choices to make. We can either react to them, wherein we lose ourselves by allowing them to control our lives and determine how we will live. Or, we can respond to them, wherein we maintain our own autonomy and integrity and choose how we shall live. I prefer the latter. That is my choice.

When I am confronted by nasty negative people I choose to remember that I, too, have had my “moments” of being nasty or ugly. It may not have been intentional. I may not have even been aware of how I was coming across. Or, I may have realized it as it was happening, but did not know how to “fix” it. Or maybe there was no fix…the damage was already done. Any way you look at it, I have had a negative impact on others at times in my life. So, I believe it is worthwhile to remain humble toward others, recognizing that I am certainly not perfect, either!

I also try to remember that everyone is the way they are for a reason. For good or bad, we have all had negative and positive experiences in life that have helped to shape us into what we are today. Sometimes, the balance between positive and negative was fairly even overall. But for some of us, one heavily outweighed the other.

For those whose positive experiences heavily outweighed the negative it can be difficult to understand those of who whose lives were the opposite. We may fumble where they do not. We may react to things that do not faze them one bit. I think it is good when each person can believe another’s story and try to imagine living in that reality. It can help us to be more empathetic toward others.

For those of us who weigh heavily on the negative, and some even in the extreme, it can be difficult to imagine life without that. We see the way others live and struggle to comprehend how they can do that. It just isn’t even on our radar.

Thankfully, though, there can be some good experiences even in the midst of craziness and evil, that give us some positive skills for life. For me, knowing my Creator made a HUGE difference. It is part of what helped to shape me and, I think, to temper how the abuse affected me.

I still deal with the physical effects of trauma brain and I can still experience flashbacks that are part of PTSD and getting  triggered.  However, I have learned over the years how to cope and work around the aftereffects. I know what I can do and what I cannot do and I no longer feel guilt or shame over what I cannot do…even when others do not understand. It is frustrating at times when people look less favorably upon me for what I cannot do. They cannot comprehend how even the simplest of things can be overwhelming at times. But I have learned to live with that and simply accept that there are things they simply do not know and, even if they did, might not be able to understand.

Life is good…even when it is hard. I am OK with that. My heavenly Abba/Father/true Daddy walks with me. So does my Messiah…Yeshua. Their Ruach/Spirit lives within me and that strengthens and comforts me…especially when life is hard.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to hold grudges. I refuse to not forgive. I choose to walk in freedom with my head held high…even when I am shaking inside.

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Grieving the Finality of What Will Never Be…

March 9, 2012

I found out yesterday that my mother passed away on December 24, 2010. Yep…that is 1 year, 2 months and 14 days, plus or minus. And he is already remarried…I have NO idea for how long.

We permitted our son to call my mother…it’s a long story. When he asked about his grandmother, my father told him that she had died two years ago on a date my son did not remember. I got the actual date by calling the coroner’s office. They were able to confirm the date of her death and the cause…melanoma. I was told that she had been in hospice care, which was why her death was reported to them. It is a law in that state to report all deaths of people in hospice care.

Over the years I have grieved for what was and grieved for what wasn’t. And now, I need to grieve for what for sure will never be. There will never be reconciliation. Never be recognition. Never be an apology or forgiveness extended. Never be so many things.

I have a lot to think about…and a lot to feel. It can be difficult not to second-guess myself, but there are things I need to face in order to settle things in my own mind and heart. I was told she was dying, but not that she was in hospice care or that it was imminent. My father just kept playing games and, I believe, actually kept us apart…especially given what she said in the one time I did talk to her…a call that was interrupted by my father.

Things are a bit complicated and I am having to sort them all out. I need to own whatever is mine and refuse to take on whatever is not. I will not try to pick up another’s guilt. It is simply not mine to carry. Nor is it for me to run from my responsibilities. I went into this with eyes wide open. I knew the risks. I took the chance. Now it is over. Now I will process from a different place…on the other side of her death.

It is sad when someone lies so much that even when they tell the truth it is not the whole story and you don’t really know what you can believe. There are so many what ifs that I could run through. And taking a look is not a bad idea…but living there is. I must face what I must face and trust my heavenly Abba to walk me through to the other side. He has never let me down.

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Stability?

February 2, 2012

My family is probably in what most would call a very unstable situation. While our living quarters are much improved…albeit unfinished…we have zero income. Well, let me clarify that. Unemployment has run out and there is still no real job offer. Scary, right?

Actually, it is not. We are seeing G-d move in amazing ways. Our bills are paid. We have plenty of food. Odd jobs are coming our way. The wood stove is in and we have free wood for the winter…which is much milder than we expected. Life is actually good.

There are things I do struggle with, however. Our house is very chaotic and cluttered (due in large part to being unfinished and having no real outside storage at the moment) and I don’t do real well with that.  It is hard to find and keep track of things. Cleaning is a real challenge so there is a lot of dust and an untidy appearance. I have to constantly be aware of my surroundings to make sure I do not trip or bump into things. In a sense, I think it is not too dissimilar to the hyper-awareness that comes with PTSD. Regardless of the cause…it is a mental energy drain.

With hubby being unemployed, that means that this introvert has one more person’s presence I am always aware of. And yes, even just the awareness can be a bit of a mental drain, even if he is not interrupting me a lot like my son does. Like his father, he is in an extrovert so I am outnumbered here. It is difficult to get anything done…like writing here, for example! Trying to have a routine or schedule is pretty much impossible…or at least one that is very structured.

There are some things I can do to help achieve more stability in this environment. The first one, of course, is to really focus on my Creator. The closer I draw to Yeshua/Jesus…to YHWH of the bible, the better I handle the curve balls that life keeps throwing at my family. The more time I spend just interfacing with G-d and reading/studying His words, the better I do life.

Another thing that helps is to remember what works best for me…what I most need. As an introvert, I need time alone…time to just be quiet and “be”. I rarely have that so I really need to make ways to get it. Sometimes that means telling my family “no” and why. They are actually understanding and supportive if I just remind them of what I need as an introvert! I rarely even need to bring up that I am a survivor.

Because I am busy, I need to be very selective about how I spend my time. I try not to focus on things that are not going to help me grow and reach my goals. I try to focus on positive and uplifting things rather than ones that are either negative or  just frivolous. When I need to laugh, I focus on something humorous. If I need uplifting, I focus on something that is encouraging. What I focus on makes a difference in how I do life. Whether it is something to read, hear or watch I am learning to ask myself if it is really helpful or just a time waster. That is not to say that there aren’t times when I need to just do something a bit frivolous for my state of mind, but if it becomes a habit I know I am probably just avoiding something.

Which brings up another thing that helps…keeping short accounts and facing things head on. It takes more energy to avoid facing painful things that I need to work on than it does to simply work on them so that I can move on! It also takes more energy to stay angry at someone or to be fretting about how I have hurt someone than it does to let it go or go work things out with the person.

I have also learned to move within my limitations. I know…a lot of people see limitations as a negative thing. Well, I don’t. If I acknowledge realistic limitations and boundaries it enables me to move about more freely inside of them. Otherwise, I will stretch myself too thing trying to do too many things. I will be constantly drained and I won’t do any of them very well. I prefer to rotate my focus. I have several blogs and I take turns writing in them. I have Facebook and I slip that in, although I am trying to spend a lot less time there because I believe it can be a very frivolous thing if I am not carefully guarding my time there. I like to cook and organize my house and do assorted other things, but I cannot do them all at once. I have to take turns and there are some things I simply have to put on “hold” for the time being…like my poetry writing (or even getting what I already have written up on that blog).

I would rather do less and live in peace than try to do it all and constantly feel chaos within me. The world can get along without me, but I do hope that I can brighten at least my corner of it once in a while. I don’t want to be too busy to do that!

Well, I hope today’s ramblings will help someone. I know that writing things out helps me. It reminds of what is important and it helps me to get my thoughts in order and clarify things for myself! That helps me to overcome the chaos and clutter around me!

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When Sadness Comes…

November 14, 2011

It is always amazing to me that I will be doing seemingly well…and then the sadness hits. I’m not sure of the cause, although I can certainly think of things that could cause it.

Life is neither good or bad…it just is. Good things happen. Bad things happen…and a whole lot in between. What makes the biggest difference in my life is how I choose to respond to it.

Will I allow the attacks of my spiritual enemy to bring me down? Or will I recognize the temporariness of the attacks and the inevitable end of my adversary?

Will I allow the bad behavior of others to overtake me? Or, will I rise above it…recognizing that the other person is a wounded soul…like me?

Will I allow the losses of people I care about overwhelm me with grief? Or will I recognize that they had every opportunity to choose YHWH? Will I walk in the hope of seeing them again?

Will I allow the suffering that the human race brings upon itself through its disobedience to YHWH’s ways cause me to despair? Or, will I look forward to that time when all suffering (and rebellion) will be gone?

As I sit in my feelings of sadness, pondering life, my heart turns toward my Abba. His love is a comfort to me…His heart touches mine in ways like no one else’s does. It is especially in times of sadness that I am more aware of YHWH’s arms around me…more aware of my future destiny with Him. This world is not my home.

One of the results of my life experiences is that I often don’t feel comfortable socially. I don’t really feel as if I fit in much of anywhere…and, yes, sad to say…that even includes gatherings or groups of “Christians”. But I know there is more to it than that. It is also part of knowing that this is not really my home. This world is very fallen and I just don’t belong here. It is my calling and my purpose to remain here for a while longer…yes. But ultimately…I am going to be with Yeshua forever.

That is my real home. That is where I will feel the most comfortable and where I will most fit in. That is where I will be completely healed and will no longer struggle.

I look forward to it.

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Regarding My Mother…

May 20, 2011

My sister is dead. My mother is going to die. So is my father. Those are important things for me to keep in mind. I liken my relationship (or lack thereof) with them to my relationship with my ex. So first, I want to talk a little bit about my divorce.

When I came into my first marriage, both of us were very broken…although I do not believe either of us had any idea really just how broken we were. I know I sure did not. I still did not have any clear memories of sexual abuse or ritual abuse, although I did “know” that something was wrong. I I always “felt” that I was somehow different from other folks…I just did not understand it all.

Two very broken people tried to make a marriage. It didn’t work very well. Over the years, we both suffered. We both did things that were unhealthy. I had to learn to make healthy boundaries. It took me a LONG time, but I did finally start making them right about the time my second child was a toddler.

I did it in baby steps so that it would not be noticed for the real boundary drawing had to begin in my heart. It had to begin inside before it could be expressed outwardly. So, I started to say “no” inside and then used little things to move it to the outside…little unnoticed things that slowly built up and gave me strength.

Several years later (about 9), it culminated in my outwardly saying “no” and drawing the biggest boundary I think I had ever set up to that point. I knew there could be some very serious ramifications, but I was “prepared”. Meaning that I was ready to take whatever came…no matter how ugly or painful. I said “no” and it got hairy, resulting in a final separation within the week and, ultimately, in a divorce.

There are three key things here.  One…I did everything I knew to do to make my marriage work. Two…when it all came down, I drew firm boundaries and stuck to them. I stood my ground. Third…my family is generational cult.

I have a lot of reasons to believe that my marriage was cult arranged. That kind of colors everything that happened. I was still “tied” to my parents, but I did not understand it. When we separated, they moved in. Very handy. Thankfully, my parents did not live with me for very long. They moved out of the area about an hour and a half away which gave me a good reason not to see them very often. Several months later, I and boys moved in with some other people and lived with three different families before getting into our own home.

When I separated…which was one of many miracles in my life…I had tried everything I knew to make the marriage work. However, while I drew closer and closer to G-d, he drew further and further from Him. We were going in opposite directions. I was working on my issues. He was…well…let’s just say he was definitely NOT working on his issues and leave it at that. Things were getting worse and worse as I got stronger and stronger until it finally came to a head and G-d told me to set that final boundary.

After we separated, I gave him every opportunity. I was willing to go to counseling. I was willing to wait a year while he dealt with his drug and alcohol issues. At the same time, I would not let him back into the house (not even in a separate bedroom) for that year. I withstood his attempts to “blackmail” me over the support he was voluntarily giving me and exposed his tactic to the courts. Every move he made, I countered. I stood my ground. Anything I gave to him I did of my own choice, not because I felt I had to. I fought for the sake of my children, and I no longer sacrificed myself to him out of a mistaken idea that it would somehow benefit them.

When it was all said and done and the decree came, I stood tall knowing that I had truly done all I could to save that marriage. My conscience was clear. I walked in my integrity. Even though I filed for separation and then divorce, he was the one who chose to walk away by refusing to do anything to save the marriage. He refused counseling. He refused to deal with his multiple addictions. He tried every manipulation tactic in the book, but G-d had brought me to a place of being able to recognize what was happening and to withstand them all.

Now, with my parents, it is similar. When they die, I will know that I tried everything I could, while maintaining healthy boundaries, to give them an opportunity to have some kind of relationship. I don’t need one with them although it would be nice. In fact, I really doubt that anything beyond the surface is even possible short of a HUGE miracle because my father still wants to control me, but he cannot.

I broke free of them about 9 years ago. It was a difficult journey, but just like in my marriage, G-d prepared me. He took me step by step by step, helping me to see the truth and to respond to that truth with boundary drawing. He also blessed me with a good non-cult husband (another miracle) who helped me. I cannot imagine trying to do it without him.

So, yes, I still contact my folks from time to time. I offer them an opportunity to get real on some level…or to at least talk about life in general. Yes, my father sends me BS and tries to give me grief and my mother ignores me after telling me that she really wants to talk to me. That is OK. I know not to take it personally. I am offering them a gift. If they refuse to take it, I will walk tall in my integrity. I will mourn for what could have been, but I will know I did my best and my conscience will remain clear.

I really think the biggest key is motivation. My motivation is one of love for them…in spite of them. It is a love I can only have because Yeshua enables me to have it. I have been forgiven for SO much. I know the darkness of my own heart (and I am sure it is even darker that I can see). How can I not forgive them and love them? They, too, are survivors. All of us are, in one way or another. Some are just more so than others.

Forgiveness and love do NOT mean letting them be ugly with me. It means standing in front of them and responding rather than reacting. I can do that now. I could not do that before. The programming is broken. The chains are gone. I have been set free.

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Art, Art, Art…and Tears…

January 3, 2011

I have been adding more of my art to my art blog.

In between, I was listening to a teaching by a pastor acquaintance of mine named Glen. As usual, it brought tears to my eyes. He and another leader (Jim) are some of the few people I know who really seem to love unconditionally. Actually, I think all the leaders there do.

Glen and Jim accept DID and one of them had even interacted with a multiple prior to meeting me. They are not experts or anything, but they care and they love. Jim has really helped me a lot. I met them both at an online seminar given by Christian in Recovery. If we lived in Phoenix, we would be attending their congregation in a heartbeat.

I have also had the privilege of helping to proofread/edit a book Glen and Jim co-wrote. They have amazing insights into the word of G-d and how things are supposed to be, but tend to not be. Their congregation is set up like no other I know of. It is not your traditional meeting. So, when I listen, I tend to cry because I wish I was able to be there…to be a part of what they are doing. Every time I hear one of their teachings I am reminded of the body ministry that is so lacking in most of our “church” experiences.

I am probably rambling right now. I am not up to trying to write a “polished” post. This is a time of struggle. Things are pressing in upon me and I am tired. I keep looking forward to getting out of this tiny place. I want to have the freedom to go to bed when I please and get up when I please. I want to be laying where the heater is not blowing directly upon me…causing me to wake up at night because it keeps sticking on. I want to be able to get up and get my body moving without needing to be concerned about someone “camping” in the only bathroom we have. I want a lot of things and I try not to be ungrateful for what we have. After all, we could be on the street.

We just went through a couple of days of having on and off water. We had a leak, then a broken pipe and then the water hose froze. Things are breaking down in here and not all of them are simple to fix. We need to get out of here…soon. We are hoping by the end of the month, but I don’t know.

I could write more, but it would probably sound like a whine party. All I need is some cheese and bread to go with it. (That was a lousy attempt at humor.) I have to say that, if I did not know who I am in the Creator, I would give up. Quite frankly, He is the reason I am alive. He is the reason I have any sanity left at all…although some may question whether or not I really have some. Oh, well. Such is life, right?

I wish everyone well. Keep your head and heart up. There are better things to come…even if it does not seem like it right now.

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Still Here…and Freedom Run Ministries…

November 29, 2010

I haven’t completely dropped off the face of the earth! It only feels like it at times. I have been sick. Ugh! And my laptop is sick. Even after getting it back from the repair depot it STILL is not working right. Now I cannot even upload anything. Thankfully, I uploaded almost all of my art pieces for my art blog before I sent it in the first time. I just need to write the posts and get them published.

Still…this is annoying. I am very grateful for the gift of this laptop, but I simply cannot recommend Lenovo. They keep saying it is software. Well, if it is…it has to be THEIR software! They have already replaced the wi-fi card and then sent it back with some of my keyboard keys not working. Anyway, there is a whole lot more to this story, but I won’t bore anyone with the details. Suffice it to say, another shipping box comes tomorrow.

Being sick has one advantage. It gets my mind off of my parents…at least once the crazy thought cycling that tends to happen when I am sick calms down. I feel as if I have better clarity right now. I wrote my father and asked if he and my mother are OK. Mentioning that she was not responding to my emails, I wrote that I hope she is alright.

Now…I am done. Unless, of course, he responds. In that case, whether or not I am done will depend upon his response. For now, I am pushing them into the background of my thoughts and mind…and, possibly, right out the back door.

I believe in honoring my parents to the best of my ability. In this case, honoring them may mean leaving them alone. It did before. Maybe it is again. Someday…if we ever get into the house…I will probably do some artwork on this…and allow myself to feel grief. Right now…I cannot. I still feel too crummy to focus on anything very deep. And that is OK!

Life can have some very interesting turns. It is never boring. I meet new people…make new connections. I found a new resource called Freedom Run Ministries. You will find links in my sidebar. So many people do not want to focus on the spiritual side of Ritual Abuse. They do not believe there are any dark spirit entities that can play a role in the affairs of humans. When you do not know your enemy…you are in double danger. I hope you will check out their site. They are in the process of putting together lists of resources for survivors. They are doing their best to keep the list to safe resources. But, as I have learned in life, safety is something we are all responsible for. No one can know for sure that a person or place is 100% safe. And sometimes…people and places change.

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It’s Time…to Write…

October 15, 2010

I need to write. It is time…perhaps even past time. I am fighting tears right now and, I must confess, not doing a very good job of it.

Maybe it is the time of year. Maybe it has to do with my parents (I know there is anger under the surface with that one). Maybe it is what feels like a tenuousness in my living situation (even though I am seeing Yahweh do amazing things). Maybe it is being in contact with a cousin (mother’s side) for the first time in many, many years (we never lived close so I have only met her a few times). Maybe it is my expectation of what may be to come…system wise…when we do finally move into the house (which will be unfinished inside). Maybe it is my age and/or the way this living situation has taken its toll on my health. Maybe it is something I don’t even know about…something that is buried deep inside and whirling around.

I see things I want to do…but cannot. My situation and time, along with my state of emotional/mental health holds me back. I want to contribute in ways that I am simply unable to. I want to keep up with my online friends…and cannot. And all of these things are OK…I know (in my head) that they are. But I struggle in my heart. My online friends…in all of their various places…mean a lot to me. They are a form of support that is precious to me. Yet…as beautiful and precious as they are…they are not enough. They, too, are human and facing challenges of their own. They are not able to always be available…which leads me to the next thing I need to write about.

There is something that has been happening in my spirit over a long time. But lately, well, the only way I know to describe it is that it is almost like a surge. It is as if my heart connection with Yahweh has surged forward. I have been facing some challenges…which I have really tried my best to deal with. Those challenges…like challenges often do…have pushed me toward Him even more. I need His wisdom and His guidance, but mostly…I need to rest in His love.

It seems that my faith gets stretched and my spiritual maturity grows through that. And then it seems like I hit the wall. I am utterly helpless and I find it necessary to fall back upon the childlike aspect of my faith. Yeshua said that we should trust like children do. And so that is what I do…I just fall into His love and trust Him for the things I simply cannot do…or even see.

So I rest in Him, trusting Him and drawing even closer to Him. The strength, maturity and depth from the stretching I went through settles in while He is preparing me for the next stretching session. I stretch. I grow. I rest. Stretch. Grow. Rest. A cycle that is as old as time and yet very much in the present and will continue to be right there in the midst of my future. One long strand tying past to present to future.

There are things in that “maybe” paragraph that I think I need to write about…but I think I will separate them out into different posts.

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