Posts Tagged ‘stuffing feelings’

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No Word…Yet…

June 30, 2010

No word yet from the parents. I have no idea if they read their email every day or not. I suspect that at least one of them does…but, hey…it has been a number of years since I last saw them or had any steady contact with them. I am not really expecting a quick response…if I even get one at all.

I am still toying with the idea of adding a poetry blog. Why a separate blog? Well…some people are into art…but not necessarily my thoughts. Some are into poetry…but not necessarily my art. I am thinking it might be good to keep it all separate. Also…some are triggered by images…but not so much words…which makes not mixing the art and the poetry a good idea…I think.

I don’t mind putting things in my regular blog here, too. I am just thinking it might be nice to be able to have things all in one place. I do have a place for poetry…but it is not a place I can point to from here because it might reveal my identity. That is NOT something I am ready to do. Anonymity gives me certain freedoms of expression. I do not want to lose that.

I am not sure how I “feel” today. I sense the possibility of tears just beneath the surface. That is one difficult thing about living with others. I tend to hide what I am feeling…sometimes even from myself. In my attempts to not let things spill out onto others…I push them away and bury them. I make myself blind to myself. And that just does not really seem like a good place to be…ya know?

In this setting it is even tougher…although, with the guys outside for a bit I do get a little bit of freedom. Thing is…I never know when they will be back. I really miss having my own art/PC/office/whatever room. Even in the new place…I won’t really have that. I am still going to have to take it all out after their bedtimes and pack it all up when I hit the sack. But, hey! I will have more space and more opportunities! I need to keep looking for that silver lining…for that bright side…for that blessing in the midst of seeming darkness. It is part of how I survive.

Well…my PC is not recognizing our new printer (gift from someone…woohoo!) So…I need to reboot. These are my thoughts right now. In 20 minutes…I will probably be thinking something completely different.

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Stuffing Things and Flashbacks

September 6, 2008

I have been stuffing things inside for too long, too. Being very busy not only encourages that, but it also makes it harder to do. I know…that sounds contradictory. It takes a lot of energy to stuff. Busyness also takes a lot of energy.

So, busyness encourages stuffing because there is no time to deal with things. Yet, it also drains me to the point that it makes stuffing much more difficult. So, as soon as things let up…like at night…boy do I feel all the stuff that I have been trying to stuff surging up to the surface.

I have been “seeing” more in the sense of visual flashbacks. I have been starting to get hit with emotional pain a bit more…although not nearly to the degree I would expect. At night I find myself tending to feel more and more little. I have no real outlet for the little side of me. So, that side of me pushes it way out when it can.

Stuffing may keep me going for awhile…but I am not “going” very well. It is harder to think straight if I am stuffing. It is more difficult to function…even though I am not coming to a screeching halt. I find that I am fighting to keep from shutting down. There are times when I just want to sit and do nothing. I want to be alone…with my thoughts…and my feelings…and yes, with my flashbacks. I want to be able to process them and work through them and let them out. Alas, there is no time…but more importantly…there is no place.

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