Posts Tagged ‘suicide’

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Sui…well, you get the idea…

January 16, 2011

Within a few days, I read four things about suicide. One was a post at DIDiva where she gives a link to an article in the Huffington Post about a young man who killed himself. Reading that really made me very sad for him and for all the others who feel so alone…who feel such overwhelming darkness…and who feel that taking their life is the only real option. I am glad that he wrote a letter explaining what he did. Maybe it will help others.

I think it was the same day that I also read an online friend’s description of the aftermath of a suicide attempt. She especially wrote about the effects on the body. She also included a link to another person I know online whose blog I had never read…although we had crossed paths. That person mentioned an attempt in her year review…which led me to explore her blog a while.

I kept reading and wanting to respond, yet could not bring what I was feeling into words. Or at least not into words that I felt would do any good or have any kind of usefulness. I finally decided to write a post here instead, but had neither the time or wherewithal to put my feelings into thoughts and my thoughts into words on the screen. I just kept mulling it over…and experiencing emotions.

I can think of reasons that posts like that draw me. One is that it is possible that my sister committed suicide. I don’t know that it was intentional, but she did die as the result of her own actions. Some of those actions took the long, slow route…like bulimia and alcoholism. Boy was she a fighter…when the cult was not slapping her down.

I have received different stories about what happened and have even spoken with the coroner and read her report. I know my sister. There are things in the report that are fishy. But, hey, that is not exactly surprising considering how strong the cult is in that area. For example, my sis was a hard-core bulimic. For that alone, she was really living on borrowed time. Add to that alcohol. Know that those two things do to the body? It isn’t pretty. Yet, her stomach and liver were “unremarkable”! Excuse me! Unremarkable???? That is so wrong! Nothing about her teeth or knuckles, either. Personally, I think the family she lived with wanted to get rid of her and what they describe to me backs up my thought.

So that is one reason writings like that catch my eye. Another is that I have friends who struggle with this issue…a lot. And I care very much about them. I don’t want to lose them and I can only pray that they really know how much they mean to me…without them feeling pressured by that. I hope that makes sense.

I especially appreciated the post describing the aftermath because I have thought of suicide most of my life. I am pretty much beyond it now, but there was a time when it was on my mind…a LOT. It was not so much that I wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to stop…which is what I suspect happened to my sister. I think she was trying to number herself and over did it…or her battered body just finally gave out.

So…why am I alive? There are a number of reasons. I have always been determined not to leave that legacy to my loved ones…especially my children. I know that survivors of a loved one’s suicide are a lot more likely to commit suicide themselves. I did not want to put them at risk. Therefore, I searched for ways to do it that would not be obvious…that no one would think my death was intentional. I couldn’t find one.

There was also the fact that I believe I am here for a reason. The end of my life is G-d’s domain…not mine. Hard as it has been at times…I want to honor that. Fear of hell used to keep me alive, but I no longer believe that people go to hell for taking their lives. For other things, yes…but not for that. Not wanting to have to stand before my heavenly Abba explaining why I did it was compelling enough, though.

There is one thing I have found, however. There are times when the darkness and pain can become so severe that all of those reasons start to become meaningless. No matter how strong they are in normal life, when the darkness gets that strong, they fade into the background. Holding onto life becomes a challenge. Even now, I have my days when I want to go Home. I don’t act on it, but I can sure want it.

As far back as High School I would pray for G-d to take me Home as I slept. I don’t remember if I prayed that in Junior High. Junior High is when my childhood memories start to come into focus…although I am missing things from that, too. My mother told me about a major change during that time that I still only have a single incident flashback about. So I know I am still missing stuff.

Anyway, this is what I have been thinking on for the last few days. To all my friends (and anyone else out there) who are struggling with this issue…please, hold on. I do understand. Feel free to share with me how you feel. I know that can help. Either email me or find someone to talk to. Please know that someone cares. I know…when the darkness is that deep it may not really matter. But I feel a need to write it anyway.

Edit in on 1/17: When I wrote this the other day, there was something I wanted to include, but forgot. There is another reason I hesitated to do anything…I was terrified of surviving. There are a lot of aspects of surviving that I dreaded…such as shame, facing the anger and hurt of others and having others not trust me because they were always worried that I might try it again.

The biggest fear, though, was the possibility of surviving in a body that was broken beyond repair. I was terrified that I could end up paralyzed or with some kind of irreparable brain damage that would leave me dependent upon others (and, in my mind, a burden to them) for the rest of my life. I would feel like a double failure…unable to take my life and now a mess for others to deal with. That was my reality. That was my thinking in those times.

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This Is SO Important!

March 14, 2010

I read something that is SO important that I just had to share it with you. It has to do with how the media reports suicides and suicide attempts. It always concerns me that reported suicides can encourage some who are in a vulnerable place to try it themselves. This woman found information that can educate the media on how to report it without causing more damage.

You can find it here: The Importance of Proper Media Coverage of Suicide

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When Lies Just Won’t Go Away

May 23, 2009

A friend of mine told me about a site where people were talking about a particular therapist. Some were saying she was great. Some were saying she was horrible and some were kind of in between. Now, all of that is fine. This was a place to be able to share your experiences with your therapist. In this particular instance, it was with this particular therapist.

I know this therapist. Many of the things pointed out by those who were either very negative or even moderately negative…I witnessed myself. Sadly…I experienced some of it myself…and more. I am SO glad that she was NOT my actual therapist, although I did call her state licensing board over the unprofessional and unethical behaviors she exhibited on her forum and off.

One thing that really struck me as I read what was written is how quickly those who like her attacked those who did not. That was unnecessary. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts about this therapist. There was no need for attacking. If your experienced was great and she helped you…fine…share that. If your experience was negative and she hurt you…fine…share that.

I have not joined in the “discussion”, however, some there did refer to me and my experiences with her. It is actually pretty entangled since what I was put through also involved one of her clients. Some who wrote were empathetic and felt for me. It was part of why they wrote negatively about her. Those who favor her did not like that…so they wrote all these lies about me.

Now, in all fairness, I do not think they know they are lies.  They are just regurgitating the same old stuff that they were fed back when I was there. I mean…after all…who wants to believe their therapist, who may have really helped them…could do such underhanded and, yes, even evil things…or at least been party to it via her client? I know it would be very difficult for me to accept…even devastating.

So, I cannot really fault the people who believe she is so great and that I am so evil. They have been lied to and deceived. However, attacking someone who tries to tell the other side of the story is just plain childish, immature and downright mean. Each one should have the freedom to state THEIR OWN EXPERIENCE with her. Several tried to do that. What happened with me effected others, too. When they tried to point out the truth at that time, they got attacked.

I like what one person wrote…that he was looking for a therapist for when he moved into the area. He wrote that, while the negative reviews gave him the creeps, it was the behaviors of her clients that really turned him off. He wrote that he felt their immaturity and acting like little children showed they had little respect for their therapist. It was her clients behavior that may have cost her a client.

It was difficult to read all these things written about me…the same old lies. Whatever happened to discussing the therapist? Several people wrote what they saw and what they experienced, but it was brushed aside as the focus seemed to really turn onto me. Not surprising seeing as how I was used to make her look really good. Oh, yeah…she “rescued” everyone from me. She, with all her experience, “saw through” me.

There are things, of course, that don’t make any sense…things those who favor this therapist are not asking themselves. If they did, they might begin to see how they were taken in. For example…if this therapist caught on so quickly to what I was about…why did she let me stay at her forum? Instead of letting me stay and pointing out things (behind the scenes) about me to them, why didn’t she just ban me? Why put her clients at risk by allowing me to stay there and connect with them? That makes no sense.

I actually tried several times to leave peaceably, but that was just not allowed. My husband finally put his foot down and told me to leave…period. My PTSD was raging and the whole thing was just getting more and more bizarre. I was being targeted and outright attacked on this therapist’s forum…and I kept wondering…where on earth is the therapist??? She was pretty much absent for periods of time. When she did finally come back…she did nothing to stop what was going on and I did not understand it. Emailing her about it did nothing but work against me. I finally left on my own with her owing me three months of forum dues that she never paid to me. Nor did she offer them to the two people I told her she could offer them to in place of returning them to me. I know this for fact.

This woman  acted unethically toward me in several ways, lied about me, stole at least three months of dues from me and was involved (along with one of her clients) with setting me up to be a fall guy. She (and her client)  had her forum moderators convinced that I was evil and out to control and purposely hurt others. Not a very nice therapist, huh? I did not think so, either.

The worst part in all of this is that someone (her client?) was impersonating me through Instant Messaging and trying to trigger suicide programming in some dear friends of mine. Another friend of mine stumbled upon this tactic, but it was before we knew what was going on with everyone else. This person had contacted her and she and I talked about. We even argued because I knew I had NOT written to her. We both just passed it off as some kind of wierd disagreement so we did not get the IM id being used.

This person would go for the littles who could be easily fooled into thinking it was me by using an IM id that was very close to mine (matching my email…but not matching the IM id I was really using). She told them horrible, evil things…coldhearted, mean things. It makes me angry to think of what she did to them.  She also, apparently, wrote emails in my name and even made phone calls. The amazing thing is that I did not even know the full names of some of these people…or where they lived. I did not have their phone numbers.

So dear friends of mine were seriously hurt…some of them ending up in the hospital…or worse…and they were convinced that I had done it to them…even though they knew it did not line up at all with what they knew of me. I had known some of these women for a couple of years and had even met one of them in person. With only a couple of exceptions…each one no longer believes it was me…for which I am grateful.

Another thing not being looked at is that the cults all use different programming. Yes, there are some similarities, but there are also many differences. It makes no sense that one person could use “code words”, etc. designed to trigger in so many different ones. I never got to see the IM’s, but someone who did told me that the wording was identical in each one. That made no sense. You would need different wording in each one. In fact, that was one of the things that clued her in to the fact that it was probably a setup.

Another factor is that I was supposed to be physically accessing someone when I have witnesses for where I was. I cannot be in two places at one time, especially when those two places are several states apart. But you know what I find really scary? The client of this therapist who I supposedly physically accessed was shown photos by the therapist of several women. The client was asked to pick out who amongst the photos accessed her. She picked one out and was told it was me.

Now, clearly it was NOT me since I was several states away. I wonder, though, since it WAS a picture of whomever DID do the accessing…HOW did this therapist have a picture of her? I don’t know about anyone else…but THAT is pretty scary to me. She has a photo of whomever really did the accessing and she lies and says it is me…even though I have witnesses as to my whereabouts. In fact, there are security guards amongst those witnesses.

Will I write anything at this place? I am tempted to…but in reality it would not do any good anyway. I think it would only stir things up. Some of those hurt already know the truth. The others are probably not ready for it. Yahweh knows the truth. I know the truth. My family and my former therapist know the truth. Isn’t that all that is really important anyway?

I really feel for all who have been used and deceived by this therapist. I feel even more for all who have been, and are being, hurt by her still.

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