Posts Tagged ‘survivors healing from loss and death’

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Thinking of my sis

March 12, 2021

Lately, I have been more aware of my sis’s death and life. I wish I knew more of her life, but then I don’t. I know her life was as much as hell as mine was. No one makes it unscathed in a generational ritual abuse family. No one. My parents didn’t and we didn’t.

I have been writing about grief lately, triggered by thoughts of my sis. I thought of her on her birthday even more this year than usual. I thought of her leading up to her birthday. She has just been more and more on my mind

She died/was killed on my birthday. Yeah, no warning there. I was away getting memories back and doing healing work. I never got a chance to confirm with her what I remembered for she was taken away. As for the group…well, let’s just say I am not the only one who does not think the timing of her death was a coincidence. It was a warning to me.

Realistically, I doubt she could have told me much. She was, most likely, as amnesic as I was (and to some degree, still am). Plus, she would have been afraid–afraid I would “tell” on her. I would not have understood that back then as much as I do now.

My memories of her are scarce, even though we lived in the same house for at least 10 years. I remember when she was born and not much else while we shared houses. I look back and simply do not see her present. Yet, I do know she was. Of that I have no doubt.

Part of grief is realizing what we have lost in the what-could-have-been category. We were sisters and even though we were almost eight years apart, we should have been able to be closer. I should have been able to be the big sister she needed. But I couldn’t be. I should have been able to have a relationship with her untainted by the “job” I had to do with her. (No wonder it has been so challenging to grieve.)

I was given an offer for some free products from a healing music site. I have interfaced with the founder for several years via email. He knows my “history”, somewhat. No one knows it all for it is too horrific to share. People don’t understand these kinds of horrors. Anyway, as I went to the site, I knew what I was looking for… music on grieving for her.

It’s time. I have been sensing it was time. Do I like the “timing” of this in my life? No. But then, is there ever a good time to grieve? Of course, I have to answer that with a yes. I guess it is more a matter of it being a convenient time rather than a good time. Grief is good and the time for grieving is good. It’s just not always convenient.

So, I am awaiting the delivery of the music and I will be taking some time to grieve, interwoven with needing to also live life. I will have to do the two side by side. I wish there was a grieving group for this kind of thing, but there isn’t. I mean, I am sure there is a group for grieving a death, but it is not very accessible to me. Perhaps online?

I am going to kick this off. I don’t have the energy to do a thorough proofread, so show me some grace if you see any typos or needed edits. I am grieving. The process began months ago, but it is now “official”, I guess.

I am grieving. I didn’t know about kaddish when she died. Is it too late now? I believe in my heart it is never too late. Creator G-D is eternal and outside of time.

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Parents and grieving & acceptance and peace…

December 28, 2011

I just reread my post with my last email to my father. You can find it here.

I feel no real emotions over this. It is as if I have been able to simply accept the fact that we do not, and will not (apparently), ever have a healthy relationship. It is done and I am at peace with that. They have made their choice. Yeah, sometimes I think about it and wonder, but not for long. There is no point dwelling on something over which I have no control.

So, yeah, I do finally have peace that I have done what I can…and it is enough. I still pray for them when I do think about them. I do not wish them ill. I really do hope they can find healing and peace before they die. I live my life as if I have no parents other than G-d. And that is OK. And it feels good to be able to say that, right now, I truly do not care. I feel indifferent.

Every once in a while I think about the possibility of hearing that one is dead, but that does not last long, either. I really cannot say how I would feel to get that news so there is no point in speculating on it. It is not something for which I think I can really prepare myself. I think I would probably cry…but not because I would miss them. No, it would be that I would be sad over all that they threw away…over all the things that could have been.

I have found that grieving needs to not only be for what was, but also for what was not. What was not is a legitimate loss…just as important as actually losing good things that were. I have lost my parents. The fact that I lost them probably before I was even born makes no difference. It is still a loss.

Their bodies may still be walking around, but whatever it is that makes them my parents died a long, long time ago. May my parents rest in peace. Still, I pray that they do wake up and truly live before they die.

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