Posts Tagged ‘The Cost of Reality’

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The Cost of Reality

March 13, 2010

The Cost of Reality

I reach out my hand.
Can you even begin to see
or understand
how very hard it is for me
to be in your world?

Can you sense the shaking
and trembling inside
as I wonder when and how
I am going to stumble?
When I will say or do
something that
makes me look stupid?
When my amnesia and
abuse effected mind will
trip me up?

Do you realize how hard it is
for me to try and look
“normal”?
To try and look as if I am
comfortable and OK
in your world?

Are you aware that I am not even
really IN your world?
That I struggle in a world
all my own?

Do you know how hard it is
to trust
that you are really
what I see?
That there is not something
else going on?

Do you have any idea
how much energy it takes
to be bravely hopeful
and always vigilant?
To wonder if
your friendship
is the “real deal”
or just another setup?
To be ever watchful
for the cue
that lets me know
that you might be
betraying me?
Or that your actions and words
are only out of
some sense
of duty?

Do you know how much
I HATE
feeling the way I do?
How much I HATE
knowing that I will always be
suspicious…even if only
subconsciously?

Do you understand the
cost
to me when I persist in trying to
trust you?
When I persist in trying to
let you in?
Do you know how much my
not walking away says
about how much I
value
your friendship?
I hope you do.

copyrighted April 12, 2009

I am grateful that I am not consciously aware of this as much anymore. Still, it does come up. It is difficult for me to make real friends in person. Although I am thankful for the ones I do have, my reality is that I still hide much of myself… even from them.

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