Posts Tagged ‘time of year’

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Another Poem…

October 30, 2012

You can go here to see the poem I wrote today.

An October Poem

Every year it “bothers” me less. No…I don’t think that is the right way to put it. It is just that I am less aware of it…or I am aware of it later in the year. I don’t think about it as soon. But once I am aware of it, it does bother me.

I think, too, that it bothers me inside. I “feel” it on the outside as a kind of fog and struggle to concentrate, but I oftentimes don’t connect what I am struggling with to the time of year until later. I “think” it is not bothering me as much when, in reality, I think it is.

I work hard to push things aside so that I can do life…and that is fine. There is a time and place for that. But there is also a time and place for recognizing what is and working with (and through) that.

So, here you have it. Writing the poem was good. It was therapeutic. It was needed. I have GOT to work on the office for a hide away.

My life is still a bit too full. I am still working on it…figuring out my priorities. Things will come together, but I need to give myself some breathing room…especially during this time of year. It is OK to fall apart. It is OK to not be able to do all I would “normally” do…or that I want to do. It is time to be extra good to myself.

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Maybe…It Is the Time of Year… (TRIGGER WARNING)

October 15, 2010

How I do during this time of year varies. But one thing seems to remain the same. At some point, I will get hit with the reality of what is happening out there. There aren’t really too many places where I can openly talk about this subject. My main FB profile is one where I cannot. I mean…I can mention it in passing…but to really share the horror of it? No way!

Part of that is because there are actually rather young people in my friends list and because there are people I don’t know well enough to be that open. Another part of it is how do you explain to people the things I have seen? The things I have experienced? I don’t even write that much about it here. How do you explain child sacrifices? How do you explain cannibalism? How do you explain ceremonial daggers with blood dripping from them? How do you explain seeing your father plunge a dagger into the heart of an infant after smiling at you? How do you explain having to choose who lives and who dies? How do you explain a bigger hand over your hand holding a dagger? How do you explain looking down at your own hands and finding they look so much like your mother’s? How do you explain emotional flashbacks that cause you to fight to keep from doubling over…to keep looking “normal” and “OK” to those around you? How do you explain being out and about and suddenly needing to be home…or some other safe place? HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN??????

I find that I don’t. I just keep on hiding it…inside. Maybe THAT is why I am feeling so emotional right now. Well…I KNOW there is more to it than that…but that IS at least part of it. I shove aside the things I know. In so doing, I think I am also shoving aside the things I don’t yet remember. There is a time…if we are on this earth long enough…when those things will have to come to the surface. A time when the hidden things buried deep within will have to be made known.

So…maybe it is the time of year…when all that is buried is touched upon by the knowledge I have of what is going on.

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What Can I Say?

November 4, 2008

Well, I made it through October. This year was better for me, but not because of the inside. In some ways it was just as hard…maybe even harder. However, I was so aware of a covering being prayed over me. What made this year better was coming from the outside…not so much the inside.

Yes, I felt it on the inside, but I also felt a lot of turmoil at times. It was just different this year…kind of difficult to explain. I am thankful, though. Very thankful.

I have been told that I have a 7 year old, or is he 8 now, praying for me. He is truly a knight in the One True God’s kingdom. He has a history of spiritual interactions. I am honored to have his prayers. I am honored to have many people praying for me. I sure don’t feel that I deserve it, yet I know that those prayers are being answered. Some of it is in ways I can “see” and I am sure that there are also answers that I do not see.

It is late and I really need to get to bed. Just thought I would put a few words out here tonight first.

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Thoughts on the Time of Year

October 25, 2008

What a time! I love the Autumn. It is my favorite season…on the outside. On the inside, I hate this time of year. I know what happens at the end of October and I hate it!

Most of the time I can push it to the back of my mind and heart. Yet…it always comes up. Somewhere, somehow, the thought of the children comes to mind…and I find myself fighting tears and lifting up a prayer for them.

What do I pray for? Well, I would like to think He would stop the whole hideous thing, but I know that is not realistic. It is not because God is not big enough, or strong enough, to stop it. It is because He is bound by His own rules. He gave us humans the ability to choose between good and evil, between doing what is right and doing what is wrong. Gentleman that He is, He won’t go back on His word. We were given choice and until He comes back and removes evil once and for all, we will have people committing evil acts.

So, no, I don’t really pray for Him to stop it…at least not very strongly. I do pray for Him to intervene. I pray for Him to protect the hearts and souls of those who will have to endure this time. I pray for Him to protect them from the pain and to take them quickly home. I pray for supernatural comfort to the victims.

I also pray for Him to open the eyes of the good people who are too afraid to take a real and serious look at what is going on around them. For those who are willing to see, I pray that He will open their hearts and give them courage to take a stand. Yet, I hold out little hope for that happening.

If people won’t even take a stand to stop the culture of death we can see so openly, how can I expect them to work to stop the hidden deaths? When people, including babies, are “legally” sacrificed through abortion and through starvation in the “medical” system on the altar of convenience and money…right out in the open, how can there be concern for the children and people being sacrificed in hidden rituals? They are all being sacrificed…whether openly or in secret and the temporary prince and ruler of this earth is laughing at the stupid humans who are serving him through these (and other) practices.

My heart always breaks when I think of these things. However, this time of year I am more keenly aware of it all. It is a reminder to me that this is not my true home. My true home in with God in His kingdom. What is to come after all this ugliness is a beauty so incredible that those who have seen it and come back are unable to adequately describe it. That is what I long for.

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Feeling Positive

August 18, 2008

I am approaching a time of year when it is typically more difficult for me, due to being a cult survivor. Yet, I am also growing. Yes, I sense the struggle beginning to take place within. However, this time of year is only one part of my life. It is NOT my whole life! I refuse to let it be my whole life!

I am choosing to make sure that my focus is not so totally on what is starting to happen that I neglect to feel good and positive about other areas of my life. I am moving forward in some areas. That is exciting.

So, regardless of what this time of year brings…I am looking up! I am moving forward. I am not going to let my upcoming struggles keep me in the dark. Even when I find myself reeling under the enormity of things, I will also keep my eyes on the positive steps I am taking in my life!

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